How Involved Is Your Husband With Parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are new parents and he is very involved. I thought this was normal but I had dinner with friends over the weekend for the first time since we had our son and they were all shocked when I talked about how things were going and how we were adjusting to being parents. Some had more involved partners but they all were surprised how involved he is. They said I should be lucky I chose a husband who is involved. I’m so grateful that I have a wonderful husband who loves being a father, but I’m surprised that more men aren’t actively involved in their kids lives, at least my friends husbands. How involved is your husband?

Sorry if this is the wrong category. I wasn’t sure if I should post here or in the parenting forum.

Are you able to give a few examples so we can calibrate this involvement versus others’?

And how many months has it been?

Why do you want to know? So you can tear her down and say he’s not all that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are new parents and he is very involved. I thought this was normal but I had dinner with friends over the weekend for the first time since we had our son and they were all shocked when I talked about how things were going and how we were adjusting to being parents. Some had more involved partners but they all were surprised how involved he is. They said I should be lucky I chose a husband who is involved. I’m so grateful that I have a wonderful husband who loves being a father, but I’m surprised that more men aren’t actively involved in their kids lives, at least my friends husbands. How involved is your husband?

Sorry if this is the wrong category. I wasn’t sure if I should post here or in the parenting forum.

Everyone is different. There isn't ONE right way. Some husbands are busier with work. Some have more time for kids. Some make time for kids. Some are better fathers when the kids hit a certain age. Then some fathers are dead beats.

It's different for each family.

Ooh, touchy. Sorry your husband stinks as a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you realize that many women don’t even get to take 8 weeks off work after giving birth, never mind their spouses taking 8 weeks off for non-existent paternity leave. Your entire post is tone deaf

This has nothing to do with OPs post.

Sure it does, since her husband’s level of involvement has a whole to do with him taking 2 months off work

Yes, the lack of parental leave in this country is terrible and if people had more time off work that probably would lead to more involved parenting. However, my husband got zero parental leave and he’s one of the most involved dads I know. It’s not dependent on leave although surely leave would help.

So does coworkers emailing each other other night and weekend and then “talking” about work/life balance at the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I’m a dad, I have always made all the kid decisions, it has never caused me any emotional stress at all.

That’s interesting. Are you also a ninja?

How does one remain detached and unemotional about decisions regarding their own children?

I don’t understand why there’s any need to get emotional about 99% of kid decisions. What day care they should attend, what summer camps they go to, where they have their birthday parties, what clothes to buy, why would I get emotional about any of that? Most of the decisions are no-brainers.

Give me an example of a kid decision that emotionally exhausted you, and why.

[Anonymous]

Lol to PO who thinks an adolescent, pre teen or teen “doesn’t care” what they wear or where they spend 9-5pm all summer.

Ignorance is bliss, huh? Just give them your credit card and tell them to book, do, or buy whatever they want? Easy peasy this neglectful parenting style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very involved with the kids but like you, OP, most of my friends’ husbands are not very hands on dads. I learned early on not to make it sound like I’m bragging about my husband when I talk to my friends because early on i just assumed all their husbands also got up with babies in the night, changed diapers, bathed baby, took baby to Dr. Appts, packed the diaper bag for an outing, took baby on solo outings, etc etc. I quickly learned that most dads I knew didn’t do that stuff and were pretty clueless about babies or baby care stuff. Some of the dads are more involved now that kids are older but some are still pretty clueless and hands off w their kids. Makes me appreciate my husband so much more but also makes me sad/angry that so many men don’t do more for their kids and expect their wives to do it all.

OP here. This. I was shocked because I assumed that’s what both parents do and my friends husbands don’t do much of these.

Let’s get excited when you’re both actually back at work and sharing it, shall we? I did way more when my kids were babies and my husband does way more now. I am really glad I didn’t bean count like this.

OP here. I will to be going back to work. I’m taking off a couple of years to stay home with our son and possibly a second child.

Uh huh.

[Anonymous]

He became gradually more and more involved as kids were growing up, now he is much more involved than me (kids are in elementary and middle school).

When kids were babies, he was happy to change diapers or walk around with the stroller, but generally didn't know how to interact with them. Now he's very involved in their extracurricular activities, shops for them, etc.

TLDR: nothing stays the same, OP. You've won the great dad of babies competition, many more competitions are TK.

[Anonymous]

He’s very involved in: allowing non stop screen time when I want to minimize it, not waking up early to take our child to sports, hiding plans from me, throwing tantrums and making faces, allowing child to go out with other kids we don’t know.
He overfed (with formula) our first newborn and left her alone in the car twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I think of my husband as very involved and feel smug. But I am starting to think that the collaboration isn't worth it, it takes more time than to do it myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I’m a dad, I have always made all the kid decisions, it has never caused me any emotional stress at all.

That’s interesting. Are you also a ninja?

How does one remain detached and unemotional about decisions regarding their own children?

I don’t understand why there’s any need to get emotional about 99% of kid decisions. What day care they should attend, what summer camps they go to, where they have their birthday parties, what clothes to buy, why would I get emotional about any of that? Most of the decisions are no-brainers.

Give me an example of a kid decision that emotionally exhausted you, and why.

DP but my dc has had to be hospitalized for mental and behavioral health issues - and yes we tried everything else first. Multiple times. It was horrible. And while my then fiance now husband was supportive and helpful, my ex was not so the weight of it fell entirely on my shoulders. It was exhausting, stressful, traumatic (visits were very limited because of COVID) and I hated it. Getting the right supports outside of the hospital was also a huge challenge because of COVID, needing the other parents support and participation, and working to stabilize the child. Thankfully my dc is doing better now, but we still have a long way to go working with his specific needs. There are parenting decisions that are emotional, and hard, I'm glad you've never had to make one though.

Birthday parties, meh, whatever. School decisions can be hard - particularly when they are for special needs related accommodations. The other decisions you mention (summer camps, daycare, school choice) can be difficult not because you're emotionally attached but because they require considering the logistics of transportation, getting a spot before they're all gone, all while balancing the day to day childcare and household tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are new parents and he is very involved. I thought this was normal but I had dinner with friends over the weekend for the first time since we had our son and they were all shocked when I talked about how things were going and how we were adjusting to being parents. Some had more involved partners but they all were surprised how involved he is. They said I should be lucky I chose a husband who is involved. I’m so grateful that I have a wonderful husband who loves being a father, but I’m surprised that more men aren’t actively involved in their kids lives, at least my friends husbands. How involved is your husband?

Sorry if this is the wrong category. I wasn’t sure if I should post here or in the parenting forum.

I think you have to understand also that there may be an element of them wanting to feel loved and lucky-- in part, this is a social grace they were paying you.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't post anymore about this topic. There are such a lot of unhappy moms on this forum who are jealous of such families that they will start trolling you. Yes, it is sad that such fathers are not common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I think of my husband as very involved and feel smug. But I am starting to think that the collaboration isn't worth it, it takes more time than to do it myself.

In the beginning the collaboration takes more effort and time. But, the pay off comes in a few years when your DH becomes more confident of his parenting skills.

My DH is a fantastic cook and for the entire pandemic he is the one who is grocery shopping and cooking all meals for us. He is WFH btw and I am a SAHM. My friends keep telling me how very lucky I am, because he does the grocery, cooking as well as dishes. Duh! Yes. I am lucky, but I was also not yelling at him when he was burning the food and making a mess of the kitchen in the early years of our marriage. The same goes for his parenting. I used to rush in to do things for my baby because I did not think he would know how to do things for the baby. My BFF yelled at me for interfering and undermining his confidence. I still remember what she said - If something ever happens to you, you are not letting your DH learn how to even make the pigtails of your baby girl". I loved that kick in the back that I deserved. I do not criticize whatever my DH wants to help with. I encourage him and I appreciate him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I’m a dad, I have always made all the kid decisions, it has never caused me any emotional stress at all.

That’s interesting. Are you also a ninja?

How does one remain detached and unemotional about decisions regarding their own children?

I don’t understand why there’s any need to get emotional about 99% of kid decisions. What day care they should attend, what summer camps they go to, where they have their birthday parties, what clothes to buy, why would I get emotional about any of that? Most of the decisions are no-brainers.

Give me an example of a kid decision that emotionally exhausted you, and why.

Ah! That’s such a husband thing to say.

I’m the PP you first responded. For example - if my child is getting bullied. Which happened in first grade. I tossed & turned for weeks, it worried me so much. My other child had a health problem for several years. It had the potential to be quite serious and again, I worried and worried and was always on the look out for signs of illness. My husband didn’t think or worry about it unless I brought it up. Also- school. I made sure my kids were on the right track and got tutoring if needed, and was concerned one of them wasn’t doing as well as they should have been. I’m not sure my husband even thought of this stuff? Everything from puberty to hormones to growing on track to keeping them healthy & happy. Parenting involves a lot of worry (“emotional stress”). If you don’t do this, then your wife is doing it for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly if a man in 2021 is not an involved parent, he needs to be kicked to the curb. Women need to stand up for themselves and stop procreating with scrubs.

Yes my Dh is an excellent parents.

I disagree on this a bit. I think it really helps when everyone isn't doing everything. Tons of overlap. It helps when they are involved but in their own way different from mom.