Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who always agrees with my toxic mom by sayingat her "adopted" daughter sounds amazing. What really shut her up was when I said "she sounds amazing! She must have had an incredible mother!"

No mention from toxic mom since. LOL.

TM not very bright.

That is awesome!

LOL! Love it! My mom picks up every slight-real or imagined, so that would have set off a rage fit. I would use it if worked that well. That's awesome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who always agrees with my toxic mom by sayingat her "adopted" daughter sounds amazing. What really shut her up was when I said "she sounds amazing! She must have had an incredible mother!"

No mention from toxic mom since. LOL.

TM not very bright.

That is awesome!

LOL! Love it! My mom picks up every slight-real or imagined, so that would have set off a rage fit. I would use it if worked that well. That's awesome!

Let her rage. She started this fight. Rage right back.

[Anonymous]

Yes!

I got to hear all about her “adopted daughter”—a work colleague. I didn’t react much. Eventually, I asked if the “adopted daughter” would visit my mom in the nursing home. After that, my mom toned it down a lot.

She had done it before with a neighbor kid who was a bit older than I was. Oh, she was so smart! She was so good talking to adults! And so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?

It was about the class.

I am a new poster. This reminded me my mom took trips all over the world and never took me anywhere but we were apparently poor and no money to pay for me to attend college out of state.

We took a few weekend vacations when I was young. I was screamed at often about how poor we were…despite her trips to Asia and Europe and all her clothing…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in 4th grade, super awkward with no friends, my mom said my bully was the most beautiful child she had ever seen. In fact she still mentions it!

My mil does that about my husband’s bully-we get regular updates abt his (mediocre!) career. It’s bizarre.

Omg, my husband gets this from his mom. He finally told her to stop bringing up the woman and MIL was so clueless and bragged about their lives—not understanding they (woman and her husband) lived off of a trust fund.

MIL also invited husband’s ex-gf over after being specifically asked not to do that.

[Anonymous]

When I was in college, I nannied for this family with a 3yo and 5yo. The mom also had a 20yo daughter that had gone to college and stopped contact.

The mom became obsessed with a having a great "mother-daughter" relationship with me. She would take me on $500 shopping sprees, let me take their car over weekends to visit my bf 4 hours away (she'd buy me alcohol too for those trips when I was underage), she let me use their vacation condo for spring break with my friends, etc.

It was very strange, but I was also a poor college kid who had never experienced anything like that in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in college, I nannied for this family with a 3yo and 5yo. The mom also had a 20yo daughter that had gone to college and stopped contact.

The mom became obsessed with a having a great "mother-daughter" relationship with me. She would take me on $500 shopping sprees, let me take their car over weekends to visit my bf 4 hours away (she'd buy me alcohol too for those trips when I was underage), she let me use their vacation condo for spring break with my friends, etc.

It was very strange, but I was also a poor college kid who had never experienced anything like that in my life.

Reading your post reminds me of that movie Spanglish and how Tea Leoni's character treated the housekeeper's daughter compared to her own.

I'm sorry to all the posters who have moms like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in college, I nannied for this family with a 3yo and 5yo. The mom also had a 20yo daughter that had gone to college and stopped contact.

The mom became obsessed with a having a great "mother-daughter" relationship with me. She would take me on $500 shopping sprees, let me take their car over weekends to visit my bf 4 hours away (she'd buy me alcohol too for those trips when I was underage), she let me use their vacation condo for spring break with my friends, etc.

It was very strange, but I was also a poor college kid who had never experienced anything like that in my life.

Reading your post reminds me of that movie Spanglish and how Tea Leoni's character treated the housekeeper's daughter compared to her own.

I'm sorry to all the posters who have moms like this.

I'm not the pp you are responding to

Oh geez! I had thought the same thing when I first read it a few hours ago! I even typed out a response and was thinking of linking to a video clip of when Tea Leoni's character takes the other little girl out to get those colored highlights!

[Anonymous]

I’m very close to my mom now and she’s awesome but this thread is bringing back weird memories of growing up! My mom was very very religious (less so now) and convinced that I would be conceited if she praised me too much, especially anything related to appearance. So she really didn’t praise me almost at all (I don’t think I can remember her ever saying I looked pretty) but would be really encouraging and complementary to my friends, especially those who didn’t have a great home life. I remember asking her about it once and she was so mad at me for begrudging a girl with a crap family some complements! Which of course was not what was happening, I just wanted her to say something nice about me too. I’m not a model or anything but I think everyone wants their mom to like how they look and value their accomplishments. Definitely a weird blind spot that she has gotten over and is much more encouraging/complementary now, both of me and all grandchildren, thank goodness.

[Anonymous]

My mom thinks everyone but me is great and brags about anyone else's achievements but I can't recall a time she ever told me she was proud of me.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone watch the hilarious show “Difficult People?” There’s a great episode on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone watch the hilarious show “Difficult People?” There’s a great episode on this.

I just googled it. Is it still on Hulu? What episode?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?

If that's what you got out of that story, then maybe you should do some self-reflection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in college, I nannied for this family with a 3yo and 5yo. The mom also had a 20yo daughter that had gone to college and stopped contact.

The mom became obsessed with a having a great "mother-daughter" relationship with me. She would take me on $500 shopping sprees, let me take their car over weekends to visit my bf 4 hours away (she'd buy me alcohol too for those trips when I was underage), she let me use their vacation condo for spring break with my friends, etc.

It was very strange, but I was also a poor college kid who had never experienced anything like that in my life.

My mom does this. She gives her "surrogate: daughters fancy gifts or a big check for the birthday and then she tells me. I find it so icky she feels the need to tell me. Then I think about if my dad did the same thing with females my age I would think her were a totally creepy perv. At one point I started to wonder if my mother had actual crushes on these women. She would go on and on about their beauty and how amazing they were it almost seemed like she was falling in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom thinks everyone but me is great and brags about anyone else's achievements but I can't recall a time she ever told me she was proud of me.

I am so sorry and I relate.