Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

And he was an innocent bystander here?

Exactly. Let’s make the AP the one who gets blamed for the affair. Not the one who actually took the vows.
OP - I think it’s best you don’t invite your brother at all. The affair was his fault. He broke his vows. You should ban him form all future family holiday events, only to low key events. After all, he is a home wrecker. Wouldn’t want that in your home at the holidays. It might spread.

Let me get this straight. You play a role in breaking up a family and then you expect the extended family to welcome you with open arms? What kind of family would that be to be so disloyal to their beloved ex-sister in law?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you treating the GF that way, but not your brother? They were equal partners in the end of your brother's marriage. It seems misogynistic to hold the whole thing against the female in the relationship.

I think it’s a little different because he is family and she isn’t (yet).

But there does seem to be less antipathy toward the brother in law than is warranted based on how much OP dislikes the OW.

So because he is family it makes it more ok that he cheated? That's not how that works. Family or not he still cheated on his wife and he is just as much to blame for the affair. If anything you should be harder and expect more from your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

And he was an innocent bystander here?

Exactly. Let’s make the AP the one who gets blamed for the affair. Not the one who actually took the vows.
OP - I think it’s best you don’t invite your brother at all. The affair was his fault. He broke his vows. You should ban him form all future family holiday events, only to low key events. After all, he is a home wrecker. Wouldn’t want that in your home at the holidays. It might spread.

Let me get this straight. You play a role in breaking up a family and then you expect the extended family to welcome you with open arms? What kind of family would that be to be so disloyal to their beloved ex-sister in law?

I agree with you! Tell your brother he’s banned for life for what he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Because she put what's best for her kids above her own self interests. "

It is in the best interests of the kids to continue having a relationship with their father. It is not healthy for the kids to believe if you screw up you will forever disowned by your family.

He has been not been disowned. We just don't want his mistress around and neither do his kids.

She is not his mistress at this point in time. He is divorced and she is his girlfriend. Move on.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. You took your niece(s) and nephew(s)' side. How would they feel if they think their extended family welcome the other woman with open arms?

Reading the responses, now I know why there are so many "affair" threads in this forums. They are all affair sympathizers or cheater themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you treating the GF that way, but not your brother? They were equal partners in the end of your brother's marriage. It seems misogynistic to hold the whole thing against the female in the relationship.

I think it’s a little different because he is family and she isn’t (yet).

But there does seem to be less antipathy toward the brother in law than is warranted based on how much OP dislikes the OW.

So because he is family it makes it more ok that he cheated? That's not how that works. Family or not he still cheated on his wife and he is just as much to blame for the affair. If anything you should be harder and expect more from your family.

That's exactly how it works. You've never heard a parent say "not my angel!" when someone accuses their kid of messing up. My brother is a cad, and as far as I know he hasn't cheated on his wife, but if he did I would absolutely hold my ground like OP. His wife has been a saint for putting up with him all the years they've been married. If my brother didn't like the consequences, I wouldn't miss him too much.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you, OP. We had a similar situation in my family, and my parents remain very close to their former DIL (my brother's exwife).

Much like OP's situation, my former SIL has custody of the kids so I think my folks wanted to remain close to her for that reason. But, as the divorce went on, it just became clear that my former SIL was doing her best to provide a peaceful home for her kids and to facilitate a relationship with their dad even as my brother completely spun out of control.

As for me, I'd known my former SIL for more than half of my life. We were young adults together, she was at my wedding, and our kids are cousins. It doesn't make sense to destroy my relationship with her so that I can be closer to my brother, who has completely changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

I have a brother who is divorced and I was very close to my former SIL. She is family and always will be in my eyes even though they are divorced. Just because someone is blood doesn't automatically mean you should take their side or they they are in the right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

[Anonymous]

OP, are your brother's kids going to be there? If so, I think it is despicable that your brother wants to bring her. The kids are feeling angry and vulnerable as it is. If they are going to be there, let them have this family time to bond and heal without having to see their dad with his new woman.

[Anonymous]

OP, you created the condition and the condition has now been met. You invite your brother, you invite his girlfriend. You be kind and cordial, you don’t need to be close or welcome her with open arms. If the GF is young enough I guarantee she is thinking about how fast she can get knocked up and create a nice little replacement family. If you ever want to see your new niece or nephew, or have any influence over your brother to not completely screw over his older kids, you will need to go through her.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see why it is an either/or situation. You can still have a relationship with your former sister-in-law while accepting that your brother has moved on with his AP. I don’t understand the loyalty test. If your former sister-in-law is asking for that, well that’s messed up too.

I suspect you didn’t like your brother to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

I have a brother who is divorced and I was very close to my former SIL. She is family and always will be in my eyes even though they are divorced. Just because someone is blood doesn't automatically mean you should take their side or they they are in the right.

Here’s the thing - with siblings, you can disagree with their actions and behaviors (affair, substance abuse, etc.) but you should still “have their back”.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with the exSIL. But choosing her side publicly and vocally and punishing the sibling will destroy whatever relationship you have with your sibling.