Husband never gets up with kids in the morning

[Anonymous]

I have a friend in this scenario but she didn’t want to deal with the financial implications of divorce and the effect on her kids. So she moved her retired parents in and they do everything her DH should be doing. If this isn’t an option for you and you can afford it, could look into hiring an au pair or PT nanny/housekeeper. This is assuming you don’t want to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Wake. Him. Up.

Kids are up - both parents are up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works from home and can't get dinner on before you get back or unload the dishwasher?

Correct

To Op, I'm in a similar situation, but my H doesn't even work anymore and has no plans to ever again (he's not even 40 yet) He says he's a SAHD. He sleeps until at least 11am, won't take kids to school, won't help with chores,etc. He usually does make it to pick kids up from school though, but when I get home from work I have to make dinner and help with homework, laundry, etc. I told him I couldn't deal anymore.

He told me to divorce him, he would get physical custody of kids since he's the sahm parent and I wouldn't be able to afford childcare, and child support from me (which I can't afford to pay) I talked to a lawyer for advice and he told me he was likely mostly correct. I've worked my entire life since 14, built up a 401k, but my husband took a huge loan from it and took out credit cards in my name and ran them up. I have no way of proving I didn't take those cards out.

I'm just so tired and lost, and with 2 young kids, and can't afford divorce. I hate him viscerally at this point, and then he complains about the lack of sex and feeling appreciated by me, but he barely does anything to earn my appreciation.

I'm just so exhausted.

So glad I got my tubes tied during my c section for our surprise 2nd baby.

OP, I feel for you, and others in a similar situation.

Quit your job. Find a different lawyer. Then divorce. F that guy.

[Anonymous]

Explain to him tonight that you NEED him to get up in the morning with the kids so that you can catch up on some rest. No bringing the kids back into bed.

If that fails to happen, then call in sick on Monday and go look up lawyers to contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you ask him to wake up with the kids, to figure out dinner that night, to take the kids to an appointment, etc.?

He claims to not hear them wake up. If I didn’t cook dinner, he’d get takeout, he definitely wouldn’t cook. Or like I could never ask him to start dinner except maybe I could convince him to preheat the oven for me or pull something out to thaw. I could tell him to take them to an appointment or an activity occasionally, but probably could not rely on him for regular help, particularly if it required him to alter the schedule of his work day (which my DD’s dance definitely does). But 3 days on Tuesday our busiest activity night, I asked him to empty the dishwasher and trash and also put away a shipment of toilet paper we’d gotten days prior. I can home and none of it was done. In fact none of it is still done (though I caved and emptied the trash because it was so full.

NP - on trash. This is a great one to delegate out to the man child husband. When he doesn’t take it out and doesn’t remember to take it to the curb DO NOT step in and do it.

Just let that rot and pile up. Notice it, acknowledge it, say it and do not step in.

This is one of the few things where the natural consequence over about 3 years finally led to some consistent trash taking out. It will be humiliating for him. If a neighbor comments just chirp “yup! That’s my husbands job!” We all get the full depth of that message immediately 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works from home and can't get dinner on before you get back or unload the dishwasher?

Correct

To Op, I'm in a similar situation, but my H doesn't even work anymore and has no plans to ever again (he's not even 40 yet) He says he's a SAHD. He sleeps until at least 11am, won't take kids to school, won't help with chores,etc. He usually does make it to pick kids up from school though, but when I get home from work I have to make dinner and help with homework, laundry, etc. I told him I couldn't deal anymore.

He told me to divorce him, he would get physical custody of kids since he's the sahm parent and I wouldn't be able to afford childcare, and child support from me (which I can't afford to pay) I talked to a lawyer for advice and he told me he was likely mostly correct. I've worked my entire life since 14, built up a 401k, but my husband took a huge loan from it and took out credit cards in my name and ran them up. I have no way of proving I didn't take those cards out.

I'm just so tired and lost, and with 2 young kids, and can't afford divorce. I hate him viscerally at this point, and then he complains about the lack of sex and feeling appreciated by me, but he barely does anything to earn my appreciation.

I'm just so exhausted.

So glad I got my tubes tied during my c section for our surprise 2nd baby.

OP, I feel for you, and others in a similar situation.

Quit your job. Find a different lawyer. Then divorce. F that guy.

No, first start buying stuff. Buy tons $200 gift cards to Amazon, the grocery store, everything. Then if you have a relative you trust start giving them money to hold for you. Then quit your job and divorce. You’ll have nothing in assets but you’ll be free. The longer you play along with the SAHD scenario the worse it will be.

How many years have you been married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you ask him to wake up with the kids, to figure out dinner that night, to take the kids to an appointment, etc.?

He claims to not hear them wake up. If I didn’t cook dinner, he’d get takeout, he definitely wouldn’t cook. Or like I could never ask him to start dinner except maybe I could convince him to preheat the oven for me or pull something out to thaw. I could tell him to take them to an appointment or an activity occasionally, but probably could not rely on him for regular help, particularly if it required him to alter the schedule of his work day (which my DD’s dance definitely does). But 3 days on Tuesday our busiest activity night, I asked him to empty the dishwasher and trash and also put away a shipment of toilet paper we’d gotten days prior. I can home and none of it was done. In fact none of it is still done (though I caved and emptied the trash because it was so full.

Sorry I’m the poster above I didn’t see this when I posted.

So you hear them get up, and you get up? Why don’t you just roll over and shake him awake? Or do you not sleep in the same bed?

I do get up. When I force him to wake up, he has them climb into bed with us and then falls back asleep. Then I get annoyed/can’t go back to sleep so I just get up. So I maybe wouldn’t even mind getting up before him as I’m more a morning person if A) I wasn’t solo parenting for an additional 3-4 hours in the morning or B) there were trade offs for me to be the one to do this.

And I don’t know how we go here either. Just little by little he started doing less so I started doing more. Weirdly, him WFH has made it worse.

PP here. Okay, that is clarifying.

Tomorrow morning, when he tries to put the kids in bed, you say, “no I’m sleeping, take them in another room.” If he lays down, you shake him. “No sleeping! You are in charge of the kids!”

Even if it sucks for you (which it clearly will for at least the first few times) do. not. get. up. Your husband is a jack@$$. Your only option is to be incredibly, unreasonably, absurdly stubborn about what you won’t do. Sucks, but it’s better than exhaustion. It’s like training a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you ask him to wake up with the kids, to figure out dinner that night, to take the kids to an appointment, etc.?

He claims to not hear them wake up. If I didn’t cook dinner, he’d get takeout, he definitely wouldn’t cook. Or like I could never ask him to start dinner except maybe I could convince him to preheat the oven for me or pull something out to thaw. I could tell him to take them to an appointment or an activity occasionally, but probably could not rely on him for regular help, particularly if it required him to alter the schedule of his work day (which my DD’s dance definitely does). But 3 days on Tuesday our busiest activity night, I asked him to empty the dishwasher and trash and also put away a shipment of toilet paper we’d gotten days prior. I can home and none of it was done. In fact none of it is still done (though I caved and emptied the trash because it was so full.

Sorry I’m the poster above I didn’t see this when I posted.

So you hear them get up, and you get up? Why don’t you just roll over and shake him awake? Or do you not sleep in the same bed?

I do get up. When I force him to wake up, he has them climb into bed with us and then falls back asleep. Then I get annoyed/can’t go back to sleep so I just get up. So I maybe wouldn’t even mind getting up before him as I’m more a morning person if A) I wasn’t solo parenting for an additional 3-4 hours in the morning or B) there were trade offs for me to be the one to do this.

And I don’t know how we go here either. Just little by little he started doing less so I started doing more. Weirdly, him WFH has made it worse.

PP here. Okay, that is clarifying.

Tomorrow morning, when he tries to put the kids in bed, you say, “no I’m sleeping, take them in another room.” If he lays down, you shake him. “No sleeping! You are in charge of the kids!”

Even if it sucks for you (which it clearly will for at least the first few times) do. not. get. up. Your husband is a jack@$$. Your only option is to be incredibly, unreasonably, absurdly stubborn about what you won’t do. Sucks, but it’s better than exhaustion. It’s like training a toddler.

We majorly had it out today over this, so I think it will change for tomorrow but I’m not convinced after that. I’m also making him take DD to a birthday party tomorrow (something he has NEVER done). Just somewhere along the line, he started treating weekends like he was in his 20s again and then WFH has just caused him to be lazier in general so it’s trickled down into weekdays too. He has it so easy, it’s truly enraging

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing he helps out with is their bath time?

He also takes them to the bus stop in the morning (3 houses down and he WFH) but I get them ready before I leave for work.

So you have to get yourself ready and the kids and then commute to work while he sleeps in and can work in his pajamas? Ridiculous. Starting next week you have a very important 7 am meeting twice a week for a new project you’re working on. Leave the house by 6:30 and let him figure it out.

Yes, this is exactly the situation and then he has the audacity to claim that he takes care of mornings. He doesn’t even feed them, they’re eating breakfast at school. Multiple times they’ve missed the bus because he didn’t get up in time. I also explicitly signed them up for the bus so he didn’t have to do the car line because I knew he couldn’t handle that.

[Anonymous]

OP- The only person you can change here is you. You have to start letting go of some things and let them fail so that he can step in.

Stop getting the kids ready in the morning. Leave the house. Be okay with the kids maybe not having everything they need or not getting a lunch. Maybe they’ll be late.

Be okay with assigning him dinner and then getting take out. If it becomes an issue with additional spending, then cut the cost from something he wants to do.

Be okay with walking out of the house on a Saturday morning and not coming back for hours. Let him sit in it. When kids are whining that they’re hungry, tell them to wake their dad. Put on headphones and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you ask him to wake up with the kids, to figure out dinner that night, to take the kids to an appointment, etc.?

He claims to not hear them wake up. If I didn’t cook dinner, he’d get takeout, he definitely wouldn’t cook. Or like I could never ask him to start dinner except maybe I could convince him to preheat the oven for me or pull something out to thaw. I could tell him to take them to an appointment or an activity occasionally, but probably could not rely on him for regular help, particularly if it required him to alter the schedule of his work day (which my DD’s dance definitely does). But 3 days on Tuesday our busiest activity night, I asked him to empty the dishwasher and trash and also put away a shipment of toilet paper we’d gotten days prior. I can home and none of it was done. In fact none of it is still done (though I caved and emptied the trash because it was so full.

NP - on trash. This is a great one to delegate out to the man child husband. When he doesn’t take it out and doesn’t remember to take it to the curb DO NOT step in and do it.

Just let that rot and pile up. Notice it, acknowledge it, say it and do not step in.

This is one of the few things where the natural consequence over about 3 years finally led to some consistent trash taking out. It will be humiliating for him. If a neighbor comments just chirp “yup! That’s my husbands job!” We all get the full depth of that message immediately 😂

NP. I'm laughing out loud. Three years?! My husband is the lazy trash taker outer, but i gave in and picked up the slack because I was tired of the smell. Tired of the dog getting the trash when it overflows. Tired of ants. Tired of looking at the can at the end of the driveway on Friday when trash day was Tuesday. Still the recycling continues to pile up...earlier I was balancing an empty seltzer can on top of a huge pile of amazon boxes (boxes that I had to break down, obviously).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- The only person you can change here is you. You have to start letting go of some things and let them fail so that he can step in.

Stop getting the kids ready in the morning. Leave the house. Be okay with the kids maybe not having everything they need or not getting a lunch. Maybe they’ll be late.

Be okay with assigning him dinner and then getting take out. If it becomes an issue with additional spending, then cut the cost from something he wants to do.

Be okay with walking out of the house on a Saturday morning and not coming back for hours. Let him sit in it. When kids are whining that they’re hungry, tell them to wake their dad. Put on headphones and walk away.

I never understood this tactic. The kids will be late to school -- but many husbands DO NOT CARE, and they won't change their ways to avoid being late. My husband thinks school attendance is optional, and he's fine with them eating crap for every meal so he's not going to help with cooking. He would eat PBJ/takeout every night if I weren't around. Men typically have pathetically low standards. I have gone away for a weekend, and my husband will let our daughters go the entire weekend without brushing their hair, so I have a huge knotted mass to deal with when I come back. The ones who end up suffering are the children.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have a guest room?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have a guest room?

Uh, sort of… there’s a bed in there somewhere (mostly storage since we rarely have out of town guests anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- The only person you can change here is you. You have to start letting go of some things and let them fail so that he can step in.

Stop getting the kids ready in the morning. Leave the house. Be okay with the kids maybe not having everything they need or not getting a lunch. Maybe they’ll be late.

Be okay with assigning him dinner and then getting take out. If it becomes an issue with additional spending, then cut the cost from something he wants to do.

Be okay with walking out of the house on a Saturday morning and not coming back for hours. Let him sit in it. When kids are whining that they’re hungry, tell them to wake their dad. Put on headphones and walk away.

I never understood this tactic. The kids will be late to school -- but many husbands DO NOT CARE, and they won't change their ways to avoid being late. My husband thinks school attendance is optional, and he's fine with them eating crap for every meal so he's not going to help with cooking. He would eat PBJ/takeout every night if I weren't around. Men typically have pathetically low standards. I have gone away for a weekend, and my husband will let our daughters go the entire weekend without brushing their hair, so I have a huge knotted mass to deal with when I come back. The ones who end up suffering are the children.

Well in this case you should divorce.

OP sounds like she has been giving her man child a free pass. She needs to simply FORCE him to take action by not being around. So many men will take advantage of female labor and let you do it all.

OP also needs to evaluate herself and figure out how she got to this point. It sounds extreme and while the DH is the one at fault, OP played a role in enabling the behavior.