How Involved Is Your Husband With Parenting?

[Anonymous]

Mine is extremely involved but from what I can see this isn’t the norm. I just stay reallllll quiet when other people are complaining about how incompetent their husbands are and how little they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I think of my husband as very involved and feel smug. But I am starting to think that the collaboration isn't worth it, it takes more time than to do it myself.

In the beginning the collaboration takes more effort and time. But, the pay off comes in a few years when your DH becomes more confident of his parenting skills.

My DH is a fantastic cook and for the entire pandemic he is the one who is grocery shopping and cooking all meals for us. He is WFH btw and I am a SAHM. My friends keep telling me how very lucky I am, because he does the grocery, cooking as well as dishes. Duh! Yes. I am lucky, but I was also not yelling at him when he was burning the food and making a mess of the kitchen in the early years of our marriage. The same goes for his parenting. I used to rush in to do things for my baby because I did not think he would know how to do things for the baby. My BFF yelled at me for interfering and undermining his confidence. I still remember what she said - If something ever happens to you, you are not letting your DH learn how to even make the pigtails of your baby girl". I loved that kick in the back that I deserved. I do not criticize whatever my DH wants to help with. I encourage him and I appreciate him.

Well, our oldest of 5 is 15, so I don't think so. I also frankly think I am a model of not enabling, and more or less vice versa. Our marriage is by far one of the most equal and modern in this respect (although I'm in my late 40s). There's zero problem of confidence on either of our parts. But collaboration takes longer.

[Anonymous]

I'm the default parent in the sense that I handle most of the logistics of clothing, activities, school forms and homework, etc., but he's really involved. He regularly and routinely takes care of her solo, he handles all dental appointments, he takes her to soccer practice and games, he plays with her, he does half of all pickups/dropoffs to school. He stayed home with her for two months after my maternity leave ended, which I think really helped set the tone that he was an equal and competent caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not at all. I do everything and make all the decisions. He takes one of our three kids to a sport, that's pretty much it. It sucks, but I'm not going to left things fall apart for the kids to prove a point. He does not care if school work is done, if they eat, etc. Just takes care of himself. It's like I live here with my children and he is a boarder.

Sorry to hear this PP.

It does suck that he behaves like this.
Would he attend counseling to see why he seems so indifferent to his own children?
To not even be concerned whether or not they eat?? 😢

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine is extremely involved but from what I can see this isn’t the norm. I just stay reallllll quiet when other people are complaining about how incompetent their husbands are and how little they do.

+1. Me too. We’ve been married a while and when the kids were very young (pre-elementary school) I was the default parent. But now my career has taken off and he has an easier government job so he does more with the kids than I do these days, especially since he’s been working from home due to CoVID.

[Anonymous]

Not involved. He thinks he is but he doesn’t read the school, sports or family emails, has no idea what they’re going through in life, still treats them like babies, and posts lots of pics of them when he is around doing his own thing. He’s on his phone all the time when home, “working”.

[Anonymous]

Very. He did everything that he could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I’m a dad, I have always made all the kid decisions, it has never caused me any emotional stress at all.

That’s interesting. Are you also a ninja?

How does one remain detached and unemotional about decisions regarding their own children?

I don’t understand why there’s any need to get emotional about 99% of kid decisions. What day care they should attend, what summer camps they go to, where they have their birthday parties, what clothes to buy, why would I get emotional about any of that? Most of the decisions are no-brainers.

Give me an example of a kid decision that emotionally exhausted you, and why.

DP but my dc has had to be hospitalized for mental and behavioral health issues - and yes we tried everything else first. Multiple times. It was horrible. And while my then fiance now husband was supportive and helpful, my ex was not so the weight of it fell entirely on my shoulders. It was exhausting, stressful, traumatic (visits were very limited because of COVID) and I hated it. Getting the right supports outside of the hospital was also a huge challenge because of COVID, needing the other parents support and participation, and working to stabilize the child. Thankfully my dc is doing better now, but we still have a long way to go working with his specific needs. There are parenting decisions that are emotional, and hard, I'm glad you've never had to make one though.

Birthday parties, meh, whatever. School decisions can be hard - particularly when they are for special needs related accommodations. The other decisions you mention (summer camps, daycare, school choice) can be difficult not because you're emotionally attached but because they require considering the logistics of transportation, getting a spot before they're all gone, all while balancing the day to day childcare and household tasks.

I am the dad PP. The first situation you describe is clearly stressful but also extremely unusual (sorry that happened and I hope your DC recovered). Thankfully I haven’t had to deal with that.

As for school, camp, and day care logistics, usually it’s so obvious there is no decision to make and thus no emotional stress. If I live in Ashburn, my kid is not going to attend a school or day camp in Howard County no matter how great it is. Once the camp is chosen and the kids like it, for many years it’s on autopilot - I get the email for “returning camper sign up” and I just do it. No stress.

[Anonymous]

Should be 50/50 minimum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I’m a dad, I have always made all the kid decisions, it has never caused me any emotional stress at all.

That’s interesting. Are you also a ninja?

How does one remain detached and unemotional about decisions regarding their own children?

I don’t understand why there’s any need to get emotional about 99% of kid decisions. What day care they should attend, what summer camps they go to, where they have their birthday parties, what clothes to buy, why would I get emotional about any of that? Most of the decisions are no-brainers.

Give me an example of a kid decision that emotionally exhausted you, and why.

Ah! That’s such a husband thing to say.

I’m the PP you first responded. For example - if my child is getting bullied. Which happened in first grade. I tossed & turned for weeks, it worried me so much. My other child had a health problem for several years. It had the potential to be quite serious and again, I worried and worried and was always on the look out for signs of illness. My husband didn’t think or worry about it unless I brought it up. Also- school. I made sure my kids were on the right track and got tutoring if needed, and was concerned one of them wasn’t doing as well as they should have been. I’m not sure my husband even thought of this stuff? Everything from puberty to hormones to growing on track to keeping them healthy & happy. Parenting involves a lot of worry (“emotional stress”). If you don’t do this, then your wife is doing it for you.

Dad PP. My kid got bullied in kindergarten. I talked to the teachers and the principal and made sure it got stopped. Didn’t worry me as I made sure from talking to DS that it had actually stopped. Thankfully as I said before no serious health problems with kids. I make sure my kids are on track at school, I help them with their homework, I get tutors as needed. None of that causes me emotional exhaustion. I see what needs doing, I do it. XW doesn’t do any of that stuff, and never did even when she was still DW.

I have not found parenting as such stressful. If XW is worrying then it’s not about parenting because I’m doing it all and making all the major decisions. If I didn’t then it wouldn’t get done.

The thing I worried about a lot, which caused me a lot of stress, was the effect of divorce on the kids. So far so good three years after she moved out. But that’s not the same as the everyday / annual kid stuff - there’s a lot of that, I did it all even before the divorce, and it doesn’t exhaust me at all.

[Anonymous]

^I'm an NP and I agree parenting decisions generally aren't stressful unless you have a child with special needs. That's not to say there aren't times when I worry about my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I’m a dad, I have always made all the kid decisions, it has never caused me any emotional stress at all.

That’s interesting. Are you also a ninja?

How does one remain detached and unemotional about decisions regarding their own children?

I don’t understand why there’s any need to get emotional about 99% of kid decisions. What day care they should attend, what summer camps they go to, where they have their birthday parties, what clothes to buy, why would I get emotional about any of that? Most of the decisions are no-brainers.

Give me an example of a kid decision that emotionally exhausted you, and why.

In general, I wouldn’t say that it’s by one decision. It’s making all of the decisions every day. Frankly, sometimes, just deciding what to make for dinner seems like too much. Scheduling pick ups/drop offs, kids books, games, and activities, what to do when school is cancelled for a day (or a year). I haven’t made dinner every night, but I have decided what our family of six will have for dinner every day for the last three thousand days. It would be nice to be able to push some things off onto someone else sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I’m a dad, I have always made all the kid decisions, it has never caused me any emotional stress at all.

That’s interesting. Are you also a ninja?

How does one remain detached and unemotional about decisions regarding their own children?

I don’t understand why there’s any need to get emotional about 99% of kid decisions. What day care they should attend, what summer camps they go to, where they have their birthday parties, what clothes to buy, why would I get emotional about any of that? Most of the decisions are no-brainers.

Give me an example of a kid decision that emotionally exhausted you, and why.

In general, I wouldn’t say that it’s by one decision. It’s making all of the decisions every day. Frankly, sometimes, just deciding what to make for dinner seems like too much. Scheduling pick ups/drop offs, kids books, games, and activities, what to do when school is cancelled for a day (or a year). I haven’t made dinner every night, but I have decided what our family of six will have for dinner every day for the last three thousand days. It would be nice to be able to push some things off onto someone else sometimes.

🤷‍♂️ I make all the decisions all the time. I make all the meals, too. It would be more stressful to try to get XW to do anything (and then I’d have to wonder if she actually did it) than to just do it all myself. It’s not s problem because I enjoy doing things for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I’m a dad, I have always made all the kid decisions, it has never caused me any emotional stress at all.

That’s interesting. Are you also a ninja?

How does one remain detached and unemotional about decisions regarding their own children?

I don’t understand why there’s any need to get emotional about 99% of kid decisions. What day care they should attend, what summer camps they go to, where they have their birthday parties, what clothes to buy, why would I get emotional about any of that? Most of the decisions are no-brainers.

Give me an example of a kid decision that emotionally exhausted you, and why.

Ah! That’s such a husband thing to say.

I’m the PP you first responded. For example - if my child is getting bullied. Which happened in first grade. I tossed & turned for weeks, it worried me so much. My other child had a health problem for several years. It had the potential to be quite serious and again, I worried and worried and was always on the look out for signs of illness. My husband didn’t think or worry about it unless I brought it up. Also- school. I made sure my kids were on the right track and got tutoring if needed, and was concerned one of them wasn’t doing as well as they should have been. I’m not sure my husband even thought of this stuff? Everything from puberty to hormones to growing on track to keeping them healthy & happy. Parenting involves a lot of worry (“emotional stress”). If you don’t do this, then your wife is doing it for you.

Dad PP. My kid got bullied in kindergarten. I talked to the teachers and the principal and made sure it got stopped. Didn’t worry me as I made sure from talking to DS that it had actually stopped. Thankfully as I said before no serious health problems with kids. I make sure my kids are on track at school, I help them with their homework, I get tutors as needed. None of that causes me emotional exhaustion. I see what needs doing, I do it. XW doesn’t do any of that stuff, and never did even when she was still DW.

I have not found parenting as such stressful. If XW is worrying then it’s not about parenting because I’m doing it all and making all the major decisions. If I didn’t then it wouldn’t get done.

The thing I worried about a lot, which caused me a lot of stress, was the effect of divorce on the kids. So far so good three years after she moved out. But that’s not the same as the everyday / annual kid stuff - there’s a lot of that, I did it all even before the divorce, and it doesn’t exhaust me at all.

Got it. But you have to understand that other people have different situations that are stressful? Not all bullying situations are so neatly tied up and resolved. You are lucky you haven’t had to worry - yet! But one day you may have to (hopefully not).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not at all. I do everything and make all the decisions. He takes one of our three kids to a sport, that's pretty much it. It sucks, but I'm not going to left things fall apart for the kids to prove a point. He does not care if school work is done, if they eat, etc. Just takes care of himself. It's like I live here with my children and he is a boarder.

Sorry PP. I sympathize. This was my DH for the first decade of our lives, despite me working also, no matter how much I asked him for more support and more engagement with the kids. It brought us to the brink of divorce.

After I withdrew from him emotionally he realized it was serious and now we have come to a more balanced arrangement with the parenting. Many days I'm afraid the emotional damage is done, but at least now we have a better foundation for co-parenting if we divorce.