Getting shammed for getting engaged at 22

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bill Gates’s daughter went exclusive with boyfriend at 20, got engaged at barely 23 and married at 24.

So?????????/

There is not lesson in your post.

Unless you think all rich people are to be emulated.

But her husband is 30.

Clearly, they are both loaded, so that is a non issue.

Yup. Finances are the real reason, others are just excuses or personal preferences, not valid points.

[Anonymous]

It’s just not financially possible for commoners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What percentage of youngsters in their early 20’s actually has degrees, jobs, income, committed partners, family support, paid off colleges and such? It’s not even an option for 90% of the young population.

You don’t need paid off college to get married! I agree that education, job stability and (in some ways) family support are key.

Well, marrying someone with debt (college or credit or any sort) often eats up marital harmony.

Not all debt is unmanageable or creates financial instability. Huge difference between someone who is paying off consolidated school loans each month with no issue, and someone who irresponsibly uses a credit card for living expenses. It is unrealistic and unnecessary to expect college to be paid off to be married.

Lot of money going towards debt so it’s a problem, no matter which kind of debt.

[Anonymous]

We are all just sharing anecdotal information anyway, so here's mine:

Problem - not knowing good vs. bad because you only have a single data point...
If you meet "love" at 18 and "love" is the only person giving you information about "love." You may be caught in a really dysfunctional relationship and not even know it. Friends and family can try and help you, but you won't listen.
Their "love" from the outside looks a lot like extreme drama and the quasi-abuse, but from the inside, it's normal...because it's all they've ever known.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One big reason not to get married that early is often mental illness doesn't show up until mid-20s.

This happened to both one of my best friends and my H. Both got married at 19, had a child at 20, and then mental illness showed up in their spouses around 23/24. My best friend's now-xH developed bipolar disorder, got fired from multiple jobs for sexual harassment, had affairs, physically and emotionally abused her and their kids, then was arrested, convicted, and put in jail for being violent in public. H's story isn't that bad, but mental illness developed and their child greatly suffered as a result.

Good idea to wait until at least mid-20s to get married, or at least wait that long before having kids so you know exactly what genes they'll be getting.

You’ll be surprised to see number of divorce cases where mental health is mentioned as the cause and most of them were married way after 20’s.

True, but often that's things like anxiety, depression, etc. There may be marital problems, but they can still function as adults and parents, and it's not to the point of trying to kill someone.

But the really serious ones - schizophrenia, bipolar, personality disorders, addictions, psychosis - often don't show up until 20s. And those diseases have HUGE impacts on the spouse and children, try explaining to your kids that daddy is in jail for a long, long time because he has a psychotic break and tried to kill people (exactly what happened to my friend). Plus the financial impact of now having no breadwinner and unable to get a job that pays enough to cover daycare.

How much people really know about each other’s medical problems if they are marrying internet matches or bar finds after dating for 6 months or a year of dating?

It isn’t just medical problems. At 22 and barely out of college, assuming these two are from UMC/MC families, they have likely had zero real responsibility. Showing up to class, graduating, maybe working a part time job. Mom and dad have likely been funding their life until very very recently. At least by mid 20s you have a better idea of things like earning potential, ability to save/budget, multi tasking adult responsibilities, balancing work and home life. 22 is hard to say what kind of an adult someone will grow into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One big reason not to get married that early is often mental illness doesn't show up until mid-20s.

This happened to both one of my best friends and my H. Both got married at 19, had a child at 20, and then mental illness showed up in their spouses around 23/24. My best friend's now-xH developed bipolar disorder, got fired from multiple jobs for sexual harassment, had affairs, physically and emotionally abused her and their kids, then was arrested, convicted, and put in jail for being violent in public. H's story isn't that bad, but mental illness developed and their child greatly suffered as a result.

Good idea to wait until at least mid-20s to get married, or at least wait that long before having kids so you know exactly what genes they'll be getting.

You’ll be surprised to see number of divorce cases where mental health is mentioned as the cause and most of them were married way after 20’s.

True, but often that's things like anxiety, depression, etc. There may be marital problems, but they can still function as adults and parents, and it's not to the point of trying to kill someone.

But the really serious ones - schizophrenia, bipolar, personality disorders, addictions, psychosis - often don't show up until 20s. And those diseases have HUGE impacts on the spouse and children, try explaining to your kids that daddy is in jail for a long, long time because he has a psychotic break and tried to kill people (exactly what happened to my friend). Plus the financial impact of now having no breadwinner and unable to get a job that pays enough to cover daycare.

How much people really know about each other’s medical problems if they are marrying internet matches or bar finds after dating for 6 months or a year of dating?

It isn’t just medical problems. At 22 and barely out of college, assuming these two are from UMC/MC families, they have likely had zero real responsibility. Showing up to class, graduating, maybe working a part time job. Mom and dad have likely been funding their life until very very recently. At least by mid 20s you have a better idea of things like earning potential, ability to save/budget, multi tasking adult responsibilities, balancing work and home life. 22 is hard to say what kind of an adult someone will grow into.

Young adults from emotionally stable and financially stable families often do well with marriages as they face less hurdles (no debt, some inheritance, no family responsibilities, good connections for career growth and social influence) and have good role models.

[Anonymous]

Some good points about the perils of early marriage. I have seen an uptick in UMC or higher kids getting married right away after college. These kids have not student debt. They have good jobs out of college. They get significant financial help often from both sides even after marriage. Who knows what will stick but this is happening in that world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some good points about the perils of early marriage. I have seen an uptick in UMC or higher kids getting married right away after college. These kids have not student debt. They have good jobs out of college. They get significant financial help often from both sides even after marriage. Who knows what will stick but this is happening in that world.

It’s a lonely world, specially since pandemic. If it’s affordable and you love someone, why waste a decade of your prime youth for day until everything is perfect? Why wait for 30’s when random internet dates are weighing you for your salary or bank account?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What percentage of youngsters in their early 20’s actually has degrees, jobs, income, committed partners, family support, paid off colleges and such? It’s not even an option for 90% of the young population.

You don’t need paid off college to get married! I agree that education, job stability and (in some ways) family support are key.

Well, marrying someone with debt (college or credit or any sort) often eats up marital harmony.

Not all debt is unmanageable or creates financial instability. Huge difference between someone who is paying off consolidated school loans each month with no issue, and someone who irresponsibly uses a credit card for living expenses. It is unrealistic and unnecessary to expect college to be paid off to be married.

Lot of money going towards debt so it’s a problem, no matter which kind of debt.

Not all people have trouble paying off student loans, not all student debt is a “lot of money.” A blanket statement that you need to have paid off college before marriage is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

If you are not lucky in love department then wait until you are more accomplished or wealthy so gold diggers can ignore your shortcomings and focus on your bling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What percentage of youngsters in their early 20’s actually has degrees, jobs, income, committed partners, family support, paid off colleges and such? It’s not even an option for 90% of the young population.

You don’t need paid off college to get married! I agree that education, job stability and (in some ways) family support are key.

Well, marrying someone with debt (college or credit or any sort) often eats up marital harmony.

Not all debt is unmanageable or creates financial instability. Huge difference between someone who is paying off consolidated school loans each month with no issue, and someone who irresponsibly uses a credit card for living expenses. It is unrealistic and unnecessary to expect college to be paid off to be married.

Lot of money going towards debt so it’s a problem, no matter which kind of debt.

Not all people have trouble paying off student loans, not all student debt is a “lot of money.” A blanket statement that you need to have paid off college before marriage is ridiculous.

It feels ridiculous to people who have debt and they are in majority so any poll is going to be skewed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some good points about the perils of early marriage. I have seen an uptick in UMC or higher kids getting married right away after college. These kids have not student debt. They have good jobs out of college. They get significant financial help often from both sides even after marriage. Who knows what will stick but this is happening in that world.

It’s a lonely world, specially since pandemic. If it’s affordable and you love someone, why waste a decade of your prime youth for day until everything is perfect? Why wait for 30’s when random internet dates are weighing you for your salary or bank account?

+1

[Anonymous]

Best time to find real love is when you are broke, lots of fair weather lovers for once you make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some good points about the perils of early marriage. I have seen an uptick in UMC or higher kids getting married right away after college. These kids have not student debt. They have good jobs out of college. They get significant financial help often from both sides even after marriage. Who knows what will stick but this is happening in that world.

Would be curious to see if this really does show up in the survey data and isn’t just your friend group.

[Anonymous]

It’s a moot discussion because this forum is for people of a certain age who already have children.