The problem with dating in my 30s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is the worst of DCUM, and I’m sorry for IP that she sought out advice here because what she got only reinforces her self-defeating, unhealthy, negative perceptions.

IRL I know single women in their 30s through 50s who are dating nice, normal men. OP needs to get these negative voices out of her head and just be herself, and live her life.
I’m not saying it’s bit wise to open her mind to men she might not have previously considered, or whatever “list” of requirements she may have had, but there’s no reason she should see herself as a washed-up, over-the-hill nobody who needs to settle for someone “who has no other options.” I mean, WTF - would the PP really give that advice to someone she cared about? The responses seem cruel and baggage-laden.

I'm one of the PPs and I would absolutely give that advice to someone I care about, and have. My single friends are all single for one reason: unrealistic standards and expectations, especially in DC. We lie to women in our society and make them think they can focus on career and then wave a magic wand when they're "ready" and Prince Charming will be waiting in a coffee shop. Or, they have an absurdly long list of requirements.

I'm a married woman in my mid 30s, from DC. Those of you who ARENT mid 30s and dating/married in DC? You have NO idea what you're talking about.

But the question really wasn't about not having options. OP was about having options, but always assuming that something would go wrong and not trusting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly shocked at this thread. I’m Arab living in DC and admittedly have limited insight into other cultures (including the dominant white people culture). I never would have thought that white men also have an issue with women in their thirties, I thought that was something cultures like ours have to deal with. Why is this the case? When I was husband hunting (I say it as it is!) I frequently wished I was a white girl, not because of looks (I’m attractive and attracted men of races other than mine but that wasn’t an option) but because I was envious of the wide pool that I assumed white women in their thirties have access to. I ended up making a rational decision by marrying someone who, while I wasn’t head over heels over and isn’t as successful as I was shooting for, has a good job, comes from upper class family (important in our culture) and is a good person.

It's a cross cultural thing because it's a biological thing. Men want young(er) women. Why would a man in his late 30s marry a woman in her late 30s when he could marry someone in her late 20s?

No sane older man who has option between 30s vs 20s women would choose the former.

I really don’t see it playing out this way. I’m early/mid 30s and married but my unmarried friends date and enter into relationships with men their age. Some are now engaged/recently married. They are all normal, nice, reasonably successful people. Maybe it’s just the men I know but they seem entirely on board with dating women their age.

Dating women in their 30’s vs marrying a women in their 20’s is very different. If a man has the options he would always go younger. This is why there’s an abundance of middle-age women that are lonely in a dating cycle.

This just really isn’t true, and the fact that you generalize it to all men discredits you completely. I have not observed this in real life, although my community is comprised of nice, normal, middle class people; I’m not in high society. Perhaps it’s different in that realm.

My husband couldn’t have given a F about my age. Both my brothers married women in their 30s and it was a complete non-issue. Most of my girlfriends married in their mid-30s (we were in nyc where there are so many singles of all ages).

Right, and how old are you NOW? When was this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly shocked at this thread. I’m Arab living in DC and admittedly have limited insight into other cultures (including the dominant white people culture). I never would have thought that white men also have an issue with women in their thirties, I thought that was something cultures like ours have to deal with. Why is this the case? When I was husband hunting (I say it as it is!) I frequently wished I was a white girl, not because of looks (I’m attractive and attracted men of races other than mine but that wasn’t an option) but because I was envious of the wide pool that I assumed white women in their thirties have access to. I ended up making a rational decision by marrying someone who, while I wasn’t head over heels over and isn’t as successful as I was shooting for, has a good job, comes from upper class family (important in our culture) and is a good person.

It's a cross cultural thing because it's a biological thing. Men want young(er) women. Why would a man in his late 30s marry a woman in her late 30s when he could marry someone in her late 20s?

No sane older man who has option between 30s vs 20s women would choose the former.

I really don’t see it playing out this way. I’m early/mid 30s and married but my unmarried friends date and enter into relationships with men their age. Some are now engaged/recently married. They are all normal, nice, reasonably successful people. Maybe it’s just the men I know but they seem entirely on board with dating women their age.

Dating women in their 30’s vs marrying a women in their 20’s is very different. If a man has the options he would always go younger. This is why there’s an abundance of middle-age women that are lonely in a dating cycle.

This just really isn’t true, and the fact that you generalize it to all men discredits you completely. I have not observed this in real life, although my community is comprised of nice, normal, middle class people; I’m not in high society. Perhaps it’s different in that realm.

My husband couldn’t have given a F about my age. Both my brothers married women in their 30s and it was a complete non-issue. Most of my girlfriends married in their mid-30s (we were in nyc where there are so many singles of all ages).

Are you white?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman in her 50s who is thin and not at all unattractive visually, but never married. She is however, super racist, and her reason for hating her roommate was given as "she's pro-choice". Bigotry and awful to live with are going to trump weight and face for the long term. OP, stop assuming everyone is shallow and tell us what you are like on the inside...

Trump Weight and Face would render you undatable automatically, to many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly shocked at this thread. I’m Arab living in DC and admittedly have limited insight into other cultures (including the dominant white people culture). I never would have thought that white men also have an issue with women in their thirties, I thought that was something cultures like ours have to deal with. Why is this the case? When I was husband hunting (I say it as it is!) I frequently wished I was a white girl, not because of looks (I’m attractive and attracted men of races other than mine but that wasn’t an option) but because I was envious of the wide pool that I assumed white women in their thirties have access to. I ended up making a rational decision by marrying someone who, while I wasn’t head over heels over and isn’t as successful as I was shooting for, has a good job, comes from upper class family (important in our culture) and is a good person.

It's a cross cultural thing because it's a biological thing. Men want young(er) women. Why would a man in his late 30s marry a woman in her late 30s when he could marry someone in her late 20s?

No sane older man who has option between 30s vs 20s women would choose the former.

So, what’s the best course of action for a mid-30s woman seeking marriage?

Get a souped-up DeLorean with a flux capacitor and travel back in time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this same conversation with my therapist when I was in my 30s. She told me to stop “picking” my dates and just go out with anyone who asked.

Married the second guy I dated following that advice.

Sorry, but this is just terrible advice.

One should never settle for anyone just because.
No matter what our age is - we all deserve to be treated well.
Bar none.

And mid-30’s is not a challenging time to date.
Try mid-50’s. 😔

Never settling for anyone is not at all the same as never settling for SOMEone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies - don’t listen to these posts, they are ridiculous. Signed a woman in DC who was in her 30s when she met her younger (late 20s) cute, sweet, normal, husband, had two kids and has been happily married 27 years. And, trust me, I’m just regular pretty - not some model-looking person claimed to be necessary to attract a younger husband. Let your fear go and live your life.

Things have changed in 30 years. Something called "tinder".

+1. I love that someone whose dating life took place in the 90s and 80s (and maybe even 70s!) thinks she's some authority on the current singles' scene.

What are you talking about? If you look at marriage stats over time, women dramatically marry men closer to their age compared to 20, 30, 40 years ago. Now most marriages involve women within 2-3 years of their partners age. Men marrying women 15, 20 years younger than them is much more rare than 30 years ago, it’s a big change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies - don’t listen to these posts, they are ridiculous. Signed a woman in DC who was in her 30s when she met her younger (late 20s) cute, sweet, normal, husband, had two kids and has been happily married 27 years. And, trust me, I’m just regular pretty - not some model-looking person claimed to be necessary to attract a younger husband. Let your fear go and live your life.

Things have changed in 30 years. Something called "tinder".

+1. I love that someone whose dating life took place in the 90s and 80s (and maybe even 70s!) thinks she's some authority on the current singles' scene.

What are you talking about? If you look at marriage stats over time, women dramatically marry men closer to their age compared to 20, 30, 40 years ago. Now most marriages involve women within 2-3 years of their partners age. Men marrying women 15, 20 years younger than them is much more rare than 30 years ago, it’s a big change.

Your math doesn't work. Decades ago most women were married in their early to mid twenties. It was unusual for women in their 30s to be unmarried. Today, there are way more unmarried 30 something women looking for partners. Their male counterparts can EITHER marry younger, marry their age, or not marry. It isn't a 1 to 1 playing field.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy the dating process as much as you can (getting dressed up, visiting new restaurants, collecting great stories to tell), and enjoy meeting new people. Just keep in the back of your mind that you don't really begin to know someone until after six months. We all put our best food forward when dating, but we can only hide the quirks and flaws for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies - don’t listen to these posts, they are ridiculous. Signed a woman in DC who was in her 30s when she met her younger (late 20s) cute, sweet, normal, husband, had two kids and has been happily married 27 years. And, trust me, I’m just regular pretty - not some model-looking person claimed to be necessary to attract a younger husband. Let your fear go and live your life.

Things have changed in 30 years. Something called "tinder".

+1. I love that someone whose dating life took place in the 90s and 80s (and maybe even 70s!) thinks she's some authority on the current singles' scene.

What are you talking about? If you look at marriage stats over time, women dramatically marry men closer to their age compared to 20, 30, 40 years ago. Now most marriages involve women within 2-3 years of their partners age. Men marrying women 15, 20 years younger than them is much more rare than 30 years ago, it’s a big change.

In one out of five marriages in the US now, women are older than men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is that after years and years of dating that goes nowhere, when I finally start dating someone and it seems to go well, I'm cynically waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If nothing has worked out so far, why should I believe this man should be any different?

I am attractive, thin and in great shape, I have a good job (spare me the lecture about men not caring about careers - the point is I can support myself and I'm not looking for a man to prop me up financially), but I'm not young. When I date a man who seems honestly interested in me I'm waiting for there to be some kind of catch. As if something must be wrong, or at least off, with him if he's that eager to date a woman approaching her mid-30s. At the same time, it's possible a man could be asking the same about me "She's not ugly and not fat, so something must be wrong with her if she's still single at this age." But the answer is I just haven't found the right person, and during the times I had found the right person, they either moved away or had some life event that ended things. It's just been bad luck.

Of course, the common thread is me, and it could be my cynicism that is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just always assume I'm going to be used.

There's your problem. It's the guys who think women expire at 28 who have something wrong with them.

Are there men like that? Sure. Do you want those men? Nope.

I dated from 33-35 and attracted many high quality men, probably more than when I had dated last in my mid-late 20s. Yea, there were creeps, but there's always gonna be creepy dudes.

Most men I spent time with seemed to feel the same way about "25 year old baristas" as I did - immature, nothing in common with, not interested in paying or taking care of someone, poor conversation skills, and WTF is with all the weird Snapchat filters. A man who finds a 25 year old interesting and more pleasant to talk with is likely at the same maturity and intelligence level, and not someone you'd want to waste time on.

If you're an interesting person who can hold a conversation, you've got nothing to worry about. Take everything dudes online say with a huge grain of salt - most are unappealing to women and can't get laid, so they have a huge axe to grind. The only people who obsess over sex and rank women based on imagined sexual experiences are people who aren't getting any action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies - don’t listen to these posts, they are ridiculous. Signed a woman in DC who was in her 30s when she met her younger (late 20s) cute, sweet, normal, husband, had two kids and has been happily married 27 years. And, trust me, I’m just regular pretty - not some model-looking person claimed to be necessary to attract a younger husband. Let your fear go and live your life.

Things have changed in 30 years. Something called "tinder".

+1. I love that someone whose dating life took place in the 90s and 80s (and maybe even 70s!) thinks she's some authority on the current singles' scene.

What are you talking about? If you look at marriage stats over time, women dramatically marry men closer to their age compared to 20, 30, 40 years ago. Now most marriages involve women within 2-3 years of their partners age. Men marrying women 15, 20 years younger than them is much more rare than 30 years ago, it’s a big change.

Your math doesn't work. Decades ago most women were married in their early to mid twenties. It was unusual for women in their 30s to be unmarried. Today, there are way more unmarried 30 something women looking for partners. Their male counterparts can EITHER marry younger, marry their age, or not marry. It isn't a 1 to 1 playing field.

You’re missing the point. Decades ago, women were essentially forced to marry men much older. Now, with more choice, women are choosing to marry men closer to their age. And since the men are agreeing to it, they are obviously not opposed. The fact is that women used to marry men who were significantly older, now they do not. So your statement about men having this huge playing field open to them for marriage is not borne out by the statistics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies - don’t listen to these posts, they are ridiculous. Signed a woman in DC who was in her 30s when she met her younger (late 20s) cute, sweet, normal, husband, had two kids and has been happily married 27 years. And, trust me, I’m just regular pretty - not some model-looking person claimed to be necessary to attract a younger husband. Let your fear go and live your life.

Things have changed in 30 years. Something called "tinder".

+1. I love that someone whose dating life took place in the 90s and 80s (and maybe even 70s!) thinks she's some authority on the current singles' scene.

What are you talking about? If you look at marriage stats over time, women dramatically marry men closer to their age compared to 20, 30, 40 years ago. Now most marriages involve women within 2-3 years of their partners age. Men marrying women 15, 20 years younger than them is much more rare than 30 years ago, it’s a big change.

Your math doesn't work. Decades ago most women were married in their early to mid twenties. It was unusual for women in their 30s to be unmarried. Today, there are way more unmarried 30 something women looking for partners. Their male counterparts can EITHER marry younger, marry their age, or not marry. It isn't a 1 to 1 playing field.

You’re missing the point. Decades ago, women were essentially forced to marry men much older. Now, with more choice, women are choosing to marry men closer to their age. And since the men are agreeing to it, they are obviously not opposed. The fact is that women used to marry men who were significantly older, now they do not. So your statement about men having this huge playing field open to them for marriage is not borne out by the statistics.

Now they do not, you're right. And what happened to that group of women? They are single at 35 and on DCUM complaining about how they're single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies - don’t listen to these posts, they are ridiculous. Signed a woman in DC who was in her 30s when she met her younger (late 20s) cute, sweet, normal, husband, had two kids and has been happily married 27 years. And, trust me, I’m just regular pretty - not some model-looking person claimed to be necessary to attract a younger husband. Let your fear go and live your life.

Things have changed in 30 years. Something called "tinder".

+1. I love that someone whose dating life took place in the 90s and 80s (and maybe even 70s!) thinks she's some authority on the current singles' scene.

What are you talking about? If you look at marriage stats over time, women dramatically marry men closer to their age compared to 20, 30, 40 years ago. Now most marriages involve women within 2-3 years of their partners age. Men marrying women 15, 20 years younger than them is much more rare than 30 years ago, it’s a big change.

Your math doesn't work. Decades ago most women were married in their early to mid twenties. It was unusual for women in their 30s to be unmarried. Today, there are way more unmarried 30 something women looking for partners. Their male counterparts can EITHER marry younger, marry their age, or not marry. It isn't a 1 to 1 playing field.

You’re missing the point. Decades ago, women were essentially forced to marry men much older. Now, with more choice, women are choosing to marry men closer to their age. And since the men are agreeing to it, they are obviously not opposed. The fact is that women used to marry men who were significantly older, now they do not. So your statement about men having this huge playing field open to them for marriage is not borne out by the statistics.

DP but Lol no one is forcing women to marriage…let alone older men. Just stop with this continuing victimhood. If anything the age gap is widening.

Average age of marriage
Men. Women
1950 22.8 20.3
1960 22.8 20.3
1970 23.2 20.8
1980 24.7 22.0
1990 26.1 23.9
2000 26.8 25.1
2010 28.2 26.1

[Anonymous]

To the earlier poster about how things have changed since I dated (in DC). I know lots of women in their 30s who have met and married very successfully, in DC. You are always going to find lots of men claiming they have an upper hand in dating - feel free to believe it if you want. But it’s to your detriment if you do. And if you prefer to have a negative outlook on your life (dating or otherwise), feel free but I don’t think it will help you compared to thinking positively. And a negative view of life is more likely to be why others don’t want to date you - not your age….