Getting shammed for getting engaged at 22

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a trend now, helicopter parents doesn’t give up after 18, they keep infantalizing adult “children”, imposing their decisions in the name of underdeveloped brains. If you pick up human history, most remarkable things were done by people user 25.

If no one is stopping the marriage ceremony, how is it "infantilizing" them? I would rather have a "helicopter" engaged parent than someone who doesn't say anything! It is what people do when you care about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their brains haven’t even finished developing yet. I would not support my adult kids getting married or engaged before 25.

DH and I got married at 22. We are 55. Married 33 years.

My parents got married at 21 and 23. They just celebrated 58 years of marriage.

DH's parents got married at 20 and 26. They have been married for 60 years.

My sister got married at 22. Her DH was 23. They have been married for 29 years.

My other sister got married at 19. Her DH was 23. They have been married for almost 30 years.

My oldest got married at 25. His wife was 22. They have been married for seven years.

...Given the divorce rate in this country, our "brains" seem to have been more mature than most.

It's far more likely that you are part of a family/culture that just stays married no matter how unhappy you are or how dysfunctional your marriage is. The metric we are looking to measure is not longevity, it's satisfaction/happy/functional.
The two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, nor are they necessarily synonymous.

Some people stay married no matter what - abuse, infidelity, etc. - and one thing that is going largely unsaid here is that sometimes people who marry young don't know BAD when they see it, or have so little independence - financial or emotional - that they can't leave even if they SHOULD leave.

Yeah. No. The women in my family don’t do anything because they are forced. We are all strong, intelligent, educated women. It’s actually laughable to think any of us would stay in an unhappy marriage. DH and I are very happily married. Empty nesters with five adult children. All happy, healthy, educated, with great jobs. If it makes you feel better to believe that everyone who married young is miserable, then you do you.

You beat the odds..well done and we are happy for you. Doesn't mean that this couple will be as happy or successful.

[Anonymous]

I don't know who your niece is, but a good friend from growing up announced the engagement of her just graduated daughter. My friend has been married since just after college and seems pretty happy in her life. She lost her parents early and I've loved watching her and her husband assume the helm of that family. I would NEVER recommend my kids get married at that age, but some of these families seem to have the formula that works. If they get that much longer to go through life with someone they love and respect - then I say they go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece got engaged at 22 to her college boyfriend. They’ve been together since 2 years and known each other for 4 years. He is 22 as well and both are working full time in a big tech company. They feel like they are getting shammed from not only family and friends but even strangers for getting engaged and planning to marry in a year. Is this a thing now like quite shamming of people staying single ir marrying late used to be?

Dh and I met at 20, knew we wanted to marry each other by 22 and finally married at 28. We've been happily married for 22 years. If we could do it all over again, we would've married at 22 and started our family earlier. We are 50 with tweens, which is great in some ways (more $$, more maturity), but not so great in others (worn down, tired, wanting more time to ourselves). I think they should go for it. When you know, you know.

+1

[Anonymous]

There sure are a lot of miserable people here that want others to be miserable as well.

Married at 19, just celebrated 30 years. Happy marriage, 3 great kids, and no I did not get married because I was expecting a child...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their brains haven’t even finished developing yet. I would not support my adult kids getting married or engaged before 25.

DH and I got married at 22. We are 55. Married 33 years.

My parents got married at 21 and 23. They just celebrated 58 years of marriage.

DH's parents got married at 20 and 26. They have been married for 60 years.

My sister got married at 22. Her DH was 23. They have been married for 29 years.

My other sister got married at 19. Her DH was 23. They have been married for almost 30 years.

My oldest got married at 25. His wife was 22. They have been married for seven years.

...Given the divorce rate in this country, our "brains" seem to have been more mature than most.

It's far more likely that you are part of a family/culture that just stays married no matter how unhappy you are or how dysfunctional your marriage is. The metric we are looking to measure is not longevity, it's satisfaction/happy/functional.
The two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, nor are they necessarily synonymous.

Some people stay married no matter what - abuse, infidelity, etc. - and one thing that is going largely unsaid here is that sometimes people who marry young don't know BAD when they see it, or have so little independence - financial or emotional - that they can't leave even if they SHOULD leave.

Yeah. No. The women in my family don’t do anything because they are forced. We are all strong, intelligent, educated women. It’s actually laughable to think any of us would stay in an unhappy marriage. DH and I are very happily married. Empty nesters with five adult children. All happy, healthy, educated, with great jobs. If it makes you feel better to believe that everyone who married young is miserable, then you do you.

You beat the odds..well done and we are happy for you. Doesn't mean that this couple will be as happy or successful.

DP. You don’t appear to understand the odds or that correlation =/= causation. A college educated, affluent couple with family support that gets married at 23 is not really beating the odds. The majority of younger people getting married are probably at a lower socioeconomic class or have to have shotgun weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their brains haven’t even finished developing yet. I would not support my adult kids getting married or engaged before 25.

DH and I got married at 22. We are 55. Married 33 years.

My parents got married at 21 and 23. They just celebrated 58 years of marriage.

DH's parents got married at 20 and 26. They have been married for 60 years.

My sister got married at 22. Her DH was 23. They have been married for 29 years.

My other sister got married at 19. Her DH was 23. They have been married for almost 30 years.

My oldest got married at 25. His wife was 22. They have been married for seven years.

...Given the divorce rate in this country, our "brains" seem to have been more mature than most.

It's far more likely that you are part of a family/culture that just stays married no matter how unhappy you are or how dysfunctional your marriage is. The metric we are looking to measure is not longevity, it's satisfaction/happy/functional.
The two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, nor are they necessarily synonymous.

Some people stay married no matter what - abuse, infidelity, etc. - and one thing that is going largely unsaid here is that sometimes people who marry young don't know BAD when they see it, or have so little independence - financial or emotional - that they can't leave even if they SHOULD leave.

Yeah. No. The women in my family don’t do anything because they are forced. We are all strong, intelligent, educated women. It’s actually laughable to think any of us would stay in an unhappy marriage. DH and I are very happily married. Empty nesters with five adult children. All happy, healthy, educated, with great jobs. If it makes you feel better to believe that everyone who married young is miserable, then you do you.

You beat the odds..well done and we are happy for you. Doesn't mean that this couple will be as happy or successful.

DP. You don’t appear to understand the odds or that correlation =/= causation. A college educated, affluent couple with family support that gets married at 23 is not really beating the odds. The majority of younger people getting married are probably at a lower socioeconomic class or have to have shotgun weddings.

You do know that rich people also get divorced?

https://www.forbes.com/sites/chasewithorn/2021/05/09/bill-gates-divorce-inside-the-billion-dollar-marriages-most-expensive-divorces-bezos-divorce-harold-hamm-check/?sh=1ed6887d7da1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There sure are a lot of miserable people here that want others to be miserable as well.

Married at 19, just celebrated 30 years. Happy marriage, 3 great kids, and no I did not get married because I was expecting a child...

Not miserable. Just glad I did not marry at 22!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I got engaged right after college, and married at age 25. People definitely thought we were weird, and DHs mom told people AT OUR WEDDING that we were too young to get married.

Fifteen years later we are happily married and are proud we got married “young”. We’ve had friends who were single at our wedding get married and divorced already. I really don’t think being young is intrinsically bad.

Time to stop being so smug bc fifteen years is nothing. I say this as someone who got married a few years earlier than you. It’s been 16 years and we haven’t hit the real tough parts yet.

You sound delightful

Personally, I think it’s great. I know a few couples who were together starting in HS/college and are happily married now (late 30s). I think the notion that you have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find your “one” is misguided and just untrue. I would be happy if my children married young. We put the responsibilities of life off too long in this culture and it’s fair to say the 20s are now a sort of extended adolescence, and it’s pathetic.

And you sound like a fool. Where did I say dating multiple ppl to find “the one” is good?

It’s common sense that post 40 is when ppl have more serious stressors in their life like health issues, aged and dying parents, etc that strain the marriage. It’s arrogant to act like your marriage is so perfect compared to others when you’re not that old yet.

Hmm, you sound awfully miserable, don’t you? Not once did I say my marriage was perfect, only that getting married young did not appear to disadvantage us relative to our peers. And with 15 great years in the bank, I have zero regrets, regardless of what may come.

Getting married young can be great. It’s also ok to get married later in life. Or not at all. Lots of acceptable choices exist, no need to judge.

The only one who was judging is you and now you’re backtracking. Why else would you smugly bring up friends who got married and divorced within the span of your marriage? Arrogant pricks like yourself are usually the miserable ones fyi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their brains haven’t even finished developing yet. I would not support my adult kids getting married or engaged before 25.

^ Stupid.
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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece got engaged at 22 to her college boyfriend. They’ve been together since 2 years and known each other for 4 years. He is 22 as well and both are working full time in a big tech company. They feel like they are getting shammed from not only family and friends but even strangers for getting engaged and planning to marry in a year. Is this a thing now like quite shamming of people staying single ir marrying late used to be?

Dh and I met at 20, knew we wanted to marry each other by 22 and finally married at 28. We've been happily married for 22 years. If we could do it all over again, we would've married at 22 and started our family earlier. We are 50 with tweens, which is great in some ways (more $$, more maturity), but not so great in others (worn down, tired, wanting more time to ourselves). I think they should go for it. When you know, you know.

+1

if you are worn down as tired at 50 you need to improve your health, diet and exercise regime.

Also you married nearly 30 years ago a lot has changed since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are worried about people SHAMING them or using phrases such as " YOu'RE SHAMING US!" They aren't mature enough to be married.

In this day and age the vas majority of 22 year olds aren't mature enough to be married, and no dating someone for 2 years is not a reason to get married.


I would strongly advise against anyone getting married before 27/28.

That said if my niece or anyone else wanted to get married at 22/23, I'd bite my tongue and wish them well. They would only hear anything from me is if I were to bring up legitimate concerns, and as I write this I wonder if what they consider shaming is actually people bringing up legitimate concerns.

Your role, auntie is to be supportive and if there are legitimate concerns, such as maybe the relationship is toxic in some aspects address those.

It sounds like they make good money if they work in tech. They’ve been dating for two years. I’m finding a hard time figuring out what an objective concern would be beyond the shrill “your brains aren’t developed enough!” If someone said that to me I’d be tempted to reply, “well, my brain is developed enough to get hired at higher paying job than you…”

Parents need to let go and accept their babies are adults now.

For an old person you sound like an immature idiot.

Good paying jobs and dating for 2 years are not reasons to marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece got engaged at 22 to her college boyfriend. They’ve been together since 2 years and known each other for 4 years. He is 22 as well and both are working full time in a big tech company. They feel like they are getting shammed from not only family and friends but even strangers for getting engaged and planning to marry in a year. Is this a thing now like quite shamming of people staying single ir marrying late used to be?

Shammed? They are being given pillow cases?

It's a new thing. Instead of a bachelor/ette party or shower, they are "shammed" by friends and family and given all the household things a new couple needs. Like bedding. You haven't been invited to such a party yet?

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see nothing wrong with getting married early - and don't understand the people who say that twenty year olds are supposed to just work and travel. Why can't married twenty year olds work and travel? DH and I started dating when I was 20, married at 24, but held off on having kids until later - we worked on our careers and housing and traveled all over the world before we had our children. We had a blast.

Good for you and no where has anyone said you can't travel while young and married. Haven't you heard the expression "foot loose and fancy free?" This is something I am encouraging my kids to do..learn to live with yourself before you have to consider your spouse's feelings and desires. You make all the decisions yourself.. ( within reason, of course)

now do you get it?

Yes I get it - but I also watched a whole lot of my friends do the "foot loose and fancy free" thing in their twenties remain single into their 30s and then freak out and settle for the wrong person in order to have a family and I am now watching 3 of them have very ugly divorces. If you find your person when you are young, you shouldn't throw away that opportunity in the interest of being self-centered and "free". And, actually, the fact that we weren't so set in our individual ways maybe made it easier for my DH and I to grow and mature TOGETHER.

Get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I think OP is the 22 year old fiancée.

Second, I think what she perceives as shaming (or shamming as she likes to call it) is really just questioning this decision. Shaming someone means telling them that they are inherently bad as a person. My guess is that anything less than “OMG, that’s so wonderful. When can we begin showering you with gifts and attention?” is seen in OP’s eyes as shamming. It’s okay to question someone when they share about a major life decision. Mature people welcome that process. When you’re immature and perhaps lacking in confidence, you perceive any questioning of your decision as some sort of shaming.

Yes, the second point!