Reply to How Involved Is Your Husband With Parenting?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]I didn’t say that I was falling apart, only that I have emotions about my kids, and it can be exhausting not to have a spouse to share them with. Sometimes those feelings are feelings of joy or excitement or surprise.[/quote]

I have lots of emotions about my kids. Just not about scheduling everyday stuff for them.

[quote]I don’t know why you are acting like you are in the ER and have to set emotion aside during the every day lives of your children. [/quote]

Scheduling everyday stuff for kids is not at all like being an ER doc. Thank God! It's never a life-or-death decision. If I drop the ball and forget to schedule the summer tennis lessons, oh well, my bad, but ultimately that's no big deal. It's because these decisions are relatively unimportant in the grand scheme of things that I don't have strong emotions that I need to set aside or that exhaust me. It's also why I find it hard to understand people who do get exhausted about them.

On the few occasions when I've had to make serious medical decisions for my kids, I was not really anxious about the decision itself (often as not, it was just "do what the doc recommends") but was of course anxious that the procedure go well and the child make a full recovery.

[quote]The only emotions you seem to experience are anger at your ex-wife and some vague guilt about the divorce. Maybe your fear of being exhausted or being seen as weak is an issue?[/quote]

(sigh) Whenever a man says anything that can be interpreted as critical of women, women accuse him of being "angry". No. I am not angry at her, even though she can't be relied on to schedule their activities or important appointments, and nothing happens unless I do it. Mostly this is because I know she is mentally ill, which is not her fault. Despite her illness, which likely made divorce inevitable no matter what I did, I know I was an imperfect husband. Yes, I do feel guilty that I didn't address my own issues during the marriage, and in that respect I failed myself, her, and my kids. During the lead-up to the divorce, I felt a great deal of stress and anxiety, mostly about how it would affect the kids. So you see, I am not an emotionless robot - and I got therapy to help me through it.

[quote]You should try being a little more vulnerable with your kids. Yes. It is exhausting. But kids are worth it.[/quote]

Sorry, have to disagree. Kids expect their father to be a rock. If he displays weakness, it amplifies their fears and insecurities. They are looking at you, and if they see that daddy is calm, they think everything will be ok. Frankly, women are the same way. Whatever they may say about wanting men to show emotion and be vulnerable, in reality they want you to be unruffled and calm, especially in the face of adversity. A man has to keep his anxieties to himself, or pay a therapist to listen to them. Nobody else wants to hear it, least of all his woman and children.[/quote]

That is BS and perpetuates toxic masculinity. It is possible to demonstrate negative emotions and how to handle them appropriately without scaring your kids or making them feel responsible. If kids never see fathers work though negative emotions, they will bury their own emotions and need therapy. That said, packing lunches and scheduling camps or dentist appointments should not come with a lot of strong emotions. If any parent is that fragile, something else is going on. [/quote]

Yeah...I definitely want to know my husbands emotions. His emotional health matters to me as much as my own because it impacts the health of our entire family.

And, packing lunches isn't emotionally exhausting, but it can be tiring (physically tiring...surely y'all have simply gotten tired of doing certain things) when I'm the only one watching the pantry supply and trying to make sure we have enough of everything to go around - and then of course the kid uses lunch snacks for after school snacks which requires either going hungry at lunch a few days or a last minute store run. And, my kid has SN so no, he cannot simply eat the school lunch. I wish it were that simple. God knows I've tried everything related to lunches, it just never works.

Scheduling camps also isn't emotionally exhausting, but when you're the one doing everything it can get tiring. Which can lead to exhaustion and burnout. None of this is newsworthy. It's great when you have a partner to share those duties with.[/quote]

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