Husband Not Being Supportive About Breastfeeding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i truly don't understand the hate/fear about FF. I had a preemie with a mlik protein allergy. we tried to get her to latch, I pumped every 2 hours while she was in the NICU and read every thread on elimination diets all while trying to navigate being a FTM. She was is AGONY and not gaining weight. We switched to formula and VIOLA - happy baby that get nice and healthy within a matter of days. She's now 5 and one of the tallest and most athletic/smart kids in Kindergarten. The only regrets I have are all the newborn photos from the first 6 weeks and seeing how pained her face was 24/7 - not even mentioning the lack of sleep we all had.

I'm due with #2 in several weeks and am prepared to try again with breastfeeding and pumping but let me tell you - if I there are any difficulties and I feel that I am putting my pride over the health and happiness of my baby (or my marriage) - we're doing formula again.

You have got to snap out of this breast or bust mentality - it is SO damaging to women.

That was the right choice for your family. Maybe it’s not for another. I never felt pressured to breastfeed. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Op said she was struggling and not finding emotional support at home. And look what happened here. Slow clap. 👎🏻

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op said she was struggling and not finding emotional support at home. And look what happened here. Slow clap. 👎🏻

She has yet to articulate what she wants her husband to say or do. When she answers that question, I will be more than happy to offer some support and guidance. But for now, she says he’s not helping, and then won’t say anything other than “this is what I’m doing for a year.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op said she was struggling and not finding emotional support at home. And look what happened here. Slow clap. 👎🏻

She has yet to articulate what she wants her husband to say or do. When she answers that question, I will be more than happy to offer some support and guidance. But for now, she says he’s not helping, and then won’t say anything other than “this is what I’m doing for a year.”

Can you go edit a document or badger children/spouse instead? This isn’t for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op said she was struggling and not finding emotional support at home. And look what happened here. Slow clap. 👎🏻

She has yet to articulate what she wants her husband to say or do. When she answers that question, I will be more than happy to offer some support and guidance. But for now, she says he’s not helping, and then won’t say anything other than “this is what I’m doing for a year.”

Your “guidance” is unwelcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op said she was struggling and not finding emotional support at home. And look what happened here. Slow clap. 👎🏻

She has yet to articulate what she wants her husband to say or do. When she answers that question, I will be more than happy to offer some support and guidance. But for now, she says he’s not helping, and then won’t say anything other than “this is what I’m doing for a year.”

Can you go edit a document or badger children/spouse instead? This isn’t for you.

Do tell me how exactly we can support OP when she doesn’t tell us how her husband can be more supportive/what he expects from her, and turns down every suggestion only to say, “I’m doing this for a year.” Please, I’m all ears and think it would be great if you could find a productive way to move this conversation forward. I am all ears and am genuinely curious and hopeful that you’ll find a way to productively address this that hasn’t been tried and shot down by OP already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op said she was struggling and not finding emotional support at home. And look what happened here. Slow clap. 👎🏻

She has yet to articulate what she wants her husband to say or do. When she answers that question, I will be more than happy to offer some support and guidance. But for now, she says he’s not helping, and then won’t say anything other than “this is what I’m doing for a year.”

Can you go edit a document or badger children/spouse instead? This isn’t for you.

Do tell me how exactly we can support OP when she doesn’t tell us how her husband can be more supportive/what he expects from her, and turns down every suggestion only to say, “I’m doing this for a year.” Please, I’m all ears and think it would be great if you could find a productive way to move this conversation forward. I am all ears and am genuinely curious and hopeful that you’ll find a way to productively address this that hasn’t been tried and shot down by OP already.

Stop. This isn’t the right tone. Chill out. I posted earlier and won’t reiterate that. You’re being very aggressive to this new mom demanding information that makes sense to you. If she wants more specific advice she’ll ask on her own timeline.

[Anonymous]

OP, stop talking about breastfeeding with your husband, today. He has made it clear that he does not want to hear about it or engage with you about it anymore. If you need support and companionship around it, find a moms or LLL group. Many meet online.

Are you going back to work at some point? Figuring out how to relate to your spouse w/a baby in the mix is a big part of the transition.

I get that you are very immersed in the details of this and want to discuss it with someone daily, and perhaps you want attention and validation, all quite reasonable wants/needs. Your husband has made it clear that he is not going to be part of that re: this issue. So, find other sources for that and center your relationship with him on other issues. He is not going to cheer you on and feel like you are a great mom b/c of this, someone else might, but he has been clear. Stop talk of flow rates of nipples, drop it all from interactions with DH.

I breastfed for a long time with each of my kids but I see this as a relationship dynamic for you not a feeding issue. It is the first of many relationship dynamic changes you will need to navigate. It would be great if you were exactly on the same page, but that is not the case and not all that likely, you are 2 different people. He is not matching the anxiety and energy you are putting into this and wants to not be involved. What is something that the 3 of you can connect doing? Ways to play and relax together?

Is the kellymom site still around? Lots of discussion of breastfeeding there. Find a mom tribe and don't try to get attention or praise from your DH re: this. Baby doing well, gaining weight, great. The baby will be eating solids in just a few months.

Before cv it was easy to meet other parents of babies at music or gymboree type classes. In the spring maybe those will pick back up.

Hang in there, OP. You are a good mom. Glad the little one is doing well. Make sure to connect with DH re: things that are not about baby, date nights, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, stop talking about breastfeeding with your husband, today. He has made it clear that he does not want to hear about it or engage with you about it anymore. If you need support and companionship around it, find a moms or LLL group. Many meet online.

Are you going back to work at some point? Figuring out how to relate to your spouse w/a baby in the mix is a big part of the transition.

I get that you are very immersed in the details of this and want to discuss it with someone daily, and perhaps you want attention and validation, all quite reasonable wants/needs. Your husband has made it clear that he is not going to be part of that re: this issue. So, find other sources for that and center your relationship with him on other issues. He is not going to cheer you on and feel like you are a great mom b/c of this, someone else might, but he has been clear. Stop talk of flow rates of nipples, drop it all from interactions with DH.

I breastfed for a long time with each of my kids but I see this as a relationship dynamic for you not a feeding issue. It is the first of many relationship dynamic changes you will need to navigate. It would be great if you were exactly on the same page, but that is not the case and not all that likely, you are 2 different people. He is not matching the anxiety and energy you are putting into this and wants to not be involved. What is something that the 3 of you can connect doing? Ways to play and relax together?

Is the kellymom site still around? Lots of discussion of breastfeeding there. Find a mom tribe and don't try to get attention or praise from your DH re: this. Baby doing well, gaining weight, great. The baby will be eating solids in just a few months.

Before cv it was easy to meet other parents of babies at music or gymboree type classes. In the spring maybe those will pick back up.

Hang in there, OP. You are a good mom. Glad the little one is doing well. Make sure to connect with DH re: things that are not about baby, date nights, etc.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Stop complaining. He wants you to be happy. Nobody really cares if you breastfeed or not.

[Anonymous]

I’m always surprised by how sharp responses on this forum can be. OP is reaching out for help…

OP, it’s totally reasonable for you to hope for more support from your DH. It sounds like your DH is in problem solving mode with the formula, and thinks that level of support should do it. But maybe you’re looking for more of an open ear and other kinds of support? One thing that’s worked for me is to tell DH, “When I say xxxx, what I really need is yyyy. When you respond like xxxx, I know you’re trying to help, but it kinda hurts my feelings. I know you don’t mean it, but it would really mean a lot to me if you could xxxx…”

[Anonymous]

Mom of two elementary aged children here. Breastfeeding is not worth the stress. FED IS BEST. I was really hard on myself and caused myself immense anxiety breastfeeding my older child until she was 12 months old. With the second, I started supplementing with formula very early on and switched 100% around 6 months and oh my god, life was so much easier! I desperately wish I had a do-over with number one and could go back and supplement with formula. I don't know what I was thinking.

Also, FWIW, kid #2, who was mostly formula fed, is the one that is in AAP, gets perfect grades, and is a really good soccer player, while #1 who was 100% breastfed did not get into AAP and continues to be behind in math and english and requires hundreds of dollars in tutoring every month, and hates sports. So, the education/smarts/strong body advantage of breastfeeding was NOT the case in our family.

[Anonymous]

Please stop putting so much pressure on yourself! Nobody cares if you BF. Nobody.

[Anonymous]

Think of this from your husband's viewpoint - you complain and complain, he bought formula to HELP YOU, but you won't use it and continue to complain and complain. What do you want from him? He's trying to help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to reframe your complaints. Make sure they’re about fussy baby and not breastfeeding.

My Dh LOVES breastfeeding. It means he never has to get up in the middle of the night to feed. He loves how easy it is to travel without bottles or formula. And he loves that she calms down easily by nursing. In reality he didn’t care whether I breastfed or not, but there were a lot of benefits in it for him. So start telling your Dh all about husbands who have to take every other shift at night instead of you just nursing quickly and then plopping baby in bassinet. (And I’m pro formula too, so don’t take this paragraph the wrong way)

OP here. My baby doesn’t nurse quick. Every feeding takes 45 minutes.

How old is your baby? I think you need to give yourself an end date for breastfeeding. Like if it’s not working by 6 weeks I will start formula and be happy about it. Don’t make yourself miserable. Triple feeding should go on for more than a week in my opinion. It’s hard and can easily make you not like the baby and hate breastfeeding.

Be kind to yourself. It’s okay if breastfeeding isn’t for you. You have a baby! And breastfeeding is such a tiny part of an amazing baby experience. Don’t let it ruin these first few weeks.

OP here. He’s 4.5 weeks old. I’m determined to breastfeed and want to go for at least a year.

That's stupid.