Why Men Cheat - How Can I Break This Cycle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Novelty and youth really do have an impact on sex drive. I think it's a mistake for people to pretend otherwise.

Bingo.

It's like a new vs used car. You have to put a lot of maintenance into it just to keep it running ok.

There is no replacement for novelty. That's why men are surprised that more effort still leads to less sex. Duh. You aren't new to her anymore. Not your fault. Ok, not always your fault but sometimes it is.

Not for everyone. Some people chase novelty but after a while it turns out it’s just as boring.

Some prefer intimacy and being in love. You can still feel that way after over a decade if you have a real connection.

Don’t confuse novelty itself for the projection that happens when you don’t know someone well. If you really know someone and feel known by them it can keep getting better.

Not saying you are right or wrong but how do you explain that the vast majority of couples either stop having sex or have it rarely after 20 years of marriage. Did 80% plus of people just marry the wrong person?

I don’t know where you got 80% but yes, basically, many people are not perfectly compatible in every aspect needed for a long and strong marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The common thread I have seen on DCUM is a husband wants to have more sex than his wife and so he wants his wife to change to accommodate that. How often are women told we can’t change men?

I think most men would be fine with the women wanting as much as she wanted 10 years ago. They don't need her to want it more than before, just the same as before.

I think that’s fine and wholly reasonable if the woman’s life looks like it did ten years ago.

Had a baby, never got decent pelvic floor care, sex is painful? It didn’t hurt ten years ago.

Had another baby, DH isn’t pulling his weight? She felt like she had an actual partner ten heads ago.

Never had the opportunity to regain her pre-children body? She felt like a more sexual being ten years ago.

Many husbands were more attractive to their wives ten years ago. They were attentive and fun. They cared about maintaining their wives attraction to them. Create the conditions for sexuality to succeed even if it means sacrifice, IMO it’s worth it.

Life happens, people change and our spouse simply must accept this is just how it goes. Some lose interest in sex, others lose interest in monogamy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The common thread I have seen on DCUM is a husband wants to have more sex than his wife and so he wants his wife to change to accommodate that. How often are women told we can’t change men?

I think most men would be fine with the women wanting as much as she wanted 10 years ago. They don't need her to want it more than before, just the same as before.

I think that’s fine and wholly reasonable if the woman’s life looks like it did ten years ago.

Had a baby, never got decent pelvic floor care, sex is painful? It didn’t hurt ten years ago.

Had another baby, DH isn’t pulling his weight? She felt like she had an actual partner ten heads ago.

Never had the opportunity to regain her pre-children body? She felt like a more sexual being ten years ago.

Many husbands were more attractive to their wives ten years ago. They were attentive and fun. They cared about maintaining their wives attraction to them. Create the conditions for sexuality to succeed even if it means sacrifice, IMO it’s worth it.

Life happens, people change and our spouse simply must accept this is just how it goes. Some lose interest in sex, others lose interest in monogamy.

And successful marriages change to accommodate the changes life throws at us. Only failed marriages “lose interest” in monogamy, though some successful couples choose other paths— together.

[Anonymous]

OP, yes you are an a-hole and maybe counseling can help with that? No reason why you shouldn’t tell your wife you cheated so that she can decide what she wants to do. That piece in Marie Claire us just garbage. Don’t think about it and just move on, but first tell your wife. Also as mentioned earlier, think about counseling and why you’re an a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are not wired to get aroused by the same man for more than a decade. You and she have to find ways to feel more sexual overall. I don’t judge your affairs, OP. I know it’s hard to feel dead inside and then a fling makes you feel alive again. It’s hard. But I think you and your wife have a lot of really hard work to do. It’ll be worth it because you’ll both grow old soon.

BS. I know a lot of women who are still very attracted to their husbands after a decade. I am. I think many men don’t know how to open up emotionally and give their wives the emotional intimacy that leads to lasting attraction. Many men are self-centered and oblivious to what women do, and after however many years of giving and giving women shut down. But that is not how women are wired. All this stuff about sex drive going down is just not true. If anything for many women it goes up due to more confidence and self knowledge.

This would make sense... EXCEPT for the fact that she was "wired" to sleep with him 24-7 in the beginning of the relationship when he brought less to the table.

+1. Novelty and youth aren't the full explanation for sexual desire, but they are elements. I just don't understand where the people denying this are coming from.

[Anonymous]

Is she or he Type 1 or Type 2?

TYPE 1: Some men and women have little natural interest in sex. The only way to avoid a sexless marriage is to spot the signs while dating, which most of us can't.

TYPE 2: Some people are turned off by their partners' self-centered behavior or other marital issues. A great therapist can improve communication if both partners are willing to share and make the necessary changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are not wired to get aroused by the same man for more than a decade. You and she have to find ways to feel more sexual overall. I don’t judge your affairs, OP. I know it’s hard to feel dead inside and then a fling makes you feel alive again. It’s hard. But I think you and your wife have a lot of really hard work to do. It’ll be worth it because you’ll both grow old soon.

BS. I know a lot of women who are still very attracted to their husbands after a decade. I am. I think many men don’t know how to open up emotionally and give their wives the emotional intimacy that leads to lasting attraction. Many men are self-centered and oblivious to what women do, and after however many years of giving and giving women shut down. But that is not how women are wired. All this stuff about sex drive going down is just not true. If anything for many women it goes up due to more confidence and self knowledge.

This would make sense... EXCEPT for the fact that she was "wired" to sleep with him 24-7 in the beginning of the relationship when he brought less to the table.

You’re mixing a lot of things up. The beginning of the relationship — you mean when neither of you had kids or responsibilities? Of course life is going to be different ten or twenty years in.

For most women sexual desire is responsive and contextual. A man who knows what turns a woman on can get her there easily, it’s not about age or novelty. I guess I must be lucky because my husband knows. He has put in the work to really learn, so actually I feel even more desire for him now than at the beginning of our relationship. Maybe the guys on here saying it’s just factors beyond my control are lazy and clueless about what women want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Novelty and youth really do have an impact on sex drive. I think it's a mistake for people to pretend otherwise.

Bingo.

It's like a new vs used car. You have to put a lot of maintenance into it just to keep it running ok.

There is no replacement for novelty. That's why men are surprised that more effort still leads to less sex. Duh. You aren't new to her anymore. Not your fault. Ok, not always your fault but sometimes it is.

Not for everyone. Some people chase novelty but after a while it turns out it’s just as boring.

Some prefer intimacy and being in love. You can still feel that way after over a decade if you have a real connection.

Don’t confuse novelty itself for the projection that happens when you don’t know someone well. If you really know someone and feel known by them it can keep getting better.

Exactly! This is what happens when you stick with a marriage even through bad spots. The marriage becomes stronger and deeper.

A lot of people don't seem to be wired to be able to do this. I didn't understand this growing up but now I understand it's their internal wiring.

Or maybe they just don’t have support in their lives for sticking with a marriage through the bad spots. Or maybe everything has always been easy for them in their relationships and they think that’s the way it’s supposed to be, so if things are difficult, it must be they don’t belong together. Or maybe they’re just lazy.

Of course, some marriages really should end up with divorce. No one should put up with abuse or cheating or addictions. But many, many marriages end because people just weren’t willing to slog through those difficult times and get to the good stuff on the other side. And it’s sad when people realize years later that they could have had a good marriage if only they’d been willing to work through those bad times with their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are not wired to get aroused by the same man for more than a decade. You and she have to find ways to feel more sexual overall. I don’t judge your affairs, OP. I know it’s hard to feel dead inside and then a fling makes you feel alive again. It’s hard. But I think you and your wife have a lot of really hard work to do. It’ll be worth it because you’ll both grow old soon.

BS. I know a lot of women who are still very attracted to their husbands after a decade. I am. I think many men don’t know how to open up emotionally and give their wives the emotional intimacy that leads to lasting attraction. Many men are self-centered and oblivious to what women do, and after however many years of giving and giving women shut down. But that is not how women are wired. All this stuff about sex drive going down is just not true. If anything for many women it goes up due to more confidence and self knowledge.

This would make sense... EXCEPT for the fact that she was "wired" to sleep with him 24-7 in the beginning of the relationship when he brought less to the table.

You’re mixing a lot of things up. The beginning of the relationship — you mean when neither of you had kids or responsibilities? Of course life is going to be different ten or twenty years in.

For most women sexual desire is responsive and contextual. A man who knows what turns a woman on can get her there easily, it’s not about age or novelty. I guess I must be lucky because my husband knows. He has put in the work to really learn, so actually I feel even more desire for him now than at the beginning of our relationship. Maybe the guys on here saying it’s just factors beyond my control are lazy and clueless about what women want.

Man here, I partially agree but the bolded is the key. I am divorced, and it's really not hard to turn a woman on when you are new and shiny to her. The amount of effort I have to put in to have an amazing night of passion is low. With my ex-wife, I could put in 10x the work and maybe, if the stars were aligned, we would be intimate.

You really underestimate the power of novelty for most women.

And while I am not suggesting there aren't a million benefits to marriage that make it worth sticking it out, and sacrificing a passionate love life to get there, you aren't going to convince many men who are otherwise attractive and successful that married sex life is a fraction as easy or as good as being single was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever thought about whether you should make yourself more attractive, better in bed etc. so she didn't feel that way? Sometimes it's the wife but you should make sure it's not you. Also, cheating is unforgivable, good luck living with yourself

--wife who doesn't treat sex as a chore

How do you know if you aren't good in bed if your wife won't give you suggestions?

She probably doesn’t know what she likes. Despite popular belief, a lot of women fake enjoying sex. They fake it more when they don’t enjoy it because they know that it will be over faster if they feign enthusiasm. So, it’s entirely possible that neither you nor your wife have any idea what she likes.

So, find a book or a video on how to give good oral sex. Try some new things. Ask your wife if she likes it.

For all men complain about this, even otherwise hardworking men are shockingly lazy about learning how to pleasure their wives.

Seriously. How do you know… I mean, have you tried asking? Really asking, not just like one or two questions. And really listening and responding. Start just on something non sexual like cuddling and really ask what feels good to her, and keep learning. That level of intimacy and caring leads to genuine physical connection.

+1.
Have you tried finding an hour where she doesn’t have responsibilities to attend to then (by her definition, not yours), and then asking her what she likes? She might not be able to tell you because she doesn’t know or because sex is over just as she is getting turned on. Maybe lightly stroking her back turns her on, you never know unless you try it and ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are not wired to get aroused by the same man for more than a decade. You and she have to find ways to feel more sexual overall. I don’t judge your affairs, OP. I know it’s hard to feel dead inside and then a fling makes you feel alive again. It’s hard. But I think you and your wife have a lot of really hard work to do. It’ll be worth it because you’ll both grow old soon.

BS. I know a lot of women who are still very attracted to their husbands after a decade. I am. I think many men don’t know how to open up emotionally and give their wives the emotional intimacy that leads to lasting attraction. Many men are self-centered and oblivious to what women do, and after however many years of giving and giving women shut down. But that is not how women are wired. All this stuff about sex drive going down is just not true. If anything for many women it goes up due to more confidence and self knowledge.

This would make sense... EXCEPT for the fact that she was "wired" to sleep with him 24-7 in the beginning of the relationship when he brought less to the table.

You’re mixing a lot of things up. The beginning of the relationship — you mean when neither of you had kids or responsibilities? Of course life is going to be different ten or twenty years in.

For most women sexual desire is responsive and contextual. A man who knows what turns a woman on can get her there easily, it’s not about age or novelty. I guess I must be lucky because my husband knows. He has put in the work to really learn, so actually I feel even more desire for him now than at the beginning of our relationship. Maybe the guys on here saying it’s just factors beyond my control are lazy and clueless about what women want.

Man here, I partially agree but the bolded is the key. I am divorced, and it's really not hard to turn a woman on when you are new and shiny to her. The amount of effort I have to put in to have an amazing night of passion is low. With my ex-wife, I could put in 10x the work and maybe, if the stars were aligned, we would be intimate.

You really underestimate the power of novelty for most women.

And while I am not suggesting there aren't a million benefits to marriage that make it worth sticking it out, and sacrificing a passionate love life to get there, you aren't going to convince many men who are otherwise attractive and successful that married sex life is a fraction as easy or as good as being single was.

I don’t know. I think that a lot of women fake it because they are hoping that if they are exciting in bed, you will marry them. It’s entirely possible that they aren’t any more turned on than your ex-wife was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Novelty and youth really do have an impact on sex drive. I think it's a mistake for people to pretend otherwise.

Bingo.

It's like a new vs used car. You have to put a lot of maintenance into it just to keep it running ok.

There is no replacement for novelty. That's why men are surprised that more effort still leads to less sex. Duh. You aren't new to her anymore. Not your fault. Ok, not always your fault but sometimes it is.

Not for everyone. Some people chase novelty but after a while it turns out it’s just as boring.

Some prefer intimacy and being in love. You can still feel that way after over a decade if you have a real connection.

Don’t confuse novelty itself for the projection that happens when you don’t know someone well. If you really know someone and feel known by them it can keep getting better.

Not saying you are right or wrong but how do you explain that the vast majority of couples either stop having sex or have it rarely after 20 years of marriage. Did 80% plus of people just marry the wrong person?

I don’t know where you got 80% but yes, basically, many people are not perfectly compatible in every aspect needed for a long and strong marriage.

Where is this statistic? There is no way this is the norm for people across the US with all the sex on dating apps. And just the people I know in relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are not wired to get aroused by the same man for more than a decade. You and she have to find ways to feel more sexual overall. I don’t judge your affairs, OP. I know it’s hard to feel dead inside and then a fling makes you feel alive again. It’s hard. But I think you and your wife have a lot of really hard work to do. It’ll be worth it because you’ll both grow old soon.

BS. I know a lot of women who are still very attracted to their husbands after a decade. I am. I think many men don’t know how to open up emotionally and give their wives the emotional intimacy that leads to lasting attraction. Many men are self-centered and oblivious to what women do, and after however many years of giving and giving women shut down. But that is not how women are wired. All this stuff about sex drive going down is just not true. If anything for many women it goes up due to more confidence and self knowledge.

This would make sense... EXCEPT for the fact that she was "wired" to sleep with him 24-7 in the beginning of the relationship when he brought less to the table.

You’re mixing a lot of things up. The beginning of the relationship — you mean when neither of you had kids or responsibilities? Of course life is going to be different ten or twenty years in.

For most women sexual desire is responsive and contextual. A man who knows what turns a woman on can get her there easily, it’s not about age or novelty. I guess I must be lucky because my husband knows. He has put in the work to really learn, so actually I feel even more desire for him now than at the beginning of our relationship. Maybe the guys on here saying it’s just factors beyond my control are lazy and clueless about what women want.

Man here, I partially agree but the bolded is the key. I am divorced, and it's really not hard to turn a woman on when you are new and shiny to her. The amount of effort I have to put in to have an amazing night of passion is low. With my ex-wife, I could put in 10x the work and maybe, if the stars were aligned, we would be intimate.

You really underestimate the power of novelty for most women.

And while I am not suggesting there aren't a million benefits to marriage that make it worth sticking it out, and sacrificing a passionate love life to get there, you aren't going to convince many men who are otherwise attractive and successful that married sex life is a fraction as easy or as good as being single was.

Sure, it’s easier to project what you want on someone when you don’t know them well and don’t have to deal with the minutiae of the daily grind together. But when you really know a person and deal with them constantly but are still attracted to them, it’s even more powerful. Maybe it’s rare. For sure it takes a lot of respect, communication, love, and chemistry.

It’s not like I haven’t been single. I know what you’re talking about. But as much as I enjoyed that it doesn’t compare to a single night with my husband. For one it was mostly just physical, and those guys mainly thought they were a lot better in bed than they were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are not wired to get aroused by the same man for more than a decade. You and she have to find ways to feel more sexual overall. I don’t judge your affairs, OP. I know it’s hard to feel dead inside and then a fling makes you feel alive again. It’s hard. But I think you and your wife have a lot of really hard work to do. It’ll be worth it because you’ll both grow old soon.

BS. I know a lot of women who are still very attracted to their husbands after a decade. I am. I think many men don’t know how to open up emotionally and give their wives the emotional intimacy that leads to lasting attraction. Many men are self-centered and oblivious to what women do, and after however many years of giving and giving women shut down. But that is not how women are wired. All this stuff about sex drive going down is just not true. If anything for many women it goes up due to more confidence and self knowledge.

This would make sense... EXCEPT for the fact that she was "wired" to sleep with him 24-7 in the beginning of the relationship when he brought less to the table.

You’re mixing a lot of things up. The beginning of the relationship — you mean when neither of you had kids or responsibilities? Of course life is going to be different ten or twenty years in.

For most women sexual desire is responsive and contextual. A man who knows what turns a woman on can get her there easily, it’s not about age or novelty. I guess I must be lucky because my husband knows. He has put in the work to really learn, so actually I feel even more desire for him now than at the beginning of our relationship. Maybe the guys on here saying it’s just factors beyond my control are lazy and clueless about what women want.

Man here, I partially agree but the bolded is the key. I am divorced, and it's really not hard to turn a woman on when you are new and shiny to her. The amount of effort I have to put in to have an amazing night of passion is low. With my ex-wife, I could put in 10x the work and maybe, if the stars were aligned, we would be intimate.

You really underestimate the power of novelty for most women.

And while I am not suggesting there aren't a million benefits to marriage that make it worth sticking it out, and sacrificing a passionate love life to get there, you aren't going to convince many men who are otherwise attractive and successful that married sex life is a fraction as easy or as good as being single was.

If you don’t have novelty in your sex life with your spouse, you’re doing it wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are not wired to get aroused by the same man for more than a decade. You and she have to find ways to feel more sexual overall. I don’t judge your affairs, OP. I know it’s hard to feel dead inside and then a fling makes you feel alive again. It’s hard. But I think you and your wife have a lot of really hard work to do. It’ll be worth it because you’ll both grow old soon.

BS. I know a lot of women who are still very attracted to their husbands after a decade. I am. I think many men don’t know how to open up emotionally and give their wives the emotional intimacy that leads to lasting attraction. Many men are self-centered and oblivious to what women do, and after however many years of giving and giving women shut down. But that is not how women are wired. All this stuff about sex drive going down is just not true. If anything for many women it goes up due to more confidence and self knowledge.

This would make sense... EXCEPT for the fact that she was "wired" to sleep with him 24-7 in the beginning of the relationship when he brought less to the table.

You’re mixing a lot of things up. The beginning of the relationship — you mean when neither of you had kids or responsibilities? Of course life is going to be different ten or twenty years in.

For most women sexual desire is responsive and contextual. A man who knows what turns a woman on can get her there easily, it’s not about age or novelty. I guess I must be lucky because my husband knows. He has put in the work to really learn, so actually I feel even more desire for him now than at the beginning of our relationship. Maybe the guys on here saying it’s just factors beyond my control are lazy and clueless about what women want.

Man here, I partially agree but the bolded is the key. I am divorced, and it's really not hard to turn a woman on when you are new and shiny to her. The amount of effort I have to put in to have an amazing night of passion is low. With my ex-wife, I could put in 10x the work and maybe, if the stars were aligned, we would be intimate.

You really underestimate the power of novelty for most women.

And while I am not suggesting there aren't a million benefits to marriage that make it worth sticking it out, and sacrificing a passionate love life to get there, you aren't going to convince many men who are otherwise attractive and successful that married sex life is a fraction as easy or as good as being single was.

If you don’t have novelty in your sex life with your spouse, you’re doing it wrong.

This always cracks me up. By 50-years old- what’s novel anymore? You pretty much have tried every sex act and scenario. It’s why many men have midlife affairs for variety even if married to a hot sexual wife.