Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?

If that's what you got out of that story, then maybe you should do some self-reflection.

+100

[Anonymous]

With my mom there was definitely what is called "love bombing" and discard. When she adored the surrogate daughter she showered her with compliments and would give expensive gifts or checks for special occasions. Then something happens and discards like trash. For one it had nothing to do with her, it had to do with something her husband did. I actually knew the young woman ( a peer) and she was so hurt. It's like...that's how mom operates. Welcome to my world. I find my mom's charm to phony and fake, but some of these not even young ladies (I am middle age) fall for it and think she is just sooooooo amazing. I think she purposely preys upon people anxious and insecure who don't have a lot of close friendships. It's like grooming, but it's not like she abuses them, she just uses them to fill a need she has for admiration and attention.

[Anonymous]

Question - do you think there was something off about that generation of women to have produced such rotten mothers? Do you think there are an equal number of terrible mothers in the current generations? (X and Millennials)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

+1

This is my MIL, OP. It's not you, it's her. Don't pay much mind to it, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question - do you think there was something off about that generation of women to have produced such rotten mothers? Do you think there are an equal number of terrible mothers in the current generations? (X and Millennials)?

Is this OP? In MIL's case, she did not have a good support system, and having a bunch kids was her "purpose" in life - except she pretty much ignored them. Thank God we are more educated about child rearing, these days, is all I have to say.

Terrible mothers make even more terrible grandmothers, so don't expect much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With my mom there was definitely what is called "love bombing" and discard. When she adored the surrogate daughter she showered her with compliments and would give expensive gifts or checks for special occasions. Then something happens and discards like trash. For one it had nothing to do with her, it had to do with something her husband did. I actually knew the young woman ( a peer) and she was so hurt. It's like...that's how mom operates. Welcome to my world. I find my mom's charm to phony and fake, but some of these not even young ladies (I am middle age) fall for it and think she is just sooooooo amazing. I think she purposely preys upon people anxious and insecure who don't have a lot of close friendships. It's like grooming, but it's not like she abuses them, she just uses them to fill a need she has for admiration and attention.

+1

The person receiving this behavior also need acceptance, much like the person (mom/MIL) who do this. They want to feel that they belong. No, it should not be at the expense of any immediate family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question - do you think there was something off about that generation of women to have produced such rotten mothers? Do you think there are an equal number of terrible mothers in the current generations? (X and Millennials)?

Is this OP? In MIL's case, she did not have a good support system, and having a bunch kids was her "purpose" in life - except she pretty much ignored them. Thank God we are more educated about child rearing, these days, is all I have to say.

Terrible mothers make even more terrible grandmothers, so don't expect much.

It wasn't OP, but this is...I think in my mother's case it's a genetic personality disorder. Her mother was a different brand of crazy with some things in common. My sister has these tendencies, my brother does not. I think there are these women in every generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my mom there was definitely what is called "love bombing" and discard. When she adored the surrogate daughter she showered her with compliments and would give expensive gifts or checks for special occasions. Then something happens and discards like trash. For one it had nothing to do with her, it had to do with something her husband did. I actually knew the young woman ( a peer) and she was so hurt. It's like...that's how mom operates. Welcome to my world. I find my mom's charm to phony and fake, but some of these not even young ladies (I am middle age) fall for it and think she is just sooooooo amazing. I think she purposely preys upon people anxious and insecure who don't have a lot of close friendships. It's like grooming, but it's not like she abuses them, she just uses them to fill a need she has for admiration and attention.

+1

The person receiving this behavior also need acceptance, much like the person (mom/MIL) who do this. They want to feel that they belong. No, it should not be at the expense of any immediate family members.

My mom was quite good looking when she was younger and I noticed some of her surrogate daughters over the years would comment to me "Your mom is sooooooo pretty" as much as they commented her being amazing. I think it was sometimes this mutual girl crush and then when she showered them with praise it just filled this need or emptiness. I say "girl crush" but most likely it was platonic although as I have mentioned earlier on here at one point I wondered if it was a lesbian tendency coming out. It's just creepy the level of detail my mom went into about how exquisitely beautiful these ladies were and they always had slender figures which she commented on. Being slender is very important to my mother in general. Gosh the more I think about it, it was really gross how she focused on their figures too. The thing is, some of these ladies had very doting mothers-even they said so, it wasn't a keeping up appearances thing. I think there is an element of naivete too-kind of like women who get swept off their feet by men who send lots of flowers, shower them with praise and whisk them away and then disappear. They don't understand that often extreme charm can be a red flag. Praise is fine, but when someone puts you on a pedestal like that it isn't such a good sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my mom there was definitely what is called "love bombing" and discard. When she adored the surrogate daughter she showered her with compliments and would give expensive gifts or checks for special occasions. Then something happens and discards like trash. For one it had nothing to do with her, it had to do with something her husband did. I actually knew the young woman ( a peer) and she was so hurt. It's like...that's how mom operates. Welcome to my world. I find my mom's charm to phony and fake, but some of these not even young ladies (I am middle age) fall for it and think she is just sooooooo amazing. I think she purposely preys upon people anxious and insecure who don't have a lot of close friendships. It's like grooming, but it's not like she abuses them, she just uses them to fill a need she has for admiration and attention.

+1

The person receiving this behavior also need acceptance, much like the person (mom/MIL) who do this. They want to feel that they belong. No, it should not be at the expense of any immediate family members.

My mom was quite good looking when she was younger and I noticed some of her surrogate daughters over the years would comment to me "Your mom is sooooooo pretty" as much as they commented her being amazing. I think it was sometimes this mutual girl crush and then when she showered them with praise it just filled this need or emptiness. I say "girl crush" but most likely it was platonic although as I have mentioned earlier on here at one point I wondered if it was a lesbian tendency coming out. It's just creepy the level of detail my mom went into about how exquisitely beautiful these ladies were and they always had slender figures which she commented on. Being slender is very important to my mother in general. Gosh the more I think about it, it was really gross how she focused on their figures too. The thing is, some of these ladies had very doting mothers-even they said so, it wasn't a keeping up appearances thing. I think there is an element of naivete too-kind of like women who get swept off their feet by men who send lots of flowers, shower them with praise and whisk them away and then disappear. They don't understand that often extreme charm can be a red flag. Praise is fine, but when someone puts you on a pedestal like that it isn't such a good sign.

+1

Like MIL gushing over practically strangers babies, how great this or that person is, how great their baby is - you have perfectly healthy and happy grandbabies of your own to gush over, you fool! I think some people don't realize how good they have it, but they want to come off as some kind of saint to outsiders, OP. If the recipient can't see it for the load of crap the behavior is, that is on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question - do you think there was something off about that generation of women to have produced such rotten mothers? Do you think there are an equal number of terrible mothers in the current generations? (X and Millennials)?

Is this OP? In MIL's case, she did not have a good support system, and having a bunch kids was her "purpose" in life - except she pretty much ignored them. Thank God we are more educated about child rearing, these days, is all I have to say.

Terrible mothers make even more terrible grandmothers, so don't expect much.

It wasn't OP, but this is...I think in my mother's case it's a genetic personality disorder. Her mother was a different brand of crazy with some things in common. My sister has these tendencies, my brother does not. I think there are these women in every generation.

+1

Excellent point! Insecure women breed insecure women. Strong women tend to breed strong women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my mom there was definitely what is called "love bombing" and discard. When she adored the surrogate daughter she showered her with compliments and would give expensive gifts or checks for special occasions. Then something happens and discards like trash. For one it had nothing to do with her, it had to do with something her husband did. I actually knew the young woman ( a peer) and she was so hurt. It's like...that's how mom operates. Welcome to my world. I find my mom's charm to phony and fake, but some of these not even young ladies (I am middle age) fall for it and think she is just sooooooo amazing. I think she purposely preys upon people anxious and insecure who don't have a lot of close friendships. It's like grooming, but it's not like she abuses them, she just uses them to fill a need she has for admiration and attention.

+1

The person receiving this behavior also need acceptance, much like the person (mom/MIL) who do this. They want to feel that they belong. No, it should not be at the expense of any immediate family members.

My mom was quite good looking when she was younger and I noticed some of her surrogate daughters over the years would comment to me "Your mom is sooooooo pretty" as much as they commented her being amazing. I think it was sometimes this mutual girl crush and then when she showered them with praise it just filled this need or emptiness. I say "girl crush" but most likely it was platonic although as I have mentioned earlier on here at one point I wondered if it was a lesbian tendency coming out. It's just creepy the level of detail my mom went into about how exquisitely beautiful these ladies were and they always had slender figures which she commented on. Being slender is very important to my mother in general. Gosh the more I think about it, it was really gross how she focused on their figures too. The thing is, some of these ladies had very doting mothers-even they said so, it wasn't a keeping up appearances thing. I think there is an element of naivete too-kind of like women who get swept off their feet by men who send lots of flowers, shower them with praise and whisk them away and then disappear. They don't understand that often extreme charm can be a red flag. Praise is fine, but when someone puts you on a pedestal like that it isn't such a good sign.

+1

Like MIL gushing over practically strangers babies, how great this or that person is, how great their baby is - you have perfectly healthy and happy grandbabies of your own to gush over, you fool! I think some people don't realize how good they have it, but they want to come off as some kind of saint to outsiders, OP. If the recipient can't see it for the load of crap the behavior is, that is on them.

Yesss. I had this even worse. One of my kids has special needs and mom always gushed over "normal" kids the same age. So, so gross. She was so awful about the special needs-denying, blaming us, embarrassed. The kicker is now years later she goes out of her way to gush about any of her friend's grandkids who have special needs. She even gives them unsolicited donations to help with services. I guess in some deranged way she is trying to convince herself and her friends she isn't a total jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Of course they were, and they always did. They "deserved it, damn it!" And it didn't matter what happened to their kids while they were gone. If you really want to know more about that trip to Belgium...They didn't have family that could come stay with us, and they didn't want to send us to a family member's house because we'd miss school.

There was a family in our neighborhood, my little brother was friends with their son. My mom used to always say that Caroline (the mom) was a neglectful mother--the little girl in the family was about 3-4 years old and she'd be outside playing in the snow in nothing but a t shirt--no shoes, no pants, just a t shirt!
So of course, when my parents needed to find a babysitter for us while they were in Belgium for a week--who could they ask for a recommendation? Why, Caroline--the "neglectful mother!" And Caroline had someone in mind--a 22 year old woman named Beth.
I think my mom met Beth once before they left. The first night Beth took us into Boston (about a 45 minute drive away) on a school night. The circus was in town and she was able to get free tickets from her boss at work--nice, right? On the way home she stopped at a bar (she said her mom was in the bar and she needed to talk to her mom.) My brother's and I waited in the parking lot of the bar for what seemed like at least an hour (by now it was about 10 pm on a school night.)
So that was the first night.

The subsequent nights were even worse. Beth had three boyfriends. Each one of them took turns spending the night at our house. Some nights Beth's best friend and her boyfriend spent the night (11 year old me came down to the family room in my pjs one morning to see a naked couple on the sofa bed) too.
Lots of late night partying and alcohol every night, strange men spending the night, I saw my first R rated move that weekend...

But what else could my parents do? They wanted to go to Belgium, and they "deserved it, damn it!"

You'd think they would have learned their lesson, but no. A few years later they went to Hawaii (yes, they "deserved it, damn it") and this time hired another compete stranger to watch their children while they were overseas. This time it was an older lady, that was completely against 14 year old me being out past 9 pm on a Friday night. Ok...but the problem was--I wasn't just out having fun with friends--this was for my school marching band/football game. The game went until 10 pm at night and then I had to change and get a ride home. My parents knew this was mandatory (marching band was counted in place of PE in my school--so it was an actual graded class and I would be marked down for not attending) but didn't communicate it with the babysitter--and the babysitter didn't care when I told her. When I returned home that night (directly from the game) she had dead bolted the door so I couldn't get in (yes, she was well aware I did not have a key to that lock!) She wanted me to face "consequences" for being out past the curfew she made up!
She was just a mean nasty abusive woman who screamed at my younger brother until he cried when he didn't eat his vegetables. It was really awful. But my parents wanted to go to Hawaii and they "deserved it, damn it!" so us kids just had to deal with it.

But yeah, of course they were allowed to go on vacation without us--those are the two big overseas trips they took without us--but there were many others that were shorter or over school breaks so they were able to send us to a family member's house instead of hiring random strangers. We never went on family vacations that were not tied to a work conference for my dad or a family wedding.

I get your life sucked and your parents suck but you are coming across entitled and bitter. Clearly you don’t have great parents. Frame it that way, over “my parents didn’t invite me in vacation”.

Wow, what's the matter with you? Does attacking someone with uncaring parents make you feel good? Do you identify with the awful mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question - do you think there was something off about that generation of women to have produced such rotten mothers? Do you think there are an equal number of terrible mothers in the current generations? (X and Millennials)?

I'm so glad I found this thread and to learn that I'm not alone.
OK, so I've thought about this question quite a bit - as in, I've had a few decades since moving out of the house to reflect on my parents.

I think the majority of women born in the 1940s -60s had very narrow life choices. While pathways were opening up for women, it was usually the well-to-do that had access. There were many a woman of questionable ability who were funneled into the role that have been assigned to women for millenia - marriage & children. That is to say, there was probably a millenia of women who were terrible mothers as well.
And from what I've seen as a parent, there are still terrible mothers in formation today.
This kind of cruelty and immaturity has no generational barrier. The mothers who indulge in that today have a lot more life choices so their kids are probably going to be in an even worse of a complex about their childhood.

To all the women whose mothers treat them as emotional punching bags, who despite knowing mom's temperamental deficits nevertheless find themselves feeling depressed and teary every single holiday season, terribly sad for their children who have no grandparent love, find yourself constantly thinking about what the hell the motivations were for what they said and did years and years ago - it's not you, it's her. I know, I know, it still hurts but can you imagine how much more it hurts to live life as THAT mother? The self-denial, the weird reality they live in, the insecurity, the constant spinning of stories. So exhausting and deluded. If you try to understand how they experience things, it hurts a little less - I hope.

[Anonymous]

Triangulation.

It's a manipulation tactic.

It's like having a scapegoat and a golden child.

It's a way for her to maintain control and power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With my mom there was definitely what is called "love bombing" and discard. When she adored the surrogate daughter she showered her with compliments and would give expensive gifts or checks for special occasions. Then something happens and discards like trash. For one it had nothing to do with her, it had to do with something her husband did. I actually knew the young woman ( a peer) and she was so hurt. It's like...that's how mom operates. Welcome to my world. I find my mom's charm to phony and fake, but some of these not even young ladies (I am middle age) fall for it and think she is just sooooooo amazing. I think she purposely preys upon people anxious and insecure who don't have a lot of close friendships. It's like grooming, but it's not like she abuses them, she just uses them to fill a need she has for admiration and attention.

Narcissistic supply