Husband Not Being Supportive About Breastfeeding

[Anonymous]

It's OK for you to want to keep on with breastfeeding even though it is not easy at this moment. It's OK for you to pursue help and advice and validation from various support groups/resources. It's OK for you to want to talk about it--whether it is with another mom from a group, or an online support group, or a trusted friend.

It is also OK for your husband to not want to hear you complain about this anymore. He feels helpless, he feels he has done what his best advice is to do: switch to formula. You don't want this advice, so what is he supposed to do? You're coming to him, again and again, complaining about something he literally can't do for you.

You're like my old roommate who complained endlessly about hating her job. We tried supporting her, but at the end of the day, we thought the best advice was quit your job. And she wouldn't. So we told her stop complaining about it because you're a broken record.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is really going on here? Does DH have a problem with the time commitment? This isn't just about him not wanting to listen to complaining.

Why not? This directly tied to the health and well-being of both his baby and his wife, so of course it probably makes him feel helpless, anxious and frustrated to hear her endlessly complain about the same damn thing that he can't help with. The only thing he literally can do to provide food for his baby is formula, and she won't consider that. So why wouldn't he feel overwhelmed and want her to at least stop complaining if she's set on doing something that is a daily struggle.

[Anonymous]

I'm amazed at all the posters here who are hyper-critical of OP and basically giving her DH a pass to be an @sshole. Breastfeeding is hard for a lot of women. Some swap to formula and others work through it. Both are good and valid approaches. OP is home all day with a 4 month old baby and it is hard, and her DH comes home and isn't open to hearing her vent about the frustrations?! OP, that is your DH's job right now. He can't breastfeed, he can't figure out the solution, but he can hold you and support you and tell you he loves you. This strikes me as a simple communication issue- some people feel a strong need to respond to problems with solutions, and some people with validation and emotional support. It feels here like OP you are looking for validation and emotional support and your DH is brushing you off because he can't bring a solution. That's not acceptable. You vent about how hard breastfeeding is, and he should say something like "I am so sorry you had a hard day. I know you are trying as hard as you can. Can I get you (fill in with a treat, or holding the baby while you shower, or a massage, or whatever)?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have responded with the “ I plan to breastfeed for a year” because that was not the question of my thread. I posted about my husband not being supportive. I didn’t post here specifically at first because I didn’t want the “ just formula feed” or comments about why I chose to breastfeed or that I shouldn’t listen to the medical professionals.

I’m not anti-formula. I have a good supply and don’t need it, but I’m willing to add in formula if I need it in the future.

It’s been hard. I didn’t expect to have these issues. I trust the medical professionals and will not stop giving a bottle because my baby not gaining weight was not normal. Some advice saying to stop bottle feeding and that my baby not gaining weight is fine is just plain dangerous advice. I went on another site and that was the exact responses I got that thought it was normal until I realized it wasn’t. It may have worked out for you in the end, but advising moms to do that is dangerous and not safe.

I plan to breastfeed for a year. I will probably try nursing for another month and switch to pumping if it doesn’t get better. Pumping is fine but I would rather nurse. He is getting better at nursing but sometimes it’s harder to keep him eating. He does take more in though then he did when he did in the first two weeks. I’m hopeful he will become stronger and be able to nurse without needing a bottle. We feed him all he wants to eat and never limit his intake. We do feed with a slow flow nipple but he still eats all that he wants.

My husband was very supportive at first. Now he isn’t. He agrees that nursing is important, but thinks I should follow up nursing with formula to make things easier. What he doesn’t understand is I’m usually still full on one side or sometimes both and need to pump to feel some relief after nursing. The lactation consultant said my supply will decrease if he only eats 1oz at a time and my body thinks that’s all I need to make every 2-3 hours. I make double that and don’t want to lose my supply since I want to breastfeed.

When I tell my husband how the day was or if we had a hard day he tells me “ I don’t want to hear it.” When I try to explain how he isn’t supportive he tells me he has offered solutions and if I don’t take them, he doesn’t care to talk about anything breastfeeding. I can’t even mention breastfeeding without him getting annoyed. If I tell him about a day that went well, he just is like “ that’s good” and that’s that. I just wish I had a partner who was more supportive and wanted to hear about my day and how things went.

He gets plenty of time with the baby and he does bottle feed when he’s home after I nurse. He spends most of the evening with the baby and then a lot of the time on the weekend.

Look, OP, I'm super annoyed with your responses here, so no wonder your husband doesn't want to hear it anymore. Stop talking about it and stop complaining. Your husband is right - he's offered you solutions and you haven't taken them, so either stop talking about it, or do something about it.

#teamhusband

[Anonymous]

Clearly some of you have decided to bat OP around like a cat with a ball of tin foil. D!cks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm amazed at all the posters here who are hyper-critical of OP and basically giving her DH a pass to be an @sshole. Breastfeeding is hard for a lot of women. Some swap to formula and others work through it. Both are good and valid approaches. OP is home all day with a 4 month old baby and it is hard, and her DH comes home and isn't open to hearing her vent about the frustrations?! OP, that is your DH's job right now. He can't breastfeed, he can't figure out the solution, but he can hold you and support you and tell you he loves you. This strikes me as a simple communication issue- some people feel a strong need to respond to problems with solutions, and some people with validation and emotional support. It feels here like OP you are looking for validation and emotional support and your DH is brushing you off because he can't bring a solution. That's not acceptable. You vent about how hard breastfeeding is, and he should say something like "I am so sorry you had a hard day. I know you are trying as hard as you can. Can I get you (fill in with a treat, or holding the baby while you shower, or a massage, or whatever)?"

He tried to listen and to help. He doesn't know how to support someone who won't try alternatives. She's decided it's going to be this way and this way only.

"Venting frustrations" is all well and good unless you are making the other person feel useless, like their opinion doesn't matter, helpless, and at a complete loss.

You can only watch someone run themselves into a wall and say "ow" so many times before you have to protect yourself from their self-inflicted difficulties.

[Anonymous]

She’s tired. He doesn’t care. Scene.

[Anonymous]

OP, it really just sounds like you need someone to talk to, since your husband isn't up to the task.

I'm going to recommend two options:

1. See if you can find a postpartum support group. I don't know if you're in the DC area, but there used to be one called PACE in this area, I don't know if it still exists. Alternatively, many hospitals or even pediatric practices offer "new mama" or breastfeeding support groups. Virginia Hospital Center had one that was amazing. Talk to your OB, pediatrician, or lactation consultant to see if they have any recommendations.

2. Find a therapist. Either email your OB or call your health insurance company (mine offers access to a telehealth company that has therapists). You can do it virtually now, you can find a therapist who will talk to you online while the baby is napping, or honestly, even while you are breastfeeding (of course you should ask if they are comfortable with that first, or make sure your camera is neck up).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s tired. He doesn’t care. Scene.

She’s exhausting herself and will try no alternative way, which would get her some rest. He is stressed and feels overwhelmed because she refuses his help and advice and offers to directly help in the only way that he can, which is to feed the baby bottles of either pumped milk or formula. Scene.

[Anonymous]

Being breastfed will save your kid from suffering GI problems and food allergies (especially dairy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being breastfed will save your kid from suffering GI problems and food allergies (especially dairy).

I didn't breastfeed either of my super healthy now college ages sons. Stop with the misinformation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s tired. He doesn’t care. Scene.

She’s exhausting herself and will try no alternative way, which would get her some rest. He is stressed and feels overwhelmed because she refuses his help and advice and offers to directly help in the only way that he can, which is to feed the baby bottles of either pumped milk or formula. Scene.

It sounds like normal early breastfeeding, and a relationship out of sync as they adapt to being a family. I’m not seeing refusal, it’s more they are not communicating well. They are using pumped bottles. I bet no one os sleeping enough and both are being gritty. The husband does not seem interested or empathetic in what it’s like to be home alone with an infant. Some families take longer to gel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being breastfed will save your kid from suffering GI problems and food allergies (especially dairy).

I didn't breastfeed either of my super healthy now college ages sons. Stop with the misinformation.

And my niece & nephew who have severe, life-altering food allergies were both breastfed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s tired. He doesn’t care. Scene.

She’s exhausting herself and will try no alternative way, which would get her some rest. He is stressed and feels overwhelmed because she refuses his help and advice and offers to directly help in the only way that he can, which is to feed the baby bottles of either pumped milk or formula. Scene.

As long as he’s willing to hear “I don’t want to hear about it” for any complaints he has about his day that she’s offered unhelpful advice to. “My boss is an ass” “start your own company!”. Buying a can of formula isn’t helpful to a breastfeeding mother in a family that decided to breastfeed— it’s like telling someone who decided to go to college that they should go to hairdressing school; perfectly good but not what the person is trying to do. If he wants to open a larger conversation about whether breastfeeding is good for their family, he’s going to have to be willing to hear her talk about her experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have responded with the “ I plan to breastfeed for a year” because that was not the question of my thread. I posted about my husband not being supportive. I didn’t post here specifically at first because I didn’t want the “ just formula feed” or comments about why I chose to breastfeed or that I shouldn’t listen to the medical professionals.

I’m not anti-formula. I have a good supply and don’t need it, but I’m willing to add in formula if I need it in the future.

It’s been hard. I didn’t expect to have these issues. I trust the medical professionals and will not stop giving a bottle because my baby not gaining weight was not normal. Some advice saying to stop bottle feeding and that my baby not gaining weight is fine is just plain dangerous advice. I went on another site and that was the exact responses I got that thought it was normal until I realized it wasn’t. It may have worked out for you in the end, but advising moms to do that is dangerous and not safe.

I plan to breastfeed for a year. I will probably try nursing for another month and switch to pumping if it doesn’t get better. Pumping is fine but I would rather nurse. He is getting better at nursing but sometimes it’s harder to keep him eating. He does take more in though then he did when he did in the first two weeks. I’m hopeful he will become stronger and be able to nurse without needing a bottle. We feed him all he wants to eat and never limit his intake. We do feed with a slow flow nipple but he still eats all that he wants.

My husband was very supportive at first. Now he isn’t. He agrees that nursing is important, but thinks I should follow up nursing with formula to make things easier. What he doesn’t understand is I’m usually still full on one side or sometimes both and need to pump to feel some relief after nursing. The lactation consultant said my supply will decrease if he only eats 1oz at a time and my body thinks that’s all I need to make every 2-3 hours. I make double that and don’t want to lose my supply since I want to breastfeed.

When I tell my husband how the day was or if we had a hard day he tells me “ I don’t want to hear it.” When I try to explain how he isn’t supportive he tells me he has offered solutions and if I don’t take them, he doesn’t care to talk about anything breastfeeding. I can’t even mention breastfeeding without him getting annoyed. If I tell him about a day that went well, he just is like “ that’s good” and that’s that. I just wish I had a partner who was more supportive and wanted to hear about my day and how things went.

He gets plenty of time with the baby and he does bottle feed when he’s home after I nurse. He spends most of the evening with the baby and then a lot of the time on the weekend.

Look, OP, I'm super annoyed with your responses here, so no wonder your husband doesn't want to hear it anymore. Stop talking about it and stop complaining. Your husband is right - he's offered you solutions and you haven't taken them, so either stop talking about it, or do something about it.

#teamhusband

I’m sorry for whatever is happening to you that makes you speak to someone with a four week old baby this way.