Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?

[Anonymous]

So toxic.

Are all of you "yes" posters only children? Wondering if this dynamuc is a golden child/SG variation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So toxic.

Are all of you "yes" posters only children? Wondering if this dynamuc is a golden child/SG variation.

Nope, I have a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

I could have written this. Did the same thing you did. When she tells me about her "adopted daughter" I say wow she sounds amazing! When she does the comparison I say wow I can see why you enjoy being with her! Drives her crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So toxic.

Are all of you "yes" posters only children? Wondering if this dynamuc is a golden child/SG variation.

I have a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My mom never tells me I’m good at anything. Not my job, kids, financially, looks. Nothing. She’ll go on and on about my cousins and my SIL. I had a child around the same time as SIL. After we gave birth, my mom always commented on how SIL lost all the weight and looks great. I was heavier and it really bothered my mom. Then SIL started selling houses on the side. My mom commented on how she made $20K selling a house. Her yearly income wasn’t much more. I make $180K. My mother had never acknowledged that I make more than anyone in our family ever has. I just don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So toxic.

Are all of you "yes" posters only children? Wondering if this dynamuc is a golden child/SG variation.

NP and no. My mom does this with one of our cousins. My sister and I frequently speak about how odd it is to at my mom is completely obsessed with her. It’s been this way our entire lives. We are all adults now with children and that cousin has adult children. Our mother will fly and drive all over the country to see her kids. I directly called her out on it because she insists we fly there to see her and not the other way around. She says that’s not true and she will come to see her actual grandkids. It’s been many years since she visited here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So toxic.

Are all of you "yes" posters only children? Wondering if this dynamuc is a golden child/SG variation.

Nope. She did GC within the family too and I was rarely it unless the GC did something she found absolutely intolerable.

Also, she once got extremely jealous that I preferred to play at a friend's house than have the friend over. I was maybe 5 or 6 and she drilled me for what that mother did. The thing is, it wasn't about the baking cookies or the toys there. It was such an emotionally safe place to be a kid. I never once told my mom that mother was kinder, more patient and accepting, but my mom assumed it about things and food. So, she got me a new toy and bought some cookies and then threw a fit when I wasn't falling all over her with appreciation. I was sent to my room. LOL! She had no idea what love was all about and that it could not be purchased.

[Anonymous]

My mom was never like this, but I remember feeling awkward as a teen when my friends' mothers would compare their daughter to me in front of us both. It was never to make their daughter feel better. It was awful really.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, OP, for this thread. Similar experience for me, too. It really helps to read that I am not alone.

FWIW, I am ridiculously proud of my kids and tell them so. This can stop with our generation.

[Anonymous]

My mother does this too. She came up to DC for the weekend for a trip with her surrogate daughter (a woman she used to work with), and they were staying in a hotel in NW and had a very busy schedule planned. She told me she had no time to see me or my kids. I was pretty upset about it, even offered to drive to her to all go to breakfast, brunch, lunch or dinner, my treat. But no.

Then she gets up here and they discover it's $60 a day, per car, to park at the hotel (they each had a car). So suddenly she decides she does have time to see me, to drop off her car and leave it in my driveway for 4 days to save on the parking fee. She came, took her stuff out of her car and put in her friend's car, then they both left in the friend's car. That was it. That is all I saw her. Then my kids came home, saw Grandma's car, were all excited she was here and I had to explain it was just her car here, she wasn't coming.

My mother sees zero problem with what she does. She had a great weekend with her friend. I cried for almost 2 days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So toxic.

Are all of you "yes" posters only children? Wondering if this dynamuc is a golden child/SG variation.

I have a sibling.

NP here. I have 2. I am the oldest and most responsible of the three, but apparently that's not good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother does this too. She came up to DC for the weekend for a trip with her surrogate daughter (a woman she used to work with), and they were staying in a hotel in NW and had a very busy schedule planned. She told me she had no time to see me or my kids. I was pretty upset about it, even offered to drive to her to all go to breakfast, brunch, lunch or dinner, my treat. But no.

Then she gets up here and they discover it's $60 a day, per car, to park at the hotel (they each had a car). So suddenly she decides she does have time to see me, to drop off her car and leave it in my driveway for 4 days to save on the parking fee. She came, took her stuff out of her car and put in her friend's car, then they both left in the friend's car. That was it. That is all I saw her. Then my kids came home, saw Grandma's car, were all excited she was here and I had to explain it was just her car here, she wasn't coming.

My mother sees zero problem with what she does. She had a great weekend with her friend. I cried for almost 2 days.

Jesus, that’s cold. I’d have been tempted to call the tow truck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother does this too. She came up to DC for the weekend for a trip with her surrogate daughter (a woman she used to work with), and they were staying in a hotel in NW and had a very busy schedule planned. She told me she had no time to see me or my kids. I was pretty upset about it, even offered to drive to her to all go to breakfast, brunch, lunch or dinner, my treat. But no.

Then she gets up here and they discover it's $60 a day, per car, to park at the hotel (they each had a car). So suddenly she decides she does have time to see me, to drop off her car and leave it in my driveway for 4 days to save on the parking fee. She came, took her stuff out of her car and put in her friend's car, then they both left in the friend's car. That was it. That is all I saw her. Then my kids came home, saw Grandma's car, were all excited she was here and I had to explain it was just her car here, she wasn't coming.

My mother sees zero problem with what she does. She had a great weekend with her friend. I cried for almost 2 days.

Holy shit, PP, that is absolutely awful. I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?

I think you missed the point of the post. It was about the French class.

I can’t think of many vacations my parents took without me and my brother when we were kids. Nor can I think of many we took when my kids were young. When we did it was a weekend attached to a work trip, or was a weekend for a wedding or something when the kids had school or sports obligations. My kids are in their 20s and we still do family vacations.