Husband Not Being Supportive About Breastfeeding

[Anonymous]

Been there. I found I could pump pretty quick, so I switched to pumping and bottle feeding.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would not triple feed for more than two weeks. If your supply hasn’t gone up enough to meet his needs after triple feeding for 2.5 weeks, it’s unlikely to, and triple feeding is unsustainable much longer than this, IMHO. So I agree with your husband.

That being said, I’m not you. So what I would recommend is to take a bit of a step back. First of all - on a scale of 1-10, how important is breastfeeding success to you? I would say I’m a six, so clearly you’re higher than that. 7? 8? 9? 10? What is your husband? Lower, one assumes, but ask him. I think it’s valuable to know how far apart you are. If he’s a 1 (couldn’t care less, would have been happy with formula from jump) and you’re a 10, that’s going to create more frustration than if he’s a 6 and you’re a 7. This also gives you both a bit of language to talk about various interventions (ex: “I hear that you’re suggesting daily appointments with the lactation consultant, but you’re an 8, and that sounds more like a 9 or a 10”).

Then, I think it’s valuable to discuss your limits. Let’s say you’re an 8. We’ll, then triple feeding indefinitely doesn’t make sense. So what’s your limit? Maybe another week and a half? That’s four weeks of triple feeding, that’s a LOT. I think if you can identify some stop points NOW, 1) you decrease the chance of going overboard, and looking back on this years later wishing you’d given up sooner (soooo common) and 2) I think that would be really helpful for your husband to hear, and might really decrease his frustration.

Once those boundaries are in place, I agree that for daily venting, your husband might not be the best choice, especially if it’s becoming repetitive. Do you have any mom friends or relatives? Or maybe joining a new moms group might help?

Good luck! And congrats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not triple feed for more than two weeks. If your supply hasn’t gone up enough to meet his needs after triple feeding for 2.5 weeks, it’s unlikely to, and triple feeding is unsustainable much longer than this, IMHO. So I agree with your husband.

That being said, I’m not you. So what I would recommend is to take a bit of a step back. First of all - on a scale of 1-10, how important is breastfeeding success to you? I would say I’m a six, so clearly you’re higher than that. 7? 8? 9? 10? What is your husband? Lower, one assumes, but ask him. I think it’s valuable to know how far apart you are. If he’s a 1 (couldn’t care less, would have been happy with formula from jump) and you’re a 10, that’s going to create more frustration than if he’s a 6 and you’re a 7. This also gives you both a bit of language to talk about various interventions (ex: “I hear that you’re suggesting daily appointments with the lactation consultant, but you’re an 8, and that sounds more like a 9 or a 10”).

Then, I think it’s valuable to discuss your limits. Let’s say you’re an 8. We’ll, then triple feeding indefinitely doesn’t make sense. So what’s your limit? Maybe another week and a half? That’s four weeks of triple feeding, that’s a LOT. I think if you can identify some stop points NOW, 1) you decrease the chance of going overboard, and looking back on this years later wishing you’d given up sooner (soooo common) and 2) I think that would be really helpful for your husband to hear, and might really decrease his frustration.

Once those boundaries are in place, I agree that for daily venting, your husband might not be the best choice, especially if it’s becoming repetitive. Do you have any mom friends or relatives? Or maybe joining a new moms group might help?

Good luck! And congrats.

She’s triple feeding because it’s a latch issue, not a supply issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to reframe your complaints. Make sure they’re about fussy baby and not breastfeeding.

My Dh LOVES breastfeeding. It means he never has to get up in the middle of the night to feed. He loves how easy it is to travel without bottles or formula. And he loves that she calms down easily by nursing. In reality he didn’t care whether I breastfed or not, but there were a lot of benefits in it for him. So start telling your Dh all about husbands who have to take every other shift at night instead of you just nursing quickly and then plopping baby in bassinet. (And I’m pro formula too, so don’t take this paragraph the wrong way)

OP here. My baby doesn’t nurse quick. Every feeding takes 45 minutes.

How old is your baby? I think you need to give yourself an end date for breastfeeding. Like if it’s not working by 6 weeks I will start formula and be happy about it. Don’t make yourself miserable. Triple feeding should go on for more than a week in my opinion. It’s hard and can easily make you not like the baby and hate breastfeeding.

Be kind to yourself. It’s okay if breastfeeding isn’t for you. You have a baby! And breastfeeding is such a tiny part of an amazing baby experience. Don’t let it ruin these first few weeks.

OP here. He’s 4.5 weeks old. I’m determined to breastfeed and want to go for at least a year.

[Anonymous]

You need to accept that this is your choice and you should not be complaining about it. Breastfeeding is NOT best in every situation. If you feel it is best in your situation, then there’s nothing to complain about. But you probably should figure out why breastfeeding for the next 11 months is so important when it is causing you (and your baby) so much frustration.

[Anonymous]

What do you want him to do? If you just want someone to vent to, explain that. I am solution oriented, so if someone complained about the same thing to me all the time and rejected every practical solution I offered, I would quickly grow frustrated too. Clearly he doesn't place the same value on EBF as you do, so the sacrifice of you being miserable every day is not going to be worth it from his perspective. If what you want is a listener, tell him that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there. I found I could pump pretty quick, so I switched to pumping and bottle feeding.

OP here. I will likely have to start exclusively pumping if this doesn’t work out in the next month.

[Anonymous]

You can mix things up as well. Can pump and continue trying to breastfeed. Can also toss in a bottle of formula here and there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not triple feed for more than two weeks. If your supply hasn’t gone up enough to meet his needs after triple feeding for 2.5 weeks, it’s unlikely to, and triple feeding is unsustainable much longer than this, IMHO. So I agree with your husband.

That being said, I’m not you. So what I would recommend is to take a bit of a step back. First of all - on a scale of 1-10, how important is breastfeeding success to you? I would say I’m a six, so clearly you’re higher than that. 7? 8? 9? 10? What is your husband? Lower, one assumes, but ask him. I think it’s valuable to know how far apart you are. If he’s a 1 (couldn’t care less, would have been happy with formula from jump) and you’re a 10, that’s going to create more frustration than if he’s a 6 and you’re a 7. This also gives you both a bit of language to talk about various interventions (ex: “I hear that you’re suggesting daily appointments with the lactation consultant, but you’re an 8, and that sounds more like a 9 or a 10”).

Then, I think it’s valuable to discuss your limits. Let’s say you’re an 8. We’ll, then triple feeding indefinitely doesn’t make sense. So what’s your limit? Maybe another week and a half? That’s four weeks of triple feeding, that’s a LOT. I think if you can identify some stop points NOW, 1) you decrease the chance of going overboard, and looking back on this years later wishing you’d given up sooner (soooo common) and 2) I think that would be really helpful for your husband to hear, and might really decrease his frustration.

Once those boundaries are in place, I agree that for daily venting, your husband might not be the best choice, especially if it’s becoming repetitive. Do you have any mom friends or relatives? Or maybe joining a new moms group might help?

Good luck! And congrats.

OP here. It’s high for me. It’s important for me to breastfeed because of the pandemic. I will be getting my booster soon and want to pass down any antibodies I can.

It’s not a supply issue. The triple feeding is because he wasn’t gaining enough at the breast and I pump to feed him after with a bottle. I could use formula but I make enough milk that I need to pump because he doesn’t empty me.

My husband was very on board at first. He wanted me to at least try it. When it wasn’t working, he brought formula with the hopes that I will supplement to make it easier on me.

I plan to make breastfeeding work and want to go to 1 year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to reframe your complaints. Make sure they’re about fussy baby and not breastfeeding.

My Dh LOVES breastfeeding. It means he never has to get up in the middle of the night to feed. He loves how easy it is to travel without bottles or formula. And he loves that she calms down easily by nursing. In reality he didn’t care whether I breastfed or not, but there were a lot of benefits in it for him. So start telling your Dh all about husbands who have to take every other shift at night instead of you just nursing quickly and then plopping baby in bassinet. (And I’m pro formula too, so don’t take this paragraph the wrong way)

OP here. My baby doesn’t nurse quick. Every feeding takes 45 minutes.

How old is your baby? I think you need to give yourself an end date for breastfeeding. Like if it’s not working by 6 weeks I will start formula and be happy about it. Don’t make yourself miserable. Triple feeding should go on for more than a week in my opinion. It’s hard and can easily make you not like the baby and hate breastfeeding.

Be kind to yourself. It’s okay if breastfeeding isn’t for you. You have a baby! And breastfeeding is such a tiny part of an amazing baby experience. Don’t let it ruin these first few weeks.

OP here. He’s 4.5 weeks old. I’m determined to breastfeed and want to go for at least a year.

If you really want to, then make it happen and don't complain to your dh. My first baby was not a good latcher. I had to push her lower jaw down to get the latch we needed every time. And then one day it clicked. I was absolutely determined to make it work and saw quite a few lactation consultants. Kelly mom is a good resource. Went on the breastfeed 3 babies for 18 months each. Second and third babies were a breeze. I never bottlefed. Some babies who aren't good at nursing will not switch back and forth, so triple feeding might mean your baby wants the bottle. When I triple fed it meant I didn't have enough supply for the baby. My body was only going to have a certain number of letdowns and if I pumped them all, baby couldn't make a letdown happen.

The only thing I'd caution you about is if the baby isn't gaining weight.

Can you say more about what's wrong with breastfeeding? Just bad latch? Low weight baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not triple feed for more than two weeks. If your supply hasn’t gone up enough to meet his needs after triple feeding for 2.5 weeks, it’s unlikely to, and triple feeding is unsustainable much longer than this, IMHO. So I agree with your husband.

That being said, I’m not you. So what I would recommend is to take a bit of a step back. First of all - on a scale of 1-10, how important is breastfeeding success to you? I would say I’m a six, so clearly you’re higher than that. 7? 8? 9? 10? What is your husband? Lower, one assumes, but ask him. I think it’s valuable to know how far apart you are. If he’s a 1 (couldn’t care less, would have been happy with formula from jump) and you’re a 10, that’s going to create more frustration than if he’s a 6 and you’re a 7. This also gives you both a bit of language to talk about various interventions (ex: “I hear that you’re suggesting daily appointments with the lactation consultant, but you’re an 8, and that sounds more like a 9 or a 10”).

Then, I think it’s valuable to discuss your limits. Let’s say you’re an 8. We’ll, then triple feeding indefinitely doesn’t make sense. So what’s your limit? Maybe another week and a half? That’s four weeks of triple feeding, that’s a LOT. I think if you can identify some stop points NOW, 1) you decrease the chance of going overboard, and looking back on this years later wishing you’d given up sooner (soooo common) and 2) I think that would be really helpful for your husband to hear, and might really decrease his frustration.

Once those boundaries are in place, I agree that for daily venting, your husband might not be the best choice, especially if it’s becoming repetitive. Do you have any mom friends or relatives? Or maybe joining a new moms group might help?

Good luck! And congrats.

OP here. It’s high for me. It’s important for me to breastfeed because of the pandemic. I will be getting my booster soon and want to pass down any antibodies I can.

It’s not a supply issue. The triple feeding is because he wasn’t gaining enough at the breast and I pump to feed him after with a bottle. I could use formula but I make enough milk that I need to pump because he doesn’t empty me.

My husband was very on board at first. He wanted me to at least try it. When it wasn’t working, he brought formula with the hopes that I will supplement to make it easier on me.

I plan to make breastfeeding work and want to go to 1 year.

I feel I were in this situation I'd stop bottle feeding. He has no reason to want to nurse and he won't fix his latch because he knows a bottle is coming soon.

If he's not draining you, don't pump. You don't want oversupply, which will cause him to only get foremilk.

[Anonymous]

You are making it about you and your needs, not your child's needs. Your child needs to be fed. No reason not to supplement and allow him to do some of the feedings to take the pressure and stress off of you. Plus, its good bonding time for him. If you don't want to actual fix the problem, what exactly do you want him to do or say?

[Anonymous]

You need to manage your own expectations about breastfeeding. It may work, it may not. Some babies and mothers never get the hang of it which is completely fine even during a pandemic.

He is being supportive but you sound really focused on it and frankly quite rigid. He doesn't want a miserable wife and a hungry baby. That is a terrible combination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to reframe your complaints. Make sure they’re about fussy baby and not breastfeeding.

My Dh LOVES breastfeeding. It means he never has to get up in the middle of the night to feed. He loves how easy it is to travel without bottles or formula. And he loves that she calms down easily by nursing. In reality he didn’t care whether I breastfed or not, but there were a lot of benefits in it for him. So start telling your Dh all about husbands who have to take every other shift at night instead of you just nursing quickly and then plopping baby in bassinet. (And I’m pro formula too, so don’t take this paragraph the wrong way)

OP here. My baby doesn’t nurse quick. Every feeding takes 45 minutes.

How old is your baby? I think you need to give yourself an end date for breastfeeding. Like if it’s not working by 6 weeks I will start formula and be happy about it. Don’t make yourself miserable. Triple feeding should go on for more than a week in my opinion. It’s hard and can easily make you not like the baby and hate breastfeeding.

Be kind to yourself. It’s okay if breastfeeding isn’t for you. You have a baby! And breastfeeding is such a tiny part of an amazing baby experience. Don’t let it ruin these first few weeks.

OP here. He’s 4.5 weeks old. I’m determined to breastfeed and want to go for at least a year.

If you really want to, then make it happen and don't complain to your dh. My first baby was not a good latcher. I had to push her lower jaw down to get the latch we needed every time. And then one day it clicked. I was absolutely determined to make it work and saw quite a few lactation consultants. Kelly mom is a good resource. Went on the breastfeed 3 babies for 18 months each. Second and third babies were a breeze. I never bottlefed. Some babies who aren't good at nursing will not switch back and forth, so triple feeding might mean your baby wants the bottle. When I triple fed it meant I didn't have enough supply for the baby. My body was only going to have a certain number of letdowns and if I pumped them all, baby couldn't make a letdown happen.

The only thing I'd caution you about is if the baby isn't gaining weight.

Can you say more about what's wrong with breastfeeding? Just bad latch? Low weight baby?

OP here. He latched fine in the hospital and everything seemed to be going well. We were only there for two days though. We get home and I just assumed things were going well. He was fussy at times but I assumed maybe just being a newborn. We went to his two week and he hadn’t gained his birth weight back. We had a lactation consultant appointment the next day and he wasn’t transferring enough milk. I make enough milk so we realized that wasn’t the issue.

The lactation consultant recommended nipple shields and triple feeding until we get his weight and latch corrected. The pediatrician advised to pump and bottle feed or supplement on top of nursing to bring his weight up. He regained more than his birth weight when we went at 3 weeks and had gained almost 1lbs more at 4 weeks.

We saw multiple specialists and they couldn’t find any issue.

Now we nurse, I pump, and feed if he’s still hungry. Sometimes he’s not, and other times he is. I don’t pump after every feed. I usually just do in the morning, part of the day, and overnight. I don’t make as much in evening and he cluster feeds a lot in the evening hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not triple feed for more than two weeks. If your supply hasn’t gone up enough to meet his needs after triple feeding for 2.5 weeks, it’s unlikely to, and triple feeding is unsustainable much longer than this, IMHO. So I agree with your husband.

That being said, I’m not you. So what I would recommend is to take a bit of a step back. First of all - on a scale of 1-10, how important is breastfeeding success to you? I would say I’m a six, so clearly you’re higher than that. 7? 8? 9? 10? What is your husband? Lower, one assumes, but ask him. I think it’s valuable to know how far apart you are. If he’s a 1 (couldn’t care less, would have been happy with formula from jump) and you’re a 10, that’s going to create more frustration than if he’s a 6 and you’re a 7. This also gives you both a bit of language to talk about various interventions (ex: “I hear that you’re suggesting daily appointments with the lactation consultant, but you’re an 8, and that sounds more like a 9 or a 10”).

Then, I think it’s valuable to discuss your limits. Let’s say you’re an 8. We’ll, then triple feeding indefinitely doesn’t make sense. So what’s your limit? Maybe another week and a half? That’s four weeks of triple feeding, that’s a LOT. I think if you can identify some stop points NOW, 1) you decrease the chance of going overboard, and looking back on this years later wishing you’d given up sooner (soooo common) and 2) I think that would be really helpful for your husband to hear, and might really decrease his frustration.

Once those boundaries are in place, I agree that for daily venting, your husband might not be the best choice, especially if it’s becoming repetitive. Do you have any mom friends or relatives? Or maybe joining a new moms group might help?

Good luck! And congrats.

OP here. It’s high for me. It’s important for me to breastfeed because of the pandemic. I will be getting my booster soon and want to pass down any antibodies I can.

It’s not a supply issue. The triple feeding is because he wasn’t gaining enough at the breast and I pump to feed him after with a bottle. I could use formula but I make enough milk that I need to pump because he doesn’t empty me.

My husband was very on board at first. He wanted me to at least try it. When it wasn’t working, he brought formula with the hopes that I will supplement to make it easier on me.

I plan to make breastfeeding work and want to go to 1 year.

I feel I were in this situation I'd stop bottle feeding. He has no reason to want to nurse and he won't fix his latch because he knows a bottle is coming soon.

If he's not draining you, don't pump. You don't want oversupply, which will cause him to only get foremilk.

OP here. His latch is not good enough to fully empty me so we need to bottle feed to keep his weight up. We do slowest flow nipple to make his work for it at the bottle.