The problem with dating in my 30s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly shocked at this thread. I’m Arab living in DC and admittedly have limited insight into other cultures (including the dominant white people culture). I never would have thought that white men also have an issue with women in their thirties, I thought that was something cultures like ours have to deal with. Why is this the case? When I was husband hunting (I say it as it is!) I frequently wished I was a white girl, not because of looks (I’m attractive and attracted men of races other than mine but that wasn’t an option) but because I was envious of the wide pool that I assumed white women in their thirties have access to. I ended up making a rational decision by marrying someone who, while I wasn’t head over heels over and isn’t as successful as I was shooting for, has a good job, comes from upper class family (important in our culture) and is a good person.

It's a cross cultural thing because it's a biological thing. Men want young(er) women. Why would a man in his late 30s marry a woman in her late 30s when he could marry someone in her late 20s?

No sane older man who has option between 30s vs 20s women would choose the former.

I really don’t see it playing out this way. I’m early/mid 30s and married but my unmarried friends date and enter into relationships with men their age. Some are now engaged/recently married. They are all normal, nice, reasonably successful people. Maybe it’s just the men I know but they seem entirely on board with dating women their age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly shocked at this thread. I’m Arab living in DC and admittedly have limited insight into other cultures (including the dominant white people culture). I never would have thought that white men also have an issue with women in their thirties, I thought that was something cultures like ours have to deal with. Why is this the case? When I was husband hunting (I say it as it is!) I frequently wished I was a white girl, not because of looks (I’m attractive and attracted men of races other than mine but that wasn’t an option) but because I was envious of the wide pool that I assumed white women in their thirties have access to. I ended up making a rational decision by marrying someone who, while I wasn’t head over heels over and isn’t as successful as I was shooting for, has a good job, comes from upper class family (important in our culture) and is a good person.

It's a cross cultural thing because it's a biological thing. Men want young(er) women. Why would a man in his late 30s marry a woman in her late 30s when he could marry someone in her late 20s?

No sane older man who has option between 30s vs 20s women would choose the former.

I really don’t see it playing out this way. I’m early/mid 30s and married but my unmarried friends date and enter into relationships with men their age. Some are now engaged/recently married. They are all normal, nice, reasonably successful people. Maybe it’s just the men I know but they seem entirely on board with dating women their age.

I really hope you are right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman in her 50s who is thin and not at all unattractive visually, but never married. She is however, super racist, and her reason for hating her roommate was given as "she's pro-choice". Bigotry and awful to live with are going to trump weight and face for the long term. OP, stop assuming everyone is shallow and tell us what you are like on the inside...

Plenty of guys will have no problem with a woman being pro-life. And I'm guessing your definition of "racist" is anyone who does not support unfettered illegal immigration or some nonsense like that. I short, *you're* probably the bigoted one, not your acquaintance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies - don’t listen to these posts, they are ridiculous. Signed a woman in DC who was in her 30s when she met her younger (late 20s) cute, sweet, normal, husband, had two kids and has been happily married 27 years. And, trust me, I’m just regular pretty - not some model-looking person claimed to be necessary to attract a younger husband. Let your fear go and live your life.

Things have changed in 30 years. Something called "tinder".

+1. I love that someone whose dating life took place in the 90s and 80s (and maybe even 70s!) thinks she's some authority on the current singles' scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly shocked at this thread. I’m Arab living in DC and admittedly have limited insight into other cultures (including the dominant white people culture). I never would have thought that white men also have an issue with women in their thirties, I thought that was something cultures like ours have to deal with. Why is this the case? When I was husband hunting (I say it as it is!) I frequently wished I was a white girl, not because of looks (I’m attractive and attracted men of races other than mine but that wasn’t an option) but because I was envious of the wide pool that I assumed white women in their thirties have access to. I ended up making a rational decision by marrying someone who, while I wasn’t head over heels over and isn’t as successful as I was shooting for, has a good job, comes from upper class family (important in our culture) and is a good person.

It's a cross cultural thing because it's a biological thing. Men want young(er) women. Why would a man in his late 30s marry a woman in her late 30s when he could marry someone in her late 20s?

No sane older man who has option between 30s vs 20s women would choose the former.

Man here and this is dumb and trolling. Men choose women they fall in love with. We can fall in love with women our own age, and gasp, even older.

This isn't to diminish the power that looks have on men. Yes, we pick women heavily on physical appearance, at least at the start, and yes, all things being equal, younger people (men and women) have that advantage. It's good to be realistic that the dating pool gets tougher and you need to be intentional. I know men in their 30s who are marriage minded, they key is to find them.

[Anonymous]

This thread is the worst of DCUM, and I’m sorry for IP that she sought out advice here because what she got only reinforces her self-defeating, unhealthy, negative perceptions.

IRL I know single women in their 30s through 50s who are dating nice, normal men. OP needs to get these negative voices out of her head and just be herself, and live her life.
I’m not saying it’s bit wise to open her mind to men she might not have previously considered, or whatever “list” of requirements she may have had, but there’s no reason she should see herself as a washed-up, over-the-hill nobody who needs to settle for someone “who has no other options.” I mean, WTF - would the PP really give that advice to someone she cared about? The responses seem cruel and baggage-laden.

[Anonymous]

^sorry for typos. Hope my main point came across. OP needs to get off this thread and live her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this same conversation with my therapist when I was in my 30s. She told me to stop “picking” my dates and just go out with anyone who asked.

Married the second guy I dated following that advice.

Sorry, but this is just terrible advice.

One should never settle for anyone just because.
No matter what our age is - we all deserve to be treated well.
Bar none.

And mid-30’s is not a challenging time to date.
Try mid-50’s. 😔

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly shocked at this thread. I’m Arab living in DC and admittedly have limited insight into other cultures (including the dominant white people culture). I never would have thought that white men also have an issue with women in their thirties, I thought that was something cultures like ours have to deal with. Why is this the case? When I was husband hunting (I say it as it is!) I frequently wished I was a white girl, not because of looks (I’m attractive and attracted men of races other than mine but that wasn’t an option) but because I was envious of the wide pool that I assumed white women in their thirties have access to. I ended up making a rational decision by marrying someone who, while I wasn’t head over heels over and isn’t as successful as I was shooting for, has a good job, comes from upper class family (important in our culture) and is a good person.

It's a cross cultural thing because it's a biological thing. Men want young(er) women. Why would a man in his late 30s marry a woman in her late 30s when he could marry someone in her late 20s?

No sane older man who has option between 30s vs 20s women would choose the former.

I really don’t see it playing out this way. I’m early/mid 30s and married but my unmarried friends date and enter into relationships with men their age. Some are now engaged/recently married. They are all normal, nice, reasonably successful people. Maybe it’s just the men I know but they seem entirely on board with dating women their age.

Dating women in their 30’s vs marrying a women in their 20’s is very different. If a man has the options he would always go younger. This is why there’s an abundance of middle-age women that are lonely in a dating cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly shocked at this thread. I’m Arab living in DC and admittedly have limited insight into other cultures (including the dominant white people culture). I never would have thought that white men also have an issue with women in their thirties, I thought that was something cultures like ours have to deal with. Why is this the case? When I was husband hunting (I say it as it is!) I frequently wished I was a white girl, not because of looks (I’m attractive and attracted men of races other than mine but that wasn’t an option) but because I was envious of the wide pool that I assumed white women in their thirties have access to. I ended up making a rational decision by marrying someone who, while I wasn’t head over heels over and isn’t as successful as I was shooting for, has a good job, comes from upper class family (important in our culture) and is a good person.

It's a cross cultural thing because it's a biological thing. Men want young(er) women. Why would a man in his late 30s marry a woman in her late 30s when he could marry someone in her late 20s?

No sane older man who has option between 30s vs 20s women would choose the former.

So, what’s the best course of action for a mid-30s woman seeking marriage?

Head to the West Coast where the average of men to women ratio is in your favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this same conversation with my therapist when I was in my 30s. She told me to stop “picking” my dates and just go out with anyone who asked.

Married the second guy I dated following that advice.

Sorry, but this is just terrible advice.

One should never settle for anyone just because.
No matter what our age is - we all deserve to be treated well.
Bar none.

And mid-30’s is not a challenging time to date.
Try mid-50’s. 😔

Well I don't think she should be taking advice from the single 50 year old...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is the worst of DCUM, and I’m sorry for IP that she sought out advice here because what she got only reinforces her self-defeating, unhealthy, negative perceptions.

IRL I know single women in their 30s through 50s who are dating nice, normal men. OP needs to get these negative voices out of her head and just be herself, and live her life.
I’m not saying it’s bit wise to open her mind to men she might not have previously considered, or whatever “list” of requirements she may have had, but there’s no reason she should see herself as a washed-up, over-the-hill nobody who needs to settle for someone “who has no other options.” I mean, WTF - would the PP really give that advice to someone she cared about? The responses seem cruel and baggage-laden.

I'm one of the PPs and I would absolutely give that advice to someone I care about, and have. My single friends are all single for one reason: unrealistic standards and expectations, especially in DC. We lie to women in our society and make them think they can focus on career and then wave a magic wand when they're "ready" and Prince Charming will be waiting in a coffee shop. Or, they have an absurdly long list of requirements.

I'm a married woman in my mid 30s, from DC. Those of you who ARENT mid 30s and dating/married in DC? You have NO idea what you're talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is the worst of DCUM, and I’m sorry for IP that she sought out advice here because what she got only reinforces her self-defeating, unhealthy, negative perceptions.

IRL I know single women in their 30s through 50s who are dating nice, normal men. OP needs to get these negative voices out of her head and just be herself, and live her life.
I’m not saying it’s bit wise to open her mind to men she might not have previously considered, or whatever “list” of requirements she may have had, but there’s no reason she should see herself as a washed-up, over-the-hill nobody who needs to settle for someone “who has no other options.” I mean, WTF - would the PP really give that advice to someone she cared about? The responses seem cruel and baggage-laden.

I'm one of the PPs and I would absolutely give that advice to someone I care about, and have. My single friends are all single for one reason: unrealistic standards and expectations, especially in DC. We lie to women in our society and make them think they can focus on career and then wave a magic wand when they're "ready" and Prince Charming will be waiting in a coffee shop. Or, they have an absurdly long list of requirements.

I'm a married woman in my mid 30s, from DC. Those of you who ARENT mid 30s and dating/married in DC? You have NO idea what you're talking about.

PP here and I don’t disagree with your advice. I *do* disagree with PP’s advice that the 30-something woman will have to settle for someone with “no other options.” I cannot imagine you would give that advice to someone whose well-being you care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is the worst of DCUM, and I’m sorry for IP that she sought out advice here because what she got only reinforces her self-defeating, unhealthy, negative perceptions.

IRL I know single women in their 30s through 50s who are dating nice, normal men. OP needs to get these negative voices out of her head and just be herself, and live her life.
I’m not saying it’s bit wise to open her mind to men she might not have previously considered, or whatever “list” of requirements she may have had, but there’s no reason she should see herself as a washed-up, over-the-hill nobody who needs to settle for someone “who has no other options.” I mean, WTF - would the PP really give that advice to someone she cared about? The responses seem cruel and baggage-laden.

I'm one of the PPs and I would absolutely give that advice to someone I care about, and have. My single friends are all single for one reason: unrealistic standards and expectations, especially in DC. We lie to women in our society and make them think they can focus on career and then wave a magic wand when they're "ready" and Prince Charming will be waiting in a coffee shop. Or, they have an absurdly long list of requirements.

I'm a married woman in my mid 30s, from DC. Those of you who ARENT mid 30s and dating/married in DC? You have NO idea what you're talking about.

PP here and I don’t disagree with your advice. I *do* disagree with PP’s advice that the 30-something woman will have to settle for someone with “no other options.” I cannot imagine you would give that advice to someone whose well-being you care about.

That poster didn't say "no other options" they said "without options", as in these men don't have women falling at their feet. I also disagree with that term, but agree with the sentiment. My friends who have recently gotten married or started seriously dating someone, the men were: rich but fat and have a drinking problem; divorced; blue collar but happened to live in DC. They are all compromising. My friends who are refusing to compromise? Single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly shocked at this thread. I’m Arab living in DC and admittedly have limited insight into other cultures (including the dominant white people culture). I never would have thought that white men also have an issue with women in their thirties, I thought that was something cultures like ours have to deal with. Why is this the case? When I was husband hunting (I say it as it is!) I frequently wished I was a white girl, not because of looks (I’m attractive and attracted men of races other than mine but that wasn’t an option) but because I was envious of the wide pool that I assumed white women in their thirties have access to. I ended up making a rational decision by marrying someone who, while I wasn’t head over heels over and isn’t as successful as I was shooting for, has a good job, comes from upper class family (important in our culture) and is a good person.

It's a cross cultural thing because it's a biological thing. Men want young(er) women. Why would a man in his late 30s marry a woman in her late 30s when he could marry someone in her late 20s?

No sane older man who has option between 30s vs 20s women would choose the former.

I really don’t see it playing out this way. I’m early/mid 30s and married but my unmarried friends date and enter into relationships with men their age. Some are now engaged/recently married. They are all normal, nice, reasonably successful people. Maybe it’s just the men I know but they seem entirely on board with dating women their age.

Dating women in their 30’s vs marrying a women in their 20’s is very different. If a man has the options he would always go younger. This is why there’s an abundance of middle-age women that are lonely in a dating cycle.

This just really isn’t true, and the fact that you generalize it to all men discredits you completely. I have not observed this in real life, although my community is comprised of nice, normal, middle class people; I’m not in high society. Perhaps it’s different in that realm.

My husband couldn’t have given a F about my age. Both my brothers married women in their 30s and it was a complete non-issue. Most of my girlfriends married in their mid-30s (we were in nyc where there are so many singles of all ages).