Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
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Anonymous
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I know some kids eat a lot and some kids don't eat much. Our daughter is almost five and she's been 34lbs for almost a year now. She just saw her doctor and she's clearly underweight for almost 5. My husband gets very angry almost every time we eat because unless our daughter is eating dessert she eats very slow or barely at all. My husband will start to scream and then she finally eats. It's almost as if she is waiting for the "last straw". Problem is I can tell this puts a strain on their relationship and he becomes very angry. We are very well off (thankfully) and have plenty of food, etc. I understand why my husband gets angry because I get angry too, but he takes it to the next level. He's really angry when she doesn't eat, especially when we KNOW she can eat.
My concern is their relationship will be hurt over this. This problem has been ongoing for over a year now. The only time our daughter will eat properly is if she's very hungry (near staving). Else, she'll rather play or just mess around at the table. |
Anonymous
| Talk to a therapist with your husband. What you are doing is causing eating disorders. |
Anonymous
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He should not eat with her. Seriously. Being screamed at to eat is not a pleasant way to go through life for your daughter, and his blood pressure must be shooting up each time too.
Can you sit with her when she eats dinner and then you and DH eat the meal? My 4 and 6 yr olds eat the prior night's leftovers each night for dinner, and DH and I eat dinner after they go to bed. |
Anonymous
| Honestly, op, this sounds like a pretty messed up dynamic. My kids are skinny and light eaters, but I let them be for the most part. Your Dh is at best, not helping, and at worst, exacerbating the issue. Have you spoken with any professionals about the problem? |
Anonymous
OP here. No, she's always been this way. If we don't push her to eat she just won't eat. |
Anonymous
This. I'm kinda horrified just reading this. Have you looked at any Ellyn Satter books, I think they could help you. You guys are acting in a very controlling way towards her eating habits, and it's already backfiring. This will only get worse without intervention. |
Anonymous
OP here. Doesn't matter who sits with her. I don't think you folks are understanding the situation. Our daughter doesn't eat regardless of who's around. That's the problem. I scream at her also, just not as often. I'm a SAHM. I can understand when he comes home and then has to deal with our daughter not eating it drives him nuts. What's with all the hate on him? Honestly, I feel the same way. I just don't scream "as much". |
Anonymous
OP here. So, we should just let her not eat? Go to bed eating two spoonfuls of pasta? Really??? Wow, the replies here are so bad. It's ridiculous. Wow, just wow... |
Anonymous
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Have you looked into Kennedy Krieger Institute? I think they could help you.
https://www.kennedykrieger.org/patient-care/patient-care-programs/outpatient-programs/feeding-disorders-clinic |
Anonymous
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I am familiar with this anger phenomenon. My husband did this with our son, who has severe inattentive ADHD, before he was formally diagnosed. He would yell and punish DS for daydreaming, not paying attention, not eating, being super slow, etc - all things that were impossible for DS to control. It was very painful, and not only did it hurt their relationship (but not to an extreme, they love each other, obviously), but what most concerns me is that it permanently modified my son's personality. He is very compliant. He does not have a strong sense of standing up for himself, since he was yelled at for some years before being diagnosed and put on meds. I encourage DS to be firm in his beliefs, to advocate for himself, to know exactly where to draw the line - that last is the hardest for him, since norms created during childhood are viewed as acceptable behavior. I don't want him to be bullied or to bully, his own partner or children later in life. First, I would continue to work with the pediatrician on why your daughter is not growing. Do all the tests. Explore all possibilities. Were you or your husband like this at the same age? Are you short and slim? Alternatively, is there a GI issue, or allergies or intolerances? Could it be some type of inattentive ADHD that causes her to daydream and not be hungry except for her favorite foods? I know all about that last part! Second, I would INSIST that your husband not yell or raise his voice. It's really hard not to get upset during these spells, as I have experienced with my son. But you must stand firm. We made a deal, my husband and I, to point out to each other the times when we raised our voices to DS. It really works! Of course, most of the time it was me pointing the finger at him, but as long as you're on the same team, that's all that matters. If he's not on board, you have to get him to a therapist. You have to tell the ped, and the ped can talk to him. Basically, enlist the help of others, don't hide this away, because that's how abusive behavior flourishes. |
Anonymous
What you two are doing is not working. Stop screaming at this kid. Offer different foods. Jesus. |
Anonymous
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Try supplementing with pediasure.
When my kids were young they had stretches of light eating that made me question how they survived! The father needs to chill out. Sounds nutty and unloving. |
Anonymous
Yes. That's what I do. Sometimes my kids eat a lot, sometimes not much. I provide healthy food, they decide how much of it to eat. |
Anonymous
| Please be a really bad troll... |
Anonymous
| If that is the case you both need to chill out about the eating. She eats or not. She will not starve. You might want to reduce desert so that what she eats is healthy and she is not saving her appetite. Getting angry is not the way to make her eat. |