Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother does this too. She came up to DC for the weekend for a trip with her surrogate daughter (a woman she used to work with), and they were staying in a hotel in NW and had a very busy schedule planned. She told me she had no time to see me or my kids. I was pretty upset about it, even offered to drive to her to all go to breakfast, brunch, lunch or dinner, my treat. But no.

Then she gets up here and they discover it's $60 a day, per car, to park at the hotel (they each had a car). So suddenly she decides she does have time to see me, to drop off her car and leave it in my driveway for 4 days to save on the parking fee. She came, took her stuff out of her car and put in her friend's car, then they both left in the friend's car. That was it. That is all I saw her. Then my kids came home, saw Grandma's car, were all excited she was here and I had to explain it was just her car here, she wasn't coming.

My mother sees zero problem with what she does. She had a great weekend with her friend. I cried for almost 2 days.

Holy shit, PP, that is absolutely awful. I’m so sorry.

I am so sorry. My mom is completely obsessed with some cousins who live more of the lifestyle she considers up to her standards-fancy home, etc. She had this strange ritual where she expected us to be oncall for holidays, but she waited to see if these people invited her first. If we made other plans before she heard, she was offended. However, it was our job to ready as plan B. We could not go see these cousins because she refused to admit that one of our kids had special needs, but it was not something we could just hide. I actually put up with this for so long and we could not explain what was going on to our kids, but we were constantly making excuses. She was kind to our child with SN, but refused to accept there were SN and she criticized me for all the interventions, etc. Now as more people distance themselves from her she vacillates between fake kindness so we will do things for her and then tirades so we will do things for her. There are so many layers of crazy I am dealing with as my elderly mom gets more needy and I realize how truly obnoxious and cruel-hearted she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, OP, for this thread. Similar experience for me, too. It really helps to read that I am not alone.

FWIW, I am ridiculously proud of my kids and tell them so. This can stop with our generation.

I feel the same way about this thread. These are things I really had not verbalized to anyone but my husband. I don't even think I mentioned it much in therapy. I make many mistakes with my kids, but I can honestly say I do not pull this BS with them. They know I am proud of them and I tell them often what impresses me about them. I truly want to break this cycle of crazy.

[Anonymous]

Have any of you with these ghastly mothers considered turning the tables? Finding an older woman who is "such a natural with [the grandkids], they just love her" and "her cooking is so amazing, the kids just scarf it up" and "she always gives the kids the *best* presents, she's so thoughtful and really understands them."

Then watch your mothers implode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you with these ghastly mothers considered turning the tables? Finding an older woman who is "such a natural with [the grandkids], they just love her" and "her cooking is so amazing, the kids just scarf it up" and "she always gives the kids the *best* presents, she's so thoughtful and really understands them."

Then watch your mothers implode.

I have had these people in my life occasionally-like a super nurturing boss at a job I had in grad school. I believe in taking the high road, but also if I did this yes, my mother would implode and escalate and tell me off and I just don't have the energy for that. She can dish it with all sorts of things, but cannot take it and I as annoying as the behavior is, it would be far worse if I have it back to her. I don't need a deluge of hostile calls, emails, etc. If you are thinking it would teach her a lesson, I can assure you it would not. She is not someone who does much self-reflection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?

Of course they were, and they always did. They "deserved it, damn it!" And it didn't matter what happened to their kids while they were gone. If you really want to know more about that trip to Belgium...They didn't have family that could come stay with us, and they didn't want to send us to a family member's house because we'd miss school.

There was a family in our neighborhood, my little brother was friends with their son. My mom used to always say that Caroline (the mom) was a neglectful mother--the little girl in the family was about 3-4 years old and she'd be outside playing in the snow in nothing but a t shirt--no shoes, no pants, just a t shirt!
So of course, when my parents needed to find a babysitter for us while they were in Belgium for a week--who could they ask for a recommendation? Why, Caroline--the "neglectful mother!" And Caroline had someone in mind--a 22 year old woman named Beth.
I think my mom met Beth once before they left. The first night Beth took us into Boston (about a 45 minute drive away) on a school night. The circus was in town and she was able to get free tickets from her boss at work--nice, right? On the way home she stopped at a bar (she said her mom was in the bar and she needed to talk to her mom.) My brother's and I waited in the parking lot of the bar for what seemed like at least an hour (by now it was about 10 pm on a school night.)
So that was the first night.

The subsequent nights were even worse. Beth had three boyfriends. Each one of them took turns spending the night at our house. Some nights Beth's best friend and her boyfriend spent the night (11 year old me came down to the family room in my pjs one morning to see a naked couple on the sofa bed) too.
Lots of late night partying and alcohol every night, strange men spending the night, I saw my first R rated move that weekend...

But what else could my parents do? They wanted to go to Belgium, and they "deserved it, damn it!"

You'd think they would have learned their lesson, but no. A few years later they went to Hawaii (yes, they "deserved it, damn it") and this time hired another compete stranger to watch their children while they were overseas. This time it was an older lady, that was completely against 14 year old me being out past 9 pm on a Friday night. Ok...but the problem was--I wasn't just out having fun with friends--this was for my school marching band/football game. The game went until 10 pm at night and then I had to change and get a ride home. My parents knew this was mandatory (marching band was counted in place of PE in my school--so it was an actual graded class and I would be marked down for not attending) but didn't communicate it with the babysitter--and the babysitter didn't care when I told her. When I returned home that night (directly from the game) she had dead bolted the door so I couldn't get in (yes, she was well aware I did not have a key to that lock!) She wanted me to face "consequences" for being out past the curfew she made up!
She was just a mean nasty abusive woman who screamed at my younger brother until he cried when he didn't eat his vegetables. It was really awful. But my parents wanted to go to Hawaii and they "deserved it, damn it!" so us kids just had to deal with it.

But yeah, of course they were allowed to go on vacation without us--those are the two big overseas trips they took without us--but there were many others that were shorter or over school breaks so they were able to send us to a family member's house instead of hiring random strangers. We never went on family vacations that were not tied to a work conference for my dad or a family wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?

Of course they were, and they always did. They "deserved it, damn it!" And it didn't matter what happened to their kids while they were gone. If you really want to know more about that trip to Belgium...They didn't have family that could come stay with us, and they didn't want to send us to a family member's house because we'd miss school.

There was a family in our neighborhood, my little brother was friends with their son. My mom used to always say that Caroline (the mom) was a neglectful mother--the little girl in the family was about 3-4 years old and she'd be outside playing in the snow in nothing but a t shirt--no shoes, no pants, just a t shirt!
So of course, when my parents needed to find a babysitter for us while they were in Belgium for a week--who could they ask for a recommendation? Why, Caroline--the "neglectful mother!" And Caroline had someone in mind--a 22 year old woman named Beth.
I think my mom met Beth once before they left. The first night Beth took us into Boston (about a 45 minute drive away) on a school night. The circus was in town and she was able to get free tickets from her boss at work--nice, right? On the way home she stopped at a bar (she said her mom was in the bar and she needed to talk to her mom.) My brother's and I waited in the parking lot of the bar for what seemed like at least an hour (by now it was about 10 pm on a school night.)
So that was the first night.

The subsequent nights were even worse. Beth had three boyfriends. Each one of them took turns spending the night at our house. Some nights Beth's best friend and her boyfriend spent the night (11 year old me came down to the family room in my pjs one morning to see a naked couple on the sofa bed) too.
Lots of late night partying and alcohol every night, strange men spending the night, I saw my first R rated move that weekend...

But what else could my parents do? They wanted to go to Belgium, and they "deserved it, damn it!"

You'd think they would have learned their lesson, but no. A few years later they went to Hawaii (yes, they "deserved it, damn it") and this time hired another compete stranger to watch their children while they were overseas. This time it was an older lady, that was completely against 14 year old me being out past 9 pm on a Friday night. Ok...but the problem was--I wasn't just out having fun with friends--this was for my school marching band/football game. The game went until 10 pm at night and then I had to change and get a ride home. My parents knew this was mandatory (marching band was counted in place of PE in my school--so it was an actual graded class and I would be marked down for not attending) but didn't communicate it with the babysitter--and the babysitter didn't care when I told her. When I returned home that night (directly from the game) she had dead bolted the door so I couldn't get in (yes, she was well aware I did not have a key to that lock!) She wanted me to face "consequences" for being out past the curfew she made up!
She was just a mean nasty abusive woman who screamed at my younger brother until he cried when he didn't eat his vegetables. It was really awful. But my parents wanted to go to Hawaii and they "deserved it, damn it!" so us kids just had to deal with it.

But yeah, of course they were allowed to go on vacation without us--those are the two big overseas trips they took without us--but there were many others that were shorter or over school breaks so they were able to send us to a family member's house instead of hiring random strangers. We never went on family vacations that were not tied to a work conference for my dad or a family wedding.

Whew! Your mom was a piece of work. Your dad too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you with these ghastly mothers considered turning the tables? Finding an older woman who is "such a natural with [the grandkids], they just love her" and "her cooking is so amazing, the kids just scarf it up" and "she always gives the kids the *best* presents, she's so thoughtful and really understands them."

Then watch your mothers implode.

No. I try and talk to my mom as little as possible. I have a weird combination of pity that she’s so sick and anger that she won’t seek help. But if I did this, it would drive her nuts. My mom is always very concerned with how much my in-laws see the kids. She has never met my kids, despite repeated offers to bring them up to see her. She’s just a very sick person and I try to keep that in mind. I do what I can to protect me and my family from her, while trying not to make her suffering worse. It’s gotta be an awful way for her to live.

[Anonymous]

My mom does a version of this. She wouldn't actually take on a mother-daughter relationship, but she if she met someone my age who really impressed her, she would go on and on about it in detail ... repeatedly ... ad nauseam. I thought it was weird but at the same time, I didn't mind much because I don't really spend time comparing myself to people who are doing things I'm not interested in.

One time, it was her friend's niece, who had won the state beauty pageant, and was "so exquisite." My mother went so far as to state that while my sister and I were pretty, we were not in the same league as this beauty pageant winner. I accepted this as fact, but my sister was very offended and said she feels that out of all the people in the world, at least your mother should think you're the prettiest. And I think she has a point!

Another time, it was this political/media personality. My mother met her at her workplace and was enthralled. Would not shut up about how this woman was so accomplished, so put together, so amazing. Imagine, for her to be so impressive and only the same age as me, etc. I can't tell you how many times I had to hear this woman's name. She was relatively unknown at the time, but now known nationally. I don't watch TV news shows, but it always hits me when I read her name in the news. I loathe everything that the woman stands for. I wouldn't want to be like her at all.

Meanwhile, at some point I noticed that my mother could not stand to hear anything nice about anyone else. And I wouldn't even doing it "on purpose" or about women she could compare herself to, either. Just casual conversation, like "Oh, I just love Stacy, she's awesome," talking about my sister's friend. This type of comment would make her stop, pause and go pale. "Really, what's so great about Stacy?" So then I have to justify that Stacy is fun-loving, positive and seems to have great relationships with her kids! "Doesn't sound all that awesome to me!" LOL. Yeah, she would have really lost her mind if I had started talking about a surrogate mother figure, as a PP suggested, and it would not have been effective.

FYI, my mother is a diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I know some people here feel that you should focus on the behavior and not the label, and I agree there's some truth in that, but it helped me to know that my mother had a mental illness with a name. It's amazing how BPDs have so many behaviors in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom does a version of this. She wouldn't actually take on a mother-daughter relationship, but she if she met someone my age who really impressed her, she would go on and on about it in detail ... repeatedly ... ad nauseam. I thought it was weird but at the same time, I didn't mind much because I don't really spend time comparing myself to people who are doing things I'm not interested in.

One time, it was her friend's niece, who had won the state beauty pageant, and was "so exquisite." My mother went so far as to state that while my sister and I were pretty, we were not in the same league as this beauty pageant winner. I accepted this as fact, but my sister was very offended and said she feels that out of all the people in the world, at least your mother should think you're the prettiest. And I think she has a point!

Another time, it was this political/media personality. My mother met her at her workplace and was enthralled. Would not shut up about how this woman was so accomplished, so put together, so amazing. Imagine, for her to be so impressive and only the same age as me, etc. I can't tell you how many times I had to hear this woman's name. She was relatively unknown at the time, but now known nationally. I don't watch TV news shows, but it always hits me when I read her name in the news. I loathe everything that the woman stands for. I wouldn't want to be like her at all.

Meanwhile, at some point I noticed that my mother could not stand to hear anything nice about anyone else. And I wouldn't even doing it "on purpose" or about women she could compare herself to, either. Just casual conversation, like "Oh, I just love Stacy, she's awesome," talking about my sister's friend. This type of comment would make her stop, pause and go pale. "Really, what's so great about Stacy?" So then I have to justify that Stacy is fun-loving, positive and seems to have great relationships with her kids! "Doesn't sound all that awesome to me!" LOL. Yeah, she would have really lost her mind if I had started talking about a surrogate mother figure, as a PP suggested, and it would not have been effective.

FYI, my mother is a diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I know some people here feel that you should focus on the behavior and not the label, and I agree there's some truth in that, but it helped me to know that my mother had a mental illness with a name. It's amazing how BPDs have so many behaviors in common.

I’m the PP who said I don’t egg my mom on because it wouldn’t serve me and I think she’s already sick enough and probably in enough mental pain. I think my mom is likely BPD with some narcissistic tendencies. But we will probably never know, because she won’t attend family counseling and she will only see a psychiatrist long enough to score meds without working on any underlying problems. I know she has spent her life building up a false persona (I’m so tough, I do everything alone, I can compartmentalization my stress, etc). I think it would kill her to face her real self and be vulnerable enough to get some work done in therapy. It’s like the false self is the only thing holding her very fragile and damaged ego together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?

I think you missed the point of the post. It was about the French class.

I can’t think of many vacations my parents took without me and my brother when we were kids. Nor can I think of many we took when my kids were young. When we did it was a weekend attached to a work trip, or was a weekend for a wedding or something when the kids had school or sports obligations. My kids are in their 20s and we still do family vacations.



No, it seems like the rub initiated with that they weren’t invited to the vacation. Then mom talking about another little girl attending the class she couldn’t.

[Anonymous]

My mom was difficult in plenty of ways but never did anything like this. I’m sorry, op and other posters saying yes-that’s really hurtful behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom does a version of this. She wouldn't actually take on a mother-daughter relationship, but she if she met someone my age who really impressed her, she would go on and on about it in detail ... repeatedly ... ad nauseam. I thought it was weird but at the same time, I didn't mind much because I don't really spend time comparing myself to people who are doing things I'm not interested in.

One time, it was her friend's niece, who had won the state beauty pageant, and was "so exquisite." My mother went so far as to state that while my sister and I were pretty, we were not in the same league as this beauty pageant winner. I accepted this as fact, but my sister was very offended and said she feels that out of all the people in the world, at least your mother should think you're the prettiest. And I think she has a point!

Another time, it was this political/media personality. My mother met her at her workplace and was enthralled. Would not shut up about how this woman was so accomplished, so put together, so amazing. Imagine, for her to be so impressive and only the same age as me, etc. I can't tell you how many times I had to hear this woman's name. She was relatively unknown at the time, but now known nationally. I don't watch TV news shows, but it always hits me when I read her name in the news. I loathe everything that the woman stands for. I wouldn't want to be like her at all.

Meanwhile, at some point I noticed that my mother could not stand to hear anything nice about anyone else. And I wouldn't even doing it "on purpose" or about women she could compare herself to, either. Just casual conversation, like "Oh, I just love Stacy, she's awesome," talking about my sister's friend. This type of comment would make her stop, pause and go pale. "Really, what's so great about Stacy?" So then I have to justify that Stacy is fun-loving, positive and seems to have great relationships with her kids! "Doesn't sound all that awesome to me!" LOL. Yeah, she would have really lost her mind if I had started talking about a surrogate mother figure, as a PP suggested, and it would not have been effective.

FYI, my mother is a diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I know some people here feel that you should focus on the behavior and not the label, and I agree there's some truth in that, but it helped me to know that my mother had a mental illness with a name. It's amazing how BPDs have so many behaviors in common.

I’m the PP who said I don’t egg my mom on because it wouldn’t serve me and I think she’s already sick enough and probably in enough mental pain. I think my mom is likely BPD with some narcissistic tendencies. But we will probably never know, because she won’t attend family counseling and she will only see a psychiatrist long enough to score meds without working on any underlying problems. I know she has spent her life building up a false persona (I’m so tough, I do everything alone, I can compartmentalization my stress, etc). I think it would kill her to face her real self and be vulnerable enough to get some work done in therapy. It’s like the false self is the only thing holding her very fragile and damaged ego together.

Yes, exactly as I have described my mother - BPD with narcissistic tendencies. I've read that BPD is treatable by therapy, NPD not so much. And that the incidence of BPDs actually doing the work in therapy is very low. I cut my mother off because of serious incidents of betrayal and endangerment that I might have PTSD. My sister keeps her at a safe distance like you do. She has to constantly enforce the boundaries, which is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?

Of course they were, and they always did. They "deserved it, damn it!" And it didn't matter what happened to their kids while they were gone. If you really want to know more about that trip to Belgium...They didn't have family that could come stay with us, and they didn't want to send us to a family member's house because we'd miss school.

There was a family in our neighborhood, my little brother was friends with their son. My mom used to always say that Caroline (the mom) was a neglectful mother--the little girl in the family was about 3-4 years old and she'd be outside playing in the snow in nothing but a t shirt--no shoes, no pants, just a t shirt!
So of course, when my parents needed to find a babysitter for us while they were in Belgium for a week--who could they ask for a recommendation? Why, Caroline--the "neglectful mother!" And Caroline had someone in mind--a 22 year old woman named Beth.
I think my mom met Beth once before they left. The first night Beth took us into Boston (about a 45 minute drive away) on a school night. The circus was in town and she was able to get free tickets from her boss at work--nice, right? On the way home she stopped at a bar (she said her mom was in the bar and she needed to talk to her mom.) My brother's and I waited in the parking lot of the bar for what seemed like at least an hour (by now it was about 10 pm on a school night.)
So that was the first night.

The subsequent nights were even worse. Beth had three boyfriends. Each one of them took turns spending the night at our house. Some nights Beth's best friend and her boyfriend spent the night (11 year old me came down to the family room in my pjs one morning to see a naked couple on the sofa bed) too.
Lots of late night partying and alcohol every night, strange men spending the night, I saw my first R rated move that weekend...

But what else could my parents do? They wanted to go to Belgium, and they "deserved it, damn it!"

You'd think they would have learned their lesson, but no. A few years later they went to Hawaii (yes, they "deserved it, damn it") and this time hired another compete stranger to watch their children while they were overseas. This time it was an older lady, that was completely against 14 year old me being out past 9 pm on a Friday night. Ok...but the problem was--I wasn't just out having fun with friends--this was for my school marching band/football game. The game went until 10 pm at night and then I had to change and get a ride home. My parents knew this was mandatory (marching band was counted in place of PE in my school--so it was an actual graded class and I would be marked down for not attending) but didn't communicate it with the babysitter--and the babysitter didn't care when I told her. When I returned home that night (directly from the game) she had dead bolted the door so I couldn't get in (yes, she was well aware I did not have a key to that lock!) She wanted me to face "consequences" for being out past the curfew she made up!
She was just a mean nasty abusive woman who screamed at my younger brother until he cried when he didn't eat his vegetables. It was really awful. But my parents wanted to go to Hawaii and they "deserved it, damn it!" so us kids just had to deal with it.

But yeah, of course they were allowed to go on vacation without us--those are the two big overseas trips they took without us--but there were many others that were shorter or over school breaks so they were able to send us to a family member's house instead of hiring random strangers. We never went on family vacations that were not tied to a work conference for my dad or a family wedding.

I get your life sucked and your parents suck but you are coming across entitled and bitter. Clearly you don’t have great parents. Frame it that way, over “my parents didn’t invite me in vacation”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?

Of course they were, and they always did. They "deserved it, damn it!" And it didn't matter what happened to their kids while they were gone. If you really want to know more about that trip to Belgium...They didn't have family that could come stay with us, and they didn't want to send us to a family member's house because we'd miss school.

There was a family in our neighborhood, my little brother was friends with their son. My mom used to always say that Caroline (the mom) was a neglectful mother--the little girl in the family was about 3-4 years old and she'd be outside playing in the snow in nothing but a t shirt--no shoes, no pants, just a t shirt!
So of course, when my parents needed to find a babysitter for us while they were in Belgium for a week--who could they ask for a recommendation? Why, Caroline--the "neglectful mother!" And Caroline had someone in mind--a 22 year old woman named Beth.
I think my mom met Beth once before they left. The first night Beth took us into Boston (about a 45 minute drive away) on a school night. The circus was in town and she was able to get free tickets from her boss at work--nice, right? On the way home she stopped at a bar (she said her mom was in the bar and she needed to talk to her mom.) My brother's and I waited in the parking lot of the bar for what seemed like at least an hour (by now it was about 10 pm on a school night.)
So that was the first night.

The subsequent nights were even worse. Beth had three boyfriends. Each one of them took turns spending the night at our house. Some nights Beth's best friend and her boyfriend spent the night (11 year old me came down to the family room in my pjs one morning to see a naked couple on the sofa bed) too.
Lots of late night partying and alcohol every night, strange men spending the night, I saw my first R rated move that weekend...

But what else could my parents do? They wanted to go to Belgium, and they "deserved it, damn it!"

You'd think they would have learned their lesson, but no. A few years later they went to Hawaii (yes, they "deserved it, damn it") and this time hired another compete stranger to watch their children while they were overseas. This time it was an older lady, that was completely against 14 year old me being out past 9 pm on a Friday night. Ok...but the problem was--I wasn't just out having fun with friends--this was for my school marching band/football game. The game went until 10 pm at night and then I had to change and get a ride home. My parents knew this was mandatory (marching band was counted in place of PE in my school--so it was an actual graded class and I would be marked down for not attending) but didn't communicate it with the babysitter--and the babysitter didn't care when I told her. When I returned home that night (directly from the game) she had dead bolted the door so I couldn't get in (yes, she was well aware I did not have a key to that lock!) She wanted me to face "consequences" for being out past the curfew she made up!
She was just a mean nasty abusive woman who screamed at my younger brother until he cried when he didn't eat his vegetables. It was really awful. But my parents wanted to go to Hawaii and they "deserved it, damn it!" so us kids just had to deal with it.

But yeah, of course they were allowed to go on vacation without us--those are the two big overseas trips they took without us--but there were many others that were shorter or over school breaks so they were able to send us to a family member's house instead of hiring random strangers. We never went on family vacations that were not tied to a work conference for my dad or a family wedding.

Wow-that completely sucks. I hope you and your brother are living your best lives!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom does a version of this. She wouldn't actually take on a mother-daughter relationship, but she if she met someone my age who really impressed her, she would go on and on about it in detail ... repeatedly ... ad nauseam. I thought it was weird but at the same time, I didn't mind much because I don't really spend time comparing myself to people who are doing things I'm not interested in.

One time, it was her friend's niece, who had won the state beauty pageant, and was "so exquisite." My mother went so far as to state that while my sister and I were pretty, we were not in the same league as this beauty pageant winner. I accepted this as fact, but my sister was very offended and said she feels that out of all the people in the world, at least your mother should think you're the prettiest. And I think she has a point!

Another time, it was this political/media personality. My mother met her at her workplace and was enthralled. Would not shut up about how this woman was so accomplished, so put together, so amazing. Imagine, for her to be so impressive and only the same age as me, etc. I can't tell you how many times I had to hear this woman's name. She was relatively unknown at the time, but now known nationally. I don't watch TV news shows, but it always hits me when I read her name in the news. I loathe everything that the woman stands for. I wouldn't want to be like her at all.

Meanwhile, at some point I noticed that my mother could not stand to hear anything nice about anyone else. And I wouldn't even doing it "on purpose" or about women she could compare herself to, either. Just casual conversation, like "Oh, I just love Stacy, she's awesome," talking about my sister's friend. This type of comment would make her stop, pause and go pale. "Really, what's so great about Stacy?" So then I have to justify that Stacy is fun-loving, positive and seems to have great relationships with her kids! "Doesn't sound all that awesome to me!" LOL. Yeah, she would have really lost her mind if I had started talking about a surrogate mother figure, as a PP suggested, and it would not have been effective.

FYI, my mother is a diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I know some people here feel that you should focus on the behavior and not the label, and I agree there's some truth in that, but it helped me to know that my mother had a mental illness with a name. It's amazing how BPDs have so many behaviors in common.

I’m the PP who said I don’t egg my mom on because it wouldn’t serve me and I think she’s already sick enough and probably in enough mental pain. I think my mom is likely BPD with some narcissistic tendencies. But we will probably never know, because she won’t attend family counseling and she will only see a psychiatrist long enough to score meds without working on any underlying problems. I know she has spent her life building up a false persona (I’m so tough, I do everything alone, I can compartmentalization my stress, etc). I think it would kill her to face her real self and be vulnerable enough to get some work done in therapy. It’s like the false self is the only thing holding her very fragile and damaged ego together.

I know so many people on here get their feathers ruffled when we talk about moms having personality disorders and they just cannot fathom it, but I must tell you this is so helpful. Also, my mom too eventually was willing to try meds. She never stuck with therapy because "they are all crazy and I am fine!" As soon as she felt better on meds she went off.

Yes, with my mom too the false self is what she needs and she too has a very fragile and damaged ego. It's amazing to read so many accounts that resonate with me. Thank you.

My therapist kept throwing out labels as I shared more tales of mom like Borderline, NPD and Bipolar and I was like "Noooooooo, she's not that bad." Then I would launch into a tale of mom hurling insult after insult at me and flying into a rage at something small. She's point out how out there it was and gently mention the diagnoses and I'd say "nooooooo, not mom." Then I'd launch into how my mom told me my father would never accept me if I didn't go to an top college. (He never said this to me directly). Even after doing my best to meet all her requirements/conditions to be loved, the "love" was fleeting and over and over she still told what a disappointment I am. Over and over I defended her in therapy and blamed myself for somehow mis-portraying things that happened. I felt like I needed my therapist to understand that I secretly deserved this treatment. My mom used to tell my dad exactly how she would like to strangle me. She threaten to suffocate him in his sleep with a pillow when she was angry with him. How did I ever consider this normal behavior and I *still* think I am to blame and if you had observed you would think the same. my mom is one sick puppy, but her mom was worse-except mom was the Golden child so she didn't have to endure anything that bad.