I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you left it too late to set boundaries - both historically and in terms of this holiday. You had this conversation when? Yesterday?

they will feel unwelcome in your home now. Well done.
You achieved exactly zero.

Except she made herself the bad guy and looks ungracious and hostile to boot. I'd say this was a slam dunk by the MIL and the funny thing is the OP did it all to herself. Score for MIL!!!!

DP. It’s quite odd that you view family relationships as competitions where one person “scores” on another in their interactions.

[Anonymous]

Just be prepared for the stories about their 3 hours of limbo at McDonalds- how aggressive the panhandler are, how jittery they are from the 3 cups of coffee they felt guilted into drinking, how the manager asked them if everything was ok, and they explained the whole situation, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Christmas is not about you and your personal time. It’s a day for family. Who cares if your in laws sit around your house while you prep? If your life is so “crazy hard” that Xmas is your only day to yourself, then I think the problem is your life and not your in laws.

We don’t know that they would be sitting around. My own mom is a hurricane from the moment she walks through the door. One time she talked me into hosting a family event while 6 months pregnant and working full-time (I know) by promising to help me prep. When she arrived (late) she wanted lunch, a manicure, and by the time she was done yakking it was 9pm and she had already watched me wash all the china, iron the linens, etc. If you’ve never been pregnant, 9pm may as well be midnight.

So this is why it can be important to have boundaries….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I recommend that you have a response ready in case your MIL says something when she comes to your house. She is still learning about your boundaries, so don't be surprised if she says something like "Well, we would have liked to come earlier. I hope our later arrival helped your mental health."

In this instance, I think less is more. Just respond "Yup!" and move along. Do NOT give an explanation for why you wanted them to come later. It is your house, you set the boundaries. You don't need to explain yourself to others.

Good luck!

Yeah if she says something snarky like the above "Hope this helped your mental health", I would respond cheerfully "Yes, it did! Thank you so much! I'm grateful for the time I had to prepare. Can I get you something to drink, Lois?"

[Anonymous]

I think all of these DIL vs MIL over the top posts are fake. Like the troll who keeps posting about her phony boyfriend/fiance birthday dinner drama. The DIL always paints herself as the saint against the cartoon villain MIL.

[Anonymous]

The crazies are out today! You reacted fine OP. Even though they are relatives, they are guests in your home and YOU get to choose the time they are invited. On a fun note, let’s bet how early the in-laws will show up. I say around 3 PM, due to cloudiness—looked dark to her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be prepared with some replies OP!

Usually just saying “Okay.” And cheerfully letting things roll off your back works well to deflate these types of comments. Think of it as a game. She’s trying to needle you and you can’t let her win.

One or two times during the visit you could look concerned and say simply. “How are you doing Barb? Is everything okay health wise?” Follow up with “it’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it now.” You could reframe how you talk about it to your husband too: “Has MIL seen a doctor recently? She seemed really afraid to drive in the afternoon.” Mention that a friend said one of the early signs of dementia in her mom was rigidity with schedules and insisting on dropping mail directly at the post office first thing in the morning.” Things like that.


So ypu are suggesting that op become like her MIL? I think op should rise above it and not be churlish or childish.
Play the game. I guarantee “Concern” will annoy her much more than anything else you could say.

NP here. I liked PP's advice but I'm a petty b!tc# and I own it.

Op - I actually do like my mil And am concerned about her and don’t want them to drive in the dark if they don’t want to. I work crazy hard and have had a difficult year and 24th is the only day I have off work which isn’t full family or travel (we go to my parents on Sunday). I just wanted some space and genuinely do need to protect my mental health a bit. Mil knows we have had a hard year (dh laid off twice and other health factors) so I’m just bummed that she would feel the need to push on this and make it personal. It’s not personal I’m just trying to keep my head above water and also it should be fine for humans to communicate about a convenient time for a guest to arrive without guilt

LOL. Now the sob story commences. OP is like Marie Antoinnette: "But, but ... I only meant for them to eat cake AFTER eating a full and hearty meal with lots of vegetables and protein ... " Sigh.

This is how you know you're dealing with a TROLL or CH, folks. When someone comes on, posts and is clearly in the wrong, seeking validation, and then keeps unfolding with little tidbits of information that are supposed to make us feel sorry for her. Some bored loser with a drama addiction.

DP. You are certifiably batshit, and probably emotionally abusive to your own family. The additional details OP shared are completely consistent with her original comment about working full time and needing the day to prepare in peace. And she’s not clearly in the wrong given the number of people in the discussion who agree with her.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP- I don't know why you are getting a hard time here. But I do suggest having your husband tell them next time.

You did nothing wrong, now get off DCUM and avoid reading what these people have to say.

AND ONE MORE TIME, OP SAID 4PM WAS OK TO ARRIVE. IT ISN'T DARK AT 4 PM. MY GOD LEARN TO READ

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be prepared with some replies OP!

Usually just saying “Okay.” And cheerfully letting things roll off your back works well to deflate these types of comments. Think of it as a game. She’s trying to needle you and you can’t let her win.

One or two times during the visit you could look concerned and say simply. “How are you doing Barb? Is everything okay health wise?” Follow up with “it’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it now.” You could reframe how you talk about it to your husband too: “Has MIL seen a doctor recently? She seemed really afraid to drive in the afternoon.” Mention that a friend said one of the early signs of dementia in her mom was rigidity with schedules and insisting on dropping mail directly at the post office first thing in the morning.” Things like that.


So ypu are suggesting that op become like her MIL? I think op should rise above it and not be churlish or childish.
Play the game. I guarantee “Concern” will annoy her much more than anything else you could say.

NP here. I liked PP's advice but I'm a petty b!tc# and I own it.

Op - I actually do like my mil And am concerned about her and don’t want them to drive in the dark if they don’t want to. I work crazy hard and have had a difficult year and 24th is the only day I have off work which isn’t full family or travel (we go to my parents on Sunday). I just wanted some space and genuinely do need to protect my mental health a bit. Mil knows we have had a hard year (dh laid off twice and other health factors) so I’m just bummed that she would feel the need to push on this and make it personal. It’s not personal I’m just trying to keep my head above water and also it should be fine for humans to communicate about a convenient time for a guest to arrive without guilt

LOL. Now the sob story commences. OP is like Marie Antoinnette: "But, but ... I only meant for them to eat cake AFTER eating a full and hearty meal with lots of vegetables and protein ... " Sigh.

This is how you know you're dealing with a TROLL or CH, folks. When someone comes on, posts and is clearly in the wrong, seeking validation, and then keeps unfolding with little tidbits of information that are supposed to make us feel sorry for her. Some bored loser with a drama addiction.

A lot of people got laid off this year or otherwise had a hard year. This comment is terrible.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe you weren't well prepared when you had this conversation, you could perhaps have simply made it about how you've been stressed and rather than needing to do preparations you really needed some alone time so you could be a good host, or something like that.

Also, take a moment and look at what you wrote: "they made me feel bad". If you think hard about it, that's not a logical thing to believe. If you change it to "now I feel bad" you are one step closer to control of those feelings as well as finding strategies for such situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs OP- I don't know why you are getting a hard time here. But I do suggest having your husband tell them next time.

You did nothing wrong, now get off DCUM and avoid reading what these people have to say.

AND ONE MORE TIME, OP SAID 4PM WAS OK TO ARRIVE. IT ISN'T DARK AT 4 PM. MY GOD LEARN TO READ

OP is getting a hard time here because emotionally abusive people don’t limit their abuse to in-person interactions. They need to abuse OP to justify their own bad behavior with their own family.

[Anonymous]

Just be prepared for the stories about their 3 hours of limbo at McDonalds- how aggressive the panhandler are, how jittery they are from the 3 cups of coffee they felt guilted into drinking, how the manager asked them if everything was ok, and they explained the whole situation, etc.

NP. You clearly know my parents.

[Anonymous]

I should add that MIL was clearly unprepared, and hurt, by OP's explanation, and what she said was tactless at best but she probably regrets it even if she also feels hurt.

Instead of needling back like someone proposed, just do what you can to make tomorrow evening warm and welcoming (which will also show that the down time has a tangible benefit for everyone)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs OP- I don't know why you are getting a hard time here. But I do suggest having your husband tell them next time.

You did nothing wrong, now get off DCUM and avoid reading what these people have to say.

AND ONE MORE TIME, OP SAID 4PM WAS OK TO ARRIVE. IT ISN'T DARK AT 4 PM. MY GOD LEARN TO READ

OP is getting a hard time here because emotionally abusive people don’t limit their abuse to in-person interactions. They need to abuse OP to justify their own bad behavior with their own family.

Oh for heaven's sake, MIL is not emotionally abusive because she made a snide comment about not being able to come earlier like they have every other time. It was obnoxious but let's not elevate every instance of a family member being ungracious or unkind to abuse.

OP, it's fine to be annoyed at this comment but just brush it off. She thinks you're being silly because family should be no pressure, you think hosting always comes with some pressure and it can't be 24/7, the goal here is that she sticks to the boundary. She's not in charge of your feelings. Let DH handle the next conversation about it so you don't have to deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs OP- I don't know why you are getting a hard time here. But I do suggest having your husband tell them next time.

You did nothing wrong, now get off DCUM and avoid reading what these people have to say.

AND ONE MORE TIME, OP SAID 4PM WAS OK TO ARRIVE. IT ISN'T DARK AT 4 PM. MY GOD LEARN TO READ

OP is getting a hard time here because emotionally abusive people don’t limit their abuse to in-person interactions. They need to abuse OP to justify their own bad behavior with their own family.

Oh for heaven's sake, MIL is not emotionally abusive because she made a snide comment about not being able to come earlier like they have every other time. It was obnoxious but let's not elevate every instance of a family member being ungracious or unkind to abuse.

OP, it's fine to be annoyed at this comment but just brush it off. She thinks you're being silly because family should be no pressure, you think hosting always comes with some pressure and it can't be 24/7, the goal here is that she sticks to the boundary. She's not in charge of your feelings. Let DH handle the next conversation about it so you don't have to deal.

OP was completely reasonable to ask for a specific arrival time. MIL is being a pill. Yes, DH should deliver the message but he's shown he's not willing to do it so OP should keep setting the boundaries she needs and let go of any expectation that MIL will not be rude about it. Really, these things only get the "setting boundaries" label when it's about something you know will be an issue with the other party so kind of by definition you are going to get blowback until they get used to the new status quo.