The problem with dating in my 30s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the earlier poster about how things have changed since I dated (in DC). I know lots of women in their 30s who have met and married very successfully, in DC. You are always going to find lots of men claiming they have an upper hand in dating - feel free to believe it if you want. But it’s to your detriment if you do. And if you prefer to have a negative outlook on your life (dating or otherwise), feel free but I don’t think it will help you compared to thinking positively. And a negative view of life is more likely to be why others don’t want to date you - not your age….

They met and married because they compromised. That is what we're saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly shocked at this thread. I’m Arab living in DC and admittedly have limited insight into other cultures (including the dominant white people culture). I never would have thought that white men also have an issue with women in their thirties, I thought that was something cultures like ours have to deal with. Why is this the case? When I was husband hunting (I say it as it is!) I frequently wished I was a white girl, not because of looks (I’m attractive and attracted men of races other than mine but that wasn’t an option) but because I was envious of the wide pool that I assumed white women in their thirties have access to. I ended up making a rational decision by marrying someone who, while I wasn’t head over heels over and isn’t as successful as I was shooting for, has a good job, comes from upper class family (important in our culture) and is a good person.

Does your husband know you never were enthusiastic about him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the earlier poster about how things have changed since I dated (in DC). I know lots of women in their 30s who have met and married very successfully, in DC. You are always going to find lots of men claiming they have an upper hand in dating - feel free to believe it if you want. But it’s to your detriment if you do. And if you prefer to have a negative outlook on your life (dating or otherwise), feel free but I don’t think it will help you compared to thinking positively. And a negative view of life is more likely to be why others don’t want to date you - not your age….

They met and married because they compromised. That is what we're saying.

Agreed. Compromise is very important. I just don’t want women thinking they are less desirable than men in their 30s. Just a ridiculous idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the earlier poster about how things have changed since I dated (in DC). I know lots of women in their 30s who have met and married very successfully, in DC. You are always going to find lots of men claiming they have an upper hand in dating - feel free to believe it if you want. But it’s to your detriment if you do. And if you prefer to have a negative outlook on your life (dating or otherwise), feel free but I don’t think it will help you compared to thinking positively. And a negative view of life is more likely to be why others don’t want to date you - not your age….

They met and married because they compromised. That is what we're saying.

Agreed. Compromise is very important. I just don’t want women thinking they are less desirable than men in their 30s. Just a ridiculous idea.

Ridiculous as it may be the reality hurt sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I am recently divorced 43 yo and I had a 16 year long marriage and one child. From my own experience, I would never compromise again just to have a family or a partner. I get a lot of adult communication at work. A family is my parents and kids: men come and go.

I am on the waitlist for adoption but won’t remarry to “compromise”. I am independently wealthy after the divorce ($4mm net worth). Wonder if all these women want marriage for financial stability as prime reason.

[Anonymous]

A girlfriend of mine (mid 30s at the time) used to wander up to eligible looking guys, like say in a bar or restaurant, and say "Who farted?" as a conversation starter. She said it would give them a conspiratorial-type relationship from the get-go. Now very happily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am recently divorced 43 yo and I had a 16 year long marriage and one child. From my own experience, I would never compromise again just to have a family or a partner. I get a lot of adult communication at work. A family is my parents and kids: men come and go.

I am on the waitlist for adoption but won’t remarry to “compromise”. I am independently wealthy after the divorce ($4mm net worth). Wonder if all these women want marriage for financial stability as prime reason.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am recently divorced 43 yo and I had a 16 year long marriage and one child. From my own experience, I would never compromise again just to have a family or a partner. I get a lot of adult communication at work. A family is my parents and kids: men come and go.

I am on the waitlist for adoption but won’t remarry to “compromise”. I am independently wealthy after the divorce ($4mm net worth). Wonder if all these women want marriage for financial stability as prime reason.

So you got married at 27. So you actually have no idea what it's like to be single and mid 30s and looking at your fertility dwindle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am recently divorced 43 yo and I had a 16 year long marriage and one child. From my own experience, I would never compromise again just to have a family or a partner. I get a lot of adult communication at work. A family is my parents and kids: men come and go.

I am on the waitlist for adoption but won’t remarry to “compromise”. I am independently wealthy after the divorce ($4mm net worth). Wonder if all these women want marriage for financial stability as prime reason.

So you got married at 27. So you actually have no idea what it's like to be single and mid 30s and looking at your fertility dwindle.

I do know this from own experience: yes, I got married at 27 to the first one who proposed. I had fertility issues and we did an IVF. Yes, he happened to be successful and wealthy but at the same time with serious character flaws. I had back thoughts prior to wedding but did not cancel - I wanted to get pregnant ASAP

Girls, don’t get married to a “compromise”, when you see red flags or have back thoughts. This will only result in a bitter divorce with children involved. Get a donor and have a baby if your clock is ticking. A boyfriend or a husband can appear later in your life. Getting married and having kids are unrelated things. Marriage is a serious legal contract - you don’t want to give custody to your future kids to someone who was a “rushed” choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is the worst of DCUM, and I’m sorry for IP that she sought out advice here because what she got only reinforces her self-defeating, unhealthy, negative perceptions.

IRL I know single women in their 30s through 50s who are dating nice, normal men. OP needs to get these negative voices out of her head and just be herself, and live her life.
I’m not saying it’s bit wise to open her mind to men she might not have previously considered, or whatever “list” of requirements she may have had, but there’s no reason she should see herself as a washed-up, over-the-hill nobody who needs to settle for someone “who has no other options.” I mean, WTF - would the PP really give that advice to someone she cared about? The responses seem cruel and baggage-laden.

I'm one of the PPs and I would absolutely give that advice to someone I care about, and have. My single friends are all single for one reason: unrealistic standards and expectations, especially in DC. We lie to women in our society and make them think they can focus on career and then wave a magic wand when they're "ready" and Prince Charming will be waiting in a coffee shop. Or, they have an absurdly long list of requirements.

I'm a married woman in my mid 30s, from DC. Those of you who ARENT mid 30s and dating/married in DC? You have NO idea what you're talking about.

PP here and I don’t disagree with your advice. I *do* disagree with PP’s advice that the 30-something woman will have to settle for someone with “no other options.” I cannot imagine you would give that advice to someone whose well-being you care about.

That poster didn't say "no other options" they said "without options", as in these men don't have women falling at their feet. I also disagree with that term, but agree with the sentiment. My friends who have recently gotten married or started seriously dating someone, the men were: rich but fat and have a drinking problem; divorced; blue collar but happened to live in DC. They are all compromising. My friends who are refusing to compromise? Single.

You think women should settle for someone with a drinking problem just to get married? I’m glad you weren’t my friend when I was single! Your advice would’ve been hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am recently divorced 43 yo and I had a 16 year long marriage and one child. From my own experience, I would never compromise again just to have a family or a partner. I get a lot of adult communication at work. A family is my parents and kids: men come and go.

I am on the waitlist for adoption but won’t remarry to “compromise”. I am independently wealthy after the divorce ($4mm net worth). Wonder if all these women want marriage for financial stability as prime reason.

So you got married at 27. So you actually have no idea what it's like to be single and mid 30s and looking at your fertility dwindle.

I do know this from own experience: yes, I got married at 27 to the first one who proposed. I had fertility issues and we did an IVF. Yes, he happened to be successful and wealthy but at the same time with serious character flaws. I had back thoughts prior to wedding but did not cancel - I wanted to get pregnant ASAP

Girls, don’t get married to a “compromise”, when you see red flags or have back thoughts. This will only result in a bitter divorce with children involved. Get a donor and have a baby if your clock is ticking. A boyfriend or a husband can appear later in your life. Getting married and having kids are unrelated things. Marriage is a serious legal contract - you don’t want to give custody to your future kids to someone who was a “rushed” choice.

+1000 This.

Same thing happened to me. Married a successful, wealthy guy and ignored the red flags because "compromise!" and "you're getting older!"

Huge, huge, huge mistake. Now divorced after years of emotional abuse, but even after divorce, the abuse continues. And the ones who have suffered the most are our kids.

My advice to women is focus on your own career and use a donor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is the worst of DCUM, and I’m sorry for IP that she sought out advice here because what she got only reinforces her self-defeating, unhealthy, negative perceptions.

IRL I know single women in their 30s through 50s who are dating nice, normal men. OP needs to get these negative voices out of her head and just be herself, and live her life.
I’m not saying it’s bit wise to open her mind to men she might not have previously considered, or whatever “list” of requirements she may have had, but there’s no reason she should see herself as a washed-up, over-the-hill nobody who needs to settle for someone “who has no other options.” I mean, WTF - would the PP really give that advice to someone she cared about? The responses seem cruel and baggage-laden.

I'm one of the PPs and I would absolutely give that advice to someone I care about, and have. My single friends are all single for one reason: unrealistic standards and expectations, especially in DC. We lie to women in our society and make them think they can focus on career and then wave a magic wand when they're "ready" and Prince Charming will be waiting in a coffee shop. Or, they have an absurdly long list of requirements.

I'm a married woman in my mid 30s, from DC. Those of you who ARENT mid 30s and dating/married in DC? You have NO idea what you're talking about.

PP here and I don’t disagree with your advice. I *do* disagree with PP’s advice that the 30-something woman will have to settle for someone with “no other options.” I cannot imagine you would give that advice to someone whose well-being you care about.

That poster didn't say "no other options" they said "without options", as in these men don't have women falling at their feet. I also disagree with that term, but agree with the sentiment. My friends who have recently gotten married or started seriously dating someone, the men were: rich but fat and have a drinking problem; divorced; blue collar but happened to live in DC. They are all compromising. My friends who are refusing to compromise? Single.

You think women should settle for someone with a drinking problem just to get married? I’m glad you weren’t my friend when I was single! Your advice would’ve been hurtful.

Seriously. Your friends who recently got married to men with drinking problems as a compromise will end up divorced, and if they have kids, those kids will be messed up from having an unstable, alcoholic father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am recently divorced 43 yo and I had a 16 year long marriage and one child. From my own experience, I would never compromise again just to have a family or a partner. I get a lot of adult communication at work. A family is my parents and kids: men come and go.

I am on the waitlist for adoption but won’t remarry to “compromise”. I am independently wealthy after the divorce ($4mm net worth). Wonder if all these women want marriage for financial stability as prime reason.

So you got married at 27. So you actually have no idea what it's like to be single and mid 30s and looking at your fertility dwindle.

I do know this from own experience: yes, I got married at 27 to the first one who proposed. I had fertility issues and we did an IVF. Yes, he happened to be successful and wealthy but at the same time with serious character flaws. I had back thoughts prior to wedding but did not cancel - I wanted to get pregnant ASAP

Girls, don’t get married to a “compromise”, when you see red flags or have back thoughts. This will only result in a bitter divorce with children involved. Get a donor and have a baby if your clock is ticking. A boyfriend or a husband can appear later in your life. Getting married and having kids are unrelated things. Marriage is a serious legal contract - you don’t want to give custody to your future kids to someone who was a “rushed” choice.

You really don't get it. You have never had to make the choice, you got married and had kids "young". Don't dole out advice unless you have been 35, unmarried and wanting a baby. You have no idea what you're talking about and frankly it's offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not all guys like thin. I don’t want fat, but I have zero attraction to thin woman. My point is checking off your boxes of what you assume man wants isn’t going to get you anywhere.

You need to focus on what you want not what you have going for you. Let him decide if what you have going for you checks his boxes.

There is only fat or thin so if you don't want thin you fell for the fat pride era of 2021 where a size xl in the 90s is a size medium today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am recently divorced 43 yo and I had a 16 year long marriage and one child. From my own experience, I would never compromise again just to have a family or a partner. I get a lot of adult communication at work. A family is my parents and kids: men come and go.

I am on the waitlist for adoption but won’t remarry to “compromise”. I am independently wealthy after the divorce ($4mm net worth). Wonder if all these women want marriage for financial stability as prime reason.

So you got married at 27. So you actually have no idea what it's like to be single and mid 30s and looking at your fertility dwindle.

I do know this from own experience: yes, I got married at 27 to the first one who proposed. I had fertility issues and we did an IVF. Yes, he happened to be successful and wealthy but at the same time with serious character flaws. I had back thoughts prior to wedding but did not cancel - I wanted to get pregnant ASAP

Girls, don’t get married to a “compromise”, when you see red flags or have back thoughts. This will only result in a bitter divorce with children involved. Get a donor and have a baby if your clock is ticking. A boyfriend or a husband can appear later in your life. Getting married and having kids are unrelated things. Marriage is a serious legal contract - you don’t want to give custody to your future kids to someone who was a “rushed” choice.

You really don't get it. You have never had to make the choice, you got married and had kids "young". Don't dole out advice unless you have been 35, unmarried and wanting a baby. You have no idea what you're talking about and frankly it's offensive.

I do get it. All my girlfriends married at 19-22 to local men. I am from a different country where marrying at 27 is considered very late. Similar to 35 in DC. I was married off to my wealthy American exH by my parents, because of that pressure “you are getting old”. I had a great career back then but was forced to “compromise”.
A result was a bitter divorce 16 years later and a traumatized teen son who is now bouncing between 2 parents.

If I was US born 35 yo woman with a great career and no parental pressure to marry, I would have used a donor. How is that offensive to recommend women adopt or have a donor baby ? There is nothing offensive in a natural desire to get pregnant and give birth