Is this a South Asian practice or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok the other thread about covering the parents’ Anniversary trip got me thinking…. Do most South Asian families cover expenses like trips and dinners for their parents/ in-laws?

I married into an educated Indian American family: typical father in law was an engineer/ mother was a sahm situation. They have 2 sons, one in finance and the other a physician in academics. Basically we split paying for almost all the in-laws’ trips: vacations that they take with us, their trips to India, their domestic trip to visit us, and will often even upgrade them to business class since my MIL has “ back issues” etc. We also cover every meal whenever we go out to eat with them, which is pretty often.

It’s all getting to be too much given that we have our own expenses: daycare, retirement, mortgage, private school expenses since the pandemic, and I didn’t go into a lucrative field myself.

Do most South Asian families cover these types of expenses for their parents and in-laws or is it just us? It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa! I want to say something to my DH about it but won’t if it’s some sort of cultural practice that’s expected in the South Asian community.

His family is different than yours and its frustrating but that's what dating period is for, to learn what's important for you and the other person. You can not marry an Indian and expect them to act as a Norwegian after signing marriage license.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its a serious struggle when we want to give anything to my SA in-laws, they are just so stubborn but my husband has his sneaky ways to do some things without them knowing it. It makes him feel so happy.

He upgrades their flights and says upgrades were free. He books hotels saying he got free nights through work. He pays their cleaning lady extra and they think she is an angel doing whole house for only $50. My hubby instructed her never to mention real cost of her services to them or they'll immediately fire her and start doing it themselves.

I think its really sweet and makes me proud of the man i picked.

Ha ha! That is how we sneak in stuff for not only our elders but also siblings. It is a joy to see everyone in our family enjoying some occasional treats. They also have had our backs for everything and we have got tremendous leg-up in life because of them. They have paid for our entire education, our first car, wedding, down payment to our condo, and have helped with childcare. For us, it is just money and I would rather spend it on family and relatives than anyone else. Thankfully, no one in my family is financially insecure. They all have been frugal and careful and have taken care of their future as well as their dependents. I feel so happy when I can do anything for them.

[Anonymous]

My ILs sold and mortgaged their property to help send DH to the US for his studies. Heck, even his sister’s MIL gave him money to ease his way. DH worked hard, lived frugally, and paid for his younger sister’s wedding on a RA’s salary. He had 10K to his name when we got married, and shortly after that, he paid for his younger sister’s wedding. A few years down the road, we had a nice house built for them, paid for them to outfit it, and bought them a car. We obviously paid for their trips here and vacations with us, and their living expenses as well. They had an income stream, but we wanted to be sure that they could live comfortably and never have to worry about money again.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks for everyone who responded in a civil way to my post. After thinking more about it, I realize that the main reasons I dislike my husband funding his parents is
1. I don’t help my parents financially as well and 2. I have a strained relationship for my Mil and don’t want so much of my money (yes I work full time too) going to her.

Unfortunately my MIL is one of those types of people that has groomed her sons from childhood to notice all of the ‘sacrifices’ she has made for them and therefore made them feel that they owe her to ‘take care’ of her financially in old age.These are the same types of sacrifices that any mother would make (including my own) except other mothers don’t constantly guilt trip their children about them.

Anyways, that along with the fact that she believes sons must take care of their parents and that girls automatically become part of their in-laws family and should sever ties to their birth family after marriage always rubbed me the wrong way!

Realizing this fact and that I’m not going to change them at the point, I think the best thing to do is to provide the same financial perks to my parents, as my in-laws get. Even if we have less money to retire or fund our children’s educations, I would feel better knowing that my husband’s parents are not the only ones benefitting from our money and that mine are too!

T

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m Bangladeshi American and my parents won’t let me pay for anything when we go on trips (maybe once every 5 years) or out to meals.

Are you a woman?

If you are asking this question then you don't understand south asian family dynamics. Parents are much more likely to do everything for their son than for their daughter. The daughter is her in-laws problem, LOL!

OP here. I was asking that question because I thought PP must be a man, not a woman. My in-laws expect their sons to pay for them and my MiL told me when I married DH that I was now a part of their family and was angry at how much I was visiting my parents! So yes, I understand ‘south asian family dynamics’ and all the patriarchy it entails.

Honestly OP, it sounds like this is just the dynamic within your family and not an ethnicity issue. Please stop painting all south asians in the same light as your mother in law. My mom has been nothing but welcoming to my sisters in law and is actually really good friends with both of their mothers (one is also south asian, the other is caucasian). In our circles, this is normal and common. Our parents spoil the heck out of us.

[Anonymous]

So the OP is not upset about not saving more for retirement or college as previously stated. Ultimately she feels inadequate about how little she helps her parents compared to her Dh, so will now also take better care of her parents too.

Glad you’ve been able to evolve through this and culturally adapt to family values that are not familiar to you. I’m sure your parents will be pleased too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow op! How much are you all spending on these trips? 10k a year? I’m just a bit surprised that parents would take money out of their grandkids hands

OP's husband and his brother are physicians and tech professionals, I'm sure their children are living very comfortably. It seems OP is upset because this money can go towards lifestyle improvement, not worried about unpaid grocery ir electric bills.

Not true. My DH and I have a lot of expenses: educational loans, private school for kids since pandemic, mortgage, etc. I’m talking about saving for the kids’ College and our retirement. Unfortunately I didn’t go into a lucrative field because how did I know that in addition to supporting our kids, I would be helping to support in-laws that already have retirement savings, a pension, rental properties, and full medical coverage. So yes, I’m upset about it. I don’t even do it for my own parents who are not as well off as my in-laws!

Husband problem, not ethnicity problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for everyone who responded in a civil way to my post. After thinking more about it, I realize that the main reasons I dislike my husband funding his parents is
1. I don’t help my parents financially as well and 2. I have a strained relationship for my Mil and don’t want so much of my money (yes I work full time too) going to her.

Unfortunately my MIL is one of those types of people that has groomed her sons from childhood to notice all of the ‘sacrifices’ she has made for them and therefore made them feel that they owe her to ‘take care’ of her financially in old age.These are the same types of sacrifices that any mother would make (including my own) except other mothers don’t constantly guilt trip their children about them.

Anyways, that along with the fact that she believes sons must take care of their parents and that girls automatically become part of their in-laws family and should sever ties to their birth family after marriage always rubbed me the wrong way!

Realizing this fact and that I’m not going to change them at the point, I think the best thing to do is to provide the same financial perks to my parents, as my in-laws get. Even if we have less money to retire or fund our children’s educations, I would feel better knowing that my husband’s parents are not the only ones benefitting from our money and that mine are too!

T

Since you are bean counting -
1) Did your parents also give the same amount of money in your upbringing, education etc?
2) Are you giving to your parents from the meagre amount you earn or are you dipping into what your husband makes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for everyone who responded in a civil way to my post. After thinking more about it, I realize that the main reasons I dislike my husband funding his parents is
1. I don’t help my parents financially as well and 2. I have a strained relationship for my Mil and don’t want so much of my money (yes I work full time too) going to her.

Unfortunately my MIL is one of those types of people that has groomed her sons from childhood to notice all of the ‘sacrifices’ she has made for them and therefore made them feel that they owe her to ‘take care’ of her financially in old age.These are the same types of sacrifices that any mother would make (including my own) except other mothers don’t constantly guilt trip their children about them.

Anyways, that along with the fact that she believes sons must take care of their parents and that girls automatically become part of their in-laws family and should sever ties to their birth family after marriage always rubbed me the wrong way!

Realizing this fact and that I’m not going to change them at the point, I think the best thing to do is to provide the same financial perks to my parents, as my in-laws get. Even if we have less money to retire or fund our children’s educations, I would feel better knowing that my husband’s parents are not the only ones benefitting from our money and that mine are too!

T

This is a very odd conclusion to this situation, but whatever OP. You're jealous that your husband treats his family better than he treats yours, so you want to sacrifice MORE of your money to make sure your parents get equal treatment. Super weird, but whatever makes you sleep better at night, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow op! How much are you all spending on these trips? 10k a year? I’m just a bit surprised that parents would take money out of their grandkids hands

OP's husband and his brother are physicians and tech professionals, I'm sure their children are living very comfortably. It seems OP is upset because this money can go towards lifestyle improvement, not worried about unpaid grocery ir electric bills.

Not true. My DH and I have a lot of expenses: educational loans, private school for kids since pandemic, mortgage, etc. I’m talking about saving for the kids’ College and our retirement. Unfortunately I didn’t go into a lucrative field because how did I know that in addition to supporting our kids, I would be helping to support in-laws that already have retirement savings, a pension, rental properties, and full medical coverage. So yes, I’m upset about it. I don’t even do it for my own parents who are not as well off as my in-laws!

Husband problem, not ethnicity problem.

Huh??! The DH's parents will be passing to their children a hefty inheritance. What will the DW's family be giving in terms of inheritance? It seems the DW's family are low SES and need the money their well-off son-in-law is earning. All of this is just creating a tempest in teacup to give money to the DW's family. Yikes and yuck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the OP is not upset about not saving more for retirement or college as previously stated. Ultimately she feels inadequate about how little she helps her parents compared to her Dh, so will now also take better care of her parents too.

Glad you’ve been able to evolve through this and culturally adapt to family values that are not familiar to you. I’m sure your parents will be pleased too.

No that’s not correct. I am upset that we can’t save more for college and retirement, but I will be even more disappointed if we only financially support my patriarchal, narcissistic MIL and not give the same to my own parents who unlike her, are selfless and unassuming people. So basically I would rather be less financially stable myself and support both sides of the family, not just my husband’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the OP is not upset about not saving more for retirement or college as previously stated. Ultimately she feels inadequate about how little she helps her parents compared to her Dh, so will now also take better care of her parents too.

Glad you’ve been able to evolve through this and culturally adapt to family values that are not familiar to you. I’m sure your parents will be pleased too.

OP's ILs do not need monetary help. They are being treated well by their well to do offsprings. They will also leave behind considerable inheritence to their children and OP will benefit. OP is low income and her parents are also not well-off. She really is hoping to pass on some of her DH's earnings to her parents too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the OP is not upset about not saving more for retirement or college as previously stated. Ultimately she feels inadequate about how little she helps her parents compared to her Dh, so will now also take better care of her parents too.

Glad you’ve been able to evolve through this and culturally adapt to family values that are not familiar to you. I’m sure your parents will be pleased too.

OP's ILs do not need monetary help. They are being treated well by their well to do offsprings. They will also leave behind considerable inheritence to their children and OP will benefit. OP is low income and her parents are also not well-off. She really is hoping to pass on some of her DH's earnings to her parents too.

Sorry but my parents are not low income at all. My father is a physician who recently retired and my mother also worked. Where are you getting this low income stuff from?

[Anonymous]

Not a South Asian thing. Not only escorted MIL on vacay, drive elderly folks so they don't have to drive at night. If your ILs have another successful son, just say you are saving up right now. I can't imagine they showed up tooted a shotgun and took a bullet to your vault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok the other thread about covering the parents’ Anniversary trip got me thinking…. Do most South Asian families cover expenses like trips and dinners for their parents/ in-laws?

I married into an educated Indian American family: typical father in law was an engineer/ mother was a sahm situation. They have 2 sons, one in finance and the other a physician in academics. Basically we split paying for almost all the in-laws’ trips: vacations that they take with us, their trips to India, their domestic trip to visit us, and will often even upgrade them to business class since my MIL has “ back issues” etc. We also cover every meal whenever we go out to eat with them, which is pretty often.

It’s all getting to be too much given that we have our own expenses: daycare, retirement, mortgage, private school expenses since the pandemic, and I didn’t go into a lucrative field myself.

Do most South Asian families cover these types of expenses for their parents and in-laws or is it just us? It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa! I want to say something to my DH about it but won’t if it’s some sort of cultural practice that’s expected in the South Asian community.

I'm Indian, my parents always paid for me. For trips back to India, my dad made it a point of paying for all of us -- it felt symbolic. So I think this is soething that varies.