Husband Not Being Supportive About Breastfeeding

[Anonymous]

Op I don’t think this is an issue and your doctor made it into one. I had two skinny babies and a super fat one. I did the same things with all 3. My skinny babies didn’t want to eat more. They weren’t interested in nursing nonstop. I wondered if I was the issue but when they went to daycare and got bottle fed- they didn’t finish their bottles. My third baby is straight up piggy (love her! And am joking). She eats everything and then eats more. I know when she goes to daycare she won’t leave half finished bottles. My fattest baby at birth didn’t regain his birth weight for longer than 2 weeks. I had been on pitocin for 40 hours by the time he was born and I think he was plump with fluids that he quickly lost. Nothing at all was wrong with my breastfeeding or him but doctors made me come back and do a lactation consult. Also- Dh and I were both skinny babies after being big babies at birth.

TLDR- some babies just aren’t big eaters and will follow their own curves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you keep on this way about breastfeeding, I wouldn’t count on your husband being enthusiastic about signing up for another baby with you…

THIS. OP, to go back to your original question, just stop complaining to your husband and start spending less time nursing and more time pumping. Your husband views ALL the time you spend nursing and ALL the time you spend complaining as a total waste of time because there is an alternative. And he's probably pissed that you are constantly hogging the baby, so he doesn't even get to hold and snuggle the baby when he's home since you are breastfeeding ALL THE TIME. You don't want to formula feed, and that's your choice, but if you want to stop arguing with your husband, you need to FIX the problem. And the best way to fix the problem is to start pumping and bottle feeding more (PLEASE let your husband do the feeding when he is home so he gets time with the baby), and stop complaining about breastfeeding constantly.

I answered your question, you're going to argue with me, but I bet the vast majority of EXPERIENCED moms on here will agree with me that if you're not going to use formula, what I suggest is the best way to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does every breastfeeding question turn into a formula push?

Shut up. People are offering alternatives to something that is causing OP stress. This isn't even a breastfeeding question, it's a relationship question. Go away, breastfeeding psycho mama.

[Anonymous]

OP: Please read this!!!

Anonymous wrote:
THIS. OP, to go back to your original question, just stop complaining to your husband and start spending less time nursing and more time pumping. Your husband views ALL the time you spend nursing and ALL the time you spend complaining as a total waste of time because there is an alternative. And he's probably pissed that you are constantly hogging the baby, so he doesn't even get to hold and snuggle the baby when he's home since you are breastfeeding ALL THE TIME. You don't want to formula feed, and that's your choice, but if you want to stop arguing with your husband, you need to FIX the problem. And the best way to fix the problem is to start pumping and bottle feeding more (PLEASE let your husband do the feeding when he is home so he gets time with the baby), and stop complaining about breastfeeding constantly.

I answered your question, you're going to argue with me, but I bet the vast majority of EXPERIENCED moms on here will agree with me that if you're not going to use formula, what I suggest is the best way to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every breastfeeding question turn into a formula push?

Shut up. People are offering alternatives to something that is causing OP stress. This isn't even a breastfeeding question, it's a relationship question. Go away, breastfeeding psycho mama.

+1 people like op don't actually seem to be aware that formula will solve the problem. Some people seem to think that breast is best NO MATTER WHAT. That's a very unhealthy idea to spread around. I wouldn't push formula on someone who is successfully breastfeeding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every breastfeeding question turn into a formula push?

Shut up. People are offering alternatives to something that is causing OP stress. This isn't even a breastfeeding question, it's a relationship question. Go away, breastfeeding psycho mama.

And this here is the problem. Breastfeeding is not always appropriate. But calling out the intensity of shouts to formula feed to new moms experiencing normal dips during early nursing is not right either. There needs to be a balance. She did not ask for alternatives. It’s a good suggestion to be sure, but it’s also being screamed down her throat. Maybe she was having a tough day and venting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop complaining. He wants you to be happy. Nobody really cares if you breastfeed or not.

OP cares, and that matters.

OP, I’m sorry you are struggling. I had a hard time with my first. My mom, MIL, DH and a few others were immediately like “Just go to formula” when what I wanted to do was talk through a few resources and things I wanted to try. I did introduce a bit of formula early on, but I really hated that they basically glared at me every time I attempted breastfeeding, even though it was what I wanted to do and was what made me feel closest to my baby.

Luckily, I have a cousin who said, “You know what, make sure the baby is fed, but even after a bottle, it can’t hurt to try the breast. Even a few sips will be a success.” And I did just that—I made sure the baby was fed, but I kept trying BF, and one day, we just really took off. I honestly did it in secret because any time I mentioned BF or someone knew I was trying, MIL and DH would disapprove and yammer on about JUST DO FORMULA. Well, I didn’t want to. And I will never forget coming downstairs after our first proper full feed with no issues, and telling DH, “No need to make a bottle—I fed her, and she’s full.” And she honestly looked milk-full and plump, and DH was happy for both of us.

At any rate, as long as you are first and foremost making sure that the baby is fed and happy and that you are well-rested and healthy, OP, you keep pursuing resources and doing what you want to meet this goal. Just know that DH doesn’t have to “get it,” and doesn’t have to listen to you complaining about it, when he’s already tried to help the situation, and you have unilaterally decided how this is going to go. You don’t get to complain about your decision when you will entertain no other options. I hope you get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop complaining. He wants you to be happy. Nobody really cares if you breastfeed or not.

OP cares, and that matters.

OP, I’m sorry you are struggling. I had a hard time with my first. My mom, MIL, DH and a few others were immediately like “Just go to formula” when what I wanted to do was talk through a few resources and things I wanted to try. I did introduce a bit of formula early on, but I really hated that they basically glared at me every time I attempted breastfeeding, even though it was what I wanted to do and was what made me feel closest to my baby.

Luckily, I have a cousin who said, “You know what, make sure the baby is fed, but even after a bottle, it can’t hurt to try the breast. Even a few sips will be a success.” And I did just that—I made sure the baby was fed, but I kept trying BF, and one day, we just really took off. I honestly did it in secret because any time I mentioned BF or someone knew I was trying, MIL and DH would disapprove and yammer on about JUST DO FORMULA. Well, I didn’t want to. And I will never forget coming downstairs after our first proper full feed with no issues, and telling DH, “No need to make a bottle—I fed her, and she’s full.” And she honestly looked milk-full and plump, and DH was happy for both of us.

At any rate, as long as you are first and foremost making sure that the baby is fed and happy and that you are well-rested and healthy, OP, you keep pursuing resources and doing what you want to meet this goal. Just know that DH doesn’t have to “get it,” and doesn’t have to listen to you complaining about it, when he’s already tried to help the situation, and you have unilaterally decided how this is going to go. You don’t get to complain about your decision when you will entertain no other options. I hope you get that.

This is good advice, OP: make sure baby is properly fed, and keep researching and connecting with people who DO get it and who DO want to support you. Unfortunately, that means not discussing with DH any further unless you make a major change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not triple feed for more than two weeks. If your supply hasn’t gone up enough to meet his needs after triple feeding for 2.5 weeks, it’s unlikely to, and triple feeding is unsustainable much longer than this, IMHO. So I agree with your husband.

That being said, I’m not you. So what I would recommend is to take a bit of a step back. First of all - on a scale of 1-10, how important is breastfeeding success to you? I would say I’m a six, so clearly you’re higher than that. 7? 8? 9? 10? What is your husband? Lower, one assumes, but ask him. I think it’s valuable to know how far apart you are. If he’s a 1 (couldn’t care less, would have been happy with formula from jump) and you’re a 10, that’s going to create more frustration than if he’s a 6 and you’re a 7. This also gives you both a bit of language to talk about various interventions (ex: “I hear that you’re suggesting daily appointments with the lactation consultant, but you’re an 8, and that sounds more like a 9 or a 10”).

Then, I think it’s valuable to discuss your limits. Let’s say you’re an 8. We’ll, then triple feeding indefinitely doesn’t make sense. So what’s your limit? Maybe another week and a half? That’s four weeks of triple feeding, that’s a LOT. I think if you can identify some stop points NOW, 1) you decrease the chance of going overboard, and looking back on this years later wishing you’d given up sooner (soooo common) and 2) I think that would be really helpful for your husband to hear, and might really decrease his frustration.

Once those boundaries are in place, I agree that for daily venting, your husband might not be the best choice, especially if it’s becoming repetitive. Do you have any mom friends or relatives? Or maybe joining a new moms group might help?

Good luck! And congrats.

OP here. It’s high for me. It’s important for me to breastfeed because of the pandemic. I will be getting my booster soon and want to pass down any antibodies I can.

It’s not a supply issue. The triple feeding is because he wasn’t gaining enough at the breast and I pump to feed him after with a bottle. I could use formula but I make enough milk that I need to pump because he doesn’t empty me.

My husband was very on board at first. He wanted me to at least try it. When it wasn’t working, he brought formula with the hopes that I will supplement to make it easier on me.

I plan to make breastfeeding work and want to go to 1 year.

I feel I were in this situation I'd stop bottle feeding. He has no reason to want to nurse and he won't fix his latch because he knows a bottle is coming soon.

If he's not draining you, don't pump. You don't want oversupply, which will cause him to only get foremilk.

Stop bottle feeding? He isn't getting enough by breastfeeding. So... starve the baby? Is that what you're suggesting?

This shit blows my mind. The end goal is to have a satiated baby. The end goal is NOT to have a a breastfed baby at any cost.

+1. This is dangerous advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I don’t think this is an issue and your doctor made it into one. I had two skinny babies and a super fat one. I did the same things with all 3. My skinny babies didn’t want to eat more. They weren’t interested in nursing nonstop. I wondered if I was the issue but when they went to daycare and got bottle fed- they didn’t finish their bottles. My third baby is straight up piggy (love her! And am joking). She eats everything and then eats more. I know when she goes to daycare she won’t leave half finished bottles. My fattest baby at birth didn’t regain his birth weight for longer than 2 weeks. I had been on pitocin for 40 hours by the time he was born and I think he was plump with fluids that he quickly lost. Nothing at all was wrong with my breastfeeding or him but doctors made me come back and do a lactation consult. Also- Dh and I were both skinny babies after being big babies at birth.

TLDR- some babies just aren’t big eaters and will follow their own curves.

I strongly disagree. Many babies end up with weight issues from advice like this. Having a baby not regain birth weight isn’t normal. She spoke to the professionals. They’re more qualified to give advice than you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have responded with the “ I plan to breastfeed for a year” because that was not the question of my thread. I posted about my husband not being supportive. I didn’t post here specifically at first because I didn’t want the “ just formula feed” or comments about why I chose to breastfeed or that I shouldn’t listen to the medical professionals.

I’m not anti-formula. I have a good supply and don’t need it, but I’m willing to add in formula if I need it in the future.

It’s been hard. I didn’t expect to have these issues. I trust the medical professionals and will not stop giving a bottle because my baby not gaining weight was not normal. Some advice saying to stop bottle feeding and that my baby not gaining weight is fine is just plain dangerous advice. I went on another site and that was the exact responses I got that thought it was normal until I realized it wasn’t. It may have worked out for you in the end, but advising moms to do that is dangerous and not safe.

I plan to breastfeed for a year. I will probably try nursing for another month and switch to pumping if it doesn’t get better. Pumping is fine but I would rather nurse. He is getting better at nursing but sometimes it’s harder to keep him eating. He does take more in though then he did when he did in the first two weeks. I’m hopeful he will become stronger and be able to nurse without needing a bottle. We feed him all he wants to eat and never limit his intake. We do feed with a slow flow nipple but he still eats all that he wants.

My husband was very supportive at first. Now he isn’t. He agrees that nursing is important, but thinks I should follow up nursing with formula to make things easier. What he doesn’t understand is I’m usually still full on one side or sometimes both and need to pump to feel some relief after nursing. The lactation consultant said my supply will decrease if he only eats 1oz at a time and my body thinks that’s all I need to make every 2-3 hours. I make double that and don’t want to lose my supply since I want to breastfeed.

When I tell my husband how the day was or if we had a hard day he tells me “ I don’t want to hear it.” When I try to explain how he isn’t supportive he tells me he has offered solutions and if I don’t take them, he doesn’t care to talk about anything breastfeeding. I can’t even mention breastfeeding without him getting annoyed. If I tell him about a day that went well, he just is like “ that’s good” and that’s that. I just wish I had a partner who was more supportive and wanted to hear about my day and how things went.

He gets plenty of time with the baby and he does bottle feed when he’s home after I nurse. He spends most of the evening with the baby and then a lot of the time on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. You want him to engage about the details and validate your dedication to nursing but he has made it clear that is not going to happen.

I am sorry, I can hear that you are hurt.

I don't think this is that unusual. Find a tribe of other new moms to connect with about this and stop raising it with DH. Meet that need elsewhere.

Find other things to connect with DH about. The first year is hard. Try to have a regular date night, even twice a month, where you go out and don't talk about the baby. A strong marriage is a gift to your child.

Hang in there. It is hard, esp at first, and lonely. It sounds like nursing is improving, it should keep getting easier as the baby gets bigger and stronger. You have learned so much about something still quite new to you, in a really short time. It sounds like you put together a good team to support the nursing relationship. Let DH step out of this one.

Find ways to connect as a family that everyone is happy about, it can be so easy to have each adult spend one on one time with baby and for the family unit to not quite gel. The adult relationship needs to be nurtured too. Best to all 3 of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have responded with the “ I plan to breastfeed for a year” because that was not the question of my thread. I posted about my husband not being supportive. I didn’t post here specifically at first because I didn’t want the “ just formula feed” or comments about why I chose to breastfeed or that I shouldn’t listen to the medical professionals.

I’m not anti-formula. I have a good supply and don’t need it, but I’m willing to add in formula if I need it in the future.

It’s been hard. I didn’t expect to have these issues. I trust the medical professionals and will not stop giving a bottle because my baby not gaining weight was not normal. Some advice saying to stop bottle feeding and that my baby not gaining weight is fine is just plain dangerous advice. I went on another site and that was the exact responses I got that thought it was normal until I realized it wasn’t. It may have worked out for you in the end, but advising moms to do that is dangerous and not safe.

I plan to breastfeed for a year. I will probably try nursing for another month and switch to pumping if it doesn’t get better. Pumping is fine but I would rather nurse. He is getting better at nursing but sometimes it’s harder to keep him eating. He does take more in though then he did when he did in the first two weeks. I’m hopeful he will become stronger and be able to nurse without needing a bottle. We feed him all he wants to eat and never limit his intake. We do feed with a slow flow nipple but he still eats all that he wants.

My husband was very supportive at first. Now he isn’t. He agrees that nursing is important, but thinks I should follow up nursing with formula to make things easier. What he doesn’t understand is I’m usually still full on one side or sometimes both and need to pump to feel some relief after nursing. The lactation consultant said my supply will decrease if he only eats 1oz at a time and my body thinks that’s all I need to make every 2-3 hours. I make double that and don’t want to lose my supply since I want to breastfeed.

When I tell my husband how the day was or if we had a hard day he tells me “ I don’t want to hear it.” When I try to explain how he isn’t supportive he tells me he has offered solutions and if I don’t take them, he doesn’t care to talk about anything breastfeeding. I can’t even mention breastfeeding without him getting annoyed. If I tell him about a day that went well, he just is like “ that’s good” and that’s that. I just wish I had a partner who was more supportive and wanted to hear about my day and how things went.

He gets plenty of time with the baby and he does bottle feed when he’s home after I nurse. He spends most of the evening with the baby and then a lot of the time on the weekend.

Don’t listen to the people on here who say it’s dumb to want to breastfeed. Many women have challenges the first couple months of breastfeeding. It’s up to you to decide if it’s worth it. I decided to stick with breastfeeding because it was important to me. I had many challenges just like you. My issue was that I’m busty with very small nipples that made it hard for my kids to latch. I did a mix of pumping and nursing with a nipple shield for the first two months with both kids. Both ended up nursing on their own as they got older and stronger. I breastfed both of my kids for a year. I don’t regret it.

My husband was super supportive. I think you need to find people going through the same thing to talk to. You need support. It’s okay to switch to formula or supplement if it becomes too much, but it’s not stupid or unrealistic if you choose to stick it out and breastfeed.

Also, the nonsense by one poster of your husband not spending time with the baby is dumb. Many moms breastfeed newborns and their husband still spend time with the baby. Men can bond with their babies without needing to bottle feed. My husband spent a lot of time with our kids as babies and he never cared about whether he got to feed them. Do what works for your family.

[Anonymous]

What is really going on here? Does DH have a problem with the time commitment? This isn't just about him not wanting to listen to complaining.

[Anonymous]

Use the formula. Your baby will be fed and your life happier.