The problem with dating in my 30s

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all guys like thin. I don’t want fat, but I have zero attraction to thin woman. My point is checking off your boxes of what you assume man wants isn’t going to get you anywhere.

You need to focus on what you want not what you have going for you. Let him decide if what you have going for you checks his boxes.

I think she was trying to preemptively counter the jerks on this site to ask women if they’re fat.

Yes, this. Same reason why I pre-empted with the comment about my career and job. I was fully expecting to be met with "just don't be fat" comments and "men care about looks, not your career." I'm thin but not waiflike, FWIW. About 5'5, 118. Really into fitness. Stable, middle class income though not career OBSESSED... I can support myself and not looking for a man to pay all my bills. I am hoping for a life partner, and I do have a feminine, nurturing side if I try not to let my cynicism overtake my demeanor.

What kinds of guys are you dating OP

Guys that are adults, have their lives together, are fun and interesting and kind, that I am attracted to.

I just feel that when a man is reasonably attractive and normal (not overly introverted and awkward), and appears to be interested in more than a hookup, then there is some kind of a catch or a reason why they aren't taken. Mainly because of the ratio of eligible men to women in this area. There are of course plenty of single men between 30 and 45, but about 75% of them are either taking bathroom mirror selfies or, even if reasonably attractive, are extremely socially awkward and apparently have no friends (even if they've lived here for 10+ years) and rarely leave their basements and computer screens. If you are into East Asian/South Asian men who work in tech and spend their days gaming or programming and never see the light of day, then the dating market is all yours. (Nothing against Asian men, it's the basement/24-7 screen time lifestyle that I find incompatible, and this is the demographic that comes up the most among single men). When I come across someone who does seem to have a life outside of work and computer screens, I wonder why they arent' snatched up by someone younger.

[Anonymous]

There is no “catch.” Just as how you are single because of unique idiosyncratic life circumstances and experiences, so are others, including men.

Stop over analyzing things on your hamster wheel and you will find more success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all guys like thin. I don’t want fat, but I have zero attraction to thin woman. My point is checking off your boxes of what you assume man wants isn’t going to get you anywhere.

You need to focus on what you want not what you have going for you. Let him decide if what you have going for you checks his boxes.

I think she was trying to preemptively counter the jerks on this site to ask women if they’re fat.

Yes, this. Same reason why I pre-empted with the comment about my career and job. I was fully expecting to be met with "just don't be fat" comments and "men care about looks, not your career." I'm thin but not waiflike, FWIW. About 5'5, 118. Really into fitness. Stable, middle class income though not career OBSESSED... I can support myself and not looking for a man to pay all my bills. I am hoping for a life partner, and I do have a feminine, nurturing side if I try not to let my cynicism overtake my demeanor.

What kinds of guys are you dating OP

Guys that are adults, have their lives together, are fun and interesting and kind, that I am attracted to.

I just feel that when a man is reasonably attractive and normal (not overly introverted and awkward), and appears to be interested in more than a hookup, then there is some kind of a catch or a reason why they aren't taken. Mainly because of the ratio of eligible men to women in this area. There are of course plenty of single men between 30 and 45, but about 75% of them are either taking bathroom mirror selfies or, even if reasonably attractive, are extremely socially awkward and apparently have no friends (even if they've lived here for 10+ years) and rarely leave their basements and computer screens. If you are into East Asian/South Asian men who work in tech and spend their days gaming or programming and never see the light of day, then the dating market is all yours. (Nothing against Asian men, it's the basement/24-7 screen time lifestyle that I find incompatible, and this is the demographic that comes up the most among single men). When I come across someone who does seem to have a life outside of work and computer screens, I wonder why they arent' snatched up by someone younger.

Why not move to somewhere like Boulder?

[Anonymous]

I know a woman in her 50s who is thin and not at all unattractive visually, but never married. She is however, super racist, and her reason for hating her roommate was given as "she's pro-choice". Bigotry and awful to live with are going to trump weight and face for the long term. OP, stop assuming everyone is shallow and tell us what you are like on the inside...

[Anonymous]

Cynicism at any age in a big turn off for men. I happen to love my snarky, sarcastic, cynical girlfriends, but first of all, I'm a woman, and they all got married in their twenties. Be careful not to let your cynicism come across to men with potential. To them, cynicism smells like bitterness which is akin to being a disappointed old hag, not exactly who they are looking to spend the next decades coming home to. Men are for better or worse simple creatures almost like children: they like to be around happy, positive people who laugh easily and often.

As far as your mindset when dating, of course look for red flags, don't excuse disrespectful behavior, but also stave off feelings of negativity or pessimism by asking, "But what if it all worked out?" It has for millions before you and will happen for millions after you, so why not you?

[Anonymous]

Stop being judgmental!

You are overthinking this. Your job is to go out on as many dates as you can and eliminate as you go. Don’t start picking at good candidates or you’ll end up alone.

[Anonymous]

When I dated women in their thirties it was loud and clear their number one concern was their biological clock ticking. I guess that just makes guys uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of the doomsday attitude, relax and have fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there and dating in your 30s is IDEAL, even if you want children. Please be open to guys in their 40s and 50s and you could have an amazing life. I wish tongs I had known this when I felt like you do now. Instead I married the wrong person to have children and am now divorced at 50, which is much harder.

This is not great advice. Men in their 50s will most likely have kids and an ex-wife to contend with. She shouldn’t have to date men in their 50s. There are also lots of issues with large age gaps like that. Those marriages have a much higher rate of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Op I'm in my mid 30s and have several single friends like you. This is going to sound rude but I mean it kindly: you need to widen your net. The chance of meeting a never married, attractive, successful, outgoing guy in his mid 30s in DC who wants to settle down and get married is approaching nil. They don't exist. You need to be realistic. That means older men, divorced men, unattractive men, you get it. Or, move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I'm in my mid 30s and have several single friends like you. This is going to sound rude but I mean it kindly: you need to widen your net. The chance of meeting a never married, attractive, successful, outgoing guy in his mid 30s in DC who wants to settle down and get married is approaching nil. They don't exist. You need to be realistic. That means older men, divorced men, unattractive men, you get it. Or, move.

Is this true? Not OP, I’m a 33f dating in California and was going to move back to DC to settle down and look for a partner. Right now, I’ve been dating attractive men here in CA multiple times per week, but nothing has panned out yet. Was hoping that moving to DC would help me find men ready to settle down. Nobody has said anything to me about my age yet, and I’m trying to make good decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I'm in my mid 30s and have several single friends like you. This is going to sound rude but I mean it kindly: you need to widen your net. The chance of meeting a never married, attractive, successful, outgoing guy in his mid 30s in DC who wants to settle down and get married is approaching nil. They don't exist. You need to be realistic. That means older men, divorced men, unattractive men, you get it. Or, move.

Is this true? Not OP, I’m a 33f dating in California and was going to move back to DC to settle down and look for a partner. Right now, I’ve been dating attractive men here in CA multiple times per week, but nothing has panned out yet. Was hoping that moving to DC would help me find men ready to settle down. Nobody has said anything to me about my age yet, and I’m trying to make good decisions.

Oh girl. Stay in California. Unless you look like Gisele Bundchen you aren't going to meet anyone in DC, and even if that were the case the guy would have to leave his wife for you, because there are NO ELIGIBLE MEN in DC in their 30s.

I'm from DC, born and raised, lived there for almost all of my life. My family is in DC. Many, many friends. I know the city inside and out. I was single in DC for many years. I hate to say I'm an expert, but I'm an expert. Stay in California.

[Anonymous]

Here's a tip a girlfriend gave me: when speaking with an eligible man, cross your eyes every now and then. Not too much but a few times... maybe every couple of minutes or so. It really helps with creating a spark. Good luck, all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I'm in my mid 30s and have several single friends like you. This is going to sound rude but I mean it kindly: you need to widen your net. The chance of meeting a never married, attractive, successful, outgoing guy in his mid 30s in DC who wants to settle down and get married is approaching nil. They don't exist. You need to be realistic. That means older men, divorced men, unattractive men, you get it. Or, move.

Is this true? Not OP, I’m a 33f dating in California and was going to move back to DC to settle down and look for a partner. Right now, I’ve been dating attractive men here in CA multiple times per week, but nothing has panned out yet. Was hoping that moving to DC would help me find men ready to settle down. Nobody has said anything to me about my age yet, and I’m trying to make good decisions.

Oh girl. Stay in California. Unless you look like Gisele Bundchen you aren't going to meet anyone in DC, and even if that were the case the guy would have to leave his wife for you, because there are NO ELIGIBLE MEN in DC in their 30s.

I'm from DC, born and raised, lived there for almost all of my life. My family is in DC. Many, many friends. I know the city inside and out. I was single in DC for many years. I hate to say I'm an expert, but I'm an expert. Stay in California.

It depends on race. At 33 if you come to dc, you are going to have to compromise on either height, race, baggage, or income.

Pick two

[Anonymous]

I think many PP's are losing the point.

It's not that OP is not meeting eligible men, it's that when she meets the eligible men, she assumes that they are too good to be true and gets paranoid. Basically what you are saying is that her cynicism and instincts are correct, that if she does meet an attractive and eligible man, that her suspicions that are correct that there is something wrong with him.