The problem with dating in my 30s

[Anonymous]

Is that after years and years of dating that goes nowhere, when I finally start dating someone and it seems to go well, I'm cynically waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If nothing has worked out so far, why should I believe this man should be any different?

I am attractive, thin and in great shape, I have a good job (spare me the lecture about men not caring about careers - the point is I can support myself and I'm not looking for a man to prop me up financially), but I'm not young. When I date a man who seems honestly interested in me I'm waiting for there to be some kind of catch. As if something must be wrong, or at least off, with him if he's that eager to date a woman approaching her mid-30s. At the same time, it's possible a man could be asking the same about me "She's not ugly and not fat, so something must be wrong with her if she's still single at this age." But the answer is I just haven't found the right person, and during the times I had found the right person, they either moved away or had some life event that ended things. It's just been bad luck.

Of course, the common thread is me, and it could be my cynicism that is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just always assume I'm going to be used.

[Anonymous]

I had this same conversation with my therapist when I was in my 30s. She told me to stop “picking” my dates and just go out with anyone who asked.

Married the second guy I dated following that advice.

[Anonymous]

Please go to therapy to work out these issues. You may end up sabotaging something good.

[Anonymous]

Not all guys like thin. I don’t want fat, but I have zero attraction to thin woman. My point is checking off your boxes of what you assume man wants isn’t going to get you anywhere.

You need to focus on what you want not what you have going for you. Let him decide if what you have going for you checks his boxes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please go to therapy to work out these issues. You may end up sabotaging something good.

+1. I too had this exact same conversation with a therapist, except at the time I had no idea I was thinking this way and my therapist pointed it out to me. She asked why I always assumed the man I was with wouldn’t stick around. The conversation was so jarring, and it changed the way I looked at things after I realized I was giving off the vibes of a sad puppy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please go to therapy to work out these issues. You may end up sabotaging something good.

+1. I too had this exact same conversation with a therapist, except at the time I had no idea I was thinking this way and my therapist pointed it out to me. She asked why I always assumed the man I was with wouldn’t stick around. The conversation was so jarring, and it changed the way I looked at things after I realized I was giving off the vibes of a sad puppy.

BTW I ended up marrying the man I had been discussing with the therapist. I do think our work in that session sent me off in a positive direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not all guys like thin. I don’t want fat, but I have zero attraction to thin woman. My point is checking off your boxes of what you assume man wants isn’t going to get you anywhere.

You need to focus on what you want not what you have going for you. Let him decide if what you have going for you checks his boxes.

I think she was trying to preemptively counter the jerks on this site to ask women if they’re fat.

[Anonymous]

What kinds of guys are you dating OP

[Anonymous]

I think you were focusing on things in a weird way. Stop thinking so hard and self-consciously about it. Unless you go to therapy and have an expert helping you. For some reason you think you’re not datable or that you were less appealing because of your age. I mean to a certain extent that’s true, but not entirely. Especially in a place like DC. Tons of people are still single in their 30s. It’s like you’re going into dating situation with some assumption that the guy is looking at you like there’s something wrong with you instead of seeing yourself as a catch. Relationships are hard. It makes sense that it’s hard to find someone to spend the rest of your life with. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you that you haven’t. Also, as a woman in my mid-40s, I just wanted to tell you that I had this idea that once you had 40 your dating life is over. I actually found the dating in my 40s has been easier. The problem with mod thirties dating is that it is full of pressure and lots of guys are already married. In your 40s the divorced guys start hitting the market. I just wanted to tell you that because I don’t want you to feel like you have some dire deadline after what she won’t ever find anyone today. I mean I’m a little different because I don’t care about not having kids, but I feel like I spent my 30s with 40 is a big looming deadline at which point I would be totally undesirable and I have found that to be completely untrue.

[Anonymous]

Been there and dating in your 30s is IDEAL, even if you want children. Please be open to guys in their 40s and 50s and you could have an amazing life. I wish tongs I had known this when I felt like you do now. Instead I married the wrong person to have children and am now divorced at 50, which is much harder.

[Anonymous]

If you are suspicious of guys for pursuing you because you don’t imagine a decent guy would wish to be with someone in their 30s — well, you are 100% defeating yourself right out of the gate. Stop categorizing yourself or perceiving yourself as a commodity, my goodness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all guys like thin. I don’t want fat, but I have zero attraction to thin woman. My point is checking off your boxes of what you assume man wants isn’t going to get you anywhere.

You need to focus on what you want not what you have going for you. Let him decide if what you have going for you checks his boxes.

I think she was trying to preemptively counter the jerks on this site to ask women if they’re fat.

I was just using that as an example. My point still stands.

[Anonymous]

You have a lot of insecurities, it's okay we all do.

Recommend therapist to work through your issues before you disappoint yourself or push away a good man through your anxiety and paranoia.

[Anonymous]

Look at it from the perspective of a man in your age range: you are almost 35, you are getting too old to start a family with. If you aren't married by now what is the problem? Is there something wrong with you if you weren't taken off the market already? What are the red flags here? Are you too picky, or delusional or unrealistic about men? What do you bring to the table in terms of a pleasant personality? Are you easy to be around, and to get along with day to day? Why should he pick you when he could ask out the cute, 25-year-old barista at the coffee shop he goes to? She is easy to talk to, and doesn't have the baggage of a 35-year-old.

That is what a man is thinking that he can't tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at it from the perspective of a man in your age range: you are almost 35, you are getting too old to start a family with. If you aren't married by now what is the problem? Is there something wrong with you if you weren't taken off the market already? What are the red flags here? Are you too picky, or delusional or unrealistic about men? What do you bring to the table in terms of a pleasant personality? Are you easy to be around, and to get along with day to day? Why should he pick you when he could ask out the cute, 25-year-old barista at the coffee shop he goes to? She is easy to talk to, and doesn't have the baggage of a 35-year-old.

That is what a man is thinking that he can't tell you.

Bingo.