How Involved Is Your Husband With Parenting?

[Anonymous]

The DWs in my moms group wish their DHs were less involved. Having another adult to negotiate parenting decisions as well as actually parenting the children just add complexity. They want to be captain mom and DH as their “yes maam” 2nd mate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very involved with the kids but like you, OP, most of my friends’ husbands are not very hands on dads. I learned early on not to make it sound like I’m bragging about my husband when I talk to my friends because early on i just assumed all their husbands also got up with babies in the night, changed diapers, bathed baby, took baby to Dr. Appts, packed the diaper bag for an outing, took baby on solo outings, etc etc. I quickly learned that most dads I knew didn’t do that stuff and were pretty clueless about babies or baby care stuff. Some of the dads are more involved now that kids are older but some are still pretty clueless and hands off w their kids. Makes me appreciate my husband so much more but also makes me sad/angry that so many men don’t do more for their kids and expect their wives to do it all.

OP here. This. I was shocked because I assumed that’s what both parents do and my friends husbands don’t do much of these.

Let’s get excited when you’re both actually back at work and sharing it, shall we? I did way more when my kids were babies and my husband does way more now. I am really glad I didn’t bean count like this.

OP here. I will to be going back to work. I’m taking off a couple of years to stay home with our son and possibly a second child.

Cool beans. You can clean the house then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are new parents and he is very involved. I thought this was normal but I had dinner with friends over the weekend for the first time since we had our son and they were all shocked when I talked about how things were going and how we were adjusting to being parents. Some had more involved partners but they all were surprised how involved he is. They said I should be lucky I chose a husband who is involved. I’m so grateful that I have a wonderful husband who loves being a father, but I’m surprised that more men aren’t actively involved in their kids lives, at least my friends husbands. How involved is your husband?

Sorry if this is the wrong category. I wasn’t sure if I should post here or in the parenting forum.

Are you able to give a few examples so we can calibrate this involvement versus others’?

And how many months has it been?

Seriously. All Op did was repeat herself with a headline comment five times plus some friends who also repeated it.

Show me, don’t tell me. What makes him involved Op? And this is a newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not at all. I do everything and make all the decisions. He takes one of our three kids to a sport, that's pretty much it. It sucks, but I'm not going to left things fall apart for the kids to prove a point. He does not care if school work is done, if they eat, etc. Just takes care of himself. It's like I live here with my children and he is a boarder.

Same. He hit the wall with baby 2 and just focused on work and hid from all other responsibilities.

But hey, he fed the baby some bottles and likes to take tons of photos in the 5 minutes he is around a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are new parents and he is very involved. I thought this was normal but I had dinner with friends over the weekend for the first time since we had our son and they were all shocked when I talked about how things were going and how we were adjusting to being parents. Some had more involved partners but they all were surprised how involved he is. They said I should be lucky I chose a husband who is involved. I’m so grateful that I have a wonderful husband who loves being a father, but I’m surprised that more men aren’t actively involved in their kids lives, at least my friends husbands. How involved is your husband?

Sorry if this is the wrong category. I wasn’t sure if I should post here or in the parenting forum.

Are you able to give a few examples so we can calibrate this involvement versus others’?

And how many months has it been?

OP here. He took off 8 weeks when our son was born and basically waited on hand and foot for me. He knew breastfeeding was important and he brought the baby to nurse and let me sleep most of the time. He did all of the diaper changes, washing any bottles and pump parts, and all the laundry. He filled up my water cups for every station each morning and filled my baskets with snacks to have while nursing. He made all of our meals and took over grocery shopping. I basically just learned to nursed, bonded with baby, and slept.

Things changed when he went back to work but he works from home and still cooked all our meals, did all of the laundry, and did the cleaning. He took over right after work with the baby so I could get some downtime or do things like clean or fold laundry. He puts the baby to bed every night. He actually plays with our son and will get on the floor and read to him, do tummy time, show him toys, etc. I do more now that he’s back at work but he still does plenty or will take over with the baby when he’s done with work.

My friends said their husbands helped out but they didn’t take over all of the cleaning or cooking or wake up and help with the baby. They were basically doing everything with some support.

Excellent! Keep up good communication!

Will you go back to work and then both of you manage a nanny or daycare logistics/days off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The DWs in my moms group wish their DHs were less involved. Having another adult to negotiate parenting decisions as well as actually parenting the children just add complexity. They want to be captain mom and DH as their “yes maam” 2nd mate.

Do these moms work? If so it’s hard to want to also “manage” your life partner spouse. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

There is a really, really low bar for fathers culturally/societally.

My H has been a model of that low bar, being very under engaged in direct parenting for basically years 0-8. For the last 1-2 he has been much more involved, and I hope it continues otherwise he will basically miss his children's lives and later regret it. But, for years institutions/people reinforced that he was a great father because he was a good financial provider and stayed home with the kids one weekend every couple years or one evening every few months.

It’s really quite sad there is a low bar, for all parties — the partners, the dads themselves, and the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very involved with the kids but like you, OP, most of my friends’ husbands are not very hands on dads. I learned early on not to make it sound like I’m bragging about my husband when I talk to my friends because early on i just assumed all their husbands also got up with babies in the night, changed diapers, bathed baby, took baby to Dr. Appts, packed the diaper bag for an outing, took baby on solo outings, etc etc. I quickly learned that most dads I knew didn’t do that stuff and were pretty clueless about babies or baby care stuff. Some of the dads are more involved now that kids are older but some are still pretty clueless and hands off w their kids. Makes me appreciate my husband so much more but also makes me sad/angry that so many men don’t do more for their kids and expect their wives to do it all.

OP here. This. I was shocked because I assumed that’s what both parents do and my friends husbands don’t do much of these.

Let’s get excited when you’re both actually back at work and sharing it, shall we? I did way more when my kids were babies and my husband does way more now. I am really glad I didn’t bean count like this.

OP here. I will to be going back to work. I’m taking off a couple of years to stay home with our son and possibly a second child.

Sure you will.

[Anonymous]

OP do you realize that many women don’t even get to take 8 weeks off work after giving birth, never mind their spouses taking 8 weeks off for non-existent paternity leave. Your entire post is tone deaf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you realize that many women don’t even get to take 8 weeks off work after giving birth, never mind their spouses taking 8 weeks off for non-existent paternity leave. Your entire post is tone deaf

This has nothing to do with OPs post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you realize that many women don’t even get to take 8 weeks off work after giving birth, never mind their spouses taking 8 weeks off for non-existent paternity leave. Your entire post is tone deaf

This has nothing to do with OPs post.

Sure it does, since her husband’s level of involvement has a whole to do with him taking 2 months off work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you realize that many women don’t even get to take 8 weeks off work after giving birth, never mind their spouses taking 8 weeks off for non-existent paternity leave. Your entire post is tone deaf

This has nothing to do with OPs post.

Sure it does, since her husband’s level of involvement has a whole to do with him taking 2 months off work

Yes, the lack of parental leave in this country is terrible and if people had more time off work that probably would lead to more involved parenting. However, my husband got zero parental leave and he’s one of the most involved dads I know. It’s not dependent on leave although surely leave would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you realize that many women don’t even get to take 8 weeks off work after giving birth, never mind their spouses taking 8 weeks off for non-existent paternity leave. Your entire post is tone deaf

This has nothing to do with OPs post.

Sure it does, since her husband’s level of involvement has a whole to do with him taking 2 months off work

Yes, the lack of parental leave in this country is terrible and if people had more time off work that probably would lead to more involved parenting. However, my husband got zero parental leave and he’s one of the most involved dads I know. It’s not dependent on leave although surely leave would help.

Yes, the lack of peace or respect of leave for dads sends a clear message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you realize that many women don’t even get to take 8 weeks off work after giving birth, never mind their spouses taking 8 weeks off for non-existent paternity leave. Your entire post is tone deaf

This has nothing to do with OPs post.

Sure it does, since her husband’s level of involvement has a whole to do with him taking 2 months off work

Yes, the lack of parental leave in this country is terrible and if people had more time off work that probably would lead to more involved parenting. However, my husband got zero parental leave and he’s one of the most involved dads I know. It’s not dependent on leave although surely leave would help.

He took 2 months off and now he is “back to work”...from home. So yes, his level of involvement can be very high. But surely OP realizes this is not a comparable scenario to what many people experience, you know, where there is either no or little time off for dad and dad has to actually leave the house from work and be gone all day.

[Anonymous]

Wow your friends have antiquated notions of fatherhood. My DH does at least half the parenting- like most of the other fathers in my friend group.