At my wit’s end-bullying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologies in advance for long post.
I am not prone to histrionics. When one of my children complains of an incident in school where he/she felt unfairly treated by either another student or a teacher, I have always asked in -depth questions on the facts and, once I am satisfied that it is not a really serious issue, which it usually is not, I help my child to see things in perspective, arm them for any future similar situations in cases where I believe they might be being over sensitive or simply teach them how to stand up for themselves to say something along the lines of-“that’s not very kind. Please don’t do that” in a firm voice. There has never, until now, been a strong enough reason for me to escalate anything to the teacher or higher. I have two other children -14 and 10 and my youngest is 8. She (youngest) has had the most awful time since she started at her school which is different from her siblings because we moved.
It is a predominantly white school (well known for good academics) and my daughter is mixed -white/Black. I must stress that I do not think the school is racist per se but because there are so few children of other races -5 families in total I was told last year by the social worker though it looks like there are a couple more this year- many of the children are curious about differences and have asked my daughter many awkward questions and postulated various reasons why they believe she looks different-none of them nice-think covered in mud, being likened to various animals etc. I can see why this is happening. Faced with being on close proximity , even friends with someone who is different from them, they want their curiosities assuaged and my daughter has borne the brunt of these questions as the only child of color in her class until this year when a South Asian girl was added. Don’t even start me off on Black History Month and lessons on Slavery-ugh! This year the curiosity has ratcheted up to unkindness and there have been 2 children in particular who insist on teasing her about some aspect of her looks -usually related to her race -who ask her almost daily whether her bottom is so large because she is black. My daughter is very slim but when she walks she juts her bottom out. It looks very cute to me but clearly these 2 girls think otherwise.
She has been bullied on the bus, had her hair pulled, been shoved, and the questions have taken on a meanness which did not exist before.
Her reaction has gone from despair and hating herself for being brown, wanting to die, not knowing how to be happy being brown, believing brown is ugly and her beautiful golden brown curls are nasty, being angry with her black parent for not having white hair and white skin like other parents and for making her brown, to this year, just trying her best to disassociate herself from her blackness by insisting that only her white parent attend school functions and, to be honest, she seems happier. She has gone from oscillating between extreme anger and hysterical tears upon arriving home from school to being just anxious that her friends will see her non white parent and she’s obsessed with comparing her complexion with her brother and sister (who could not care less) and deciding that she has the lightest skin and lightest eyes.
I am hearbtoken for her. Of course we both go to school events where all parents are invited but she has pleaded with black parent not to volunteer in the classroom so only the white parent does. However, more than once I have heard children ask her where her other parent is when we are both there-gives black parent a wide berth. One child, upon hearing her sister (who has zero issues with her color) refer to that parent as mom/dad, asked my daughter who the person was and her sister piped up again that “he/she is my dad/mom”. My daughter looked mortified and the little girl who had asked looked utterly confused and looked to her parents, to whom we had just introduced ourselves, for confirmation. We laughed it off but I felt so sad for my daughter that she has had to create this fallacy in order to fit in. An 8 year old should not have to deal with these things. She should be in a safe environment as she develops a love of learning.
I have requested a transfer for two years in a row now, to a more diverse environment where there are a smattering of children of various races/complexions so that she does not have to endure this any longer. I despair over how this will all translate in the pre teen and teen years-I fear it will not be good. I also do not want to compromise on academic rigor.
The first year I was told verbally that there was room for her at another very good school both wrt to academics and diversity because a student had left only to be told, about a week before school started that, a new family had moved into the neighborhood and the space was gone. We both cried when she was leaving for school on the first day back. This year I received a letter rejecting my application even before I’d had a chance to make another request. I have written a strong letter to the Deputy Superintendent but she does not appear to be budging at this point.
What are my options? Part of me wants to put pressure on then by naming and shaming publicly -not that I even know how to go about that-but I am more concerned that my daughter is put in a healthier environment than retaliation. I just don’t know what avenues are open to us at this point. Private is not an option. I used a lawyer to get her an IEP -expensive - so it will be tough but if it is our only option we will have to do that.
Any advice will be appreciated.

It doesn't sound like you are witnessing theses actions. And it sounds like your DD is overly sensitive just in general.

What happens when you have an overly sensitive child and any non-super positive interactions with another child or an adult, the child views and feels far more deeply than a child with normal sensitivity and it means that situations get blown up in the child's mind to a level that doesn't match reality.
For example, pulled hair may have happened once but an overly sensitive child will report it as always happening because in their mind the one time that it did happen means that it is always going to happen the next time any time they see the child even if the other child never approaches the child again or even speaks to the child. Its not like the child is willfully lying by saying it happens all the time but rather they have serious anxiety about the situation and they have no other way to describe or even understand the feeling so they turn into something concrete they can articulate.

While you peruse school options, you might also want to in parallel really think about seeking an evaluation for your child. Yes, you can switch schools but you may find this same issue appears again for your child.

The entire post immediately above is gaslighting bullshit. Do.not.listen OP.

No, this is not an example of gaslighting.

Anyway, I am speaking from experience. My child is non-white if it helps and she is hyper sensitive - just her personality - and she had serious anxiety. The OP mentioned that her older children did not have the same experience. It's entirley possible they did face some of the same issues but they have normal sensitivity so they had the ability to cope with the issues in the moment.

I think there are lots of great suggestions in terms of what the OP needs to do to approach the school - document, etc but she also should not discount that her DD might need help for not just dealing with these school issues but overall issues.

Dismissing the concerns of minorities in his scenario is gaslighting. And you're probably doing it to your "non white" child too.

[Anonymous]

Please don't let the gaslight trolls influence the care you give your daughter. Only you can determine how strongly you intervene.

If this has been going on for a lengthy period of time and your daughter is truly sad, then you must intervene in a very strong and assertive way. Begin with the principal and the move to the area superintendent. If your child is still being bullied you then need to go to the police.

All three entities have a duty and compelling. interest to assure your child is not abused physically or psychologically.

However, this path comes with a cost. Teachers are clannish and they are not above using their power to share information with other teachers you don't even know. Sometimes you'll end up with hostile teachers you've never met before.

If your child is not truly sad, you can try to let her work it out herself.

We cannot allow people to knock our kids around.

If the bullying is relentless it's because the teachers are complicit. They still have "teachers pets". They here all of the gossip from the kids and in the teachers lounge. if the bullying is relentless it's entirely because the teachers have not firmly told the bullies "This stops right now - This stops today"

However, the kids and their parents will then ostracize your daughter and that's painful as hell.

If they do ostracize you daughter then you'll need to be her best friend and do fun activities until this phase in her life.

The bullies eventually fad away. As mentioned earlier their popularity begins to fad midway through high school. They end up destroying their own lives. Mean girls who were cute at age 10 are often times less attractive and awkward at 15. Mean guys are often times drunks in high school, failures in college, sad 30 year olds, if not physically dead they are emotionally and psychologically dead at 40.

Come back and let the DCUM community help or at least talk to you during this painful time in your lives.

It will take time ... but eventually you be okay.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely consider a more diverse school - perhaps even more diverse than you have otherwise needed if this hadn’t happened, I’d consider schools that are considered less desirable - I have friends with kids at Barrett that are very happy and I think that’s pretty diverse - I’m not in Arlington so this is second hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here are the totals for last year the least diverse schools in 22207 for Asian, Black and Hispanic, but excluding Multiple:

Discovery: 96
Jamestown: 61
Nottingham: 79
Taylor: 87
Tuckahoe: 67

We are at one of those schools (one of the less-diverse ones even within that group), and I personally know more well more than six families who do not present as white. The least diverse, Jamestown, is 81% white, so nearly a fifth of the school identifies as something other than just white.

Remember APS filled I believe Jamestown, Discovery and possibly Nottingham by moving country wide VPI preschool programs there. So if those numbers include preschool those schools look more diverse than they are, so the upper grades are whiter than the stats.

[Anonymous]

OP is this an APS school in N Arlington? She doesn't say whether it is or not. If so can I suggest you email and call your school's School Board liaison first. Assignments just changed.

https://www.apsva.us/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/2018-19-Liaison-List-July-2018-Revised-1.pdf

Second, contact SEPTA and if your school has an active SEPTA chapter like some get a hold of that parent.

http://www.arlingtonsepta.org/parent-liasons/

chrome-extension://bpmcpldpdmajfigpchkicefoigmkfalc/views/app.html

The SEPTA folks will be able to help you find the best attorneys for the school if that is the path you go and just in general transfer request questions. These parents understand the transfer system as SpedED kids often need to switch schools if they don't jive well with SpedED staff at a certain school. IF this school is either Jamestown or Nottingham than the School Board is going to be helpful, they are scared of more lawsuits from these schools. Also if your daughter already has an IEP or 504 plan school bus time accomidations can be added.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are the totals for last year the least diverse schools in 22207 for Asian, Black and Hispanic, but excluding Multiple:

Discovery: 96
Jamestown: 61
Nottingham: 79
Taylor: 87
Tuckahoe: 67

We are at one of those schools (one of the less-diverse ones even within that group), and I personally know more well more than six families who do not present as white. The least diverse, Jamestown, is 81% white, so nearly a fifth of the school identifies as something other than just white.

Remember APS filled I believe Jamestown, Discovery and possibly Nottingham by moving country wide VPI preschool programs there. So if those numbers include preschool those schools look more diverse than they are, so the upper grades are whiter than the stats.

No, they didn't. Nottingham has no preschool, and Jamestown and Discovery have Montessori, not VPI. Further, since Montessori is split between low-income and non for the program as a whole but not per school and seats are assigned based on geography, the Montessori students at Jamestown and Discovery as disproportionately *not* low-income.

Further, even if they did, the civil rights stats cited above are for K-5 only and exclude preschoolers, so even if there were VPI students there, they would not be included in the civil rights data. Montessori kindergartners are, but not preschoolers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said that your two older kids are doing fine in this same school.
So maybe this racial bullying is not a school wide issue but just a matter of a couple of mean girls tormenting your daughter. If so, can you get in touch with their parents?
N. Arlington area is very liberal, I am sure parents will be mortified when they hear that their children are involved in racial bullyng. They might stop their kids from bullying your daughter.
Meanwhile, you need to do something to integrated her into your school community. Perhaps you can have a party and invite her classmates?

I believe OP said her older kids did not have this problem because they attended a different school. The family moved between when the older two were in elementary school vs now when the younger child is in elementary school.

Yes, I agree that it sounds like a couple of bad kids, but the problem is that when the school will not address the issue of those couple of bad kids, then it is a hostile environment. The school needs to address the problem. This is no different than one co-worker harassing another co-worker. Even though it is only one employee doing the harassment, if management will not address the issue, then it is a hostile environment for the employee who is being victimized.

I personally think in this instance, that trying to handle it outside the school and contacting the parents is the wrong way to handle it. You need to work within the system to document the problems and make sure that there is a paper trail of the fact that there are problems and how the school handles it or the problem will just happen again to another child, maybe not tomorrow, but probably within the school year another child will have the same problem. This needs to be addressed within the system and documented so that the school will learn how to properly handle such problems.

[Anonymous]

I believe OP said her older kids did not have this problem because they attended a different school. The family moved between when the older two were in elementary school vs now when the younger child is in elementary school.

Yeah, I was curious about that because she said her second oldest child was 10. Are there elementary schools that cut off after 4th grade?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are the totals for last year the least diverse schools in 22207 for Asian, Black and Hispanic, but excluding Multiple:

Discovery: 96
Jamestown: 61
Nottingham: 79
Taylor: 87
Tuckahoe: 67

We are at one of those schools (one of the less-diverse ones even within that group), and I personally know more well more than six families who do not present as white. The least diverse, Jamestown, is 81% white, so nearly a fifth of the school identifies as something other than just white.

Remember APS filled I believe Jamestown, Discovery and possibly Nottingham by moving country wide VPI preschool programs there. So if those numbers include preschool those schools look more diverse than they are, so the upper grades are whiter than the stats.

No, they didn't. Nottingham has no preschool, and Jamestown and Discovery have Montessori, not VPI. Further, since Montessori is split between low-income and non for the program as a whole but not per school and seats are assigned based on geography, the Montessori students at Jamestown and Discovery as disproportionately *not* low-income.

Further, even if they did, the civil rights stats cited above are for K-5 only and exclude preschoolers, so even if there were VPI students there, they would not be included in the civil rights data. Montessori kindergartners are, but not preschoolers

You know all of you who are arguing about the numbers in OP's post not matching up, need to just stop with the red herring. OP may have misremembered the numbers told to her or may have changed them. She intentionally did not identify the school. She was trying to avoid turning the discussion into one about the school, and directing it to her specific problem for her child. Arguing about the school demographics and statistics does not help OP with her problem and the noise just makes it harder to have a helpful discussion about OP's situation.

Give it a break, folks. Try to get back to the point about helping OP with her situation rather than trying to identify the school and prove that she made a mistake in the numbers.

[Anonymous]

Given what you wrote her, you need to transfer schools or move. Full stop.

But beyond that, it is worrying that your family does not seem to have any interactions with black people and culture besides black parent, which is inexcusable in this area. Go to a black church. A black hair salon. Black cultural events are happening around town weekly. The more black people she sees, and the more she is surrounded by positive role models,the better she will feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I believe OP said her older kids did not have this problem because they attended a different school. The family moved between when the older two were in elementary school vs now when the younger child is in elementary school.

Yeah, I was curious about that because she said her second oldest child was 10. Are there elementary schools that cut off after 4th grade?

No. His is another place where the story doesn't make sense. OP's younger kids are two years apart, the youngest one has been at this school since K and is probably going into third now, but apparently the middle child has spent the past three elementary years going to a different school?

I have no trouble believing that OP is real and is unhappy with something about their current elementary school, but the inconsistencies make me wonder if this is being used to a certain extent as pretext to try to get a transfer she wants for other reasons. It would not be the first time someone came here testing out an exaggerated story to see if it might be sufficient to get them an administrative transfer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I believe OP said her older kids did not have this problem because they attended a different school. The family moved between when the older two were in elementary school vs now when the younger child is in elementary school.

Yeah, I was curious about that because she said her second oldest child was 10. Are there elementary schools that cut off after 4th grade?

No. His is another place where the story doesn't make sense. OP's younger kids are two years apart, the youngest one has been at this school since K and is probably going into third now, but apparently the middle child has spent the past three elementary years going to a different school?

I have no trouble believing that OP is real and is unhappy with something about their current elementary school, but the inconsistencies make me wonder if this is being used to a certain extent as pretext to try to get a transfer she wants for other reasons. It would not be the first time someone came here testing out an exaggerated story to see if it might be sufficient to get them an administrative transfer.

... or OP is just skewing some details to remain anonymous. Of course that’s just a crazy idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I believe OP said her older kids did not have this problem because they attended a different school. The family moved between when the older two were in elementary school vs now when the younger child is in elementary school.

Yeah, I was curious about that because she said her second oldest child was 10. Are there elementary schools that cut off after 4th grade?

No. His is another place where the story doesn't make sense. OP's younger kids are two years apart, the youngest one has been at this school since K and is probably going into third now, but apparently the middle child has spent the past three elementary years going to a different school?

I have no trouble believing that OP is real and is unhappy with something about their current elementary school, but the inconsistencies make me wonder if this is being used to a certain extent as pretext to try to get a transfer she wants for other reasons. It would not be the first time someone came here testing out an exaggerated story to see if it might be sufficient to get them an administrative transfer.

... or OP is just skewing some details to remain anonymous. Of course that’s just a crazy idea!

If OP was concerned about anonymity, she wouldn't have shared that she lives in 22207. Especially not after also sharing that their current elementary school is in a "team" and has almost no diversity, which means it's almost certainly Jamestown, but maybe Taylor. I suppose she also could be deliberately trying to misdirect people to a particular school she wants to malign, but that wouldn't do any good for her credibility, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given what you wrote her, you need to transfer schools or move. Full stop.

But beyond that, it is worrying that your family does not seem to have any interactions with black people and culture besides black parent, which is inexcusable in this area. Go to a black church. A black hair salon. Black cultural events are happening around town weekly. The more black people she sees, and the more she is surrounded by positive role models,the better she will feel.

+1. I'm starting to sideeye the dad. Maybe he has Kanye West syndrome or something. How is he not stepping in to do something about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I believe OP said her older kids did not have this problem because they attended a different school. The family moved between when the older two were in elementary school vs now when the younger child is in elementary school.

Yeah, I was curious about that because she said her second oldest child was 10. Are there elementary schools that cut off after 4th grade?

No. His is another place where the story doesn't make sense. OP's younger kids are two years apart, the youngest one has been at this school since K and is probably going into third now, but apparently the middle child has spent the past three elementary years going to a different school?

I have no trouble believing that OP is real and is unhappy with something about their current elementary school, but the inconsistencies make me wonder if this is being used to a certain extent as pretext to try to get a transfer she wants for other reasons. It would not be the first time someone came here testing out an exaggerated story to see if it might be sufficient to get them an administrative transfer.

... or OP is just skewing some details to remain anonymous. Of course that’s just a crazy idea!

If OP was concerned about anonymity, she wouldn't have shared that she lives in 22207. Especially not after also sharing that their current elementary school is in a "team" and has almost no diversity, which means it's almost certainly Jamestown, but maybe Taylor. I suppose she also could be deliberately trying to misdirect people to a particular school she wants to malign, but that wouldn't do any good for her credibility, right?

You are probably right. Certainly Jamestown and Taylor are very diverse schools with parents that are super enthused to send their little
Pumpkins to school with lots of underprivileged children of color. They are definitely known for truly living their liberal values. Shameful for OP to come here and try to cast shade.