How Involved Is Your Husband With Parenting?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are new parents and he is very involved. I thought this was normal but I had dinner with friends over the weekend for the first time since we had our son and they were all shocked when I talked about how things were going and how we were adjusting to being parents. Some had more involved partners but they all were surprised how involved he is. They said I should be lucky I chose a husband who is involved. I’m so grateful that I have a wonderful husband who loves being a father, but I’m surprised that more men aren’t actively involved in their kids lives, at least my friends husbands. How involved is your husband?

Sorry if this is the wrong category. I wasn’t sure if I should post here or in the parenting forum.

[Anonymous]

With my first, he was more involved in the infant years, but then again I also needed him more. I was adjusting to being a mom, my first was colicky, and I was struggling. But with the second two I was a pro and didn’t really need his help. He helped in other ways like cooking or cleaning when I couldn’t get to it. Now that they are older we both have our roles. I’m a SAHM so I do a lot more of the parenting. However, when he isn’t working, he is the one sitting at the table doing homework with them and teaching them lessons. Our kids are academically a couple grade levels ahead due to his efforts. So while he isn’t the one shutting to school and sports and library trips and cooking from scratch and packing lunches, doing bedtime, etc. he is still very much a huge influence

[Anonymous]

Very, but he's the main parent. That's something that we agreed on before having kids.

[Anonymous]

Very.

After I took 4 months of leave after birth, he took 4 months paternity leave (major props to his employer).

Ever since, we've split things pretty evenly (kid is now in K).

We have always split drop-off and pick-up, doctors' appointments and dentist visits, sick days, family visits, fun stuff / outings, personal time, extracurriculars, bedtimes, mealtimes, etc.

I'm very thankful and we both think this works well. It was also a good reason to stop after one child for us (we're older [mid-40s], we both need to work but want to have enough flexibility to be present parents, and we're both major introverts).

[Anonymous]

Very, but it took him some time to figure it out. When we were very new parents my DH was very present, but not super involved -- he deferred to me on pretty much everything and often waited to be asked to do things. But as our baby became more mobile, started eating solid foods, and became more interactive, my DH became much more actively involved. I also encouraged him to take the lead on parenting at different times and really tried not to correct or interfere too much when he did.

I think for many women, motherhood starts during pregnancy and there is instant connection with the baby and you fall into the rhythms of parenting quickly. For some men, including my DH, it can take longer to get there. And I think society sometimes sees that and thinks "oh men are not natural caregivers." But it's just a different entry into parenthood. My DH just gave our DD a bath, cleaned up her toys with her, got her ready for bed, and is now doing this little bedtime routine they have (I'll go in soon to read a couple books and tuck her in). Those are all things he had to learn to do and now "come naturally." You have to give people time to get there.

[Anonymous]

He's very involved, probably does more than me even though I'm a SAHM. I think a lot of that is because he was a SAHD with his child from his first marriage, so he's used to doing most of the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are new parents and he is very involved. I thought this was normal but I had dinner with friends over the weekend for the first time since we had our son and they were all shocked when I talked about how things were going and how we were adjusting to being parents. Some had more involved partners but they all were surprised how involved he is. They said I should be lucky I chose a husband who is involved. I’m so grateful that I have a wonderful husband who loves being a father, but I’m surprised that more men aren’t actively involved in their kids lives, at least my friends husbands. How involved is your husband?

Sorry if this is the wrong category. I wasn’t sure if I should post here or in the parenting forum.

Are you able to give a few examples so we can calibrate this involvement versus others’?

And how many months has it been?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are new parents and he is very involved. I thought this was normal but I had dinner with friends over the weekend for the first time since we had our son and they were all shocked when I talked about how things were going and how we were adjusting to being parents. Some had more involved partners but they all were surprised how involved he is. They said I should be lucky I chose a husband who is involved. I’m so grateful that I have a wonderful husband who loves being a father, but I’m surprised that more men aren’t actively involved in their kids lives, at least my friends husbands. How involved is your husband?

Sorry if this is the wrong category. I wasn’t sure if I should post here or in the parenting forum.

Are you able to give a few examples so we can calibrate this involvement versus others’?

And how many months has it been?

Most men are involved parents. There isn't a huge amount of "parenting" a newborn. It is true that some men have a learning curve and adjustment and are far more involved later. This does not make them uninvolved parents. Its also a decision and a relationship style. I can't stand my coworkers who say "we" are pregnant and are really intense re sleep, feeding with newborns and then act like the kid doesn't exist for years. That is also a thing.

[Anonymous]

My husband isn’t very involved in day-to-day parenting.

I make almost all of the decisions regarding the kids, which I’m very happy about because I see so many friends and their spouses arguing over parenting decisions. The downside is that the emotional stress of parenting falls on my shoulders — and I don’t have anyone to share it with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are new parents and he is very involved. I thought this was normal but I had dinner with friends over the weekend for the first time since we had our son and they were all shocked when I talked about how things were going and how we were adjusting to being parents. Some had more involved partners but they all were surprised how involved he is. They said I should be lucky I chose a husband who is involved. I’m so grateful that I have a wonderful husband who loves being a father, but I’m surprised that more men aren’t actively involved in their kids lives, at least my friends husbands. How involved is your husband?

Sorry if this is the wrong category. I wasn’t sure if I should post here or in the parenting forum.

Everyone is different. There isn't ONE right way. Some husbands are busier with work. Some have more time for kids. Some make time for kids. Some are better fathers when the kids hit a certain age. Then some fathers are dead beats.

It's different for each family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are new parents and he is very involved. I thought this was normal but I had dinner with friends over the weekend for the first time since we had our son and they were all shocked when I talked about how things were going and how we were adjusting to being parents. Some had more involved partners but they all were surprised how involved he is. They said I should be lucky I chose a husband who is involved. I’m so grateful that I have a wonderful husband who loves being a father, but I’m surprised that more men aren’t actively involved in their kids lives, at least my friends husbands. How involved is your husband?

Sorry if this is the wrong category. I wasn’t sure if I should post here or in the parenting forum.

Everyone is different. There isn't ONE right way. Some husbands are busier with work. Some have more time for kids. Some make time for kids. Some are better fathers when the kids hit a certain age. Then some fathers are dead beats.

It's different for each family.

Agree. Go easy patting yourself on the back OP

[Anonymous]

OP, do you want some kind of medal or what? You all have been parents for what, a minute? I am not even sure what you're asking. Some dads are not very involved in their newborn babies night care if the wife is BFing. Some are. This is no gauge of how involved they will be as parents through the years. I'd calm way down.

[Anonymous]

Mine is very involved including day to day. He took a month leave when they were 5 months to stay with them until we got a nanny. We split bath/bed times every week. He signs them up for activities and takes them once a week, does homework with the oldest and plays with the toddler, does the kids laundry, makes lunches etc. pretty much equal partner. He may spend a little less overall time with them then me since his commute is longer but that doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Not at all. I do everything and make all the decisions. He takes one of our three kids to a sport, that's pretty much it. It sucks, but I'm not going to left things fall apart for the kids to prove a point. He does not care if school work is done, if they eat, etc. Just takes care of himself. It's like I live here with my children and he is a boarder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are new parents and he is very involved. I thought this was normal but I had dinner with friends over the weekend for the first time since we had our son and they were all shocked when I talked about how things were going and how we were adjusting to being parents. Some had more involved partners but they all were surprised how involved he is. They said I should be lucky I chose a husband who is involved. I’m so grateful that I have a wonderful husband who loves being a father, but I’m surprised that more men aren’t actively involved in their kids lives, at least my friends husbands. How involved is your husband?

Sorry if this is the wrong category. I wasn’t sure if I should post here or in the parenting forum.

Are you able to give a few examples so we can calibrate this involvement versus others’?

And how many months has it been?

Most men are involved parents. There isn't a huge amount of "parenting" a newborn. It is true that some men have a learning curve and adjustment and are far more involved later. This does not make them uninvolved parents. Its also a decision and a relationship style. I can't stand my coworkers who say "we" are pregnant and are really intense re sleep, feeding with newborns and then act like the kid doesn't exist for years. That is also a thing.

+1

Your comment about the "we" men (heh) reminds me of some of the dads in our childbirth class when I was pregnant. There were two dads who were extremely intense and almost... competitive about being knowledgeable about pregnancy and childbirth. It was exhausting. One guy in particular was constantly pontificating about how HIS wife was going to EBF and HIS wife would never have medication during birth.

My DH was totally clueless about childbirth and breastfeeding, but he did instinctively rub my back whenever that guy was talking because he knew I was hopped up on pregnancy hormones and might let lose on the class if I had to listen to one more soliloquy from that dude about about why drinking caffeine during pregnancy was basically the same as snorting cocaine. I'll stick with the one I got.