Husband Said I’m Too Strict With Baby

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm just like you, my first was always a hot mess if he didn't get to sleep on time and I became a bit um, psychotic, about it at the time because I was the only one having to deal with the effects. I totally get it. But sometimes you have to compromise. Especially with our second, she just had to go with the flow around preschool pickup and dropoff and it totally stressed me out bc omg the schedule is off and she only slept 5 min but it was fine. Everyone survived. It seems like forever in the moment but it really is such a short time, I would just ride it out. It gets a lot better when they drop down to 2 naps. Hang in there, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Turn the baby over to him and leave the house. Let him figure it out. You have to get there sooner rather than later, or else you will wind up with a father who does nothing.

Yes, time to train the husband. The baby may cry more than if you were handling things, but you all need this dynamic to change, especially baby. Might as well start now.

[Anonymous]

Let your DH enjoy the baby on his week off.

[Anonymous]

Do what you want to do.

[Anonymous]

Your baby sounds fine and you’re doing a good job. Your husband needs to follow his schedule if it’s working for the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, that baby is going to change his own schedule soon enough. You will learn that just as you think you find what you baby likes, they become a whole new baby. A lot of it has to do with your baby’s natural disposition and not as much of your choices as you think. That’s why you will see a lot of response on this forum calling people out as first time parents when they talk about how they did this magic thing that made their baby a good sleeper/eater/whatever. Then we learn that when we do the exact same thing with another kid, it has no effect at all.

Let dad play with his baby.

OP here. I’m aware of that and said his schedule will change again soon. The biggest thing is now I know his wake times and his cues and I can put him to sleep at appropriate times so he doesn't why overtired.

My husband doesn’t do well with lots of crying. If he keeps him up and he starts crying, I will have to take over and calm him down.

It’s his baby too, but I’m the one that spends most of my time with him. I think I should be able to do what is best for him and myself to make our days run smoothly.

Your husband needs to be able to deal with the baby crying. He needs to know that you will not take over because he is a parent to and he can deal with it. In the beginning when you didn’t know what to do when the baby cried you figured it out because you had to. He needs to do the same thing. If you think that he will abuse or hurt the baby physically then you need to start documenting signs of abuse to prepare for a custody battle. But if you are just concerned that your husband will freak out and complain and not take good care of The baby because he’s too stressed out, then you need to let them figure it out. Otherwise he will never be a parent to your child he will always be the babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, that baby is going to change his own schedule soon enough. You will learn that just as you think you find what you baby likes, they become a whole new baby. A lot of it has to do with your baby’s natural disposition and not as much of your choices as you think. That’s why you will see a lot of response on this forum calling people out as first time parents when they talk about how they did this magic thing that made their baby a good sleeper/eater/whatever. Then we learn that when we do the exact same thing with another kid, it has no effect at all.

Let dad play with his baby.

OP here. I’m aware of that and said his schedule will change again soon. The biggest thing is now I know his wake times and his cues and I can put him to sleep at appropriate times so he doesn't why overtired.

My husband doesn’t do well with lots of crying. If he keeps him up and he starts crying, I will have to take over and calm him down.

It’s his baby too, but I’m the one that spends most of my time with him. I think I should be able to do what is best for him and myself to make our days run smoothly.

Your husband needs to be able to deal with the baby crying. He needs to know that you will not take over because he is a parent to and he can deal with it. In the beginning when you didn’t know what to do when the baby cried you figured it out because you had to. He needs to do the same thing. If you think that he will abuse or hurt the baby physically then you need to start documenting signs of abuse to prepare for a custody battle. But if you are just concerned that your husband will freak out and complain and not take good care of The baby because he’s too stressed out, then you need to let them figure it out. Otherwise he will never be a parent to your child he will always be the babysitter.

OP here. No. My husband would never abuse our son or anything liked that. I’m not worried to leave him alone - he has been alone with him for hours and one time for overnight when he was younger. He can handle him if he needs to, but he will be like “ I don’t know why he’s crying” and hand him off because he knows I can comfort nurse him and calm him down. I do it because I don’t like hearing him cry and I don’t want to put stress on his body by letting him cry.

He does care for him during the week after work with his fussy period and putting him down for bed. He is also very involved and there on the weekends and does spend most of the time with him. I think it’s just easier for him to hand him over to me because I can easily settle him. My husband is a very loving and gentle man. No way would he hurt our son.

I do need to get better with leaving him with the baby without taking him when he cries. He has worked out the baby being fussy many times, and will take the baby if I absolutely need a break ( when he was younger) and he was able to finally clam him down. I think I causing the issue and giving him a built in excuse. I will start doing more trips and letting him handle it.

[Anonymous]

I am all for the baby being on a schedule but everyone wants to also interact with the baby and enjoy this time with the child.

My DH is very bonded with our children and was a very hands-on dad. It happened only because my BFF observed me being very strict about the routine and care of the baby and not letting DH do things his way. She told me that if I was to die suddenly, my DH would be incapable of taking care of the baby because I was always correcting him. After that I let go and let my DH, my ILs, relatives, parents etc - interact with the baby. I figured that if my baby was too tired and hyper, she would get cranky and I would be able to swoop in and take her for her nap. Till that time happened, I let the interaction grow and as a result my children are very bonded with a lot of my relatives. My only rule was not to neglect the baby and let the baby sleep when she was sleepy.

Again, while I am a disciplinarian, I will advice you to please, please, please let your family members interact with the baby and form relationship with her without your intervention and supervision. Especially your DH. He is the other parent and has an equal say. You won't let him get full dibs on the baby and he will not remain involved later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am all for the baby being on a schedule but everyone wants to also interact with the baby and enjoy this time with the child.

My DH is very bonded with our children and was a very hands-on dad. It happened only because my BFF observed me being very strict about the routine and care of the baby and not letting DH do things his way. She told me that if I was to die suddenly, my DH would be incapable of taking care of the baby because I was always correcting him. After that I let go and let my DH, my ILs, relatives, parents etc - interact with the baby. I figured that if my baby was too tired and hyper, she would get cranky and I would be able to swoop in and take her for her nap. Till that time happened, I let the interaction grow and as a result my children are very bonded with a lot of my relatives. My only rule was not to neglect the baby and let the baby sleep when she was sleepy.

Again, while I am a disciplinarian, I will advice you to please, please, please let your family members interact with the baby and form relationship with her without your intervention and supervision. Especially your DH. He is the other parent and has an equal say. You won't let him get full dibs on the baby and he will not remain involved later on.

OP here. I let my husband spend the time with my baby. He spends all of the time he wants with him when he is awake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am all for the baby being on a schedule but everyone wants to also interact with the baby and enjoy this time with the child.

My DH is very bonded with our children and was a very hands-on dad. It happened only because my BFF observed me being very strict about the routine and care of the baby and not letting DH do things his way. She told me that if I was to die suddenly, my DH would be incapable of taking care of the baby because I was always correcting him. After that I let go and let my DH, my ILs, relatives, parents etc - interact with the baby. I figured that if my baby was too tired and hyper, she would get cranky and I would be able to swoop in and take her for her nap. Till that time happened, I let the interaction grow and as a result my children are very bonded with a lot of my relatives. My only rule was not to neglect the baby and let the baby sleep when she was sleepy.

Again, while I am a disciplinarian, I will advice you to please, please, please let your family members interact with the baby and form relationship with her without your intervention and supervision. Especially your DH. He is the other parent and has an equal say. You won't let him get full dibs on the baby and he will not remain involved later on.

That's nice that it worked with yours, but not all babies are like that. For many, the overtiredness builds over the day. Some go full melt down after feeling horrible and holding it in for a while. My first was an extreme, who would just deal with the overtiredness and never fuss until the end of the day. Then it was full on meltdown, could not pacify. My husband obviously saw the difference following wake times made, and was on board. But, my point is that they don't all fuss in the moment, and so mom can't just swoop in.

(Though, even for these babies that do fuss immediately, I still don't really understand why you would let baby feel bad.)

[Anonymous]

I would take an overtired baby in the short term over an uninvolved husband in the long term. A lot of husbands are shut out from parenting in the early months and then disengage for a long while. It’s ultimately bad for the couple and family.

[Anonymous]

You're not over strict if you're comfort nursing all the time to calm the baby down. Its ok for tiny ones but alss work on other soothing techniques or you'll get into comfort nursing a toddler and that is no fun. Ask me how i know

[Anonymous]

I am not a Dr., but I think your child may be a little too young to be on a schedule as well as be sleep-trained.

Plus I think BOTH parents should be the ones making any child-related decisions, not unilaterally.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I did what everyone had said and let him do what he wanted. He kept the baby up twice ( twice today) and he got overtired and cried. It didn’t take 30 minutes like it used to, but he cried for a good 10 minutes each time. I told my husband that he has to do it and I wasn’t going to soothe him. He stuck to the schedule the rest of the day and things went smoothly. He was very surprised. He told me that I’m right and apologized for saying I was mean. He didn’t realize that even 5 minutes would make him overtired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not over strict if you're comfort nursing all the time to calm the baby down. Its ok for tiny ones but alss work on other soothing techniques or you'll get into comfort nursing a toddler and that is no fun. Ask me how i know

OP here. I used to do that or use the pacifier. I don’t do that much anymore except for once. He’s still young and most babies comfort nurse at this age.