Broke off an affair. Going through depression

[Anonymous]

In my defense she texted me at innapropriate times but I have her muted and my wife doesn’t go through my phone. I think he was already suspicious about something going on.
I made a mistake, I had been drinking, but we both had been careless.
I get all the hate. And I deserve it. I don’t know why this is affecting me so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, no cheater is going to win any character awards, but you are really low - your AP was a friend’s wife, and when caught all you moan about is YOUR feelings? You seriously destroyed another marriage (even if it survives) and your own wife, and express zero remorse for your friend, your own wife or any of your sh!tty decisions and actions? Even your AP seemed to immediately snap back to reality when caught. You REALLY need therapy and to find empathy and remorse.

FFS he didn’t destroy anything they didn’t even have sex. This is all so immature.

I’m guessing you are a guy? This isn’t how women see it.

I’m a woman actually. Of course it’s a problem, but if there was no physical relationship the issue is a much less bigger deal. He is immature and a loser but this need not destroy both marriages.

You can do things that destroy marriages without having sex with another person. The main things that seem to be the problem to me are the lack of empathy, remorse, and not taking initiative to, well, get off the couch. Those things do destroy marriages, even without another person involved.

This! I have children, so I wanted to save my marriage, even after my dh had a year-long, intense emotional affair (allegedly — I’m not sure I buy that they didn’t have sex), but he had no remorse and just couldn’t even pretend to give a damn about my feelings. What I learned is that even if he never cheats on anyone again, his underlying issues that lead to his EA will still be there. He’s selfish and there’s nothing he won’t justify doing, no matter how detrimental it may be to other people, if he benefits from it. He can stop cheating, but he’ll still be a self-centered prick in a 1000 other, smaller ways because of his tendency to put his desires above other people’s desires (and even needs!), including his own children.

Absolutely. If OP had gone past kissing to sex, but he took the initiative to cut off contact with the AP, gave his wife a sincere apology, didn’t let himself pine for AP, acknowledged the bad emotional space he was in and set up an appointment with a therapist, etc., I think that would be preferable. Physical intimacy with another person is just one small part of the problem when it comes to an affair. The primary issue is who you are as a person and your willingness to improve (plus actually acting on that willingness). And really that’s no different from any other mistake a spouse makes.

(Disclaimer: I don’t want to downplay the serious of physical intimacy. I just don’t see it as the primary problem)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my defense she texted me at innapropriate times but I have her muted and my wife doesn’t go through my phone. I think he was already suspicious about something going on.
I made a mistake, I had been drinking, but we both had been careless.
I get all the hate. And I deserve it. I don’t know why this is affecting me so much.

From the thread of other people being caught cheating, I don’t get why it’s so hard to mute your phone and take care of any other back ups and devices if you’re going to do this kind of thing. Either people are dumb or they want to get caught. Come on, what do you think is going to happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, no cheater is going to win any character awards, but you are really low - your AP was a friend’s wife, and when caught all you moan about is YOUR feelings? You seriously destroyed another marriage (even if it survives) and your own wife, and express zero remorse for your friend, your own wife or any of your sh!tty decisions and actions? Even your AP seemed to immediately snap back to reality when caught. You REALLY need therapy and to find empathy and remorse.

FFS he didn’t destroy anything they didn’t even have sex. This is all so immature.

I’m guessing you are a guy? This isn’t how women see it.

I’m a woman actually. Of course it’s a problem, but if there was no physical relationship the issue is a much less bigger deal. He is immature and a loser but this need not destroy both marriages.

You can do things that destroy marriages without having sex with another person. The main things that seem to be the problem to me are the lack of empathy, remorse, and not taking initiative to, well, get off the couch. Those things do destroy marriages, even without another person involved.

This! I have children, so I wanted to save my marriage, even after my dh had a year-long, intense emotional affair (allegedly — I’m not sure I buy that they didn’t have sex), but he had no remorse and just couldn’t even pretend to give a damn about my feelings. What I learned is that even if he never cheats on anyone again, his underlying issues that lead to his EA will still be there. He’s selfish and there’s nothing he won’t justify doing, no matter how detrimental it may be to other people, if he benefits from it. He can stop cheating, but he’ll still be a self-centered prick in a 1000 other, smaller ways because of his tendency to put his desires above other people’s desires (and even needs!), including his own children.

Absolutely. If OP had gone past kissing to sex, but he took the initiative to cut off contact with the AP, gave his wife a sincere apology, didn’t let himself pine for AP, acknowledged the bad emotional space he was in and set up an appointment with a therapist, etc., I think that would be preferable. Physical intimacy with another person is just one small part of the problem when it comes to an affair. The primary issue is who you are as a person and your willingness to improve (plus actually acting on that willingness). And really that’s no different from any other mistake a spouse makes.

(Disclaimer: I don’t want to downplay the serious of physical intimacy. I just don’t see it as the primary problem)

I agree. The main issue is that OP cannot seem to understand why he did that and what he could have done differently, either in relation to the AP or the wife. The way he tells his story, this all just happened to him and he had zero agency in acting on his own desires. He even acknowledges he would have gone further and really it was only outside circumstances and the OW that prevented that.

He seems to be feeling dead inside or something. But that’s no excuse to destroy everything and everyone around him.

[Anonymous]

Drunk texting? OP, please tell me how old you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my defense she texted me at innapropriate times but I have her muted and my wife doesn’t go through my phone. I think he was already suspicious about something going on.
I made a mistake, I had been drinking, but we both had been careless.
I get all the hate. And I deserve it. I don’t know why this is affecting me so much.

Stop with the I don’t know. You do know, you just refuse to acknowledge your own feelings and desires. If you acknowledged that you wanted certain things you’d have to answer for how you chose to go about getting them and why you did that.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are amusing to a point, but mostly just tiresome. You sound like a horrible and immature life partner, and I hope your wife wises up.
In this thread you make it abundantly clear that you feel your only screw-up was getting caught. Any other claim to feeling you were in the wrong rings hollow.
Sounds more like you expect your wife to understand your disappointment with losing your affair partner and coddle you while you pine away on the couch.
ew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are amusing to a point, but mostly just tiresome. You sound like a horrible and immature life partner, and I hope your wife wises up.
In this thread you make it abundantly clear that you feel your only screw-up was getting caught. Any other claim to feeling you were in the wrong rings hollow.
Sounds more like you expect your wife to understand your disappointment with losing your affair partner and coddle you while you pine away on the couch.
ew.

Pretty spot on. I regret getting caught more than anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are amusing to a point, but mostly just tiresome. You sound like a horrible and immature life partner, and I hope your wife wises up.
In this thread you make it abundantly clear that you feel your only screw-up was getting caught. Any other claim to feeling you were in the wrong rings hollow.
Sounds more like you expect your wife to understand your disappointment with losing your affair partner and coddle you while you pine away on the couch.
ew.

Pretty spot on. I regret getting caught more than anything

Get a divorce. Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are amusing to a point, but mostly just tiresome. You sound like a horrible and immature life partner, and I hope your wife wises up.
In this thread you make it abundantly clear that you feel your only screw-up was getting caught. Any other claim to feeling you were in the wrong rings hollow.
Sounds more like you expect your wife to understand your disappointment with losing your affair partner and coddle you while you pine away on the couch.
ew.

Pretty spot on. I regret getting caught more than anything

OP, what do you bring to the table for anyone in this? You are a crap friend, a crap husband, you mope on the couch. What did you have to offer to the woman, or to anyone, in this equation? My best guess is you are depressed, the texting affair was a way to address your depression, and the fact that it ended has made you more depressed. You need to treat your depression, not avoid it by having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are amusing to a point, but mostly just tiresome. You sound like a horrible and immature life partner, and I hope your wife wises up.
In this thread you make it abundantly clear that you feel your only screw-up was getting caught. Any other claim to feeling you were in the wrong rings hollow.
Sounds more like you expect your wife to understand your disappointment with losing your affair partner and coddle you while you pine away on the couch.
ew.

Pretty spot on. I regret getting caught more than anything

OP, what do you bring to the table for anyone in this? You are a crap friend, a crap husband, you mope on the couch. What did you have to offer to the woman, or to anyone, in this equation? My best guess is you are depressed, the texting affair was a way to address your depression, and the fact that it ended has made you more depressed. You need to treat your depression, not avoid it by having an affair.

Amen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are amusing to a point, but mostly just tiresome. You sound like a horrible and immature life partner, and I hope your wife wises up.
In this thread you make it abundantly clear that you feel your only screw-up was getting caught. Any other claim to feeling you were in the wrong rings hollow.
Sounds more like you expect your wife to understand your disappointment with losing your affair partner and coddle you while you pine away on the couch.
ew.

Pretty spot on. I regret getting caught more than anything

OP, what do you bring to the table for anyone in this? You are a crap friend, a crap husband, you mope on the couch. What did you have to offer to the woman, or to anyone, in this equation? My best guess is you are depressed, the texting affair was a way to address your depression, and the fact that it ended has made you more depressed. You need to treat your depression, not avoid it by having an affair.

PP, you are a good, compassionate person.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he is depressed he didn’t get to have sex with her. I mean you keep this up for a while suddenly you find yourself in bed. The OP though seems to have been more interested in validation. Like he was missing a lot from life and she gave him something extra. This is really a sad human being

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone excoriating OP? The emotional/kissing affair ended before it went too far, it happened over time with someone he knew, he wasn't out looking for other women, he confessed, it's over. At least he didn't sleep with the lady and then leave his wife and children for a homewrecker. Then you all would crucify him.

Even if you don’t look at it from a strictly moral point of view, this is regrettable. Say people do things like this because it’s life-affirming. It feels good to have fun. Connecting with another person is meaningful. OK, fine. But you show what you value by how much you care. OP was careless with something he claims mattered to him. That’s why he can’t have nice things.

[Anonymous]

If OP were a woman, there would be pages of posts castigating her husband for not doing enough in the marriage. Given that OP is a man, he is the one castigated for the affair.

DCUM never fails.