My fiance died recently in a car accident

[Anonymous]

I'm really struggling to cope. It was a long distance relationship. He is from a developing country. He was poor and I had more money, so I would travel there to visit him. He still lived with his family at 25. I'm a few years older than him. I can't believe he is gone. His family is very insular but they knew me and I was around them quite a bit. He didn't have a good relationship with them and shut them out as much as he could, but they were very controlling.

They had a memorial service and spread his ashes without me. I am so hurt. He wouldn't have wanted any of this. His mom contacted me telling me they did all this and that she knew I wanted some of his ashes, but that she felt it was only right to spread his ashes entirely. She was very controlling of him in life. She would scream at him that I was too old for him and that women my age want babies and that he wasn't ready for a baby. I'm 30. 5 years older, okay? I mean wtf. We didn't feel an age difference when we were together. We were madly in love. But I have so many regrets. I feel like I wasn't loving enough toward him and I didn't do this and that that I should have done. The regrets are kicking my ass. He was only 25 and I feel so much guilt that I'm still living and his life was cut short. We had so many plans. This year we were getting married and going to try for a baby. I feel like my life is over. He was amazing. He treated me like a queen. He had very little money and hadn't worked in a year and a half because it was difficult to find work in his country, but he just started working a couple months before he died. He was going to try to move up in the company. His job didn't pay much at all (he was packing shelves in a store) but he was going to try to move up to a supervisor role.

The family hacked into his computer after he died and read our private emails, chats, everything. He had nude photos of me on his computer. I felt so violated and humiliated. I shared very personal things with him that I wouldn't want anyone else knowing and I am a private person anyway. We were having a stupid argument the day he died and it's all there in the emails. His family was abusive to him when he was alive. He wouldn't have wanted any of this. I feel so scarred by all of tihs and I don't know how to keep going. My family has always been unsupportive and unavailable to me in my life, but throughout this time of grief they have really been unsupportive and cold. I feel so alone in the world and I have no idea what to do next. All my plans died with him.

There are so many questions I have surrounding his death too. It makes no sense (the details of the accident). He was literally just turning out of his driveway when a big truck hit him. He wasn't even backing out of the driveway. This was off of a busy road. I've pulled out of that same spot so many times.

I don't know how to keep going. I am so traumatized by this situation. HIs mom sent me a text telling me they did all this without me and then asked me to send her photos of him. I honestly would rather preserve those memories that we made together and not share them... he wanted to write his family off for good (they were very abusive). I think this is what he would have wanted anyway. I feel she has a lot of nerve to tell me they did all that so flippantly and then asks for photos of him. They never bothered to take recent pictures of him. Sorry this post is so disjointed. My thoughts are very unorganized at the moment. I just miss him so much.

[Anonymous]

Big hugs, op. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. You're grieving, and that's okay. Do you have a therapist or grief counselor? I think you would find it helpful to have someone to talk to. Grief really is a process, and as one wise counselor told me, the only way past it is through it. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs, op. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. You're grieving, and that's okay. Do you have a therapist or grief counselor? I think you would find it helpful to have someone to talk to. Grief really is a process, and as one wise counselor told me, the only way past it is through it. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you for the kind words. I actually tried getting a grief counselor and I was told it's too soon for me right now. I'm only a little over a month out. They told me they recommend waiting 90 days. I had never heard of such a thing. Right now I've just been relying on friends or message boards. :/

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. Don’t send her anything. No need. Look out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. Don’t send her anything. No need. Look out for you.

I haven't replied to her last text and I think she is waiting. Should I say anything at all? That's where she told me what they did (Without me) and then proceeded to ask me for photos of him.

His brother also sent me a horribly nasty email after my fiance died in which he blamed me for so many things. He had read through all of our private emails and basically taunted me about it.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, op. You need to look out for you right now. Don’t read any more texts or emails. You have enough to cope with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, op. You need to look out for you right now. Don’t read any more texts or emails. You have enough to cope with.

My fiance used to tell me all the time that when he was in a position to move off his parents' property that he wanted me to write his mother a letter describing in detail all the grief he caused both of us. He wanted to write the whole family off. There are times when I think I should do this because it was his wish. But I am just overcome with grief at the moment. Should I do it one day? I have so many mixed emotions. I feel like they didn't even respect what his wishes would have been in death. He would have wanted me at his memorial front and center. I begged his mother to let me help plan something. I even offered to pay for it. She acts like her grief is so much worse than mine. His family treated him like garbage. He was the scapegoat. He always told me about horrible memories of abuse he had at the hands of his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, op. You need to look out for you right now. Don’t read any more texts or emails. You have enough to cope with.

My fiance used to tell me all the time that when he was in a position to move off his parents' property that he wanted me to write his mother a letter describing in detail all the grief he caused both of us. He wanted to write the whole family off. There are times when I think I should do this because it was his wish. But I am just overcome with grief at the moment. Should I do it one day? I have so many mixed emotions. I feel like they didn't even respect what his wishes would have been in death. He would have wanted me at his memorial front and center. I begged his mother to let me help plan something. I even offered to pay for it. She acts like her grief is so much worse than mine. His family treated him like garbage. He was the scapegoat. He always told me about horrible memories of abuse he had at the hands of his parents.

OP again. That was meant to say "all the grief SHE caused both of us" (not he). Although his father was also horrible at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, op. You need to look out for you right now. Don’t read any more texts or emails. You have enough to cope with.

My fiance used to tell me all the time that when he was in a position to move off his parents' property that he wanted me to write his mother a letter describing in detail all the grief he caused both of us. He wanted to write the whole family off. There are times when I think I should do this because it was his wish. But I am just overcome with grief at the moment. Should I do it one day? I have so many mixed emotions. I feel like they didn't even respect what his wishes would have been in death. He would have wanted me at his memorial front and center. I begged his mother to let me help plan something. I even offered to pay for it. She acts like her grief is so much worse than mine. His family treated him like garbage. He was the scapegoat. He always told me about horrible memories of abuse he had at the hands of his parents.

OP again. That was meant to say "all the grief SHE caused both of us" (not he). Although his father was also horrible at times.

No, op. You need to walk away and let the past be in the past. He wouldn’t want you to engage in their toxicity. He would want you to move forward and be happy. Engaging with them will not bring you happiness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, op. You need to look out for you right now. Don’t read any more texts or emails. You have enough to cope with.

My fiance used to tell me all the time that when he was in a position to move off his parents' property that he wanted me to write his mother a letter describing in detail all the grief he caused both of us. He wanted to write the whole family off. There are times when I think I should do this because it was his wish. But I am just overcome with grief at the moment. Should I do it one day? I have so many mixed emotions. I feel like they didn't even respect what his wishes would have been in death. He would have wanted me at his memorial front and center. I begged his mother to let me help plan something. I even offered to pay for it. She acts like her grief is so much worse than mine. His family treated him like garbage. He was the scapegoat. He always told me about horrible memories of abuse he had at the hands of his parents.

OP again. That was meant to say "all the grief SHE caused both of us" (not he). Although his father was also horrible at times.

No, op. You need to walk away and let the past be in the past. He wouldn’t want you to engage in their toxicity. He would want you to move forward and be happy. Engaging with them will not bring you happiness

I agree with you to a point, but I feel like I want them to know what pain they caused him during his life. He always told me he wanted me to do this one day when he was finally out of there and living away from them. I don't mean that I would do it now or anytime soon. I want them to know the pain they caused him. I want them to know how they disrespected what his final wishes would have been. They are so toxic. But in their minds they think they are totally normal and nice people.

[Anonymous]

OP, cut off all contact with his family. If they keep contacting you, block them. He didn’t want them in his life and he definitely did not want them in your life. See a counselor and work on moving forward on your own.

[Anonymous]

OP, cut off contact with his family..it is not healthy for you and I don't think staying embattled would honor your fiance's memory either.. Please get some counseling to help you through this. I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

This is a fight you can’t win, OP. It would have been challenging for your fiancé to change the dynamic with his family had he lived. Your attempt to do so after his death—to reveal to them how their actions hurt him—will only make you seem crazy. No grieving mother is going to stop and say, “gee, this woman has insight into my poor parenting.” Instead, the family will attack you all the more. Honor your fiancé’s life by distancing yourself from his family, as he hoped to do in life.

[Anonymous]

I'm very very sorry OP. That sounds like an extremely traumatic thing to go through, and it's normal that you're struggling.

I don't want to be insensitive, but I do want to ask a couple questions without making any assumptions. You said you'd gone to visit him - how many times? And have you gotten proof/confirmation of his death besides his family telling you? Especially since you were excluded from the service. What country is he from?

I'm sorry to ask those things, but a few things in your story just threw up a couple yellow flags as someone who deals with international fraud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm very very sorry OP. That sounds like an extremely traumatic thing to go through, and it's normal that you're struggling.

I don't want to be insensitive, but I do want to ask a couple questions without making any assumptions. You said you'd gone to visit him - how many times? And have you gotten proof/confirmation of his death besides his family telling you? Especially since you were excluded from the service. What country is he from?

I'm sorry to ask those things, but a few things in your story just threw up a couple yellow flags as someone who deals with international fraud.

I lived with him for 6 months each visit several times. I don't think you're being insensitive. WHen his family first told me, I was in disbelief. It just seemed impossible. I called the hospital and they confirmed it. I also was told there was a full autopsy on his body by the medical examiner's office. I had a really hard time with this information.. it's not easy to come to the realization that the man you loved had an autopsy performed on him. He just thought he was going to go for a drive and get a snack at the shop up the road (I assume this, knowing him so well) and instead he died and then they did an autopsy on him. It really haunts me. He was from South Africa. I was going to relocate there this year, marry him, and start a family.