Husband never gets up with kids in the morning

[Anonymous]

So no tradeoff where you can do whatever in the afternoons or whatever?

I'm confused too - at what point does he engage with the kids if he's sleeping or doing his own thing for the rest of the day?

[Anonymous]

This sounds beyond hope. I have a lovely husband who did lots of things, but it was very hard for him when I decided the division of labor had to change for getting up with our special needs kid. The division of labor had worked for a long time, but as I aged, I couldn’t do the vast majority of the wake ups. He really couldn’t hear me for about 18 months and I was really unhappy. I finally told him I was so desperate for sleep that I was looking at renting a studio to sleep in every other night.

We have been 50/50 on wake ups since then. I hate that it took so long to get him there, but he also was generally doing lots of other things. Your dude sounds like a jerk.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but that sounds awful and untenable. I don’t know any parent that sleeps in that late and I have known some very lazy and unhelpful men. I’d I were in your shoes, I’d start couples therapy and if that didn’t improve the situation, I’d pursue a separation agreement and finally divorce. The resentment could kill the marriage in a few years anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds beyond hope. I have a lovely husband who did lots of things, but it was very hard for him when I decided the division of labor had to change for getting up with our special needs kid. The division of labor had worked for a long time, but as I aged, I couldn’t do the vast majority of the wake ups. He really couldn’t hear me for about 18 months and I was really unhappy. I finally told him I was so desperate for sleep that I was looking at renting a studio to sleep in every other night.

We have been 50/50 on wake ups since then. I hate that it took so long to get him there, but he also was generally doing lots of other things. Your dude sounds like a jerk.

Yes, this is where I’m at. Just can’t do it all anymore. It’s harder as they get older and have activities and homework (we he also doesn’t ever help with). Also work is completely kicking my butt. I make the same amount of money as him, but have a much more stressful job and also a commute. I’m just so burnt out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So no tradeoff where you can do whatever in the afternoons or whatever?

I'm confused too - at what point does he engage with the kids if he's sleeping or doing his own thing for the rest of the day?

No, he works out in the afternoons on the weekends so I have to stay home with them. Usually when he comes home I will take a nap for an hour and mostly be left alone to do that.

Honestly, he doesn’t spend much time with them especially during the week. He will help out with bath time but they are getting fairly self sufficient (need help washing hair) but I do bedtime

[Anonymous]

The only thing he helps out with is their bath time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing he helps out with is their bath time?

He also takes them to the bus stop in the morning (3 houses down and he WFH) but I get them ready before I leave for work.

[Anonymous]

He works from home and can't get dinner on before you get back or unload the dishwasher?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He works from home and can't get dinner on before you get back or unload the dishwasher?

Correct

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works from home and can't get dinner on before you get back or unload the dishwasher?

Correct

See a lawyer and file.

[Anonymous]

If he's that lazy, he might not even want the kids half of the time in a divorce. He'll be that dad who never shows up for his time with the kids. I'm a single mom who does everything and I wouldn't be able to stand having a lazy man around the house like that. But just be careful. Nobody can force a parent to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works from home and can't get dinner on before you get back or unload the dishwasher?

Correct

So what exactly has to happen before you go nuclear and take real steps to end this? What is stopping you from putting this on the table and saying “I’m taking steps to get out of this marriage” and then actually contacting a lawyer. What more are you waiting for? A fairy godmother? A miracle? Magical thinking to take over?

[Anonymous]

Does he have an undiagnosed medical issue? I ask in all seriousness. This sounds a lot like my DH, who did next to nothing at all until he started taking medication for ADHD, and had a much needed job change.

If it is a medical issue, treatment won't solve everything, but it helps. DH now gets up earlier, and he took over a couple of tasks after I lost it (he makes school lunch, now). It's also easier for us to talk about this stuff and for me to call him out as needed.

But a lot of the other stuff is the same.... he takes DD to school, but really that's just driving her after he rolls out of bed and I've done the other morning work. He doesn't plan or cook any dinners unless the grill is involved. He never does dishes. We alternate grocery shopping. He's never planned a play date, bday party, family activity, etc etc.

But - we're happy and have made it work. I'm a little resentful at times (mostly about the dishes) but I've come to accept that I have a partner with an executive function disorder and we have to adjust a bit around that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's that lazy, he might not even want the kids half of the time in a divorce. He'll be that dad who never shows up for his time with the kids. I'm a single mom who does everything and I wouldn't be able to stand having a lazy man around the house like that. But just be careful. Nobody can force a parent to parent.

Np. That’s what I think…what if he wants no custody? Is that a thing?

[Anonymous]

Talk to him. Tell him that you’re not longer letting him get away with this. Send the kids in to wake up Daddy on the weekends and go back to bed.

Tell him the alternative is divorce.