Getting shammed for getting engaged at 22

[Anonymous]

Parents are usually against early marriages because they don’t want to be the part of financial consequences.

[Anonymous]

Bill Gates’s daughter went exclusive with boyfriend at 20, got engaged at barely 23 and married at 24.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What percentage of youngsters in their early 20’s actually has degrees, jobs, income, committed partners, family support, paid off colleges and such? It’s not even an option for 90% of the young population.

You don’t need paid off college to get married! I agree that education, job stability and (in some ways) family support are key.

Well, marrying someone with debt (college or credit or any sort) often eats up marital harmony.

Not all debt is unmanageable or creates financial instability. Huge difference between someone who is paying off consolidated school loans each month with no issue, and someone who irresponsibly uses a credit card for living expenses. It is unrealistic and unnecessary to expect college to be paid off to be married.

[Anonymous]

They are not being shamed. People (who are more experienced in life) are just questioning whether they would benefit from seeing the world a bit before tying themselves to one person/future for life.

No one can control them. People are just being honest about what they would advise. That is not shaming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bill Gates’s daughter went exclusive with boyfriend at 20, got engaged at barely 23 and married at 24.

So?????????/

There is not lesson in your post.

Unless you think all rich people are to be emulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One big reason not to get married that early is often mental illness doesn't show up until mid-20s.

This happened to both one of my best friends and my H. Both got married at 19, had a child at 20, and then mental illness showed up in their spouses around 23/24. My best friend's now-xH developed bipolar disorder, got fired from multiple jobs for sexual harassment, had affairs, physically and emotionally abused her and their kids, then was arrested, convicted, and put in jail for being violent in public. H's story isn't that bad, but mental illness developed and their child greatly suffered as a result.

Good idea to wait until at least mid-20s to get married, or at least wait that long before having kids so you know exactly what genes they'll be getting.

Fair

[Anonymous]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg got married at 21.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are not being shamed. People (who are more experienced in life) are just questioning whether they would benefit from seeing the world a bit before tying themselves to one person/future for life.

No one can control them. People are just being honest about what they would advise. That is not shaming.

You don’t know that they aren’t being shamed. I agree that it’s fair for close friends and family to express concern or ask questions if coming from a caring place and willing to discuss not lecture. Certainly not the business of a stranger as OP reports, or for friends to speak up if they aren’t really good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ruth Bader Ginsburg got married at 21.

Sonia Sotomayor at 22.

[Anonymous]

My mom, who is RBG’s age, also got married at 22. The only young person I know who got married at that age is in a weird controlling relationship with someone from a fundy church who made him cut off his relationship with his non-fundy family and friends.
It’s so atypical among college education youth at this point that it raises a red flag of “why?” to me. Even the people I know who started dating at 20 (or even at 16) waited until 25 to get married just so they basically could see what they were getting as far as an adult. How someone acted in HS or college is not necessarily indicative of the adult they will be, because life changes a lot when you need to live like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One big reason not to get married that early is often mental illness doesn't show up until mid-20s.

This happened to both one of my best friends and my H. Both got married at 19, had a child at 20, and then mental illness showed up in their spouses around 23/24. My best friend's now-xH developed bipolar disorder, got fired from multiple jobs for sexual harassment, had affairs, physically and emotionally abused her and their kids, then was arrested, convicted, and put in jail for being violent in public. H's story isn't that bad, but mental illness developed and their child greatly suffered as a result.

Good idea to wait until at least mid-20s to get married, or at least wait that long before having kids so you know exactly what genes they'll be getting.

Fair

If you plan to have children, get genetic counseling before marriage, no matter at what age you marry. Most children with medical problem are born to mothers of 35+ and of teen mothers marrying cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One big reason not to get married that early is often mental illness doesn't show up until mid-20s.

This happened to both one of my best friends and my H. Both got married at 19, had a child at 20, and then mental illness showed up in their spouses around 23/24. My best friend's now-xH developed bipolar disorder, got fired from multiple jobs for sexual harassment, had affairs, physically and emotionally abused her and their kids, then was arrested, convicted, and put in jail for being violent in public. H's story isn't that bad, but mental illness developed and their child greatly suffered as a result.

Good idea to wait until at least mid-20s to get married, or at least wait that long before having kids so you know exactly what genes they'll be getting.

You’ll be surprised to see number of divorce cases where mental health is mentioned as the cause and most of them were married way after 20’s.

True, but often that's things like anxiety, depression, etc. There may be marital problems, but they can still function as adults and parents, and it's not to the point of trying to kill someone.

But the really serious ones - schizophrenia, bipolar, personality disorders, addictions, psychosis - often don't show up until 20s. And those diseases have HUGE impacts on the spouse and children, try explaining to your kids that daddy is in jail for a long, long time because he has a psychotic break and tried to kill people (exactly what happened to my friend). Plus the financial impact of now having no breadwinner and unable to get a job that pays enough to cover daycare.

[Anonymous]

Let’s not forget that 20-30 is an ideal age for having children so this is nature’s opinion about ideal marriage or reproduction age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bill Gates’s daughter went exclusive with boyfriend at 20, got engaged at barely 23 and married at 24.

So?????????/

There is not lesson in your post.

Unless you think all rich people are to be emulated.

But her husband is 30.

Clearly, they are both loaded, so that is a non issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One big reason not to get married that early is often mental illness doesn't show up until mid-20s.

This happened to both one of my best friends and my H. Both got married at 19, had a child at 20, and then mental illness showed up in their spouses around 23/24. My best friend's now-xH developed bipolar disorder, got fired from multiple jobs for sexual harassment, had affairs, physically and emotionally abused her and their kids, then was arrested, convicted, and put in jail for being violent in public. H's story isn't that bad, but mental illness developed and their child greatly suffered as a result.

Good idea to wait until at least mid-20s to get married, or at least wait that long before having kids so you know exactly what genes they'll be getting.

You’ll be surprised to see number of divorce cases where mental health is mentioned as the cause and most of them were married way after 20’s.

True, but often that's things like anxiety, depression, etc. There may be marital problems, but they can still function as adults and parents, and it's not to the point of trying to kill someone.

But the really serious ones - schizophrenia, bipolar, personality disorders, addictions, psychosis - often don't show up until 20s. And those diseases have HUGE impacts on the spouse and children, try explaining to your kids that daddy is in jail for a long, long time because he has a psychotic break and tried to kill people (exactly what happened to my friend). Plus the financial impact of now having no breadwinner and unable to get a job that pays enough to cover daycare.

How much people really know about each other’s medical problems if they are marrying internet matches or bar finds after dating for 6 months or a year of dating?