Husband never gets up with kids in the morning

[Anonymous]

So he got up with her but gave her the iPad (explicitly not allowed in the mornings because she won’t put it away when asked and sets the tone for the entire day) and didn’t feed her breakfast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he got up with her but gave her the iPad (explicitly not allowed in the mornings because she won’t put it away when asked and sets the tone for the entire day) and didn’t feed her breakfast.

Other kid actually slept in lol. Go figure

[Anonymous]

Work on simple things like dry cereal, fruit or yogurt she can get for herself on his mornings. He gets to be the one to have her out away the iPad and take her to the party later.

Little steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m exhausted… I get up everyday at 5am for work, he doesn’t wake up till 7:15am. On the weekends he NEVER gets up with the kids who are usually up around 6:30-7am. Today he didn’t get up till 10am. I’m so exhausted I could cry. I’m also the one to take them to all of their activities while he sits at home. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t grocery shop, doesn’t empty the dishwasher, doesn’t empty the trash. I could go on… I feel sick I’m so run down and exhausted. I’m just at my wits end and don’t know what to do as he just doesn’t seem to care at all.

Why would he when you do everything. You complain about him doing nothing to help but complain on an anonymous chat room. He doesn't care. If you want him to help and do his part then you talk to him! Before I got married my fiance and I discussed that we were a team. I told him that while I would be the one to be pregnant that after the kid was born, he had do his part in caring for them. You can never split the job 50l50 but there are many ways to split the load.

You need to grow a backbone and have a serious discussion with him about this and, frankly, you need marriage counseling about this to open his eyes before you decide to see a divorce lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m exhausted… I get up everyday at 5am for work, he doesn’t wake up till 7:15am. On the weekends he NEVER gets up with the kids who are usually up around 6:30-7am. Today he didn’t get up till 10am. I’m so exhausted I could cry. I’m also the one to take them to all of their activities while he sits at home. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t grocery shop, doesn’t empty the dishwasher, doesn’t empty the trash. I could go on… I feel sick I’m so run down and exhausted. I’m just at my wits end and don’t know what to do as he just doesn’t seem to care at all.

Why would he when you do everything. You complain about him doing nothing to help but complain on an anonymous chat room. He doesn't care. If you want him to help and do his part then you talk to him! Before I got married my fiance and I discussed that we were a team. I told him that while I would be the one to be pregnant that after the kid was born, he had do his part in caring for them. You can never split the job 50l50 but there are many ways to split the load.

You need to grow a backbone and have a serious discussion with him about this and, frankly, you need marriage counseling about this to open his eyes before you decide to see a divorce lawyer.

Might want to read the entire thread. Also, we had the exact same conversation before we got married and things changed, ever so slowly, little by little where I almost didn’t notice until I was drowning.

[Anonymous]

I'm the mom and I always sleep in (10 am today) but I've always took care of the evenings, including dinner, bath, reading, bedtime. Yours needs to handle evenings.

[Anonymous]

I mean all the posters are right about this being part of the patriarchy, sexism, etc. But it is pretty tough to solve for systemic issues of thousands of years within one marriage. All OP can really solve for is her own personal family.

And all this advice about how to make a man do more won’t really succeed if he is inherently a jackass. I’m the poster who got her husband to move to 50/50 wakeups for a special need kid — but it worked because he isn’t a jerk. Without me asking, he does laundry, trash, yard work, sweeping, putting food away, bedtime, etc. and he has done all this throughout our marriage.

I think the one hard thing in this post is determining if this guy is a jerk or actually perhaps suffering from some sort of issue like depression. If I were OP, I would consider the mental health aspect. But she likely knows whether this is situational or he is a jerk. And if he really is just a jerk that won’t do anything without a fight, I would likely divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean all the posters are right about this being part of the patriarchy, sexism, etc. But it is pretty tough to solve for systemic issues of thousands of years within one marriage. All OP can really solve for is her own personal family.

And all this advice about how to make a man do more won’t really succeed if he is inherently a jackass. I’m the poster who got her husband to move to 50/50 wakeups for a special need kid — but it worked because he isn’t a jerk. Without me asking, he does laundry, trash, yard work, sweeping, putting food away, bedtime, etc. and he has done all this throughout our marriage.

I think the one hard thing in this post is determining if this guy is a jerk or actually perhaps suffering from some sort of issue like depression. If I were OP, I would consider the mental health aspect. But she likely knows whether this is situational or he is a jerk. And if he really is just a jerk that won’t do anything without a fight, I would likely divorce.

Either OP's husband is a jerk who has always been like this (in which case that's on her for marrying and having two kids with him) OR he has mental health issues going on. People don't suddenly become selfish, useless jackasses within a short period of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m exhausted… I get up everyday at 5am for work, he doesn’t wake up till 7:15am. On the weekends he NEVER gets up with the kids who are usually up around 6:30-7am. Today he didn’t get up till 10am. I’m so exhausted I could cry. I’m also the one to take them to all of their activities while he sits at home. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t grocery shop, doesn’t empty the dishwasher, doesn’t empty the trash. I could go on… I feel sick I’m so run down and exhausted. I’m just at my wits end and don’t know what to do as he just doesn’t seem to care at all.

Why would he when you do everything. You complain about him doing nothing to help but complain on an anonymous chat room. He doesn't care. If you want him to help and do his part then you talk to him! Before I got married my fiance and I discussed that we were a team. I told him that while I would be the one to be pregnant that after the kid was born, he had do his part in caring for them. You can never split the job 50l50 but there are many ways to split the load.

You need to grow a backbone and have a serious discussion with him about this and, frankly, you need marriage counseling about this to open his eyes before you decide to see a divorce lawyer.

Might want to read the entire thread. Also, we had the exact same conversation before we got married and things changed, ever so slowly, little by little where I almost didn’t notice until I was drowning.

I don't need to read the whole thread to know that you allowed this to happen. Good for him. He has you doing everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you. This resulted in divorce for me eventually.

Currently separating for this very reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i hate to be the one to say this, but he does nothing because you have allowed him to do nothing. it seems to have gotten worse over the past year or so, though.

did he ever do anything more than the minimum?

i would say take one week and write down every single thing that you do and have him do the same. this will make it abundantly clear that the division of labor is out of whack. tell him that you both work and even that your work takes 10 hours per day including commute and his takes 8 (with your actual numbers). tell him he should actually be doing MORE THAN HALF of the weekly tasks and that you have had it and are considering divorce (if you are). then divide up the tasks and DO NOT DO ANY OF HIS TASKS.

he needs to go to bed at a decent hour. if he does, he will naturally wake up earlier. i stay up way past when my husband goes to bed, but i don't sleep all day because of it.

if you are interested in staying together, then go to counseling.

he sounds like a colossal jerk.

my husband doesn't do everything just as i would like, but he certainly takes out the trash and unloads the dishwasher, ALWAYS, without being told. if he forgets to unload, the dishes in the sink will pile up. i pretty much never do it, maybe 5 times a year if he is working on something else big, like doing the flower beds or something. he also does all the yard work and all the fixing of broken things. not that this is ideal, but it is better than nothing, which is what your man does.

UGH ... sorry you have to deal with all this.

This right here.

I'd like to point out that this "He does nothing because you have allowed him to do nothing " is *complete" bs.

Let's try some modifications:
* "He stole the car because you allowed him to steal the car"
* "He shot his wife because you allowed him to shoot his wife"
* "He ate all of the cupcakes because you allowed him to eat all the cupcakes"
* "She was raped because you allowed her to be raped"

OP, I'm sorry. I read your thread and I see exhaustion from all of us. Your DH is not doing well with it. But his behavior is not your fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband never gets up with the kids either. Maybe once a year on my birthday but that’s not even guaranteed. We have argued over it endlessly. I
He’s also stays up late. After eight years, I gave up arguing about it. And I am happier. And I 100 percent take naps. Would still prefer to sleep in but life is short to be bitter. Unless it is something I would change by divorcing him (it’s not), I let this one go.

+1 If my DH does get up with the kids, they are watching TV. Tbh I just don’t care anymore. It’s actually worse when I sleep in because the kids are hungry (no breakfast yet), have watched an hour of TV and my DH is tired. Not worth it! So I just focus on how nice it feels to be productive early in the morning and I go to bed early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has some issues that are the root cause. Depression, addiction, porn, whatever, but look into it.

I'm a marriage and family therapist and surprised only one person has brought this up. OP he sounds like he has me that health issues going on. Please start with an evaluation first and foremost. Good luck.

+1. Shocked at how people just assume he’s a lazy, bad human. I believe nobody is lazy, they are always just struggling with something. I’ve had ADHD paralysis a lot and so much of my life makes sense since diagnosis. I can finally stop hating myself. OP, you don’t leave when your partner is depressed. He’s sick and he needs help. It’s hard, yes, but I can’t imagine jumping to divorce and doing that to your kids over this. Lean in with love, not blame. It’s not easy because you’ve been shouldering everything for so long. But your DH has had the heavy burden of depression, self loathing, feelings of worthlessness, and possibly addiction for this time too. Believe me, he hates himself right now.

Or he's having an affair and doesn't give AF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- The only person you can change here is you. You have to start letting go of some things and let them fail so that he can step in.

Stop getting the kids ready in the morning. Leave the house. Be okay with the kids maybe not having everything they need or not getting a lunch. Maybe they’ll be late.

Be okay with assigning him dinner and then getting take out. If it becomes an issue with additional spending, then cut the cost from something he wants to do.

Be okay with walking out of the house on a Saturday morning and not coming back for hours. Let him sit in it. When kids are whining that they’re hungry, tell them to wake their dad. Put on headphones and walk away.

I never understood this tactic. The kids will be late to school -- but many husbands DO NOT CARE, and they won't change their ways to avoid being late. My husband thinks school attendance is optional, and he's fine with them eating crap for every meal so he's not going to help with cooking. He would eat PBJ/takeout every night if I weren't around. Men typically have pathetically low standards. I have gone away for a weekend, and my husband will let our daughters go the entire weekend without brushing their hair, so I have a huge knotted mass to deal with when I come back. The ones who end up suffering are the children.

Maybe the men you know. NONE of the men I know are like this. I guess it makes you feel better to think all men are like this? Or even most men? They aren't. Not by a long shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you ask him to wake up with the kids, to figure out dinner that night, to take the kids to an appointment, etc.?

He claims to not hear them wake up. If I didn’t cook dinner, he’d get takeout, he definitely wouldn’t cook. Or like I could never ask him to start dinner except maybe I could convince him to preheat the oven for me or pull something out to thaw. I could tell him to take them to an appointment or an activity occasionally, but probably could not rely on him for regular help, particularly if it required him to alter the schedule of his work day (which my DD’s dance definitely does). But 3 days on Tuesday our busiest activity night, I asked him to empty the dishwasher and trash and also put away a shipment of toilet paper we’d gotten days prior. I can home and none of it was done. In fact none of it is still done (though I caved and emptied the trash because it was so full.

Sorry I’m the poster above I didn’t see this when I posted.

So you hear them get up, and you get up? Why don’t you just roll over and shake him awake? Or do you not sleep in the same bed?

This is what elbows are for.