At my wit’s end-bullying
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Anonymous
Then I offer my sincere apologies. |
Anonymous
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Go over the head of the last official who said no. Tell the school system that you are retaining a lawyer and considering legal options to get your child moved regardless of "the school is closed to transfers" etc. Then DO get a lawyer to write a letter. It'll cost but a whiff of an attorney and words like "court" make school officials react.
Is your daughter getting counseling (not seeing the school counselor, but seeing a counselor outside school) or even therapy? Her intense reaction of shutting out her black parent and not wanting to be seen with her black parent by other kids is just soul-crushing. For her and for both parents. So is her very damaged self-image and her hatred of her looks. Wow. School has been your focus but first I'd get her some serious help for these difficult feelings; she needs serious help to learn to love herself and to move away from blaming her black parent--that's stuff that will linger into adulthood if not dealt with. I really would get get her going to an experienced professional ASAP, preferably one with experience working with kids who have been bullied. I'm so, so sorry this has happened to her and to your family. Don't focus on the school/changing schools issues so much that you think that school change will undo this damage. Poor child. |
Anonymous
| PP here. Also--does she have any activities (NOT related to or held at school) where she is accepted, liked for herself, and feels happy? Be sure she does. She needs safe places besides home where she can be seen as just another kid, and can have peers around her who are not part of the school circle, don't know what's going on at school, etc. A well-run Girl Scout troop, a church kids' group of you're religious, anything. It can help her to know that there ARE places where she can be her full self, including the self whose skin doesn't generate comments. Of course the school issue is huge and I still advocate her getting professional help for her feelings, but a place where kids just interact with her positively could help bolster whatever counseling and a new school can do. |
Anonymous
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I agree with PP, however I do think you should get her out of that environment and also pursue therapy.
OP, don't ask for a transfer to a "good" school, especially not the one that used to be part of a "team," because they really are not going to approve that transfer for any reason (yours is not the only request they have received, and probably not the only one with some very serious reason requesting that transfer). Any more diverse school would be better for your child at this point, even one that isn't widely recognized as "good." You're more likely to be taken seriously if you aren't just trying for one particular schoool. Also, pay closer attention to how your older kids are faring. A group of Black/Brown kids in your zone spoke out a School Board Meeting last year and they did not paint a very happy picture of being Black/Brown at your zoned HS. |
Anonymous
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Oh, sis. I am so, so sorry. It's telling that so many posters believe you are trolling them. It's my experience from surveying white friends that none of them ever actual spoke to their children about being understanding that people come in different colors, styles, religions, etc. It's not on their radar hence the nonsense that turns to defensiveness (because "I don't see color") and it's a big annoying situation where the subtext is "what did you expect Ruby Bridges?" (google that fools).
I wish you had looked on this board because there have been many black mothers who posted about Northern Virginia schools and the consensus is -- oddly -- our children do better in a school like Hayfield or West Springfield than Yorktown. There are theories why which I am not touching with a ten foot pole, but in my experience, this has been confirmed. I am a physician at AHC and my DH works in Tysons. We were candidates for North Arlington or the McLean area and chose to buy a house in West Springfield. Yes, we could have afforded a nicer place, but our experience has been consistently outstanding, there is a small, but meaningful cohort of children who are black and the issues you are describing would have never, ever been tolerated in our school. FWIW, I hate to say it but you are kind of stuck with a few choices. Move, move schools or try to find a place for your DD to go to school that won't kill her spirit. I'm so sorry. |
Anonymous
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Get a lawyer.
Write a letter of grievance to your school board. Copy every one on the board with this letter: not just one person. EVERY PERSON on your board. Identify the teachers and admin in your school who have not acted in helping your kids- APS has a strict anti-bullying . Make sure your lawyer writes up the letter to avoid libel. But provide enough evidence of what is going on and the complicit nature of your school's admin. The have a no tolerance for bullying: https://www.apsva.us/staff-policy-review/student-bullying-harassment/ "Procedures for Reporting Staff members should view bullying and sexual harassment seriously and intervene promptly when they see a student harassing another student. Ensure students know that inappropriate behaviors such as teasing, threatening, spreading rumors, gossiping, unwanted touching, name-calling, pushing, tripping and hitting will not be tolerated. <b>Staff members that fail to intervene and report instances of bullying may be legally liable for failure to protect a student.</b>" Make sure you name the people that are in your school that have failed to address the bullying. IOW: because the admin/staff at your school failed to follow the county issued governance and procedures, those individuals are not protected by the County. So: get a lawyer. There are free ones in the universities in our area and this area has so many-- one of your neighbors could be one. |
Anonymous
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OP, I am a mixed race person with children at an elementary school in 22207 and I am shocked about what you're reporting. It is absolutely unacceptable. If this was happening to my children, I would be raising a huge fuss.
Was the teacher not responsive? I would've reached out to the school counselors and copied the principal and assistant principal next. The school counselors should be teaching these kids about racial tolerance just like they teach them about anti-bullying. And if they didn't solve the problem I would escalate to the school board and superintendent. Could you find out what it takes to get a pupil placement at another school? I know parents in Arlington who have done that. Lastly, I did the same thing your daughter is doing--trying to hide my parent who looked different. Heartbreaking for everyone involved. It doesn't have to be that way. |
Anonymous
+1000 Move to a cheaper area or welcome to the resistance. My white friends don't talk about race either. We talk about race (half asian/half white) because my DS identifies as white. HE IS NOT. It's a problem that I'm working on: cultural shame is not cool. But you want your kids to have self awareness too-- and not be blatantly and blase about race. So, we talk about it. I still think you need a lawyer. The school code strictly prohibits lack of action when it comes to bullying. |
Anonymous
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OP, what have you done to document these issues? If the answer is nothing, then start now. Write down specific events, dates, names and keep a log at home. Record how many days she comes home crying. Use this information to email your child's teacher and copy the principal and assistant principal. Include detail on how this makes your daughter feel. Ask what specifically they are doing to address these issues. Ask for a meeting. Physical and emotionally abusive encounters need to be dealt with, whether at school or on the bus, and you should insist that they be addressed. If the responses are not to your satisfaction, escalate. The school board members have email addresses online and they read their emails. I have personally witnessed a school board member being told, after the fact, of a discriminatory issue at a school and she stated, email us because we want to hear about these issues.
My daughter was in APS starting in preschool and she somehow lost her winter coat on a sub-20 degree day, and APS sent her on home with no coat and no call to me. I showed up in person to complain to the assistant principal because I felt that the school needed to do a better job of looking after their very young charges. Obviously a piddling issue, but the point is you need to show up and make yourself known. APS parents complain about everything and the squeaky wheel does indeed get the grease. I can't speak to what this must be like on a personal level for you, we are a white family. But I would encourage you to advocate strongly for your daughter and to let her see you advocate. Otherwise, she may take away the message that her concerns are trivial, that what is happening to her is NBD and just something she has to accept. That's not correct. Bullying and especially race-based bullying is wrong. I believe your daughter will benefit from seeing her parents in her corner, stating strongly that this is wrong. I'm sorry you're going through this. |
Anonymous
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1. Get a lawyer who specializes in these issues -- start with whoever you used to get your IEP, or post on the special needs/special issues boards for recommendations. Get the lawyer do whatever it takes to have her moved to a different school, because this one is never going to address these issues and even if they pretend to, she will be stuck with the same kids, who aren't going to change. Yes, a lawyer will be expensive, but so is therapy, which your DD will need down the road if this continues. If (G-d forbid) she attempts to harm herself when she's older, treatment is expensive too. It sounds callous to put in those terms but if money is the barrier, think of it that way. Spend the money now, up front, where it can do more good.
2. Private school -- again, is the issue money? A lot of privates have scholarships. Catholic schools are often cheaper and, from what I have observed in my local Catholic schools in MD, tend to be quite diverse with lots of black/brown kids. You don't have to commit to Catholic education forever, either. Just elementary school while you figure out other options like moving. Also, lawyer might be able to advise you on whether you can have the public school system pay for private on the theory that they are refusing to remediate a harmful environment and won't accommodate child at another public school. 3. Does your daughter participate in any activities outside of school or spend time in environments that are majority black/AA? Like a black church, or church-sponsored summer camp, or some other activity that I'm sure AA posters on here can recommend? If not, get her into something like that ASAP and make it a permanent feature of your week. At least once a week she spends time in an environment where she does not stand out, where the kids look like her, where blackness is celebrated and beautiful. (It should be celebrated as beautiful everywhere but clearly it's not.) Maybe her older siblings can go too. And she can't be allowed to pull away from her black parent like you describe. (Also, don't be surprised that if/when you put her in an environment with all or mostly black kids, she tries to act out some of the abuse that's been perpetrated on her, like saying she is the most beautiful because her skin is lightest, or something -- you may need to head that off before it happens or be vigilant.) This is a really tough situation but you aren't trapped. She is still very young. You can change this now. It will be uncomfortable and difficult and take money that you may not have, but it will be worth it. Hugs. |
Anonymous
| I'm so sorry this is happening to your daughter. Humans can be so cruel. And this wouldn't at all surprise me to be happening in 22207. Twice this year I've had to loudly intervene when white grandparents at the local playground have been overly aggressive w/the few AA kids that play there. There are literally two AA families who use the playground, and both have been told their kids are too loud, too aggressive, shouldn't be playing near the babies when none of that has been true at all. If anyone thinks the 22207 is immune to bias, implicit or express, they are naive. I'm so sorry. |
Anonymous
+1 ugh.. this is one of the reasons we moved to a racially (and SES) diverse school cluster even though we could afforded a "better" school cluster with higher test scores, ie mostly Asian/white. My kids are biracial. But we live in MoCo. I think OP you should move to a more diverse area. There is nothing worse to a tween/teen than being "different" than everyone else in appearance. |
Anonymous
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I'm so sad and angry that people think you are a troll. I live in 22207, and we've watched with horror as our principal and assistant principal have ignored and dismissed bullying. Please press ahead. Email the asst superintendent for administrative services, the director of special education, and his boss, the asst superintendent for learning and instruction. Go to the Arlington Special Education Advisory Committee (ASEAC) and ask for help. Your child is entitled to an appropriate placement, which by definition should be a safe one.
Children in APS have gotten transfers because of bullying. You social worker should know how it's done. If you post on the SN board, people may know more about the process. But I think the reality is that persistence pays off. https://www.apsva.us/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/Transfer-Report-2017-18.pdf |
Anonymous
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OP, we could afford N. Arlington but didn't buy there exactly because of this reason, the schools are too white. In all probability the white folks living in 22207 are perfectly nice people but the stress of being just 6-7 people of color in a school is too much for kids and very isolating. N. Arlington is too segregated, you need to move. We ended up buying in Haycock/Longfellow/McLean. Also, my experience could be a little different because we are South Asian, not black but POC nevertheless.
I would never suggest 22207 to a POC, it's just not a healthy place for kids of minorities. |
Anonymous
No one is saying 22207 is immune, people are just saying OP's account isn't factually consistent with the schools where she says she lives. So either she's exaggerating the circumstances (and made one or two other factual errors), which isn't constructive if she's sincerely looking for advice, or she's outright making stuff up to throw shade at a school (and it's really easy to figure out which school she's pointing to). |