Husband never gets up with kids in the morning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what happens when they wake up? Why don’t you push his ass out of the bed?

Also, why are your kids up so damn early?!? Mine get up and color/ play for about 2 hours until we get up. You can even leave food out for them. I have a newborn, 3 and a 5 year old. They’re actually pleased they get to get up early and don’t have to stay in their rooms. You just train them on what to do.

First time posting on this thread, but that's great that your "training" has worked for you but not all kids will happily play for 2 hours in the morning while their parents lounge in bed. One of mine will for an hour or so, another will not, no matter how much "training" we try.

[Anonymous]

i hate to be the one to say this, but he does nothing because you have allowed him to do nothing. it seems to have gotten worse over the past year or so, though.

did he ever do anything more than the minimum?

i would say take one week and write down every single thing that you do and have him do the same. this will make it abundantly clear that the division of labor is out of whack. tell him that you both work and even that your work takes 10 hours per day including commute and his takes 8 (with your actual numbers). tell him he should actually be doing MORE THAN HALF of the weekly tasks and that you have had it and are considering divorce (if you are). then divide up the tasks and DO NOT DO ANY OF HIS TASKS.

he needs to go to bed at a decent hour. if he does, he will naturally wake up earlier. i stay up way past when my husband goes to bed, but i don't sleep all day because of it.

if you are interested in staying together, then go to counseling.

he sounds like a colossal jerk.

my husband doesn't do everything just as i would like, but he certainly takes out the trash and unloads the dishwasher, ALWAYS, without being told. if he forgets to unload, the dishes in the sink will pile up. i pretty much never do it, maybe 5 times a year if he is working on something else big, like doing the flower beds or something. he also does all the yard work and all the fixing of broken things. not that this is ideal, but it is better than nothing, which is what your man does.

UGH ... sorry you have to deal with all this.

[Anonymous]

If speaking w/your husband directly about this issue along w/marital counseling gets you nowhere w/this sloth - then that leaves you w/only two options.

A.)Divorce him

OR

B.)Continue in this misery of a marriage & waste the rest of your life being unhappy + feeling unloved by your spouse.

[Anonymous]

I left. Suddenly my ex had to step up. He complains to me that his weekends are now doing laundry and cleaning. HA!

Leave him now.

[Anonymous]

There are several people here blaming you. This is NOT your fault.

I've been in your shoes. I tried most of the things suggested in this thread. It never got better. My kids are now teens and they have almost no relationship with their dad. We're divorcing.

I think the worst part was that when his parents visited he was awesome. He did so much around the house and he was engaging. The moment they left, he would turn back into an unhelpful person who ignored us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he always been like this? Totally unaware of situations? Unable to anticipate things even when they're routine?

It's hard to tell if there's a mental illness or just sheer laziness (or just assumes you'll do everything bc you've always have and you "seem" ok with it).

No, I mentioned upthread that it’s gotten worse. Things like dishes and trash were always his chores, now he just doesn’t do them. We used to all wake up together, now he stays up till 1-2am (even weeknights)and sleeps in. Pre covid, he had to get up and make the same commute I did, so we split drop off/pickups down the middle.

Maybe the timing is just coincidental, but him WFH has really seemed to screw up our dynamic. I was only home for like 10 weeks. He MIGHT go back in January. I will be so thrilled for him to go back to the office in some capacity. For him, I feel like WFH has made him super lazy. There’s so many days where he never leaves the house except to go to the bus stop.

What is he doing up until 2am? There’s the issue.

Watching tv … supposedly

Is he unwilling to stop? That is not normal behavior. It also completely explains why he won’t get up in the early morning. I wouldn’t either with only 4-5 hours of sleep?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are several people here blaming you. This is NOT your fault.

I've been in your shoes. I tried most of the things suggested in this thread. It never got better. My kids are now teens and they have almost no relationship with their dad. We're divorcing.

I think the worst part was that when his parents visited he was awesome. He did so much around the house and he was engaging. The moment they left, he would turn back into an unhelpful person who ignored us.

OP absolutely does play a role in this.

Every woman I know in a situation like this is a giant enabler and control freak.

No way in heck I would put up with what OP is enabling. Same with any other sane woman. I would simply leave for work in the morning and let him handle everything. I wouldn’t make dinner at night, do dishes or really do anything. No one put a gun to OP’s head and forced her to do everything. She did it voluntarily and now people like you are saying she’s not at fault. Really???? Men are going to continue to take advantage of unpaid labor as long as women like OP keep providing it.

OP thought a post about taking a trip to Miami was FUNNY. Really! I would have been gone so long ago. My life matters and I refuse to do everything at home and work a job while my man child watches TV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i hate to be the one to say this, but he does nothing because you have allowed him to do nothing. it seems to have gotten worse over the past year or so, though.

did he ever do anything more than the minimum?

i would say take one week and write down every single thing that you do and have him do the same. this will make it abundantly clear that the division of labor is out of whack. tell him that you both work and even that your work takes 10 hours per day including commute and his takes 8 (with your actual numbers). tell him he should actually be doing MORE THAN HALF of the weekly tasks and that you have had it and are considering divorce (if you are). then divide up the tasks and DO NOT DO ANY OF HIS TASKS.

he needs to go to bed at a decent hour. if he does, he will naturally wake up earlier. i stay up way past when my husband goes to bed, but i don't sleep all day because of it.

if you are interested in staying together, then go to counseling.

he sounds like a colossal jerk.

my husband doesn't do everything just as i would like, but he certainly takes out the trash and unloads the dishwasher, ALWAYS, without being told. if he forgets to unload, the dishes in the sink will pile up. i pretty much never do it, maybe 5 times a year if he is working on something else big, like doing the flower beds or something. he also does all the yard work and all the fixing of broken things. not that this is ideal, but it is better than nothing, which is what your man does.

UGH ... sorry you have to deal with all this.

This right here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i hate to be the one to say this, but he does nothing because you have allowed him to do nothing. it seems to have gotten worse over the past year or so, though.

did he ever do anything more than the minimum?

i would say take one week and write down every single thing that you do and have him do the same. this will make it abundantly clear that the division of labor is out of whack. tell him that you both work and even that your work takes 10 hours per day including commute and his takes 8 (with your actual numbers). tell him he should actually be doing MORE THAN HALF of the weekly tasks and that you have had it and are considering divorce (if you are). then divide up the tasks and DO NOT DO ANY OF HIS TASKS.

he needs to go to bed at a decent hour. if he does, he will naturally wake up earlier. i stay up way past when my husband goes to bed, but i don't sleep all day because of it.

if you are interested in staying together, then go to counseling.

he sounds like a colossal jerk.

my husband doesn't do everything just as i would like, but he certainly takes out the trash and unloads the dishwasher, ALWAYS, without being told. if he forgets to unload, the dishes in the sink will pile up. i pretty much never do it, maybe 5 times a year if he is working on something else big, like doing the flower beds or something. he also does all the yard work and all the fixing of broken things. not that this is ideal, but it is better than nothing, which is what your man does.

UGH ... sorry you have to deal with all this.

Do this, but don't apportion the tasks in such a way that you will be upset if something crucial doesn't get done. Making the kids lunch, for example. They need lunch and they shouldn't be the ones to suffer if DH screws it up. Give him the trash, the dinner clean-up, the yardwork. Don't give him grocery shopping or dinner prep/cooking unless you are ok with him just ordering takeout or cooking up some hotdogs. Because that is still taking care of dinner even if it isn't to your standards. Whereas not taking out the trash or cleaning after dinner are pretty basic, low-standard things to meet.

Don't expect a complete 50% split, especially at first. Start with stuff that he could do competently that would free you up and de-stress you. And yeah, getting up with the kids half and half is one of those. (DH and I always get up together, whereas my sister and her husband do the split -- it can work either way.)

[Anonymous]

Once again... most men should not have children. They are immature and don't want to give up their selfish lifestyle. The reason why your DHs aren't able to do all those things is because they may like the idea of having children, but they don't want to actually put in the work of being a parent.

My DH is not like this. He's a morning person and does a lot. But, from what I have seen of most of my friends and sisters, most men can't seem to do more than the bare minimum as a parent/husband, and if you ask them to, they get all huffy and say that they think they do a lot.

[Anonymous]

I pity your husband.

He's missing out on their childhood. You, on the other hand (although tired and feeling resentful), can embrace and live in the moment with your kids.
Yes, the initial slog of waking up with kids every single morning is tough - no doubt - but the tradeoff off is some of my (and my kids') best memories are the silly games, pillow forts, crafts, etc we came up with during those mornings.
Meanwhile, husband was upstairs snoozing away and missing out for all those years.
He missed out, too, when he plunked himself on the couch all day long (sometimes with his rowdy friends) for all those years watching college and NFL football or hockey or the Nats game. Meanwhile, I stopped moping and wasting mental energy on resentment and took the kids to fall festivals, really fun outings, new playgrounds, etc.

You get the picture Op.
Our kids are older now and self sufficient so there's no need to have to wake up with them or be quite so hands-on as when they were little.

But husband will not know how fun it was to build those pilliw forts or know the origin of this goofy song me and the kids will sometimes sing, and the list goes on. Sad really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has some issues that are the root cause. Depression, addiction, porn, whatever, but look into it.

I'm a marriage and family therapist and surprised only one person has brought this up. OP he sounds like he has me that health issues going on. Please start with an evaluation first and foremost. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once again... most men should not have children. They are immature and don't want to give up their selfish lifestyle. The reason why your DHs aren't able to do all those things is because they may like the idea of having children, but they don't want to actually put in the work of being a parent.

My DH is not like this. He's a morning person and does a lot. But, from what I have seen of most of my friends and sisters, most men can't seem to do more than the bare minimum as a parent/husband, and if you ask them to, they get all huffy and say that they think they do a lot.

I literally don't know a single husband or father like this. Seriously, this isn't normal.

[Anonymous]

I'm a morning person and DH is not. But he more than does his share so I'm very happy to let him sleep in on the weekends. I realize this is not OP's situation but there are many ways to share the (sweet) burdens of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has some issues that are the root cause. Depression, addiction, porn, whatever, but look into it.

I'm a marriage and family therapist and surprised only one person has brought this up. OP he sounds like he has me that health issues going on. Please start with an evaluation first and foremost. Good luck.

+1. Shocked at how people just assume he’s a lazy, bad human. I believe nobody is lazy, they are always just struggling with something. I’ve had ADHD paralysis a lot and so much of my life makes sense since diagnosis. I can finally stop hating myself. OP, you don’t leave when your partner is depressed. He’s sick and he needs help. It’s hard, yes, but I can’t imagine jumping to divorce and doing that to your kids over this. Lean in with love, not blame. It’s not easy because you’ve been shouldering everything for so long. But your DH has had the heavy burden of depression, self loathing, feelings of worthlessness, and possibly addiction for this time too. Believe me, he hates himself right now.