Reply to Broke off an affair. Going through depression

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wow, no cheater is going to win any character awards, but you are really low - your AP was a friend’s wife, and when caught all you moan about is YOUR feelings?  You seriously destroyed another marriage (even if it survives) and your own wife, and express zero remorse for your friend, your own wife or any of your sh!tty decisions and actions?  Even your AP seemed to immediately snap back to reality when caught.  You REALLY need therapy and to find empathy and remorse.[/quote]

FFS he didn’t destroy anything they didn’t even have sex. This is all so immature.[/quote]

I’m guessing you are a guy? This isn’t how women see it.[/quote]

I’m a woman actually. Of course it’s a problem, but if there was no physical relationship the issue is a much less bigger deal. He is immature and a loser but this need not destroy both marriages. [/quote]

Immature and loser really describes someone who I will love and respect for the rest of my days. Sure, his wife probably won’t divorce him over this. But if she has a shred of self respect it will definitely change the way she sees him pretty much forever.[/quote]

You don’t marry a static person. People can learn and grow during marriage. If he commits to learning from it and it committed to the marriage some people did that that is stronger than the false ideal that led them to marry to begin with. That is more mature love anyway.[/quote]

I agree with the general premise. However behaving as OP does in his 40s or 50s is not a change and grow situation. There is a character issue there which isn’t going to magically resolve after a year of counseling, because it requires deep denial and self-deception for him to have gotten to this point in his life. The first issue is that he isn’t honest with himself. The second issue is that he obviously papered over a lot of problems in his marriage instead of confronting them. The third issue is how he is handling this and how he focuses on his feelings instead of anyone else’s — can he genuinely care for anyone, the AP or the wife, with that kind of lens? He might be able to nod his way through enough therapy sessions for his wife to get bored and leave it but do you really see someone like this being willing to open himself up and do the work necessary to understand what the heck he was doing?

People can change their behavior but very rarely at this stage in life can they change fundamental character and personality traits. I am sure his wife knows that as well, she is probably resigned to making her best life while being very realistic about who she married.[/quote]

I agree.  My spouse put himself in individual therapy twice a week for a year.  Then, once a week for another year.  And now every other week.  The change has been remarkable.  He’s a much emotionally healthier person than me now.  His anger, stress, control issues all subsided after he has unpacked trauma from childhood.  At 50, we are more deeply intimate than at 26 because, I agree, it’s now a mature love.[/quote]

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