Broke off an affair. Going through depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, no cheater is going to win any character awards, but you are really low - your AP was a friend’s wife, and when caught all you moan about is YOUR feelings? You seriously destroyed another marriage (even if it survives) and your own wife, and express zero remorse for your friend, your own wife or any of your sh!tty decisions and actions? Even your AP seemed to immediately snap back to reality when caught. You REALLY need therapy and to find empathy and remorse.

FFS he didn’t destroy anything they didn’t even have sex. This is all so immature.

I’m guessing you are a guy? This isn’t how women see it.

I’m a woman actually. Of course it’s a problem, but if there was no physical relationship the issue is a much less bigger deal. He is immature and a loser but this need not destroy both marriages.

Immature and loser really describes someone who I will love and respect for the rest of my days. Sure, his wife probably won’t divorce him over this. But if she has a shred of self respect it will definitely change the way she sees him pretty much forever.

You don’t marry a static person. People can learn and grow during marriage. If he commits to learning from it and it committed to the marriage some people did that that is stronger than the false ideal that led them to marry to begin with. That is more mature love anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, no cheater is going to win any character awards, but you are really low - your AP was a friend’s wife, and when caught all you moan about is YOUR feelings? You seriously destroyed another marriage (even if it survives) and your own wife, and express zero remorse for your friend, your own wife or any of your sh!tty decisions and actions? Even your AP seemed to immediately snap back to reality when caught. You REALLY need therapy and to find empathy and remorse.

FFS he didn’t destroy anything they didn’t even have sex. This is all so immature.

I’m guessing you are a guy? This isn’t how women see it.

I’m a woman actually. Of course it’s a problem, but if there was no physical relationship the issue is a much less bigger deal. He is immature and a loser but this need not destroy both marriages.

Immature and loser really describes someone who I will love and respect for the rest of my days. Sure, his wife probably won’t divorce him over this. But if she has a shred of self respect it will definitely change the way she sees him pretty much forever.

You don’t marry a static person. People can learn and grow during marriage. If he commits to learning from it and it committed to the marriage some people did that that is stronger than the false ideal that led them to marry to begin with. That is more mature love anyway.

I agree with the general premise. However behaving as OP does in his 40s or 50s is not a change and grow situation. There is a character issue there which isn’t going to magically resolve after a year of counseling, because it requires deep denial and self-deception for him to have gotten to this point in his life. The first issue is that he isn’t honest with himself. The second issue is that he obviously papered over a lot of problems in his marriage instead of confronting them. The third issue is how he is handling this and how he focuses on his feelings instead of anyone else’s — can he genuinely care for anyone, the AP or the wife, with that kind of lens? He might be able to nod his way through enough therapy sessions for his wife to get bored and leave it but do you really see someone like this being willing to open himself up and do the work necessary to understand what the heck he was doing?

People can change their behavior but very rarely at this stage in life can they change fundamental character and personality traits. I am sure his wife knows that as well, she is probably resigned to making her best life while being very realistic about who she married.

[Anonymous]

Who said he was in his 40s/50s? His posts sound more like 20s/30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who said he was in his 40s/50s? His posts sound more like 20s/30s.

You’re right. That’s an assumption based on the average age of men having affairs on this board.

If he’s in his 20s or 30s I would take that as a huge red flag for the marriage. Stepping out early on pre kids is not a good predictor of staying married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who said he was in his 40s/50s? His posts sound more like 20s/30s.

You’re right. That’s an assumption based on the average age of men having affairs on this board.

If he’s in his 20s or 30s I would take that as a huge red flag for the marriage. Stepping out early on pre kids is not a good predictor of staying married.

Sad but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, no cheater is going to win any character awards, but you are really low - your AP was a friend’s wife, and when caught all you moan about is YOUR feelings? You seriously destroyed another marriage (even if it survives) and your own wife, and express zero remorse for your friend, your own wife or any of your sh!tty decisions and actions? Even your AP seemed to immediately snap back to reality when caught. You REALLY need therapy and to find empathy and remorse.

FFS he didn’t destroy anything they didn’t even have sex. This is all so immature.

I’m guessing you are a guy? This isn’t how women see it.

I’m a woman actually. Of course it’s a problem, but if there was no physical relationship the issue is a much less bigger deal. He is immature and a loser but this need not destroy both marriages.

You can do things that destroy marriages without having sex with another person. The main things that seem to be the problem to me are the lack of empathy, remorse, and not taking initiative to, well, get off the couch. Those things do destroy marriages, even without another person involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, no cheater is going to win any character awards, but you are really low - your AP was a friend’s wife, and when caught all you moan about is YOUR feelings? You seriously destroyed another marriage (even if it survives) and your own wife, and express zero remorse for your friend, your own wife or any of your sh!tty decisions and actions? Even your AP seemed to immediately snap back to reality when caught. You REALLY need therapy and to find empathy and remorse.

FFS he didn’t destroy anything they didn’t even have sex. This is all so immature.

I’m guessing you are a guy? This isn’t how women see it.

I’m a woman actually. Of course it’s a problem, but if there was no physical relationship the issue is a much less bigger deal. He is immature and a loser but this need not destroy both marriages.

Immature and loser really describes someone who I will love and respect for the rest of my days. Sure, his wife probably won’t divorce him over this. But if she has a shred of self respect it will definitely change the way she sees him pretty much forever.

You don’t marry a static person. People can learn and grow during marriage. If he commits to learning from it and it committed to the marriage some people did that that is stronger than the false ideal that led them to marry to begin with. That is more mature love anyway.

Show me a middle aged man who suddenly turned and faced up to his s*t and I’ll show you a fire breathing octopus. That stuff might happen in your youth but as you age it becomes much more unlikely. OP has called himself a coward, even he knows that he is too scared to actually deal with anything so that’s why he hides and feels sorry for himself. I am sorry but I don’t see someone like that suddenly starting to take responsibility. Therapy is all well and good but you need to have the patience and courage to go deep with yourself, I think OP knows he got to this place in his own life by running away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It absolutely kills especially since there is no closure. Her husband would divorce if she makes any contact. My wife also knows.
But it kills. We would speak daily and there is this big void in my life.
I don’t know how to move on. I know I messed up and owe my wife an apology but I’m also depressed and can’t move from the couch.

How does your wife know? Is it because the husband called or did you tell her because you were sad and feeling sorry for yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, no cheater is going to win any character awards, but you are really low - your AP was a friend’s wife, and when caught all you moan about is YOUR feelings? You seriously destroyed another marriage (even if it survives) and your own wife, and express zero remorse for your friend, your own wife or any of your sh!tty decisions and actions? Even your AP seemed to immediately snap back to reality when caught. You REALLY need therapy and to find empathy and remorse.

FFS he didn’t destroy anything they didn’t even have sex. This is all so immature.

I’m guessing you are a guy? This isn’t how women see it.

I’m a woman actually. Of course it’s a problem, but if there was no physical relationship the issue is a much less bigger deal. He is immature and a loser but this need not destroy both marriages.

Immature and loser really describes someone who I will love and respect for the rest of my days. Sure, his wife probably won’t divorce him over this. But if she has a shred of self respect it will definitely change the way she sees him pretty much forever.

You don’t marry a static person. People can learn and grow during marriage. If he commits to learning from it and it committed to the marriage some people did that that is stronger than the false ideal that led them to marry to begin with. That is more mature love anyway.

I agree with the general premise. However behaving as OP does in his 40s or 50s is not a change and grow situation. There is a character issue there which isn’t going to magically resolve after a year of counseling, because it requires deep denial and self-deception for him to have gotten to this point in his life. The first issue is that he isn’t honest with himself. The second issue is that he obviously papered over a lot of problems in his marriage instead of confronting them. The third issue is how he is handling this and how he focuses on his feelings instead of anyone else’s — can he genuinely care for anyone, the AP or the wife, with that kind of lens? He might be able to nod his way through enough therapy sessions for his wife to get bored and leave it but do you really see someone like this being willing to open himself up and do the work necessary to understand what the heck he was doing?

People can change their behavior but very rarely at this stage in life can they change fundamental character and personality traits. I am sure his wife knows that as well, she is probably resigned to making her best life while being very realistic about who she married.

I agree. My spouse put himself in individual therapy twice a week for a year. Then, once a week for another year. And now every other week. The change has been remarkable. He’s a much emotionally healthier person than me now. His anger, stress, control issues all subsided after he has unpacked trauma from childhood. At 50, we are more deeply intimate than at 26 because, I agree, it’s now a mature love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, no cheater is going to win any character awards, but you are really low - your AP was a friend’s wife, and when caught all you moan about is YOUR feelings? You seriously destroyed another marriage (even if it survives) and your own wife, and express zero remorse for your friend, your own wife or any of your sh!tty decisions and actions? Even your AP seemed to immediately snap back to reality when caught. You REALLY need therapy and to find empathy and remorse.

FFS he didn’t destroy anything they didn’t even have sex. This is all so immature.

I’m guessing you are a guy? This isn’t how women see it.

I’m a woman actually. Of course it’s a problem, but if there was no physical relationship the issue is a much less bigger deal. He is immature and a loser but this need not destroy both marriages.

Immature and loser really describes someone who I will love and respect for the rest of my days. Sure, his wife probably won’t divorce him over this. But if she has a shred of self respect it will definitely change the way she sees him pretty much forever.

You don’t marry a static person. People can learn and grow during marriage. If he commits to learning from it and it committed to the marriage some people did that that is stronger than the false ideal that led them to marry to begin with. That is more mature love anyway.

I agree with the general premise. However behaving as OP does in his 40s or 50s is not a change and grow situation. There is a character issue there which isn’t going to magically resolve after a year of counseling, because it requires deep denial and self-deception for him to have gotten to this point in his life. The first issue is that he isn’t honest with himself. The second issue is that he obviously papered over a lot of problems in his marriage instead of confronting them. The third issue is how he is handling this and how he focuses on his feelings instead of anyone else’s — can he genuinely care for anyone, the AP or the wife, with that kind of lens? He might be able to nod his way through enough therapy sessions for his wife to get bored and leave it but do you really see someone like this being willing to open himself up and do the work necessary to understand what the heck he was doing?

People can change their behavior but very rarely at this stage in life can they change fundamental character and personality traits. I am sure his wife knows that as well, she is probably resigned to making her best life while being very realistic about who she married.

I agree. My spouse put himself in individual therapy twice a week for a year. Then, once a week for another year. And now every other week. The change has been remarkable. He’s a much emotionally healthier person than me now. His anger, stress, control issues all subsided after he has unpacked trauma from childhood. At 50, we are more deeply intimate than at 26 because, I agree, it’s now a mature love.

It is really great to see people who go through the tough work and painful introspection that you’re talking about. Hopefully OP gets there. He’s obviously not ready for that yet.

[Anonymous]

^ Similar situation. Unlike OP though, my spouse broke off the affair and didn’t have feelings for her. He also had a ton of guilt, shame and remorse and willing worked to change his ways without anyone telling him to. OP is in some fantasy world and not owning up or assessing wtf is wrong with himself. Escapism.

[Anonymous]

Well all this criticism is warranted. Im sulking about a ton of stuff and it is mostly the AP and beating myself up for getting caught. I wasn’t thinking straight. She told me to never text between certain times and I did.
I understand that my wife should be the one that deserves the sympathy and I’m sure that will come once the heartbreak ceases. For now I have regrets of getting caught. We did talk extensively yesterday and she’s disappointed and sad and I couldn’t do much to help her since I’m in a rut.
She even realized that my sorrow has to do with AP. She’s a divorce lawyer as well and this isn’t uncommon for her. She said is going to go through the process of getting our affairs in order to see where I am in 3-6 months.
I just can’t see myself not with the AP but she has a kid and I don’t and therefore is more reliant on her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well all this criticism is warranted. Im sulking about a ton of stuff and it is mostly the AP and beating myself up for getting caught. I wasn’t thinking straight. She told me to never text between certain times and I did.
I understand that my wife should be the one that deserves the sympathy and I’m sure that will come once the heartbreak ceases. For now I have regrets of getting caught. We did talk extensively yesterday and she’s disappointed and sad and I couldn’t do much to help her since I’m in a rut.
She even realized that my sorrow has to do with AP. She’s a divorce lawyer as well and this isn’t uncommon for her. She said is going to go through the process of getting our affairs in order to see where I am in 3-6 months.
I just can’t see myself not with the AP but she has a kid and I don’t and therefore is more reliant on her husband.

I am sorry to tell you this but the kid is an excuse. She has doubts about you. One kid is not an obstacle for someone who is in love with you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to wake up here. Your AP is not leaving for you. You are very close to losing your wife. You are well on the way to ending up empty-handed. Can you get your head out of your ass enough to recognize this and decide to commit to your marriage before you lose it all? Bc you might. You are on probation and your wife also has agency to decide on her own what to do next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well all this criticism is warranted. Im sulking about a ton of stuff and it is mostly the AP and beating myself up for getting caught. I wasn’t thinking straight. She told me to never text between certain times and I did.
I understand that my wife should be the one that deserves the sympathy and I’m sure that will come once the heartbreak ceases. For now I have regrets of getting caught. We did talk extensively yesterday and she’s disappointed and sad and I couldn’t do much to help her since I’m in a rut.
She even realized that my sorrow has to do with AP. She’s a divorce lawyer as well and this isn’t uncommon for her. She said is going to go through the process of getting our affairs in order to see where I am in 3-6 months.
I just can’t see myself not with the AP but she has a kid and I don’t and therefore is more reliant on her husband.

I am sorry to tell you this but the kid is an excuse. She has doubts about you. One kid is not an obstacle for someone who is in love with you.

I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was just infatuation or limmerance, but at the moment I miss her a ton. I’m sure that will fade with time as have previous crushes.