At my wit’s end-bullying

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08/01/2018 00:09

Subject: At my wit’s end-bullying

quote

Anonymous

Apologies in advance for long post.
I am not prone to histrionics. When one of my children complains of an incident in school where he/she felt unfairly treated by either another student or a teacher, I have always asked in -depth questions on the facts and, once I am satisfied that it is not a really serious issue, which it usually is not, I help my child to see things in perspective, arm them for any future similar situations in cases where I believe they might be being over sensitive or simply teach them how to stand up for themselves to say something along the lines of-“that’s not very kind. Please don’t do that” in a firm voice. There has never, until now, been a strong enough reason for me to escalate anything to the teacher or higher. I have two other children -14 and 10 and my youngest is 8. She (youngest) has had the most awful time since she started at her school which is different from her siblings because we moved.
It is a predominantly white school (well known for good academics) and my daughter is mixed -white/Black. I must stress that I do not think the school is racist per se but because there are so few children of other races -5 families in total I was told last year by the social worker though it looks like there are a couple more this year- many of the children are curious about differences and have asked my daughter many awkward questions and postulated various reasons why they believe she looks different-none of them nice-think covered in mud, being likened to various animals etc. I can see why this is happening. Faced with being on close proximity , even friends with someone who is different from them, they want their curiosities assuaged and my daughter has borne the brunt of these questions as the only child of color in her class until this year when a South Asian girl was added. Don’t even start me off on Black History Month and lessons on Slavery-ugh! This year the curiosity has ratcheted up to unkindness and there have been 2 children in particular who insist on teasing her about some aspect of her looks -usually related to her race -who ask her almost daily whether her bottom is so large because she is black. My daughter is very slim but when she walks she juts her bottom out. It looks very cute to me but clearly these 2 girls think otherwise.
She has been bullied on the bus, had her hair pulled, been shoved, and the questions have taken on a meanness which did not exist before.
Her reaction has gone from despair and hating herself for being brown, wanting to die, not knowing how to be happy being brown, believing brown is ugly and her beautiful golden brown curls are nasty, being angry with her black parent for not having white hair and white skin like other parents and for making her brown, to this year, just trying her best to disassociate herself from her blackness by insisting that only her white parent attend school functions and, to be honest, she seems happier. She has gone from oscillating between extreme anger and hysterical tears upon arriving home from school to being just anxious that her friends will see her non white parent and she’s obsessed with comparing her complexion with her brother and sister (who could not care less) and deciding that she has the lightest skin and lightest eyes.
I am hearbtoken for her. Of course we both go to school events where all parents are invited but she has pleaded with black parent not to volunteer in the classroom so only the white parent does. However, more than once I have heard children ask her where her other parent is when we are both there-gives black parent a wide berth. One child, upon hearing her sister (who has zero issues with her color) refer to that parent as mom/dad, asked my daughter who the person was and her sister piped up again that “he/she is my dad/mom”. My daughter looked mortified and the little girl who had asked looked utterly confused and looked to her parents, to whom we had just introduced ourselves, for confirmation. We laughed it off but I felt so sad for my daughter that she has had to create this fallacy in order to fit in. An 8 year old should not have to deal with these things. She should be in a safe environment as she develops a love of learning.
I have requested a transfer for two years in a row now, to a more diverse environment where there are a smattering of children of various races/complexions so that she does not have to endure this any longer. I despair over how this will all translate in the pre teen and teen years-I fear it will not be good. I also do not want to compromise on academic rigor.
The first year I was told verbally that there was room for her at another very good school both wrt to academics and diversity because a student had left only to be told, about a week before school started that, a new family had moved into the neighborhood and the space was gone. We both cried when she was leaving for school on the first day back. This year I received a letter rejecting my application even before I’d had a chance to make another request. I have written a strong letter to the Deputy Superintendent but she does not appear to be budging at this point.
What are my options? Part of me wants to put pressure on then by naming and shaming publicly -not that I even know how to go about that-but I am more concerned that my daughter is put in a healthier environment than retaliation. I just don’t know what avenues are open to us at this point. Private is not an option. I used a lawyer to get her an IEP -expensive - so it will be tough but if it is our only option we will have to do that.
Any advice will be appreciated.