How Involved Is Your Husband With Parenting?

[Anonymous]

My husband is moderately involved. He’s very Type A, and hanging out with kids, letting them play and managing whatever comes up, is not his cup of tea. He struggles with letting kids do their thing, but being available if they need him. He either wants to be involved in whatever they are doing or completely involved in his own project.

He IS great at taking the kids out and about to the zoo or a museum or whatever. And he likes to help them with athletics and coach their teams. He loves to sit and talk and pontificate with them too. Our oldest has high functioning autism (what used to be known as Asperger’s), and DH is great at sitting with him and talking about his special interest du jour.

So, when our kids were babies, I would have said that he was not that involved. In fact, he kind of drive me crazy. But as they have gotten older, he has been more and more involved, and there are many ways that he is better with them than I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I’m a dad, I have always made all the kid decisions, it has never caused me any emotional stress at all.

[Anonymous]

Very involved. 50/50. I think that’s normal these days. No medal necessary.

[Anonymous]

Very involved. Equal to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

I’m a dad, I have always made all the kid decisions, it has never caused me any emotional stress at all.

That’s interesting. Are you also a ninja?

How does one remain detached and unemotional about decisions regarding their own children?

[Anonymous]

My husband is very involved with the kids but like you, OP, most of my friends’ husbands are not very hands on dads. I learned early on not to make it sound like I’m bragging about my husband when I talk to my friends because early on i just assumed all their husbands also got up with babies in the night, changed diapers, bathed baby, took baby to Dr. Appts, packed the diaper bag for an outing, took baby on solo outings, etc etc. I quickly learned that most dads I knew didn’t do that stuff and were pretty clueless about babies or baby care stuff. Some of the dads are more involved now that kids are older but some are still pretty clueless and hands off w their kids. Makes me appreciate my husband so much more but also makes me sad/angry that so many men don’t do more for their kids and expect their wives to do it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very involved. 50/50. I think that’s normal these days. No medal necessary.

I think this only applies in the last 10 years because my child is 10 and my ex-husband did nothing until she was six years old and we also had a younger child and he is pushing 50. When I have said that most men do more than he ever did, he says none of his friends did but that’s because they’re all the same age range.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are new parents and he is very involved. I thought this was normal but I had dinner with friends over the weekend for the first time since we had our son and they were all shocked when I talked about how things were going and how we were adjusting to being parents. Some had more involved partners but they all were surprised how involved he is. They said I should be lucky I chose a husband who is involved. I’m so grateful that I have a wonderful husband who loves being a father, but I’m surprised that more men aren’t actively involved in their kids lives, at least my friends husbands. How involved is your husband?

Sorry if this is the wrong category. I wasn’t sure if I should post here or in the parenting forum.

Are you able to give a few examples so we can calibrate this involvement versus others’?

And how many months has it been?

OP here. He took off 8 weeks when our son was born and basically waited on hand and foot for me. He knew breastfeeding was important and he brought the baby to nurse and let me sleep most of the time. He did all of the diaper changes, washing any bottles and pump parts, and all the laundry. He filled up my water cups for every station each morning and filled my baskets with snacks to have while nursing. He made all of our meals and took over grocery shopping. I basically just learned to nursed, bonded with baby, and slept.

Things changed when he went back to work but he works from home and still cooked all our meals, did all of the laundry, and did the cleaning. He took over right after work with the baby so I could get some downtime or do things like clean or fold laundry. He puts the baby to bed every night. He actually plays with our son and will get on the floor and read to him, do tummy time, show him toys, etc. I do more now that he’s back at work but he still does plenty or will take over with the baby when he’s done with work.

My friends said their husbands helped out but they didn’t take over all of the cleaning or cooking or wake up and help with the baby. They were basically doing everything with some support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very involved with the kids but like you, OP, most of my friends’ husbands are not very hands on dads. I learned early on not to make it sound like I’m bragging about my husband when I talk to my friends because early on i just assumed all their husbands also got up with babies in the night, changed diapers, bathed baby, took baby to Dr. Appts, packed the diaper bag for an outing, took baby on solo outings, etc etc. I quickly learned that most dads I knew didn’t do that stuff and were pretty clueless about babies or baby care stuff. Some of the dads are more involved now that kids are older but some are still pretty clueless and hands off w their kids. Makes me appreciate my husband so much more but also makes me sad/angry that so many men don’t do more for their kids and expect their wives to do it all.

OP here. This. I was shocked because I assumed that’s what both parents do and my friends husbands don’t do much of these.

[Anonymous]

Frankly if a man in 2021 is not an involved parent, he needs to be kicked to the curb. Women need to stand up for themselves and stop procreating with scrubs.

Yes my Dh is an excellent parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very involved with the kids but like you, OP, most of my friends’ husbands are not very hands on dads. I learned early on not to make it sound like I’m bragging about my husband when I talk to my friends because early on i just assumed all their husbands also got up with babies in the night, changed diapers, bathed baby, took baby to Dr. Appts, packed the diaper bag for an outing, took baby on solo outings, etc etc. I quickly learned that most dads I knew didn’t do that stuff and were pretty clueless about babies or baby care stuff. Some of the dads are more involved now that kids are older but some are still pretty clueless and hands off w their kids. Makes me appreciate my husband so much more but also makes me sad/angry that so many men don’t do more for their kids and expect their wives to do it all.

OP here. This. I was shocked because I assumed that’s what both parents do and my friends husbands don’t do much of these.

Let’s get excited when you’re both actually back at work and sharing it, shall we? I did way more when my kids were babies and my husband does way more now. I am really glad I didn’t bean count like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly if a man in 2021 is not an involved parent, he needs to be kicked to the curb. Women need to stand up for themselves and stop procreating with scrubs.

No. The thought of him having them alone makes me queasy. It’s easy to say that but not so easy in theory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very involved with the kids but like you, OP, most of my friends’ husbands are not very hands on dads. I learned early on not to make it sound like I’m bragging about my husband when I talk to my friends because early on i just assumed all their husbands also got up with babies in the night, changed diapers, bathed baby, took baby to Dr. Appts, packed the diaper bag for an outing, took baby on solo outings, etc etc. I quickly learned that most dads I knew didn’t do that stuff and were pretty clueless about babies or baby care stuff. Some of the dads are more involved now that kids are older but some are still pretty clueless and hands off w their kids. Makes me appreciate my husband so much more but also makes me sad/angry that so many men don’t do more for their kids and expect their wives to do it all.

OP here. This. I was shocked because I assumed that’s what both parents do and my friends husbands don’t do much of these.

Let’s get excited when you’re both actually back at work and sharing it, shall we? I did way more when my kids were babies and my husband does way more now. I am really glad I didn’t bean count like this.

OP here. I will to be going back to work. I’m taking off a couple of years to stay home with our son and possibly a second child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are new parents and he is very involved. I thought this was normal but I had dinner with friends over the weekend for the first time since we had our son and they were all shocked when I talked about how things were going and how we were adjusting to being parents. Some had more involved partners but they all were surprised how involved he is. They said I should be lucky I chose a husband who is involved. I’m so grateful that I have a wonderful husband who loves being a father, but I’m surprised that more men aren’t actively involved in their kids lives, at least my friends husbands. How involved is your husband?

Sorry if this is the wrong category. I wasn’t sure if I should post here or in the parenting forum.

Are you able to give a few examples so we can calibrate this involvement versus others’?

And how many months has it been?

OP here. He took off 8 weeks when our son was born and basically waited on hand and foot for me. He knew breastfeeding was important and he brought the baby to nurse and let me sleep most of the time. He did all of the diaper changes, washing any bottles and pump parts, and all the laundry. He filled up my water cups for every station each morning and filled my baskets with snacks to have while nursing. He made all of our meals and took over grocery shopping. I basically just learned to nursed, bonded with baby, and slept.

Things changed when he went back to work but he works from home and still cooked all our meals, did all of the laundry, and did the cleaning. He took over right after work with the baby so I could get some downtime or do things like clean or fold laundry. He puts the baby to bed every night. He actually plays with our son and will get on the floor and read to him, do tummy time, show him toys, etc. I do more now that he’s back at work but he still does plenty or will take over with the baby when he’s done with work.

My friends said their husbands helped out but they didn’t take over all of the cleaning or cooking or wake up and help with the baby. They were basically doing everything with some support.

My husband did all that, he also had help from my mom. In my culture women don't do anything but nurse the first month. It's for your health and the good of the baby.

My husband also continued to get up and get the baby for nursing most of the first year. He is hands on. People always say I'm so lucky, which is true but which also is silly because it's only relative to expecting ZERO from men.

[Anonymous]

My DH is a very protective and hands on dad. He is also super domesticated - cooking, cleaning etc. His love language is service. My kids are teens now (a boy and a girl) and he is their sun, moon and star! He always wanted to give the very best to them and so he made sure that I also succeed as a mom. I would say that when my kids were born, my DH made sure that I was very well looked after and the only task I did was to nurse them on demand, bathe them, sit with them and cut their finger nails (it freaked him out). He did everything else, rocking them, burping them, changing their diapers, etc etc. He got up at night and looked after them. We call him "Daddy Seahorse", because if he could have gestated them he would have. He is also extremely talented in outsourcing chores and lining up more help that we need. We are frugal people in many things, but we pay service providers generously and we always maintain a group of really good people on call.