Husband never gets up with kids in the morning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- The only person you can change here is you. You have to start letting go of some things and let them fail so that he can step in.

Stop getting the kids ready in the morning. Leave the house. Be okay with the kids maybe not having everything they need or not getting a lunch. Maybe they’ll be late.

Be okay with assigning him dinner and then getting take out. If it becomes an issue with additional spending, then cut the cost from something he wants to do.

Be okay with walking out of the house on a Saturday morning and not coming back for hours. Let him sit in it. When kids are whining that they’re hungry, tell them to wake their dad. Put on headphones and walk away.

I generally agree, but this hurts the kids, who are not at fault here. I'd be loathe to let this happen to my kids. There has to be a better way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- The only person you can change here is you. You have to start letting go of some things and let them fail so that he can step in.

Stop getting the kids ready in the morning. Leave the house. Be okay with the kids maybe not having everything they need or not getting a lunch. Maybe they’ll be late.

Be okay with assigning him dinner and then getting take out. If it becomes an issue with additional spending, then cut the cost from something he wants to do.

Be okay with walking out of the house on a Saturday morning and not coming back for hours. Let him sit in it. When kids are whining that they’re hungry, tell them to wake their dad. Put on headphones and walk away.

I generally agree, but this hurts the kids, who are not at fault here. I'd be loathe to let this happen to my kids. There has to be a better way.

You cannot do it all. I haven't read the whole thread, so I don't know how old the kids are. Old enough, and the kids can learn to do for themselves. Until then, I'd send them to their dad as the poster above suggests. He can slap some peanut butter on bread. I'd also start a chore chart. Everyone gets age appropriate chores. Be comfortable that things get done, even if not to your satisfaction. Sometimes, guys just need to be told you want them to do something. They don't see the thing that needs doing that you see. Tell him you are exhausted and the choice is to help or to check you into the hospital for treatment for exhaustion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again... most men should not have children. They are immature and don't want to give up their selfish lifestyle. The reason why your DHs aren't able to do all those things is because they may like the idea of having children, but they don't want to actually put in the work of being a parent.

My DH is not like this. He's a morning person and does a lot. But, from what I have seen of most of my friends and sisters, most men can't seem to do more than the bare minimum as a parent/husband, and if you ask them to, they get all huffy and say that they think they do a lot.

I literally don't know a single husband or father like this. Seriously, this isn't normal.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you. This resulted in divorce for me eventually.

Currently separating for this very reason.

Yep, divorced him 5 years ago after 9 years of him sleeping in and never doing anything. Ironically, towards the end, I just completely stopped doing all the things around the house and during the divorce he came up with this narrative that I was a lazy and unfit mother because all I did was the grocery shopping and putting the kids to bed. Yeah...sure, Jan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m exhausted… I get up everyday at 5am for work, he doesn’t wake up till 7:15am. On the weekends he NEVER gets up with the kids who are usually up around 6:30-7am. Today he didn’t get up till 10am. I’m so exhausted I could cry. I’m also the one to take them to all of their activities while he sits at home. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t grocery shop, doesn’t empty the dishwasher, doesn’t empty the trash. I could go on… I feel sick I’m so run down and exhausted. I’m just at my wits end and don’t know what to do as he just doesn’t seem to care at all.

Have very similar op: here are my suggestions maybe they can work for you. 1) sleep in separate bedrooms from dh, sorry but this is the way to deal with the not hearing the kids or letting them in bed with you thing. He can let them in bed with him and you can sleep. 2) or a meal delivery service for some of the days of the week, even just for the kids, to relieve the pressure on you, and 3) hire a cleaner every other week. The rest of it I can’t help, but this is what I’ve done to mitigate some of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m exhausted… I get up everyday at 5am for work, he doesn’t wake up till 7:15am. On the weekends he NEVER gets up with the kids who are usually up around 6:30-7am. Today he didn’t get up till 10am. I’m so exhausted I could cry. I’m also the one to take them to all of their activities while he sits at home. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t grocery shop, doesn’t empty the dishwasher, doesn’t empty the trash. I could go on… I feel sick I’m so run down and exhausted. I’m just at my wits end and don’t know what to do as he just doesn’t seem to care at all.

Have very similar op: here are my suggestions maybe they can work for you. 1) sleep in separate bedrooms from dh, sorry but this is the way to deal with the not hearing the kids or letting them in bed with you thing. He can let them in bed with him and you can sleep. 2) or a meal delivery service for some of the days of the week, even just for the kids, to relieve the pressure on you, and 3) hire a cleaner every other week. The rest of it I can’t help, but this is what I’ve done to mitigate some of it.

Sorry, similar dh- not op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing he helps out with is their bath time?

He also takes them to the bus stop in the morning (3 houses down and he WFH) but I get them ready before I leave for work.

So you have to get yourself ready and the kids and then commute to work while he sleeps in and can work in his pajamas? Ridiculous. Starting next week you have a very important 7 am meeting twice a week for a new project you’re working on. Leave the house by 6:30 and let him figure it out.

+1. That is, if you want to stay in this marriage. And if you do, you need to have the hard conversations and set some boundaries. Yes, there is going to be some pain/adjustment for the kids. I'd tell your husband point blank you will be turning over more daily life stuff to him and if he doesn't want to participate in daily life then you'll go do it on your own. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what happens when they wake up? Why don’t you push his ass out of the bed?

Also, why are your kids up so damn early?!? Mine get up and color/ play for about 2 hours until we get up. You can even leave food out for them. I have a newborn, 3 and a 5 year old. They’re actually pleased they get to get up early and don’t have to stay in their rooms. You just train them on what to do.

First time posting on this thread, but that's great that your "training" has worked for you but not all kids will happily play for 2 hours in the morning while their parents lounge in bed. One of mine will for an hour or so, another will not, no matter how much "training" we try.

I don't know any newborn who wouldn't cry bloody murder if he/she was ignored for two hours after waking up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what happens when they wake up? Why don’t you push his ass out of the bed?

Also, why are your kids up so damn early?!? Mine get up and color/ play for about 2 hours until we get up. You can even leave food out for them. I have a newborn, 3 and a 5 year old. They’re actually pleased they get to get up early and don’t have to stay in their rooms. You just train them on what to do.

First time posting on this thread, but that's great that your "training" has worked for you but not all kids will happily play for 2 hours in the morning while their parents lounge in bed. One of mine will for an hour or so, another will not, no matter how much "training" we try.

I don't know any newborn who wouldn't cry bloody murder if he/she was ignored for two hours after waking up

+1 and I would extend this to older babies. My 15 month old wakes up at 6 a.m. sharp (but sleeps a solid 10.5 hour stretch through the night) and there's no way I could leave him in his crib for two hours. He would definitely not be playing quietly by himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what happens when they wake up? Why don’t you push his ass out of the bed?

Also, why are your kids up so damn early?!? Mine get up and color/ play for about 2 hours until we get up. You can even leave food out for them. I have a newborn, 3 and a 5 year old. They’re actually pleased they get to get up early and don’t have to stay in their rooms. You just train them on what to do.

First time posting on this thread, but that's great that your "training" has worked for you but not all kids will happily play for 2 hours in the morning while their parents lounge in bed. One of mine will for an hour or so, another will not, no matter how much "training" we try.

I don't know any newborn who wouldn't cry bloody murder if he/she was ignored for two hours after waking up

+1 and I would extend this to older babies. My 15 month old wakes up at 6 a.m. sharp (but sleeps a solid 10.5 hour stretch through the night) and there's no way I could leave him in his crib for two hours. He would definitely not be playing quietly by himself.

+2. This poster sounds abusive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has some issues that are the root cause. Depression, addiction, porn, whatever, but look into it.

I'm a marriage and family therapist and surprised only one person has brought this up. OP he sounds like he has me that health issues going on. Please start with an evaluation first and foremost. Good luck.

+1. Shocked at how people just assume he’s a lazy, bad human. I believe nobody is lazy, they are always just struggling with something. I’ve had ADHD paralysis a lot and so much of my life makes sense since diagnosis. I can finally stop hating myself. OP, you don’t leave when your partner is depressed. He’s sick and he needs help. It’s hard, yes, but I can’t imagine jumping to divorce and doing that to your kids over this. Lean in with love, not blame. It’s not easy because you’ve been shouldering everything for so long. But your DH has had the heavy burden of depression, self loathing, feelings of worthlessness, and possibly addiction for this time too. Believe me, he hates himself right now.

Give me a break. Every man I know is like the OP's spouse. They're not sick; they are taking advantage of their wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are several people here blaming you. This is NOT your fault.

I've been in your shoes. I tried most of the things suggested in this thread. It never got better. My kids are now teens and they have almost no relationship with their dad. We're divorcing.

I think the worst part was that when his parents visited he was awesome. He did so much around the house and he was engaging. The moment they left, he would turn back into an unhelpful person who ignored us.

OP absolutely does play a role in this.

Every woman I know in a situation like this is a giant enabler and control freak.

No way in heck I would put up with what OP is enabling. Same with any other sane woman. I would simply leave for work in the morning and let him handle everything. I wouldn’t make dinner at night, do dishes or really do anything. No one put a gun to OP’s head and forced her to do everything. She did it voluntarily and now people like you are saying she’s not at fault. Really???? Men are going to continue to take advantage of unpaid labor as long as women like OP keep providing it.

OP thought a post about taking a trip to Miami was FUNNY. Really! I would have been gone so long ago. My life matters and I refuse to do everything at home and work a job while my man child watches TV.

As OP pointed out, they do not step up, things do not get done, the kids eat junk food, they don't even make it to school, and the house stinks because the trash has piled up. Ultimately, they don't care about the children and women like the OP do, so however much they'd like to just leave, put on their headphones, do nothing, etc., they just can't....because they don't want their kids living in squalor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are several people here blaming you. This is NOT your fault.

I've been in your shoes. I tried most of the things suggested in this thread. It never got better. My kids are now teens and they have almost no relationship with their dad. We're divorcing.

I think the worst part was that when his parents visited he was awesome. He did so much around the house and he was engaging. The moment they left, he would turn back into an unhelpful person who ignored us.

OP absolutely does play a role in this.

Every woman I know in a situation like this is a giant enabler and control freak.

No way in heck I would put up with what OP is enabling. Same with any other sane woman. I would simply leave for work in the morning and let him handle everything. I wouldn’t make dinner at night, do dishes or really do anything. No one put a gun to OP’s head and forced her to do everything. She did it voluntarily and now people like you are saying she’s not at fault. Really???? Men are going to continue to take advantage of unpaid labor as long as women like OP keep providing it.

OP thought a post about taking a trip to Miami was FUNNY. Really! I would have been gone so long ago. My life matters and I refuse to do everything at home and work a job while my man child watches TV.

As OP pointed out, they do not step up, things do not get done, the kids eat junk food, they don't even make it to school, and the house stinks because the trash has piled up. Ultimately, they don't care about the children and women like the OP do, so however much they'd like to just leave, put on their headphones, do nothing, etc., they just can't....because they don't want their kids living in squalor.

+100 to this.
DP. I do 95% of all childcare and household tasks, plus work full time. I do it so my little girls have healthy food, clean clothes, and don't live in filth. Men like this don't step up, and the children suffer for it.

[Anonymous]

Leave for a weekend (plan a trip with a girlfriend) so he has to deal. Worked for me.

[Anonymous]

Mine doesn't either! I assigned him evening carpool. It evened out.

I have also quit grocery shopping for the family. He found the grocery store, against all odds! And I started asking him "what's for dinner?" PPs who say that men will take advantage are spot on.