Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to a therapist with your husband. What you are doing is causing eating disorders.

This. I'm kinda horrified just reading this. Have you looked at any Ellyn Satter books, I think they could help you. You guys are acting in a very controlling way towards her eating habits, and it's already backfiring. This will only get worse without intervention.

OP here. So, we should just let her not eat? Go to bed eating two spoonfuls of pasta? Really???

Wow, the replies here are so bad. It's ridiculous. Wow, just wow...

Wow you are ridicoulous. You keep screaming at your DD yet that hasn't solved the problem. You and DH are not helping your daughter and now think DCUM will support you on this? Yes if she isn't hungry let her go to bed. Poor kid associates meal time with tension and screaming. I'd lose my appetite also. From your attitude it's clear how this became a problem in the first place. You and DH need parenting classes and your DD needs a supportive therapist.

+100 OP, you and your husband are showing an OCD aspect in your parenting techniques. If your daughter inherited those tendencies, you're in for a lifetime of problems if you continue down this path. Please consider the above poster's comments.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your family needs a reset when it comes to the food dynamic. As a SAHM, it sounds like food has been a constant battle, and it is escalated when DH is around. It's not working. So, cease and desist. Stop nagging her about food. Let her eat when she's hungry. She is old enough to talk to her about it, explain you are no longer going to pressure her about food, etc. Celebrate over the top when she does eat rather than berate her when she doesn't. It may be that changing the entire dynamic around food will help.

If that doesn't work, it may be medical...allergies, food sensitivities that are making her feel unwell when she eats, etc. You can only figure out what it is by starting from scratch.

To your point about, 'if we didn't pressure her she wouldn't eat anything,' what you are doing isn't working. So for a month stop worrying about nagging her all the time or watching her intake like a hawk. Unless there is something medically wrong, she will eat when she's hungry. For now, both of you (truly, BOTH) need to take a step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm 19:39.

Contrary to popular opinion, yes, there are children who will go into FAILURE TO THRIVE, through not eating enough.

The idea that no child will allow himself to starve is a damageable myth.

My son was in failure to thrive as a toddler, and put on a high calorie diet, and is now again in the 2nd percentile as a tween, which is of great concern to his pediatrician.

There are FTT kids, but yelling at them to eat is not the solution.

+1
A good friend of ours had a child who would, actually, starve rather than eat foods he didn't like. The solution to that was therapy for the kid. Screaming at a kid, and being angry that they won't eat, is just so messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid falls in to one of two categories:

1. Normal light eater who will not let herself starve. In this case, you just need to provide the food and let her eat or not. OR
2. Has a medical issue and needs intervention by medical professionals which may include a gtube or other invasive thing.

In either case, screaming at her isn't helpful and you need help.

Best response so far.

This. All the screaming and anger is really counterproductive--it's going to make mealtimes miserable, and make eating all about a power play. And if the kid really can't help it, it's just cruel. Stop screaming at your child. Stop being angry that she won't eat.

[Anonymous]

Is the pediatrician not concerned about your DD's weight and (lack) of eating? No recommendations for a nutrionist or high calorie diet (pediasure smoothies, allow more snacks, etc.)?
AND what are you feeding your kid - have you considered letting her choose some foods for dinner (or any meal)? Maybe that's part of the problem - give her some autonomy.

Your DH clearly has issues he's carrying into his homelife. He's trying to get control of something and it is manifesting in getting DD to eat and eat faster. Can you elaborate more on your DH? Is he a good dad otherwise?

Does your DD eat well at preschool? How is she in other areas of being an almost 5 year old - active, social, happy?

Clearly, yelling at your kid isn't working. You need to find a different strategy - you have 5 pages of DCUM advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to a therapist with your husband. What you are doing is causing eating disorders.

This. I'm kinda horrified just reading this. Have you looked at any Ellyn Satter books, I think they could help you. You guys are acting in a very controlling way towards her eating habits, and it's already backfiring. This will only get worse without intervention.

OP here. So, we should just let her not eat? Go to bed eating two spoonfuls of pasta? Really???

Wow, the replies here are so bad. It's ridiculous. Wow, just wow...

Wow you are ridicoulous. You keep screaming at your DD yet that hasn't solved the problem. You and DH are not helping your daughter and now think DCUM will support you on this? Yes if she isn't hungry let her go to bed. Poor kid associates meal time with tension and screaming. I'd lose my appetite also. From your attitude it's clear how this became a problem in the first place. You and DH need parenting classes and your DD needs a supportive therapist.

OP why did you post here when it seems you don't actually want advice? I agree with the other pp's, you are setting your daughter up for an eating disorder later in life. I feel terrible for your daughter.

+100 OP, you and your husband are showing an OCD aspect in your parenting techniques. If your daughter inherited those tendencies, you're in for a lifetime of problems if you continue down this path. Please consider the above poster's comments.

[Anonymous]

I feel sad for your DD.

I imagine her sitting at the kitchen table with a plate of cold food in front of her with two giant adults hovering, yelling at her, threatening her with punishments/taking away favorite things, your DD is probably in tears streaming down her cheeks, shaking, and totally baffled and confused.
Breaks my heart.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really hope you are a troll. If not, you and your DH need therapy and a parenting class. Constantly yelling at your child is not ok. Plus, you need to find out why your DD is not eating, eating little and slow. I'm surprised your ped is not concerned and sending your DD for testing. FWIW, I am super picky (always have been), my DS is super picky. He drank pediasure until he was 10 because he ate so little variety and amount. He is now a teenager who is in the 80% for weight and 75% for height. My own sister would go days eating like a bird and then stuff herself. It was a 3-4 day cycle. My parents learned that she would eat when ready (although they had her at doctors to see if there was any other reason for her eating behavior). Parent the kid you have, not the one your DH wants.

[Anonymous]

It may be also a cultural issue. My mil (middle eastern) was constantly worried about my newborn starving (because I was breastfeeding and she wasn’t sure I had enough milk). Later when he was a toddler she would make comments about dc looking so skinny (even if he was in the perfect average for the age) and would almost cry because he was not eating kebab!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm 19:39.

Contrary to popular opinion, yes, there are children who will go into FAILURE TO THRIVE, through not eating enough.

The idea that no child will allow himself to starve is a damageable myth.

My son was in failure to thrive as a toddler, and put on a high calorie diet, and is now again in the 2nd percentile as a tween, which is of great concern to his pediatrician.

There are FTT kids, but yelling at them to eat is not the solution.

There are indeed kids like this, but not sure if this is OP's kid.

OP, I am/have been in your shoes. When our kids don't want to eat what's put in front of them, they eat sloooowly, and just a few bites, my DH yells at them. I, too, get upset at them, but like you, yell less. We get upset because we don't want them to be picky eaters, and only eat what they like. We want them to learn that sometimes you will be served something you don't like, and you just have to deal with it.

We had a rule where whatever you didn't eat for dinner it was your breakfast or lunch the next day, and you don't get any dessert or treat until that meal is finished. We don't like to waste food either. It's happened a few times over the years. My kids are older than your's now, and while they still at times hem and haw when they are served what they don't like, they will still eat it. The older one has learned to eat whatever he doesn't like first to get it over with. I have toned it down, but DH still at times gets very stern with our younger one over this. I have told him to stop it because I don't want DC to have an eating disorder later in life. Just calmly tell your DC that she can have that for breakfast the next day. Again, if she doesn't have a case of failure to thrive, hopefully she will get the message.

I agree with you.. you shouldn't always just cook your DC's favorite. I try to cook a variety of things.. sometimes my favorite, sometimes one of the kid's favorites, and they both have different favorites. I'm not a short order cook. I don't cook things on demand. I can make allowances for a 5 year old, but when a 12 year old is over my house for dinner and doesn't like what's for dinner, I'm not making something else for that kid. Having a dinner party can be a pia when there are picky eaters.

Your DC is still young, so you will struggle with this. Be patient, and calm (I know.. it's hard. I can say this in hindsight).

You have to be a troll too, or just incredibly abusive parent. If you are for real you are creating eating disorders in your kids. You are a terrible parent, and not just garden kind terrible, but insane control freak who is emotionally abusing children.

My kids are fine. Thanks for your concern. When they go to people's homes, they are very polite and try to eat what's put in front of them, unlike many kids I know. They have also learned to try new things, and broaden their palettes. They eat (and like) things that most kids wouldn't touch. It's great to see them eat such variety of foods.

My DH grew up this way, and has no eating issues. My mother let me be a picky eater, and I had a really hard time as an adult being picky. It took me a long time to break that habit. I make my children eat their vegetables. I'm fine if you want to call me abusive for making them eat their vegetables.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to a therapist with your husband. What you are doing is causing eating disorders.

This. I'm kinda horrified just reading this. Have you looked at any Ellyn Satter books, I think they could help you. You guys are acting in a very controlling way towards her eating habits, and it's already backfiring. This will only get worse without intervention.

OP here. So, we should just let her not eat? Go to bed eating two spoonfuls of pasta? Really???

Wow, the replies here are so bad. It's ridiculous. Wow, just wow...

Actually everyone is WOW-ing about how bad you and your husband are at parenting... please seek professional help with your child and also your anger issues. This is going to cause her traumatic food and parental issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your DD.

I imagine her sitting at the kitchen table with a plate of cold food in front of her with two giant adults hovering, yelling at her, threatening her with punishments/taking away favorite things, your DD is probably in tears streaming down her cheeks, shaking, and totally baffled and confused.
Breaks my heart.

Me too.. DD is probably so thin from stress. I would be so stressed out if both my parents yelled at me at each meal.. eeks.

[Anonymous]

Due to the screaming and coercion she probably has a lot of anxiety around food now. I agree you need to see a specialist. There may be an underlying medical issue, or what was a typical light eating/picky phase has gotten out of hand due to the screaming/punishment. Either way, yelling won't help and you need help ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm 19:39.

Contrary to popular opinion, yes, there are children who will go into FAILURE TO THRIVE, through not eating enough.

The idea that no child will allow himself to starve is a damageable myth.

My son was in failure to thrive as a toddler, and put on a high calorie diet, and is now again in the 2nd percentile as a tween, which is of great concern to his pediatrician.

Did your pediatrician recommend screaming at every meal to get your kid to eat more?

[Anonymous]

My ex was like this. I had the pediatrician and a therapist talk to him.

Ped: Is child malnourished?
DH: No
Is she growing?
Yes
Is she sick a lot?
DH: No

Etc. etc. Basically the doctor demonstrated to DH that regardless of what child was or was not eating, her HEALTH was OK.

Now I don't know if your DD's health is OK if she's been 34 pounds for a year... some people are thin/small; somebody's gotta be in the 5th percentile for height and weight. But your DH is damaging your child far more than a lack of appetite. He's going to make food a lifelong issue for her!