Reply to Child Joining Family through Adoption is NOT an Adopted Child

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Reply to "Child Joining Family through Adoption is NOT an Adopted Child"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too. [/quote]

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly.  There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives.  If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity.  You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents.  Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.[/quote]

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others?  Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact.  And, those families all consider each other family.  Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.  [/quote]

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?[/quote]

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term. [/quote]

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids.  You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them.  You are some random family member and sound off.  Back off.  When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about.  You don’t consider this child part of the family.  Thank goodness they have the other family.  [/quote]

You are so full of anger but also not making a ton of sense/ not actually reading posts very thoroughly? [/quote]

A relative is constantly posting about their relative's adoption situation and is resentful that the birth family is involved with one child.   Their posts are really inappropriate.  That poster has not accepted the child into their family and is not happy about the  adoption situation.  Its not their decision or responsibility to manage or care.  Its great the  parents are doing what is best for that child.

I have zero anger.  We have a lovely open adoption where we are all family.[/quote]

Ok.  I just saw the comments like "you don't get it" "back off" "thank goodness the child has the other family" and it seemed really angry at this other poster.   You seem to agree that adoption situations are nuanced but don't give this poster any leeway to feel nuanced about her own family's adoption story. And to be frank, seeing that situation- where the birth family is heavily involved (great, if that is what all parties want then great!) but basically ignores the child's siblings, it sounds like the birth family "othering" the siblings which can have lasting impacts on sibling dynamics and further cement in everyone's mind that this one child, who came to the family via adoption, is "other" and "different" and has this "other family" that the siblings do not have.  Honestly, I'd be uncomfortable with this as well if it were happening in my family, but, since it's not, I get that it's not my business to have an opinion and that's fine.  But to offer a third party viewpoint- I see the downsides to this just like that poster does. [/quote]

This is not happening in her family and she is a relative.  These relatives are not the other kids relatives and owe them noting.  The entire situation sounds made up.   Daily contact.  Doubtful.  Weekly visits.   Sounds like there is far more to the story.  [/quote]
I don’t see it as someone “owing” the other kids anything. I see it as damaging the relationship between siblings by breeding resentment between them. If the parents, or the bio family members, really had this child’s best interests at heart they wouldn’t want to set up a situation where the child and his siblings were treated so vastly differently. [/quote]

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