Reply to Child Joining Family through Adoption is NOT an Adopted Child

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Reply to "Child Joining Family through Adoption is NOT an Adopted Child"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too. [/quote]

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly.  There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives.  If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity.  You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents.  Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.[/quote]

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others?  Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact.  And, those families all consider each other family.  Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.  [/quote]

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?[/quote]

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term. [/quote]

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids.  You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them.  You are some random family member and sound off.  Back off.  When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about.  You don’t consider this child part of the family.  [b]Thank goodness they have the other family.  [/b][/quote]

Then why was the adoption even necessary? [/quote]

That was my takeaway as well reading that. If the birth family has multiple grandparents/ aunts/ whoever visiting and calling on a regular basis, where were they when this child’s birth mother was signing all parenting rights away? They could have kept this child in their family and apparently elected not to. Seems odd?[/quote]

No, it’s not odd at all.  So many reasons and none your business. [/quote]

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