40 year old mom here and met a 56 year old

[Anonymous]

I have a bit of a different perspective. I'm older 53 and my husband will turn 56 in a few weeks. You wouldn't know that my husband is 56 except that his beard is all gray, his hair is still the same dirty blond it has always been and he doesn't really have the middle age spread. (He isn't ripped either, just a normal body with a little extra around the middle) Not to get too graphic but he still gets morning wood every day and wants sex every night. (me, OTOH, has had her libido fall off a cliff, a sad story for another time) My husband works out 4-5 days a week and takes care of himself. It isn't a guarantee but it is helpful. No we don't have the age difference you are talking about so I understand it is a concern, but I don't think it should be the be all, end all.

Look at how this guy lives his life. Is he active? What are his hobbies? For example, my husband skis, runs, bikes. We walk over driving because we live in the city.

My mother died at 34 from cancer. I have two younger step sisters, one is waiting for a lung transplant. (issues started out of the blue 2 years ago) and the other's husband was just diagnosed with a rare cancer.

Life is a crap shoot. If you like this guy, see where it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Interesting that the replies are so negative. I’ve never dated older, but I don’t have the same visceral, knee-jerk NO that almost every single PP has had.

I've noticed this on DCUM. There are a few topics that come up that trigger on immediate intense reaction, because posters are not worried about appearing discriminatory. Age difference in dating or marriage is one of them. Not pushing one's child academically too early is another (no to Tiger parenting!). There's a set of communal beliefs here in the educated affluent woke set . For the age difference thing, I think it's because most posters are working women who believe their independence and success depends on having a partner of similar age and profile. I'm sure a lot of them would also not be comfortable marrying outside their culture/religion/language/HHI etc, but since that's not as PC, it's not said as much.

I am WAY outside the norm on so many of these things. Tiger parent here who married someone of a very different culture and age

[Anonymous]

One of the best couples I know has a 25 year age gap. The woman is older! They are just so balanced and perfect together. She'd already had kids, they are just a little younger than he is, and he didn't want any children. He pursued her for a year, because she said no consistently because of the age gap. She's retired, and he is in the prime of his career and for some reason it just works! They are really so well matched.

So, with that couple in mind, I'd say yes it can totally work. Anyone brings downsides. We are all in "danger" becoming caretakers any day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hottest sex of my life was 39-42/55-58. Beyond belief, because of who he was and his effect on me, but the age difference somehow brought it out. Go for it but don’t become a caretaker.

DP here. Pay attention to this post. Are you feeling like this guy’s older age is having a strong effect on you? He’s practically old enough to be your father. Take into consideration WHY the guy’s age is “intimidating” and has an effect on you, and whether that could lead to an emotional power imbalance if your attraction to this guy relates to latent unmet needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the best couples I know has a 25 year age gap. The woman is older! They are just so balanced and perfect together. She'd already had kids, they are just a little younger than he is, and he didn't want any children. He pursued her for a year, because she said no consistently because of the age gap. She's retired, and he is in the prime of his career and for some reason it just works! They are really so well matched.

So, with that couple in mind, I'd say yes it can totally work. Anyone brings downsides. We are all in "danger" becoming caretakers any day.

I also know a couple with a 24 years age gap and they were happily married for 16 years. He was widowed; it was her first marriage (in her 40s) and they had no kids together. He refused to leave her everything in his will and had designated some for his kids; she expected it all bc she was his wife. While they were married she insisted they buy each of his kids a house. Anyway his kids won and she left him when he was in his 80s. I guess his kids get to take care of him in his old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Interesting that the replies are so negative. I’ve never dated older, but I don’t have the same visceral, knee-jerk NO that almost every single PP has had.

NP. Yeah, there's a strong visceral fear on this site of becoming a caretaker to an older partner or husband. That assumes that the man is going to get sick/weak/whatever. Well, while statistically men tend to die before women etc. -- we don't know THIS individual man's family history, personal history or attitude toward his own health and fitness. He could be in great shape now and stay in good shape. It's really early for people to be projecting OP can't even date this man because she'll end up caretaking. Good grief.

Plus, most posts are assuming OP is husband-hunting so should avoid a man this much older that she is. OP, if it's just dating at this point, why not date him? Don't let posters here who are leaping ahead past your future wedding (!) stop you from simply going on dates.

And if he's a fantastic person and you fall in love with each other, well, to be frank, that can trump even illness and other issues in the future. DCUM looks at things very transactionally at times -- "You'll be a caretaker, you don't want to spend your years doing that!" as if love between the partners doesn't factor into anything. I'm NOT saying you're lining up to fall in love, marry, and be a caretaker here; I'm still in the "just date him and enjoy it" camp. But if you were to end up as a couple, relish that. You're individuals, not DCUM stereotypes of 40-something mom wanting a husband and older guy wanting a caretaker.

Are you 18 that you don't think about the realities of life, the future and retirement? No mature adult should go into a relationship blind with rose colored glasses on.

[Anonymous]

44yo man and it is so easy to date in the 22-26 range the past few years I'm surprised by the reaction as well.

That must be because women closer in age to you are completely grossed out by you wanting to date women who have just graduated from college and are the same age as their kids while you have been working for 20 years. Why did you never grow up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a bit of a different perspective. I'm older 53 and my husband will turn 56 in a few weeks. You wouldn't know that my husband is 56 except that his beard is all gray, his hair is still the same dirty blond it has always been and he doesn't really have the middle age spread. (He isn't ripped either, just a normal body with a little extra around the middle) Not to get too graphic but he still gets morning wood every day and wants sex every night. (me, OTOH, has had her libido fall off a cliff, a sad story for another time) My husband works out 4-5 days a week and takes care of himself. It isn't a guarantee but it is helpful. No we don't have the age difference you are talking about so I understand it is a concern, but I don't think it should be the be all, end all.

Look at how this guy lives his life. Is he active? What are his hobbies? For example, my husband skis, runs, bikes. We walk over driving because we live in the city.

My mother died at 34 from cancer. I have two younger step sisters, one is waiting for a lung transplant. (issues started out of the blue 2 years ago) and the other's husband was just diagnosed with a rare cancer.

Life is a crap shoot. If you like this guy, see where it goes.

This is key. 54, DH here no pills needed and don't think they ever will be. Wife on other hand at 51 has had libido decline during pre-menopause. OP, Maybe 16 years difference is perfect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a bit of a different perspective. I'm older 53 and my husband will turn 56 in a few weeks. You wouldn't know that my husband is 56 except that his beard is all gray, his hair is still the same dirty blond it has always been and he doesn't really have the middle age spread. (He isn't ripped either, just a normal body with a little extra around the middle) Not to get too graphic but he still gets morning wood every day and wants sex every night. (me, OTOH, has had her libido fall off a cliff, a sad story for another time) My husband works out 4-5 days a week and takes care of himself. It isn't a guarantee but it is helpful. No we don't have the age difference you are talking about so I understand it is a concern, but I don't think it should be the be all, end all.

Look at how this guy lives his life. Is he active? What are his hobbies? For example, my husband skis, runs, bikes. We walk over driving because we live in the city.

My mother died at 34 from cancer. I have two younger step sisters, one is waiting for a lung transplant. (issues started out of the blue 2 years ago) and the other's husband was just diagnosed with a rare cancer.

Life is a crap shoot. If you like this guy, see where it goes.

My DH is 57; I'm 52. Most people are shocked to find out that he is in his late 50s because he seems much younger. He skis, too, and works out for an hour almost every day. But, 56 is very different from 66 and 76.

Sure, OP can date the guy now, but if OP is looking for something long term, she needs to think about what it would be like when she's 50 and he is 66, and 60 and 76.

The guy would be retirement age for more than a decade before OP is even there. Already, our age gap is becoming noticeable as DH hits closer to 59.5 and wants to retire ealry. But, since I'm only a few years younger, we will have to deal with the difference in life stage for a few years, whereas OP would have 10+ yrs to deal with it.

Of course, everyone is different, and YMMV. My parents are in their 80s, and my dad is 7 years older than my mom, yet it's my mom's health that is failing before my dad's. I'm convinced my dad will outlive all of us, but he is not the norm. Statistically, men die earlier than women.

If OP is just looking for *right now* and not a LTR, then sure, go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Interesting that the replies are so negative. I’ve never dated older, but I don’t have the same visceral, knee-jerk NO that almost every single PP has had.

I've noticed this on DCUM. There are a few topics that come up that trigger on immediate intense reaction, because posters are not worried about appearing discriminatory. Age difference in dating or marriage is one of them. Not pushing one's child academically too early is another (no to Tiger parenting!). There's a set of communal beliefs here in the educated affluent woke set . For the age difference thing, I think it's because most posters are working women who believe their independence and success depends on having a partner of similar age and profile. I'm sure a lot of them would also not be comfortable marrying outside their culture/religion/language/HHI etc, but since that's not as PC, it's not said as much.

I am WAY outside the norm on so many of these things. Tiger parent here who married someone of a very different culture and age

Me too! Tiger mom. DH is 14 years older. He’s still active and attractive and we have no problem with intimacy, but I’m not sure how things will go in the future, and I’m resigned to taking things day by day, year by year. If OP’s 56 yo has adult children, I’d recommend avoiding commitment or marriage and just enjoy it until it’s no longer enjoyable, which is almost inevitable in that situation.

[Anonymous]

I personally consider that to be too much of an age gap, but what do you have to lose? Go on a date with him and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a bit of a different perspective. I'm older 53 and my husband will turn 56 in a few weeks. You wouldn't know that my husband is 56 except that his beard is all gray, his hair is still the same dirty blond it has always been and he doesn't really have the middle age spread. (He isn't ripped either, just a normal body with a little extra around the middle) Not to get too graphic but he still gets morning wood every day and wants sex every night. (me, OTOH, has had her libido fall off a cliff, a sad story for another time) My husband works out 4-5 days a week and takes care of himself. It isn't a guarantee but it is helpful. No we don't have the age difference you are talking about so I understand it is a concern, but I don't think it should be the be all, end all.

Look at how this guy lives his life. Is he active? What are his hobbies? For example, my husband skis, runs, bikes. We walk over driving because we live in the city.

My mother died at 34 from cancer. I have two younger step sisters, one is waiting for a lung transplant. (issues started out of the blue 2 years ago) and the other's husband was just diagnosed with a rare cancer.

Life is a crap shoot. If you like this guy, see where it goes.

I'm sorry about your libido, but the grammar here is just so atrocious. "Me has had her libido fall off a cliff?" And why the third person suddenly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bit of a different perspective. I'm older 53 and my husband will turn 56 in a few weeks. You wouldn't know that my husband is 56 except that his beard is all gray, his hair is still the same dirty blond it has always been and he doesn't really have the middle age spread. (He isn't ripped either, just a normal body with a little extra around the middle) Not to get too graphic but he still gets morning wood every day and wants sex every night. (me, OTOH, has had her libido fall off a cliff, a sad story for another time) My husband works out 4-5 days a week and takes care of himself. It isn't a guarantee but it is helpful. No we don't have the age difference you are talking about so I understand it is a concern, but I don't think it should be the be all, end all.

Look at how this guy lives his life. Is he active? What are his hobbies? For example, my husband skis, runs, bikes. We walk over driving because we live in the city.

My mother died at 34 from cancer. I have two younger step sisters, one is waiting for a lung transplant. (issues started out of the blue 2 years ago) and the other's husband was just diagnosed with a rare cancer.

Life is a crap shoot. If you like this guy, see where it goes.

This is key. 54, DH here no pills needed and don't think they ever will be. Wife on other hand at 51 has had libido decline during pre-menopause. OP, Maybe 16 years difference is perfect?

Ancecdotal data is just that. My DH 57 also doesn't need a blue pill, but that's not most men's experience.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/14634411/

But sure, if OP is not interested in sex much, then it might be a good fit sexually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the best couples I know has a 25 year age gap. The woman is older! They are just so balanced and perfect together. She'd already had kids, they are just a little younger than he is, and he didn't want any children. He pursued her for a year, because she said no consistently because of the age gap. She's retired, and he is in the prime of his career and for some reason it just works! They are really so well matched.

So, with that couple in mind, I'd say yes it can totally work. Anyone brings downsides. We are all in "danger" becoming caretakers any day.

I also know a couple with a 24 years age gap and they were happily married for 16 years. He was widowed; it was her first marriage (in her 40s) and they had no kids together. He refused to leave her everything in his will and had designated some for his kids; she expected it all bc she was his wife. While they were married she insisted they buy each of his kids a house. Anyway his kids won and she left him when he was in his 80s. I guess his kids get to take care of him in his old age.

That's a weird way to write it. His take seems completely appropriate and this woman sounds like a mess. But I guess it's good she can afford to live on her own in her 60s.

[Anonymous]

My partner is 13 years older than me. He happens to be a healthy and wonderful person. I love him so much, and he loves me. We are both divorced and together as we are able, given other obligations. Don’t worry about the age- you can ruin a wonderful thing by agonizing over something that will have an unknown impact on your relationship in the long term. I’d rather have a healthy, kind, loving, compatible but older partner than a younger one I don’t like as much/not good chemistry, or someone with mental health issues (ugh AVOID). Age is a case by case issue. If you love him, you will want to love/support him, however that manifests for you. Some of these grouchy responders say they don’t want to be caregivers- ok, fine. You do what feels right to you. If you prefer someone closer to your age, don’t fall in love with this old fogey. Plenty of other people out there… best wishes.