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[quote=Anonymous]I'm really struggling to cope. It was a long distance relationship. He is from a developing country. He was poor and I had more money, so I would travel there to visit him. He still lived with his family at 25. I'm a few years older than him. I can't believe he is gone. His family is very insular but they knew me and I was around them quite a bit. He didn't have a good relationship with them and shut them out as much as he could, but they were very controlling.

They had a memorial service and spread his ashes without me. I am so hurt. He wouldn't have wanted any of this. His mom contacted me telling me they did all this and that she knew I wanted some of his ashes, but that she felt it was only right to spread his ashes entirely. She was very controlling of him in life. She would scream at him that I was too old for him and that women my age want babies and that he wasn't ready for a baby. I'm 30. 5 years older, okay? I mean wtf. We didn't feel an age difference when we were together. We were madly in love. But I have so many regrets. I feel like I wasn't loving enough toward him and I didn't do this and that that I should have done. The regrets are kicking my ass. He was only 25 and I feel so much guilt that I'm still living and his life was cut short. We had so many plans. This year we were getting married and going to try for a baby. I feel like my life is over. He was amazing. He treated me like a queen. He had very little money and hadn't worked in a year and a half because it was difficult to find work in his country, but he just started working a couple months before he died. He was going to try to move up in the company. His job didn't pay much at all (he was packing shelves in a store) but he was going to try to move up to a supervisor role.

The family hacked into his computer after he died and read our private emails, chats, everything. He had nude photos of me on his computer. I felt so violated and humiliated. I shared very personal things with him that I wouldn't want anyone else knowing and I am a private person anyway. We were having a stupid argument the day he died and it's all there in the emails. His family was abusive to him when he was alive. He wouldn't have wanted any of this. I feel so scarred by all of tihs and I don't know how to keep going. My family has always been unsupportive and unavailable to me in my life, but throughout this time of grief they have really been unsupportive and cold. I feel so alone in the world and I have no idea what to do next. All my plans died with him.

There are so many questions I have surrounding his death too. It makes no sense (the details of the accident). He was literally just turning out of his driveway when a big truck hit him. He wasn't even backing out of the driveway. This was off of a busy road. I've pulled out of that same spot so many times.

I don't know how to keep going. I am so traumatized by this situation. HIs mom sent me a text telling me they did all this without me and then asked me to send her photos of him. I honestly would rather preserve those memories that we made together and not share them... he wanted to write his family off for good (they were very abusive). I think this is what he would have wanted anyway. I feel she has a lot of nerve to tell me they did all that so flippantly and then asks for photos of him. They never bothered to take recent pictures of him. Sorry this post is so disjointed. My thoughts are very unorganized at the moment. I just miss him so much.

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