40 year old mom here and met a 56 year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 40 married to someone 9 years older. Sex is still fine, but I am not that attracted to him anymore. I am very active and in good shape and look younger than my age. If we end up divorcing I am definitely going younger.

And this is half the age gap OP is talking about (40 and 56). Take note OP

[Anonymous]

I have never been attracted to older men (I have, on the other hand, dated guys much younger than me).

So for me, it would be a definite no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hottest sex of my life was 39-42/55-58. Beyond belief, because of who he was and his effect on me, but the age difference somehow brought it out. Go for it but don’t become a caretaker.

You sound like my ex-gf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Interesting that the replies are so negative. I’ve never dated older, but I don’t have the same visceral, knee-jerk NO that almost every single PP has had.

NP. Yeah, there's a strong visceral fear on this site of becoming a caretaker to an older partner or husband. That assumes that the man is going to get sick/weak/whatever. Well, while statistically men tend to die before women etc. -- we don't know THIS individual man's family history, personal history or attitude toward his own health and fitness. He could be in great shape now and stay in good shape. It's really early for people to be projecting OP can't even date this man because she'll end up caretaking. Good grief.

Plus, most posts are assuming OP is husband-hunting so should avoid a man this much older that she is. OP, if it's just dating at this point, why not date him? Don't let posters here who are leaping ahead past your future wedding (!) stop you from simply going on dates.

And if he's a fantastic person and you fall in love with each other, well, to be frank, that can trump even illness and other issues in the future. DCUM looks at things very transactionally at times -- "You'll be a caretaker, you don't want to spend your years doing that!" as if love between the partners doesn't factor into anything. I'm NOT saying you're lining up to fall in love, marry, and be a caretaker here; I'm still in the "just date him and enjoy it" camp. But if you were to end up as a couple, relish that. You're individuals, not DCUM stereotypes of 40-something mom wanting a husband and older guy wanting a caretaker.

The DCUM caretaker trope. In my family, out of 12 male relatives including uncles, grandfathers, and my father, only one needed long term care. The rest went from healthy, to a hospital bed, to dead in a few days. Average age of those men at death: 89. One lived to 95.

My mom's husband is 89, he routinely chainsaws down trees, climbs on the roof, and when we go hiking he's faster and can go farther than me, and I'm over 30 years younger. He's already buried two wives, one of them was considerably younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Interesting that the replies are so negative. I’ve never dated older, but I don’t have the same visceral, knee-jerk NO that almost every single PP has had.

NP. Yeah, there's a strong visceral fear on this site of becoming a caretaker to an older partner or husband. That assumes that the man is going to get sick/weak/whatever. Well, while statistically men tend to die before women etc. -- we don't know THIS individual man's family history, personal history or attitude toward his own health and fitness. He could be in great shape now and stay in good shape. It's really early for people to be projecting OP can't even date this man because she'll end up caretaking. Good grief.

Plus, most posts are assuming OP is husband-hunting so should avoid a man this much older that she is. OP, if it's just dating at this point, why not date him? Don't let posters here who are leaping ahead past your future wedding (!) stop you from simply going on dates.

And if he's a fantastic person and you fall in love with each other, well, to be frank, that can trump even illness and other issues in the future. DCUM looks at things very transactionally at times -- "You'll be a caretaker, you don't want to spend your years doing that!" as if love between the partners doesn't factor into anything. I'm NOT saying you're lining up to fall in love, marry, and be a caretaker here; I'm still in the "just date him and enjoy it" camp. But if you were to end up as a couple, relish that. You're individuals, not DCUM stereotypes of 40-something mom wanting a husband and older guy wanting a caretaker.

The DCUM caretaker trope. In my family, out of 12 male relatives including uncles, grandfathers, and my father, only one needed long term care. The rest went from healthy, to a hospital bed, to dead in a few days. Average age of those men at death: 89. One lived to 95.

My mom's husband is 89, he routinely chainsaws down trees, climbs on the roof, and when we go hiking he's faster and can go farther than me, and I'm over 30 years younger. He's already buried two wives, one of them was considerably younger.

DCUM ancedote trope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Interesting that the replies are so negative. I’ve never dated older, but I don’t have the same visceral, knee-jerk NO that almost every single PP has had.

NP. Yeah, there's a strong visceral fear on this site of becoming a caretaker to an older partner or husband. That assumes that the man is going to get sick/weak/whatever. Well, while statistically men tend to die before women etc. -- we don't know THIS individual man's family history, personal history or attitude toward his own health and fitness. He could be in great shape now and stay in good shape. It's really early for people to be projecting OP can't even date this man because she'll end up caretaking. Good grief.

Plus, most posts are assuming OP is husband-hunting so should avoid a man this much older that she is. OP, if it's just dating at this point, why not date him? Don't let posters here who are leaping ahead past your future wedding (!) stop you from simply going on dates.

And if he's a fantastic person and you fall in love with each other, well, to be frank, that can trump even illness and other issues in the future. DCUM looks at things very transactionally at times -- "You'll be a caretaker, you don't want to spend your years doing that!" as if love between the partners doesn't factor into anything. I'm NOT saying you're lining up to fall in love, marry, and be a caretaker here; I'm still in the "just date him and enjoy it" camp. But if you were to end up as a couple, relish that. You're individuals, not DCUM stereotypes of 40-something mom wanting a husband and older guy wanting a caretaker.

The DCUM caretaker trope. In my family, out of 12 male relatives including uncles, grandfathers, and my father, only one needed long term care. The rest went from healthy, to a hospital bed, to dead in a few days. Average age of those men at death: 89. One lived to 95.

My mom's husband is 89, he routinely chainsaws down trees, climbs on the roof, and when we go hiking he's faster and can go farther than me, and I'm over 30 years younger. He's already buried two wives, one of them was considerably younger.

Unfortunately, most people don’t drop dead rather suddenly. We all wish we did..

Most people have a slow decline over several years and toward the last years require significant care. OR they get a terrible illness which hastens things, but not enough. They end up suffering for years while someone cares for them and eventually get help from hospice. Even terrible aggressive cancers can take 18+ months to actually kill you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

44yo man and it is so easy to date in the 22-26 range the past few years I'm surprised by the reaction as well.

That must be because women closer in age to you are completely grossed out by you wanting to date women who have just graduated from college and are the same age as their kids while you have been working for 20 years. Why did you never grow up?

I would date them but too many in the 38-42 range still are hoping to have kids. That is not in the mind at all of a woman who is 23.

Nor is it in their mind that they want you.

DP - may be very difficult for you to comprehend but there are plenty of younger women who want to have their fun with older guys. you can keep telling yourself what you want to hear/believe, but there are facts that are plain to see.

During my post-divorce single days (about a decade ago) I had younger women (good 10-15 years younger than me) approach/flirt with/hit on me. Sure it was an ego boost but I wasn't particularly interested as I was focused on women around my age. But it wasn't difficult to go that route if I wanted.

I did date several men who were significantly older. Believe me, it was only for money, I did not want them or really even like them. I’m embarrassed when I reflect back and never, ever tell people about this who don’t know. You are a fool, these women do not want you!

well, there is a reason I didn't date any of them, so let's hold back from casting silly aspersions. the problem with any of these posts is that it quickly turns into a rash of nasty responses. The motivation is not the issue - guys want to get laid, younger women want to be have a sugar daddy. if those two things align, why does anyone care?

Your own story is a case in point. You may feel that you used the older guys, but don't kid yourself for one second that they didn't use you as well.

Nope, never gave it up to either.

Why would anyone continue to date someone who doesn’t want to have sex with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 46 and wouldn't date someone that old. My boyfriend is 40.

+1

I am 44; my boyfriend is 38.

-1

Ew, as a guy, dating older women is gross. Sorry.

To each his own. A lot of men really like it. I dated a 30 year old when I was 42. We had a great time together. I thought the age difference was too big for things to get serious (I'd feel the same way if I was dating a man that much older than me), but every woman he's dated since me has also been older, and now he's engaged to a woman about eight years his senior. It seems to be more and more common, and not just for sex, which tends to be the assumption.

[Anonymous]

I’m 60 and no way would I date a 76 year old. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 60 and no way would I date a 76 year old. Gross.

Uhh, I'm 34 and I'm pretty sure there is no difference between a 60 year old and a 76 year old.

That's because you're 34. You'll get a clue later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 60 and no way would I date a 76 year old. Gross.

Uhh, I'm 34 and I'm pretty sure there is no difference between a 60 year old and a 76 year old.

That's because you're 34. You'll get a clue later.

I kind of thought the same thing, but your reply sold me back to the post sold me. I see your point now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Interesting that the replies are so negative. I’ve never dated older, but I don’t have the same visceral, knee-jerk NO that almost every single PP has had.

NP. Yeah, there's a strong visceral fear on this site of becoming a caretaker to an older partner or husband. That assumes that the man is going to get sick/weak/whatever. Well, while statistically men tend to die before women etc. -- we don't know THIS individual man's family history, personal history or attitude toward his own health and fitness. He could be in great shape now and stay in good shape. It's really early for people to be projecting OP can't even date this man because she'll end up caretaking. Good grief.

Plus, most posts are assuming OP is husband-hunting so should avoid a man this much older that she is. OP, if it's just dating at this point, why not date him? Don't let posters here who are leaping ahead past your future wedding (!) stop you from simply going on dates.

And if he's a fantastic person and you fall in love with each other, well, to be frank, that can trump even illness and other issues in the future. DCUM looks at things very transactionally at times -- "You'll be a caretaker, you don't want to spend your years doing that!" as if love between the partners doesn't factor into anything. I'm NOT saying you're lining up to fall in love, marry, and be a caretaker here; I'm still in the "just date him and enjoy it" camp. But if you were to end up as a couple, relish that. You're individuals, not DCUM stereotypes of 40-something mom wanting a husband and older guy wanting a caretaker.

The DCUM caretaker trope. In my family, out of 12 male relatives including uncles, grandfathers, and my father, only one needed long term care. The rest went from healthy, to a hospital bed, to dead in a few days. Average age of those men at death: 89. One lived to 95.

My mom's husband is 89, he routinely chainsaws down trees, climbs on the roof, and when we go hiking he's faster and can go farther than me, and I'm over 30 years younger. He's already buried two wives, one of them was considerably younger.

Unfortunately, most people don’t drop dead rather suddenly. We all wish we did..

Most people have a slow decline over several years and toward the last years require significant care. OR they get a terrible illness which hastens things, but not enough. They end up suffering for years while someone cares for them and eventually get help from hospice. Even terrible aggressive cancers can take 18+ months to actually kill you

The data doesn't support your statement. At least not for men. Have you ever visited a nursing home? There are a dozen women for every man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Interesting that the replies are so negative. I’ve never dated older, but I don’t have the same visceral, knee-jerk NO that almost every single PP has had.

NP. Yeah, there's a strong visceral fear on this site of becoming a caretaker to an older partner or husband. That assumes that the man is going to get sick/weak/whatever. Well, while statistically men tend to die before women etc. -- we don't know THIS individual man's family history, personal history or attitude toward his own health and fitness. He could be in great shape now and stay in good shape. It's really early for people to be projecting OP can't even date this man because she'll end up caretaking. Good grief.

Plus, most posts are assuming OP is husband-hunting so should avoid a man this much older that she is. OP, if it's just dating at this point, why not date him? Don't let posters here who are leaping ahead past your future wedding (!) stop you from simply going on dates.

And if he's a fantastic person and you fall in love with each other, well, to be frank, that can trump even illness and other issues in the future. DCUM looks at things very transactionally at times -- "You'll be a caretaker, you don't want to spend your years doing that!" as if love between the partners doesn't factor into anything. I'm NOT saying you're lining up to fall in love, marry, and be a caretaker here; I'm still in the "just date him and enjoy it" camp. But if you were to end up as a couple, relish that. You're individuals, not DCUM stereotypes of 40-something mom wanting a husband and older guy wanting a caretaker.

The DCUM caretaker trope. In my family, out of 12 male relatives including uncles, grandfathers, and my father, only one needed long term care. The rest went from healthy, to a hospital bed, to dead in a few days. Average age of those men at death: 89. One lived to 95.

My mom's husband is 89, he routinely chainsaws down trees, climbs on the roof, and when we go hiking he's faster and can go farther than me, and I'm over 30 years younger. He's already buried two wives, one of them was considerably younger.

Unfortunately, most people don’t drop dead rather suddenly. We all wish we did..

Most people have a slow decline over several years and toward the last years require significant care. OR they get a terrible illness which hastens things, but not enough. They end up suffering for years while someone cares for them and eventually get help from hospice. Even terrible aggressive cancers can take 18+ months to actually kill you

The data doesn't support your statement. At least not for men. Have you ever visited a nursing home? There are a dozen women for every man.

Because women live longer. Men go through that slow decline with their wives to take care of them. Then when it's their turn, women go to nursing homes.
Or did you think that they have the same life expectancy and men just drop dead while women languish?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would say dating and marrying someone sixteen years older can be wonderful. My MIL and FIL have a big age spread, and my BIL and his husband have an even larger one. Both sets have been together for many, many decades. It helps if the older one takes excellent care of his health and exercises all the time (in the couples I mentioned, the older ones work out daily). So far the younger ones haven't become caretakers but they do have nurturing personalities and do a lot of the home and financial management.

The one areas I've seen where the age spread does become a problem is when people are at different stages of life regarding retirement and what to do with their leisure time. If your older spouse wants to keep working or finds ways to be engaged in the world and leave the house on a daily basis, it will be fine. But if they retire 16 years before you and spend most of their time at home waiting for your return, it's rough. Also rough when the older person no longer wants to travel and expects the younger to just stay housebound. I'm seeing it happen with my ILs and it's difficult. She's been traveling solo for about five years but he has become increasingly afraid of the world as he has gotten older (he's willing to do some trips, thankfully).

If your relationship progresses and you talk about marriage, talk to him about how he envisions retirement and travel in his old age. If he has money for care taking and a nice retirement, you should be ok in that regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would be too much of an age gap for me. Of course it depends on the person but 40 to me is still prime of your life and 56 is starting to get into old age territory. Just my perception

No offense PP, but I am fifty-two & do not consider the age of forty to be at the prime of your life.

I think my prime years were likely 29-35 but that is just my opinion.

OP, I would consider dating this guy however due to his age there may be certain issues that you may have to deal with that a younger man may not be dealing with yet.

*cough cough*

Hint: 🥀