How Involved Is Your Husband With Parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I’m a dad, I have always made all the kid decisions, it has never caused me any emotional stress at all.

That’s interesting. Are you also a ninja?

How does one remain detached and unemotional about decisions regarding their own children?

I don’t understand why there’s any need to get emotional about 99% of kid decisions. What day care they should attend, what summer camps they go to, where they have their birthday parties, what clothes to buy, why would I get emotional about any of that? Most of the decisions are no-brainers.

Give me an example of a kid decision that emotionally exhausted you, and why.

In general, I wouldn’t say that it’s by one decision. It’s making all of the decisions every day. Frankly, sometimes, just deciding what to make for dinner seems like too much. Scheduling pick ups/drop offs, kids books, games, and activities, what to do when school is cancelled for a day (or a year). I haven’t made dinner every night, but I have decided what our family of six will have for dinner every day for the last three thousand days. It would be nice to be able to push some things off onto someone else sometimes.

🤷‍♂️ I make all the decisions all the time. I make all the meals, too. It would be more stressful to try to get XW to do anything (and then I’d have to wonder if she actually did it) than to just do it all myself. It’s not s problem because I enjoy doing things for my kids.

I guess that you are just a superior human to myself .

You never should have divorced her, IMO. She sounds perfect for you. She lets you do everything and feel perfect all of the time. She probably took all of the blame for everything that went wrong in your marriage too. I’m guessing that this is part of the reason she doesn’t get to see your children.

[Anonymous]

My ex-husband was completely involved when my twins were babies. He would get up every single time I did to breastfeed. He'd go get the babies while I got adjusted, I'd feed them while he went back to sleep, and then he would wake back up, burp them, and put them back in bed. He'd cook for us about 1/4 of the time, feed them when they started solids, and did his part to clean around the house. He was in charge of diaper changes if he was home. Now that they are older, he takes them to their sports, takes them to school everyday, and he makes sure they keep up with their school work. He's an excellent dad.

[Anonymous]

My husband is the “primary parent” now- which is a new dynamic for us. He now works from home and has a way more flexible schedule. I leave at 7am and don’t get home until 5:30 or 6. I can’t do any non-work related tasks during the day so my husband takes care of all the forms, registrations, dr appts, etc. he arranges play dates and is the one who really knows the neighborhood kids.

I am the bread winner so this dynamic works but I will say that I have a lot of insecurity about it. I feel judged by other moms and I resent how much people praise my husband for doing tasks that I did for years. I know if he were a woman, no one would think he was a saint for juggling it all- that’s just an expectation.

I know that I am lucky to have such an invested co-parent and most importantly, my kids are super close with their dad. I wouldn’t necessarily change it but like everything, it has pros and cons.

[Anonymous]

It’s a long story, but when my kids were born, my dh was super hands on and involved. He literally could not have done much more for them. Over the years, he pulled back more and more. By the time the kids were out of the early elementary grades, dh provided all the financial support and I did all other aspects of parenting. I tried very hard, but couldn’t get him more involved.

The kids are in middle school now. He moved out 1 1/2 years ago. The kids have never spent a single night at his apartment. He moved his girlfriend in with him sometime last summer without telling me or the kids. The kids are still living in the marital home with me. He got a bed for one kid a couple months ago, but not for the other because the other wasn’t supportive of his relationship with his much younger girlfriend. He comes over and has dinner with the kids one night per week. I have told him many times that he’s welcome to see the kids anytime he wants. Occasionally he comes over for something else. He rarely calls or texts the kids. He is more involved in parenting now than he has been the last few years because he now drives one kid to school in the morning. He doesn’t know how to relate to the kids now that they’re older. He really only knows how to roughhouse with them. Only one kid has met his girlfriend.

I post this to say that parenting is a marathon and not a sprint. One’s level of hands on childcare in the first couple months of their baby’s life does not indicate what kind of parent they will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a long story, but when my kids were born, my dh was super hands on and involved. He literally could not have done much more for them. Over the years, he pulled back more and more. By the time the kids were out of the early elementary grades, dh provided all the financial support and I did all other aspects of parenting. I tried very hard, but couldn’t get him more involved.

Do you have any theories why he became less involved? Usually the early years are the most work and biggest adjustment so it’s interesting he jumped right in and then backed way off.

[Anonymous]

I guess that you are just a superior human to myself .

It is true that I am very superior. But this has nothing to do with my ability to schedule ordinary everyday stuff without getting “emotionally exhausted”. This is a mundane ability that every normal person should have. I don’t even know how you can do your day job without being able to schedule tasks and not fall apart emotionally.

So far the specific examples of emotional exhaustion have related to very sick kids. Fair enough. But there are many more general complaints along the lines of “I do everything and my husband does nothing” and I still don’t understand why this should be so emotionally exhausting.

You never should have divorced her, IMO. She sounds perfect for you. She lets you do everything and feel perfect all of the time. She probably took all of the blame for everything that went wrong in your marriage too. I’m guessing that this is part of the reason she doesn’t get to see your children.

Rest assured that I did not and do not “feel perfect” because I do everything. I don’t have any feelings at all about it - that’s why I don’t get “emotionally exhausted” and don’t understand those who do. I see what needs to be done, I do it. No reason to pat yourself on the back for having a basic life skill.

Also rest assured that as she is a woman, she attributes 100% of the marriage failure to me and none to herself. I know what I did wrong, and I regret it.

She does see the children. I get the strong feeling that her custody time is “everyone sits there poking at their screens”. Nothing I can do about it, though, other than make sure I actively engage with the kids when they’re with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a long story, but when my kids were born, my dh was super hands on and involved. He literally could not have done much more for them. Over the years, he pulled back more and more. By the time the kids were out of the early elementary grades, dh provided all the financial support and I did all other aspects of parenting. I tried very hard, but couldn’t get him more involved.

Do you have any theories why he became less involved? Usually the early years are the most work and biggest adjustment so it’s interesting he jumped right in and then backed way off.

DP but I wonder if it's because "being involved" with elementary schoolers tends to entail stupid superficial tasks that men often (rightly) see as pointless. Like PTA, constant swim/dance/soccer practice (exercise and healthy competitiveness is great but why take it so seriously before high school/college?), decorating teacher cards for the holidays, play dates...etc. Moms tend to be harried and nitpicky about these things but dads don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I guess that you are just a superior human to myself .

It is true that I am very superior. But this has nothing to do with my ability to schedule ordinary everyday stuff without getting “emotionally exhausted”. This is a mundane ability that every normal person should have. I don’t even know how you can do your day job without being able to schedule tasks and not fall apart emotionally.

So far the specific examples of emotional exhaustion have related to very sick kids. Fair enough. But there are many more general complaints along the lines of “I do everything and my husband does nothing” and I still don’t understand why this should be so emotionally exhausting.

You never should have divorced her, IMO. She sounds perfect for you. She lets you do everything and feel perfect all of the time. She probably took all of the blame for everything that went wrong in your marriage too. I’m guessing that this is part of the reason she doesn’t get to see your children.

Rest assured that I did not and do not “feel perfect” because I do everything. I don’t have any feelings at all about it - that’s why I don’t get “emotionally exhausted” and don’t understand those who do. I see what needs to be done, I do it. No reason to pat yourself on the back for having a basic life skill.

Also rest assured that as she is a woman, she attributes 100% of the marriage failure to me and none to herself. I know what I did wrong, and I regret it.

She does see the children. I get the strong feeling that her custody time is “everyone sits there poking at their screens”. Nothing I can do about it, though, other than make sure I actively engage with the kids when they’re with me.

I didn’t say that I was falling apart, only that I have emotions about my kids, and it can be exhausting not to have a spouse to share them with. Sometimes those feelings are feelings of joy or excitement or surprise.

I work as sn ER doc, and I experience emotions at work as well, but I generally set them aside. You’re right that I couldn’t handle it if I felt every emotion that the situation called for.

I don’t know why you are acting like you are in the ER and have to set emotion aside during the every day lives of your children. The only emotions you seem to experience are anger at your ex-wife and some vague guilt about the divorce. Maybe your fear of being exhausted or being seen as weak is an issue?
You should try being a little more vulnerable with your kids. Yes. It is exhausting. But kids are worth it.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t say that I was falling apart, only that I have emotions about my kids, and it can be exhausting not to have a spouse to share them with. Sometimes those feelings are feelings of joy or excitement or surprise.

I have lots of emotions about my kids. Just not about scheduling everyday stuff for them.

I don’t know why you are acting like you are in the ER and have to set emotion aside during the every day lives of your children.

Scheduling everyday stuff for kids is not at all like being an ER doc. Thank God! It's never a life-or-death decision. If I drop the ball and forget to schedule the summer tennis lessons, oh well, my bad, but ultimately that's no big deal. It's because these decisions are relatively unimportant in the grand scheme of things that I don't have strong emotions that I need to set aside or that exhaust me. It's also why I find it hard to understand people who do get exhausted about them.

On the few occasions when I've had to make serious medical decisions for my kids, I was not really anxious about the decision itself (often as not, it was just "do what the doc recommends") but was of course anxious that the procedure go well and the child make a full recovery.

The only emotions you seem to experience are anger at your ex-wife and some vague guilt about the divorce. Maybe your fear of being exhausted or being seen as weak is an issue?

(sigh) Whenever a man says anything that can be interpreted as critical of women, women accuse him of being "angry". No. I am not angry at her, even though she can't be relied on to schedule their activities or important appointments, and nothing happens unless I do it. Mostly this is because I know she is mentally ill, which is not her fault. Despite her illness, which likely made divorce inevitable no matter what I did, I know I was an imperfect husband. Yes, I do feel guilty that I didn't address my own issues during the marriage, and in that respect I failed myself, her, and my kids. During the lead-up to the divorce, I felt a great deal of stress and anxiety, mostly about how it would affect the kids. So you see, I am not an emotionless robot - and I got therapy to help me through it.

You should try being a little more vulnerable with your kids. Yes. It is exhausting. But kids are worth it.

Sorry, have to disagree. Kids expect their father to be a rock. If he displays weakness, it amplifies their fears and insecurities. They are looking at you, and if they see that daddy is calm, they think everything will be ok. Frankly, women are the same way. Whatever they may say about wanting men to show emotion and be vulnerable, in reality they want you to be unruffled and calm, especially in the face of adversity. A man has to keep his anxieties to himself, or pay a therapist to listen to them. Nobody else wants to hear it, least of all his woman and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I didn’t say that I was falling apart, only that I have emotions about my kids, and it can be exhausting not to have a spouse to share them with. Sometimes those feelings are feelings of joy or excitement or surprise.

I have lots of emotions about my kids. Just not about scheduling everyday stuff for them.

I don’t know why you are acting like you are in the ER and have to set emotion aside during the every day lives of your children.

Scheduling everyday stuff for kids is not at all like being an ER doc. Thank God! It's never a life-or-death decision. If I drop the ball and forget to schedule the summer tennis lessons, oh well, my bad, but ultimately that's no big deal. It's because these decisions are relatively unimportant in the grand scheme of things that I don't have strong emotions that I need to set aside or that exhaust me. It's also why I find it hard to understand people who do get exhausted about them.

On the few occasions when I've had to make serious medical decisions for my kids, I was not really anxious about the decision itself (often as not, it was just "do what the doc recommends") but was of course anxious that the procedure go well and the child make a full recovery.

The only emotions you seem to experience are anger at your ex-wife and some vague guilt about the divorce. Maybe your fear of being exhausted or being seen as weak is an issue?

(sigh) Whenever a man says anything that can be interpreted as critical of women, women accuse him of being "angry". No. I am not angry at her, even though she can't be relied on to schedule their activities or important appointments, and nothing happens unless I do it. Mostly this is because I know she is mentally ill, which is not her fault. Despite her illness, which likely made divorce inevitable no matter what I did, I know I was an imperfect husband. Yes, I do feel guilty that I didn't address my own issues during the marriage, and in that respect I failed myself, her, and my kids. During the lead-up to the divorce, I felt a great deal of stress and anxiety, mostly about how it would affect the kids. So you see, I am not an emotionless robot - and I got therapy to help me through it.

You should try being a little more vulnerable with your kids. Yes. It is exhausting. But kids are worth it.

Sorry, have to disagree. Kids expect their father to be a rock. If he displays weakness, it amplifies their fears and insecurities. They are looking at you, and if they see that daddy is calm, they think everything will be ok. Frankly, women are the same way. Whatever they may say about wanting men to show emotion and be vulnerable, in reality they want you to be unruffled and calm, especially in the face of adversity. A man has to keep his anxieties to himself, or pay a therapist to listen to them. Nobody else wants to hear it, least of all his woman and children.

That is BS and perpetuates toxic masculinity. It is possible to demonstrate negative emotions and how to handle them appropriately without scaring your kids or making them feel responsible. If kids never see fathers work though negative emotions, they will bury their own emotions and need therapy. That said, packing lunches and scheduling camps or dentist appointments should not come with a lot of strong emotions. If any parent is that fragile, something else is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn’t say that I was falling apart, only that I have emotions about my kids, and it can be exhausting not to have a spouse to share them with. Sometimes those feelings are feelings of joy or excitement or surprise.

I have lots of emotions about my kids. Just not about scheduling everyday stuff for them.

I don’t know why you are acting like you are in the ER and have to set emotion aside during the every day lives of your children.

Scheduling everyday stuff for kids is not at all like being an ER doc. Thank God! It's never a life-or-death decision. If I drop the ball and forget to schedule the summer tennis lessons, oh well, my bad, but ultimately that's no big deal. It's because these decisions are relatively unimportant in the grand scheme of things that I don't have strong emotions that I need to set aside or that exhaust me. It's also why I find it hard to understand people who do get exhausted about them.

On the few occasions when I've had to make serious medical decisions for my kids, I was not really anxious about the decision itself (often as not, it was just "do what the doc recommends") but was of course anxious that the procedure go well and the child make a full recovery.

The only emotions you seem to experience are anger at your ex-wife and some vague guilt about the divorce. Maybe your fear of being exhausted or being seen as weak is an issue?

(sigh) Whenever a man says anything that can be interpreted as critical of women, women accuse him of being "angry". No. I am not angry at her, even though she can't be relied on to schedule their activities or important appointments, and nothing happens unless I do it. Mostly this is because I know she is mentally ill, which is not her fault. Despite her illness, which likely made divorce inevitable no matter what I did, I know I was an imperfect husband. Yes, I do feel guilty that I didn't address my own issues during the marriage, and in that respect I failed myself, her, and my kids. During the lead-up to the divorce, I felt a great deal of stress and anxiety, mostly about how it would affect the kids. So you see, I am not an emotionless robot - and I got therapy to help me through it.

You should try being a little more vulnerable with your kids. Yes. It is exhausting. But kids are worth it.

Sorry, have to disagree. Kids expect their father to be a rock. If he displays weakness, it amplifies their fears and insecurities. They are looking at you, and if they see that daddy is calm, they think everything will be ok. Frankly, women are the same way. Whatever they may say about wanting men to show emotion and be vulnerable, in reality they want you to be unruffled and calm, especially in the face of adversity. A man has to keep his anxieties to himself, or pay a therapist to listen to them. Nobody else wants to hear it, least of all his woman and children.

That is BS and perpetuates toxic masculinity. It is possible to demonstrate negative emotions and how to handle them appropriately without scaring your kids or making them feel responsible. If kids never see fathers work though negative emotions, they will bury their own emotions and need therapy. That said, packing lunches and scheduling camps or dentist appointments should not come with a lot of strong emotions. If any parent is that fragile, something else is going on.

Yeah...I definitely want to know my husbands emotions. His emotional health matters to me as much as my own because it impacts the health of our entire family.

And, packing lunches isn't emotionally exhausting, but it can be tiring (physically tiring...surely y'all have simply gotten tired of doing certain things) when I'm the only one watching the pantry supply and trying to make sure we have enough of everything to go around - and then of course the kid uses lunch snacks for after school snacks which requires either going hungry at lunch a few days or a last minute store run. And, my kid has SN so no, he cannot simply eat the school lunch. I wish it were that simple. God knows I've tried everything related to lunches, it just never works.

Scheduling camps also isn't emotionally exhausting, but when you're the one doing everything it can get tiring. Which can lead to exhaustion and burnout. None of this is newsworthy. It's great when you have a partner to share those duties with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a long story, but when my kids were born, my dh was super hands on and involved. He literally could not have done much more for them. Over the years, he pulled back more and more. By the time the kids were out of the early elementary grades, dh provided all the financial support and I did all other aspects of parenting. I tried very hard, but couldn’t get him more involved.

The kids are in middle school now. He moved out 1 1/2 years ago. The kids have never spent a single night at his apartment. He moved his girlfriend in with him sometime last summer without telling me or the kids. The kids are still living in the marital home with me. He got a bed for one kid a couple months ago, but not for the other because the other wasn’t supportive of his relationship with his much younger girlfriend. He comes over and has dinner with the kids one night per week. I have told him many times that he’s welcome to see the kids anytime he wants. Occasionally he comes over for something else. He rarely calls or texts the kids. He is more involved in parenting now than he has been the last few years because he now drives one kid to school in the morning. He doesn’t know how to relate to the kids now that they’re older. He really only knows how to roughhouse with them. Only one kid has met his girlfriend.

I post this to say that parenting is a marathon and not a sprint. One’s level of hands on childcare in the first couple months of their baby’s life does not indicate what kind of parent they will be.

I have an aspergers ex spouse and this same thing happened. He could occasionally goof around with a baby but that didn’t fly with adolescents and preteen girls. He isolated himself with work when the second was born, and it took many short convos- usually the day after one of his meltdowns- for him to move out. Then sign the paperwork.

Did you get a formal divorce Pp? That’s not clear to me. We set up a few creative things for child support including staying on the house and mortgage together to keep the low rate.

He can do simple stuff like drive them places or watch go a movie with them or go to dinner or ice cream. He’s not a conversationalist so sounds like painful attempts at talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a long story, but when my kids were born, my dh was super hands on and involved. He literally could not have done much more for them. Over the years, he pulled back more and more. By the time the kids were out of the early elementary grades, dh provided all the financial support and I did all other aspects of parenting. I tried very hard, but couldn’t get him more involved.

The kids are in middle school now. He moved out 1 1/2 years ago. The kids have never spent a single night at his apartment. He moved his girlfriend in with him sometime last summer without telling me or the kids. The kids are still living in the marital home with me. He got a bed for one kid a couple months ago, but not for the other because the other wasn’t supportive of his relationship with his much younger girlfriend. He comes over and has dinner with the kids one night per week. I have told him many times that he’s welcome to see the kids anytime he wants. Occasionally he comes over for something else. He rarely calls or texts the kids. He is more involved in parenting now than he has been the last few years because he now drives one kid to school in the morning. He doesn’t know how to relate to the kids now that they’re older. He really only knows how to roughhouse with them. Only one kid has met his girlfriend.

I post this to say that parenting is a marathon and not a sprint. One’s level of hands on childcare in the first couple months of their baby’s life does not indicate what kind of parent they will be.

Which kid is a boy or girl?

[Anonymous]

He is very involved. I do more during the infant period, under 1 year, but DH does most of the daily stuff for our kids once they are toddlers and above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a long story, but when my kids were born, my dh was super hands on and involved. He literally could not have done much more for them. Over the years, he pulled back more and more. By the time the kids were out of the early elementary grades, dh provided all the financial support and I did all other aspects of parenting. I tried very hard, but couldn’t get him more involved.

Do you have any theories why he became less involved? Usually the early years are the most work and biggest adjustment so it’s interesting he jumped right in and then backed way off.

Np. Mine hit a wall and was overwhelmed by life with kids. He retreated to work and Netflix and his iPhone.
It was sad, but worse was his instant anger at being asked to do anything for the family — which half the time he forgot so if you asked again or sought to understand what happened you’d get attacked.

Severe skills deficits