Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you, OP. We had a similar situation in my family, and my parents remain very close to their former DIL (my brother's exwife).

Much like OP's situation, my former SIL has custody of the kids so I think my folks wanted to remain close to her for that reason. But, as the divorce went on, it just became clear that my former SIL was doing her best to provide a peaceful home for her kids and to facilitate a relationship with their dad even as my brother completely spun out of control.

As for me, I'd known my former SIL for more than half of my life. We were young adults together, she was at my wedding, and our kids are cousins. It doesn't make sense to destroy my relationship with her so that I can be closer to my brother, who has completely changed.

This right here. It sounds like the ex-SIL has been in the family for at least 20 years (earlier OP said ex-SIL & brother's kids have cars). If brother went and had affair, and broke up the marriage, and his kids aren't even talking to them, how dare he think he can bring this woman to holiday dinner at his family's house? It's too soon. I'd be concerned the kids would be hurt by the extended family accepting this woman right away and my concern would be for the kids' feelings and not brother or brother's girlfriend! Once his kids come around to the idea of this woman, then I would take their lead. I'm sorry but you don't get to take a wrecking ball to a family and then expect everyone to play nice and pretend there is no hurt or healing that needs to happen first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

I have a brother who is divorced and I was very close to my former SIL. She is family and always will be in my eyes even though they are divorced. Just because someone is blood doesn't automatically mean you should take their side or they they are in the right.

Here’s the thing - with siblings, you can disagree with their actions and behaviors (affair, substance abuse, etc.) but you should still “have their back”.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with the exSIL. But choosing her side publicly and vocally and punishing the sibling will destroy whatever relationship you have with your sibling.

Yeah but what about the relationship with OP's nieces/nephews? They aren't talking to their dad and this acceptance could really hurt them. Why do brother's feelings trump their feelings? They are family too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

Isn't that kind of cutting your nose off to spite your face though? What is OP hoping to accomplish by punishing her brother? In the end her "punishing" him is just going to cause her brother to pull back from the family which will cause herself to be punished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are your brother's kids going to be there? If so, I think it is despicable that your brother wants to bring her. The kids are feeling angry and vulnerable as it is. If they are going to be there, let them have this family time to bond and heal without having to see their dad with his new woman.

OP stated they weren’t going to be there, but she wishes they were along with SIL. She doesn’t really want her brother there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you treating the GF that way, but not your brother? They were equal partners in the end of your brother's marriage. It seems misogynistic to hold the whole thing against the female in the relationship.

This EXACTLY!

Good lord what is wrong with you all?

I hope your brother's girlfriend doesn't ever have to be in the same room as you a-holes for her own sake. May she live a long and beautiful life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you treating the GF that way, but not your brother? They were equal partners in the end of your brother's marriage. It seems misogynistic to hold the whole thing against the female in the relationship.

I think it’s a little different because he is family and she isn’t (yet).

But there does seem to be less antipathy toward the brother in law than is warranted based on how much OP dislikes the OW.

So because he is family it makes it more ok that he cheated? That's not how that works. Family or not he still cheated on his wife and he is just as much to blame for the affair. If anything you should be harder and expect more from your family.

That's exactly how it works. You've never heard a parent say "not my angel!" when someone accuses their kid of messing up. My brother is a cad, and as far as I know he hasn't cheated on his wife, but if he did I would absolutely hold my ground like OP. His wife has been a saint for putting up with him all the years they've been married. If my brother didn't like the consequences, I wouldn't miss him too much.

I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I wasn't saying that people don't think that way when it comes to family but that it shouldn't work that way. Brother shouldn't get a free pass because family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

I have a brother who is divorced and I was very close to my former SIL. She is family and always will be in my eyes even though they are divorced. Just because someone is blood doesn't automatically mean you should take their side or they they are in the right.

Here’s the thing - with siblings, you can disagree with their actions and behaviors (affair, substance abuse, etc.) but you should still “have their back”.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with the exSIL. But choosing her side publicly and vocally and punishing the sibling will destroy whatever relationship you have with your sibling.

Yeah but what about the relationship with OP's nieces/nephews? They aren't talking to their dad and this acceptance could really hurt them. Why do brother's feelings trump their feelings? They are family too.

But they aren’t going to be there. If they were, it’s a different discussion.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

The kids seem to be older in this situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

I have a brother who is divorced and I was very close to my former SIL. She is family and always will be in my eyes even though they are divorced. Just because someone is blood doesn't automatically mean you should take their side or they they are in the right.

Here’s the thing - with siblings, you can disagree with their actions and behaviors (affair, substance abuse, etc.) but you should still “have their back”.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with the exSIL. But choosing her side publicly and vocally and punishing the sibling will destroy whatever relationship you have with your sibling.

Yeah but what about the relationship with OP's nieces/nephews? They aren't talking to their dad and this acceptance could really hurt them. Why do brother's feelings trump their feelings? They are family too.

But they aren’t going to be there. If they were, it’s a different discussion.

No, they aren't going for thanksgiving. But no one said anything about Christmas, and even then they will KNOW she was invited with their dad and the family welcomed her. Setting a precedent for future holidays. It's too soon. Let the kids lead the way. I'm Team OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

I have a brother who is divorced and I was very close to my former SIL. She is family and always will be in my eyes even though they are divorced. Just because someone is blood doesn't automatically mean you should take their side or they they are in the right.

Here’s the thing - with siblings, you can disagree with their actions and behaviors (affair, substance abuse, etc.) but you should still “have their back”.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with the exSIL. But choosing her side publicly and vocally and punishing the sibling will destroy whatever relationship you have with your sibling.

Why can't Op have both of their backs though? Maybe SIL has been in the family a super long time and is super close to her. My point is you shouldn't side with someone because of blood that's a stupid reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Here’s the thing - with siblings, you can disagree with their actions and behaviors (affair, substance abuse, etc.) but you should still “have their back”.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with the exSIL. But choosing her side publicly and vocally and punishing the sibling will destroy whatever relationship you have with your sibling.

100% true. I've seen this happen first hand. I don't believe in discarding family members, and especially not my brother. I accept who my brother chose to date and marry out of love for my brother. I also love my niece and nephew, but honestly, not as deeply as love my brother. We've been doing life together for a very long time. I've done some stupid things, and he had no problem letting me know, but I've never doubted where we stand with each other. It's almost like a safety net. I hope you can be that for your brother, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

The kids seem to be older in this situation

So what?? Why do the brother's feelings outweigh their feelings?