Husband never gets up with kids in the morning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- The only person you can change here is you. You have to start letting go of some things and let them fail so that he can step in.

Stop getting the kids ready in the morning. Leave the house. Be okay with the kids maybe not having everything they need or not getting a lunch. Maybe they’ll be late.

Be okay with assigning him dinner and then getting take out. If it becomes an issue with additional spending, then cut the cost from something he wants to do.

Be okay with walking out of the house on a Saturday morning and not coming back for hours. Let him sit in it. When kids are whining that they’re hungry, tell them to wake their dad. Put on headphones and walk away.

I never understood this tactic. The kids will be late to school -- but many husbands DO NOT CARE, and they won't change their ways to avoid being late. My husband thinks school attendance is optional, and he's fine with them eating crap for every meal so he's not going to help with cooking. He would eat PBJ/takeout every night if I weren't around. Men typically have pathetically low standards. I have gone away for a weekend, and my husband will let our daughters go the entire weekend without brushing their hair, so I have a huge knotted mass to deal with when I come back. The ones who end up suffering are the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing he helps out with is their bath time?

He also takes them to the bus stop in the morning (3 houses down and he WFH) but I get them ready before I leave for work.

So you have to get yourself ready and the kids and then commute to work while he sleeps in and can work in his pajamas? Ridiculous. Starting next week you have a very important 7 am meeting twice a week for a new project you’re working on. Leave the house by 6:30 and let him figure it out.

Yes, this is exactly the situation and then he has the audacity to claim that he takes care of mornings. He doesn’t even feed them, they’re eating breakfast at school. Multiple times they’ve missed the bus because he didn’t get up in time. I also explicitly signed them up for the bus so he didn’t have to do the car line because I knew he couldn’t handle that.

Why are you even in charge of the sign ups?

Girl there is so much going on here. This is bad. You likely need marriage counseling and professional help. He’s taking advantage of you big time.

If I were you, I’d write it all down, call in sick to work, and fly to Miami for a few days of R&R. Tell him you’ll come home once he agrees to pick half of the tasks listed and tells you which ones. It will be the best $5k ever spent and way less expensive than divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you ask him to wake up with the kids, to figure out dinner that night, to take the kids to an appointment, etc.?

He claims to not hear them wake up. If I didn’t cook dinner, he’d get takeout, he definitely wouldn’t cook. Or like I could never ask him to start dinner except maybe I could convince him to preheat the oven for me or pull something out to thaw. I could tell him to take them to an appointment or an activity occasionally, but probably could not rely on him for regular help, particularly if it required him to alter the schedule of his work day (which my DD’s dance definitely does). But 3 days on Tuesday our busiest activity night, I asked him to empty the dishwasher and trash and also put away a shipment of toilet paper we’d gotten days prior. I can home and none of it was done. In fact none of it is still done (though I caved and emptied the trash because it was so full.

Sorry I’m the poster above I didn’t see this when I posted.

So you hear them get up, and you get up? Why don’t you just roll over and shake him awake? Or do you not sleep in the same bed?

I do get up. When I force him to wake up, he has them climb into bed with us and then falls back asleep. Then I get annoyed/can’t go back to sleep so I just get up. So I maybe wouldn’t even mind getting up before him as I’m more a morning person if A) I wasn’t solo parenting for an additional 3-4 hours in the morning or B) there were trade offs for me to be the one to do this.

And I don’t know how we go here either. Just little by little he started doing less so I started doing more. Weirdly, him WFH has made it worse.

PP here. Okay, that is clarifying.

Tomorrow morning, when he tries to put the kids in bed, you say, “no I’m sleeping, take them in another room.” If he lays down, you shake him. “No sleeping! You are in charge of the kids!”

Even if it sucks for you (which it clearly will for at least the first few times) do. not. get. up. Your husband is a jack@$$. Your only option is to be incredibly, unreasonably, absurdly stubborn about what you won’t do. Sucks, but it’s better than exhaustion. It’s like training a toddler.

We majorly had it out today over this, so I think it will change for tomorrow but I’m not convinced after that. I’m also making him take DD to a birthday party tomorrow (something he has NEVER done). Just somewhere along the line, he started treating weekends like he was in his 20s again and then WFH has just caused him to be lazier in general so it’s trickled down into weekdays too. He has it so easy, it’s truly enraging

I’m glad you had it out. But if it doesn’t lead to consistent change, you should consider counseling. He’s not in his 20s and he chose to have 2 kids.

Maybe you can do a trial run where you walk out of the house and let him handle everything, as PP said. If he doesn’t step up then re-evaluate

[Anonymous]

So what happens when they wake up? Why don’t you push his ass out of the bed?

Also, why are your kids up so damn early?!? Mine get up and color/ play for about 2 hours until we get up. You can even leave food out for them. I have a newborn, 3 and a 5 year old. They’re actually pleased they get to get up early and don’t have to stay in their rooms. You just train them on what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what happens when they wake up? Why don’t you push his ass out of the bed?

Also, why are your kids up so damn early?!? Mine get up and color/ play for about 2 hours until we get up. You can even leave food out for them. I have a newborn, 3 and a 5 year old. They’re actually pleased they get to get up early and don’t have to stay in their rooms. You just train them on what to do.

Wanted to mention that newborn is in the bassinet next to me. Clearly I’m not leaving her alone for 2 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing he helps out with is their bath time?

He also takes them to the bus stop in the morning (3 houses down and he WFH) but I get them ready before I leave for work.

So you have to get yourself ready and the kids and then commute to work while he sleeps in and can work in his pajamas? Ridiculous. Starting next week you have a very important 7 am meeting twice a week for a new project you’re working on. Leave the house by 6:30 and let him figure it out.

Yes, this is exactly the situation and then he has the audacity to claim that he takes care of mornings. He doesn’t even feed them, they’re eating breakfast at school. Multiple times they’ve missed the bus because he didn’t get up in time. I also explicitly signed them up for the bus so he didn’t have to do the car line because I knew he couldn’t handle that.

Why are you even in charge of the sign ups?

Girl there is so much going on here. This is bad. You likely need marriage counseling and professional help. He’s taking advantage of you big time.

If I were you, I’d write it all down, call in sick to work, and fly to Miami for a few days of R&R. Tell him you’ll come home once he agrees to pick half of the tasks listed and tells you which ones. It will be the best $5k ever spent and way less expensive than divorce.

Ok this made me laugh (OP here)

[Anonymous]

Has he always been like this? Totally unaware of situations? Unable to anticipate things even when they're routine?

It's hard to tell if there's a mental illness or just sheer laziness (or just assumes you'll do everything bc you've always have and you "seem" ok with it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he always been like this? Totally unaware of situations? Unable to anticipate things even when they're routine?

It's hard to tell if there's a mental illness or just sheer laziness (or just assumes you'll do everything bc you've always have and you "seem" ok with it).

No, I mentioned upthread that it’s gotten worse. Things like dishes and trash were always his chores, now he just doesn’t do them. We used to all wake up together, now he stays up till 1-2am (even weeknights)and sleeps in. Pre covid, he had to get up and make the same commute I did, so we split drop off/pickups down the middle.

Maybe the timing is just coincidental, but him WFH has really seemed to screw up our dynamic. I was only home for like 10 weeks. He MIGHT go back in January. I will be so thrilled for him to go back to the office in some capacity. For him, I feel like WFH has made him super lazy. There’s so many days where he never leaves the house except to go to the bus stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he always been like this? Totally unaware of situations? Unable to anticipate things even when they're routine?

It's hard to tell if there's a mental illness or just sheer laziness (or just assumes you'll do everything bc you've always have and you "seem" ok with it).

No, I mentioned upthread that it’s gotten worse. Things like dishes and trash were always his chores, now he just doesn’t do them. We used to all wake up together, now he stays up till 1-2am (even weeknights)and sleeps in. Pre covid, he had to get up and make the same commute I did, so we split drop off/pickups down the middle.

Maybe the timing is just coincidental, but him WFH has really seemed to screw up our dynamic. I was only home for like 10 weeks. He MIGHT go back in January. I will be so thrilled for him to go back to the office in some capacity. For him, I feel like WFH has made him super lazy. There’s so many days where he never leaves the house except to go to the bus stop.

What is he doing up until 2am? There’s the issue.

[Anonymous]

Porn till 2am?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he always been like this? Totally unaware of situations? Unable to anticipate things even when they're routine?

It's hard to tell if there's a mental illness or just sheer laziness (or just assumes you'll do everything bc you've always have and you "seem" ok with it).

No, I mentioned upthread that it’s gotten worse. Things like dishes and trash were always his chores, now he just doesn’t do them. We used to all wake up together, now he stays up till 1-2am (even weeknights)and sleeps in. Pre covid, he had to get up and make the same commute I did, so we split drop off/pickups down the middle.

Maybe the timing is just coincidental, but him WFH has really seemed to screw up our dynamic. I was only home for like 10 weeks. He MIGHT go back in January. I will be so thrilled for him to go back to the office in some capacity. For him, I feel like WFH has made him super lazy. There’s so many days where he never leaves the house except to go to the bus stop.

What is he doing up until 2am? There’s the issue.

Watching tv … supposedly

[Anonymous]

He has some issues that are the root cause. Depression, addiction, porn, whatever, but look into it.

[Anonymous]

My husband never gets up with the kids either. Maybe once a year on my birthday but that’s not even guaranteed. We have argued over it endlessly. I
He’s also stays up late. After eight years, I gave up arguing about it. And I am happier. And I 100 percent take naps. Would still prefer to sleep in but life is short to be bitter. Unless it is something I would change by divorcing him (it’s not), I let this one go.

[Anonymous]

All these threads are always the same. People act like it’s all so bizarre and shocking and there must be some explanation like depression or that OP did something wrong.

It’s the patriarchy and it’s awful and I’d say half my friends’ marriages look exactly like this, including mine.
I’m sorry OP. You’re not alone. I don’t know what the solution is. For me I’m thinking either:

1. I get a job making even more money and use it to hire a house manager to perform the tasks that DH will not/cannot;
2. I’m trying to get DH to find a higher paying job; I’ll then get a less demanding job part time that allows me to pick up the slack of all the things he cannot/refuses to do;
3. Divorce.

I’m also planning to cheat whenever I get the right opportunity, since my DH also won’t have sex with me anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you ask him to wake up with the kids, to figure out dinner that night, to take the kids to an appointment, etc.?

He claims to not hear them wake up. If I didn’t cook dinner, he’d get takeout, he definitely wouldn’t cook. Or like I could never ask him to start dinner except maybe I could convince him to preheat the oven for me or pull something out to thaw. I could tell him to take them to an appointment or an activity occasionally, but probably could not rely on him for regular help, particularly if it required him to alter the schedule of his work day (which my DD’s dance definitely does). But 3 days on Tuesday our busiest activity night, I asked him to empty the dishwasher and trash and also put away a shipment of toilet paper we’d gotten days prior. I can home and none of it was done. In fact none of it is still done (though I caved and emptied the trash because it was so full.

I'm the person who asked. Here are a couple suggestions for you to start with:

1. Switch sides - I slept closest to the door and the kids would always come in and wake me up first. DH and I switched sides (not for that reason, but because he was having some pain and it was easier for him to sleep on that side of the bed) and now they wake him up first.

2. Hello Fresh - get Hello Fresh and tell him that he is responsible for meals two days a week. The ingredients are ready, the instructions are simple, he just needs to follow them.