Husband Not Being Supportive About Breastfeeding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not triple feed for more than two weeks. If your supply hasn’t gone up enough to meet his needs after triple feeding for 2.5 weeks, it’s unlikely to, and triple feeding is unsustainable much longer than this, IMHO. So I agree with your husband.

That being said, I’m not you. So what I would recommend is to take a bit of a step back. First of all - on a scale of 1-10, how important is breastfeeding success to you? I would say I’m a six, so clearly you’re higher than that. 7? 8? 9? 10? What is your husband? Lower, one assumes, but ask him. I think it’s valuable to know how far apart you are. If he’s a 1 (couldn’t care less, would have been happy with formula from jump) and you’re a 10, that’s going to create more frustration than if he’s a 6 and you’re a 7. This also gives you both a bit of language to talk about various interventions (ex: “I hear that you’re suggesting daily appointments with the lactation consultant, but you’re an 8, and that sounds more like a 9 or a 10”).

Then, I think it’s valuable to discuss your limits. Let’s say you’re an 8. We’ll, then triple feeding indefinitely doesn’t make sense. So what’s your limit? Maybe another week and a half? That’s four weeks of triple feeding, that’s a LOT. I think if you can identify some stop points NOW, 1) you decrease the chance of going overboard, and looking back on this years later wishing you’d given up sooner (soooo common) and 2) I think that would be really helpful for your husband to hear, and might really decrease his frustration.

Once those boundaries are in place, I agree that for daily venting, your husband might not be the best choice, especially if it’s becoming repetitive. Do you have any mom friends or relatives? Or maybe joining a new moms group might help?

Good luck! And congrats.

OP here. It’s high for me. It’s important for me to breastfeed because of the pandemic. I will be getting my booster soon and want to pass down any antibodies I can.

It’s not a supply issue. The triple feeding is because he wasn’t gaining enough at the breast and I pump to feed him after with a bottle. I could use formula but I make enough milk that I need to pump because he doesn’t empty me.

My husband was very on board at first. He wanted me to at least try it. When it wasn’t working, he brought formula with the hopes that I will supplement to make it easier on me.

I plan to make breastfeeding work and want to go to 1 year.

I’m the PP.

Okay. So it sounds like your at a 9 or a 10, and your husband is maybe at like a 4 or a 5? That’s a pretty big spread.

I think you missed my point about a stop point. I’m not talking about your breastfeeding goals. I’m talking about - what if where you are right now is as good as it gets, it never improves? What then? You mentioned that the next step is exclusively pumping. So - how much longer are you going to try and get the baby to latch, and when is it time to move on to EP? And then how long are you willing to EP? Would you want to do that for a full year? Do you think that’s sustainable?

I think it would be helpful to articulate this “worst case scenario” to both yourself and your husband. “I want to keep trying to get him to latch well until he is 6 weeks old. At that point, I’ll stop, and move to EP, and hope to do that through the winter months for the antibodies, and then when he’s six months old, we can move to formula. I would appreciate your support during the last two weeks of trying to make this work.”

I think having those deadlines spelled out will help you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not triple feed for more than two weeks. If your supply hasn’t gone up enough to meet his needs after triple feeding for 2.5 weeks, it’s unlikely to, and triple feeding is unsustainable much longer than this, IMHO. So I agree with your husband.

That being said, I’m not you. So what I would recommend is to take a bit of a step back. First of all - on a scale of 1-10, how important is breastfeeding success to you? I would say I’m a six, so clearly you’re higher than that. 7? 8? 9? 10? What is your husband? Lower, one assumes, but ask him. I think it’s valuable to know how far apart you are. If he’s a 1 (couldn’t care less, would have been happy with formula from jump) and you’re a 10, that’s going to create more frustration than if he’s a 6 and you’re a 7. This also gives you both a bit of language to talk about various interventions (ex: “I hear that you’re suggesting daily appointments with the lactation consultant, but you’re an 8, and that sounds more like a 9 or a 10”).

Then, I think it’s valuable to discuss your limits. Let’s say you’re an 8. We’ll, then triple feeding indefinitely doesn’t make sense. So what’s your limit? Maybe another week and a half? That’s four weeks of triple feeding, that’s a LOT. I think if you can identify some stop points NOW, 1) you decrease the chance of going overboard, and looking back on this years later wishing you’d given up sooner (soooo common) and 2) I think that would be really helpful for your husband to hear, and might really decrease his frustration.

Once those boundaries are in place, I agree that for daily venting, your husband might not be the best choice, especially if it’s becoming repetitive. Do you have any mom friends or relatives? Or maybe joining a new moms group might help?

Good luck! And congrats.

OP here. It’s high for me. It’s important for me to breastfeed because of the pandemic. I will be getting my booster soon and want to pass down any antibodies I can.

It’s not a supply issue. The triple feeding is because he wasn’t gaining enough at the breast and I pump to feed him after with a bottle. I could use formula but I make enough milk that I need to pump because he doesn’t empty me.

My husband was very on board at first. He wanted me to at least try it. When it wasn’t working, he brought formula with the hopes that I will supplement to make it easier on me.

I plan to make breastfeeding work and want to go to 1 year.

I’m the PP.

Okay. So it sounds like your at a 9 or a 10, and your husband is maybe at like a 4 or a 5? That’s a pretty big spread.

I think you missed my point about a stop point. I’m not talking about your breastfeeding goals. I’m talking about - what if where you are right now is as good as it gets, it never improves? What then? You mentioned that the next step is exclusively pumping. So - how much longer are you going to try and get the baby to latch, and when is it time to move on to EP? And then how long are you willing to EP? Would you want to do that for a full year? Do you think that’s sustainable?

I think it would be helpful to articulate this “worst case scenario” to both yourself and your husband. “I want to keep trying to get him to latch well until he is 6 weeks old. At that point, I’ll stop, and move to EP, and hope to do that through the winter months for the antibodies, and then when he’s six months old, we can move to formula. I would appreciate your support during the last two weeks of trying to make this work.”

I think having those deadlines spelled out will help you both.

OP here. The post isn’t about breastfeeding but it’s turn into it. That’s why I wanted to post in the relationship forum.

I’m going to give it another month and then switch to exclusively pumping if things don’t improve. I plan to nurse or pump for a year. Possibly until 6 months but my goal is to make it to 1 year. We will be trying for our second baby when he turns 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not triple feed for more than two weeks. If your supply hasn’t gone up enough to meet his needs after triple feeding for 2.5 weeks, it’s unlikely to, and triple feeding is unsustainable much longer than this, IMHO. So I agree with your husband.

That being said, I’m not you. So what I would recommend is to take a bit of a step back. First of all - on a scale of 1-10, how important is breastfeeding success to you? I would say I’m a six, so clearly you’re higher than that. 7? 8? 9? 10? What is your husband? Lower, one assumes, but ask him. I think it’s valuable to know how far apart you are. If he’s a 1 (couldn’t care less, would have been happy with formula from jump) and you’re a 10, that’s going to create more frustration than if he’s a 6 and you’re a 7. This also gives you both a bit of language to talk about various interventions (ex: “I hear that you’re suggesting daily appointments with the lactation consultant, but you’re an 8, and that sounds more like a 9 or a 10”).

Then, I think it’s valuable to discuss your limits. Let’s say you’re an 8. We’ll, then triple feeding indefinitely doesn’t make sense. So what’s your limit? Maybe another week and a half? That’s four weeks of triple feeding, that’s a LOT. I think if you can identify some stop points NOW, 1) you decrease the chance of going overboard, and looking back on this years later wishing you’d given up sooner (soooo common) and 2) I think that would be really helpful for your husband to hear, and might really decrease his frustration.

Once those boundaries are in place, I agree that for daily venting, your husband might not be the best choice, especially if it’s becoming repetitive. Do you have any mom friends or relatives? Or maybe joining a new moms group might help?

Good luck! And congrats.

OP here. It’s high for me. It’s important for me to breastfeed because of the pandemic. I will be getting my booster soon and want to pass down any antibodies I can.

It’s not a supply issue. The triple feeding is because he wasn’t gaining enough at the breast and I pump to feed him after with a bottle. I could use formula but I make enough milk that I need to pump because he doesn’t empty me.

My husband was very on board at first. He wanted me to at least try it. When it wasn’t working, he brought formula with the hopes that I will supplement to make it easier on me.

I plan to make breastfeeding work and want to go to 1 year.

I’m the PP.

Okay. So it sounds like your at a 9 or a 10, and your husband is maybe at like a 4 or a 5? That’s a pretty big spread.

I think you missed my point about a stop point. I’m not talking about your breastfeeding goals. I’m talking about - what if where you are right now is as good as it gets, it never improves? What then? You mentioned that the next step is exclusively pumping. So - how much longer are you going to try and get the baby to latch, and when is it time to move on to EP? And then how long are you willing to EP? Would you want to do that for a full year? Do you think that’s sustainable?

I think it would be helpful to articulate this “worst case scenario” to both yourself and your husband. “I want to keep trying to get him to latch well until he is 6 weeks old. At that point, I’ll stop, and move to EP, and hope to do that through the winter months for the antibodies, and then when he’s six months old, we can move to formula. I would appreciate your support during the last two weeks of trying to make this work.”

I think having those deadlines spelled out will help you both.

OP here. The post isn’t about breastfeeding but it’s turn into it. That’s why I wanted to post in the relationship forum.

I’m going to give it another month and then switch to exclusively pumping if things don’t improve. I plan to nurse or pump for a year. Possibly until 6 months but my goal is to make it to 1 year. We will be trying for our second baby when he turns 1.

If you keep on this way about breastfeeding, I wouldn’t count on your husband being enthusiastic about signing up for another baby with you…

[Anonymous]

OP, visit a lactation consultant.

[Anonymous]

The first two months were very difficult for me. My baby was also a frequent/ long feeder and needed the nipple shield for a few months; and could only latch well on one side. I pumped the other and when she was a bit bigger she could latch on both sides. The good part was that I could pump for bottles this way. But it was a lot. I used a haaka and pumped between some feedings as needed. The first few months for us were very boob specific lol

I’m not sure if breastfeeding groups are meeting right now, but look for one. Ask your LC if they know of any near you. In person peer support helped me so much. No one on my family had ever nursed and my partner while supportive could only see my exhaustion. Which was also due to having a newborn. Being able to connect with someone in the same stage as you helps so much. I would even try an online group if you cannot find it are uncomfortable with an in person meeting. And if you are not doing so already, as husband to start giving pumped bottles to baby. It’s important he feels invoke in process- and please also help him understand not to chuck any partial bottles - there is a learning curve for everyone.

Best of luck. I hope today is easier. Make sure your getting a little personal time and shower each day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, find a LL group or new moms group that meets in person or online so you have people to engage with who want to talk and hear about the details of bfeeding. Your husband has made it clear he does not so I would stop bringing it up with him.

DC used to have a Breastfeeding Center and LLL has meetings all over the world. Maybe some are on online at the moment. Your LC may be able to suggest a group and there is also a group called MOMS Club that was not specifically bfeeding focused but social.

Congrats on the little one!

Agree 1000%

[Anonymous]

You know what helped when I had issues I just prefaced with “I’m just venting here and nothing to do with you so here’s what happened ….” And my husband didn’t feel helpless I’d like I was trying to say he has to do something.I’m pregnant with my second now and say the same like I’m just venting but damn by feet hurt haha it’ll help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not triple feed for more than two weeks. If your supply hasn’t gone up enough to meet his needs after triple feeding for 2.5 weeks, it’s unlikely to, and triple feeding is unsustainable much longer than this, IMHO. So I agree with your husband.

That being said, I’m not you. So what I would recommend is to take a bit of a step back. First of all - on a scale of 1-10, how important is breastfeeding success to you? I would say I’m a six, so clearly you’re higher than that. 7? 8? 9? 10? What is your husband? Lower, one assumes, but ask him. I think it’s valuable to know how far apart you are. If he’s a 1 (couldn’t care less, would have been happy with formula from jump) and you’re a 10, that’s going to create more frustration than if he’s a 6 and you’re a 7. This also gives you both a bit of language to talk about various interventions (ex: “I hear that you’re suggesting daily appointments with the lactation consultant, but you’re an 8, and that sounds more like a 9 or a 10”).

Then, I think it’s valuable to discuss your limits. Let’s say you’re an 8. We’ll, then triple feeding indefinitely doesn’t make sense. So what’s your limit? Maybe another week and a half? That’s four weeks of triple feeding, that’s a LOT. I think if you can identify some stop points NOW, 1) you decrease the chance of going overboard, and looking back on this years later wishing you’d given up sooner (soooo common) and 2) I think that would be really helpful for your husband to hear, and might really decrease his frustration.

Once those boundaries are in place, I agree that for daily venting, your husband might not be the best choice, especially if it’s becoming repetitive. Do you have any mom friends or relatives? Or maybe joining a new moms group might help?

Good luck! And congrats.

OP here. It’s high for me. It’s important for me to breastfeed because of the pandemic. I will be getting my booster soon and want to pass down any antibodies I can.

It’s not a supply issue. The triple feeding is because he wasn’t gaining enough at the breast and I pump to feed him after with a bottle. I could use formula but I make enough milk that I need to pump because he doesn’t empty me.

My husband was very on board at first. He wanted me to at least try it. When it wasn’t working, he brought formula with the hopes that I will supplement to make it easier on me.

I plan to make breastfeeding work and want to go to 1 year.

I feel I were in this situation I'd stop bottle feeding. He has no reason to want to nurse and he won't fix his latch because he knows a bottle is coming soon.

If he's not draining you, don't pump. You don't want oversupply, which will cause him to only get foremilk.

Stop bottle feeding? He isn't getting enough by breastfeeding. So... starve the baby? Is that what you're suggesting?

This shit blows my mind. The end goal is to have a satiated baby. The end goal is NOT to have a a breastfed baby at any cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are first time parents with a newborn. I’ve had breastfeeding struggles but I’m pushing through because it’s important a to me during the pandemic to breastfeed. We still have many issues and everyday doesn’t go as smooth as I would like. My husband, who was supportive at first, now has been less than supportive and it’s bothering me. When I mention how our day went with feedings or vent about how awful the feed went, etc., he tells me he’s tired of hearing about it. He bought formula a month ago in hopes I would use it but I haven’t. He seems to no longer care that I’m struggling with breastfeeding or care about my emotions because of it. He has told me multiple times he’s tired of hearing me complain when I won’t do anything to change it. I feel so unsupported and I feel like it’s going to hurt my marriage in the long run.

Fed babies and happy parents are what a baby needs. Use formula.

[Anonymous]

Some of you need to remember you’re advising a first time mother of a newborn. Most of the comments have been really rough. Give her a break? We were all overwhelmed and not sleeping enough. Everything is heightened. No new mom needs paragraphs of directives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you need to remember you’re advising a first time mother of a newborn. Most of the comments have been really rough. Give her a break? We were all overwhelmed and not sleeping enough. Everything is heightened. No new mom needs paragraphs of directives.

Why is she even posting if:
1) She has yet to articulate what, exactly, she wants her husband to say/do
2) She bulldozes through every question or suggestion with simply, “I’m going to do this for a year.”

Why even start a thread? Sounds like she’s got it allllllll figured out. What’s even the problem?

[Anonymous]

Can anyone come hold baby so you can sleep? You sound exhausted and having a difficult time. Rest will clear your head and might help with both breastfeeding and relationship.

[Anonymous]

You’re not helping op by fighting one another.

[Anonymous]

i truly don't understand the hate/fear about FF. I had a preemie with a mlik protein allergy. we tried to get her to latch, I pumped every 2 hours while she was in the NICU and read every thread on elimination diets all while trying to navigate being a FTM. She was is AGONY and not gaining weight. We switched to formula and VIOLA - happy baby that get nice and healthy within a matter of days. She's now 5 and one of the tallest and most athletic/smart kids in Kindergarten. The only regrets I have are all the newborn photos from the first 6 weeks and seeing how pained her face was 24/7 - not even mentioning the lack of sleep we all had.

I'm due with #2 in several weeks and am prepared to try again with breastfeeding and pumping but let me tell you - if I there are any difficulties and I feel that I am putting my pride over the health and happiness of my baby (or my marriage) - we're doing formula again.

You have got to snap out of this breast or bust mentality - it is SO damaging to women.

[Anonymous]

Why does every breastfeeding question turn into a formula push?